Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I feel so alone

I knew this was going to happen.

"I think we're moving too fast"

Michael came by the bar tonight, and after work we went to get a few cocktails together. He told me this while we were sitting in comfortable chairs laughing over 2 Cosmo's. The minute he said that, the jovial mood was over. It was like a splash of ice cold water.

"What do you mean?", I knew what he meant and I knew why he said it. This was because I had said I loved him the other night. I freaked him out, I shouldn't have said it. It just came out..

"I don't know", He said "It's just a feeling"


I was quiet. I got up to use the bathroom and once I entered the stall, my eyes filled with the tears I had been fighting during the entire conversation.

I'm such an IDIOT!

Why did I put myself in this situation, why am I letting myself fall in love with him? I know I shouldn't.

When I got out, I told him I was really tired and just wanted to go home.

He started to say something, but I cut him off. I put the money for my part of the drinks on the table and said goodbye. Then I walked out of the restaurant.

FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm crying right now and I don't even mean that. I'm just hurting. Why does it have to be like this with him?! Why is it that as soon as we start getting close, he starts pulling away?

Why can't I just have a normal relationship? Is there something wrong with me?

I just need to take a deep breath and be rational about this. I just have so many emotions swirling in my head. I see where this is heading. He's starting to lay the foundation to break off this relationship.

Maybe I should have stayed and listened to what he had to say. But I didn't want him to see me cry, I didn't want him to see the pain in my eyes. I didn't want him to know that he has given me a reason to go on. He gave me something to look forward to, He gave me passion, excitment, happiness in what was previously such a bleak existance I was living.

I don't have much..I don't have anything! Somehow when I was with him, I didn't focus on it. I was in the moment..I was sexual..he brought out this side of me and now

I'm afraid of so many things, and I keep running away rather than opening up about my feelings.. I am such a foolish foolish confused girl.

I'm sorry, this probably makes no sense, I 've been drinking. But what else is new? It's like 4something in the morning Go ahead...


I feel so alone.
posted by Iris at 7:03 AM