nothing's going to change my world

Unforgiveable?

2006-12-30T07:17:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you're attracted to your bestfriend's boyfriend?

It's early Saturday morning, I'm alone. Lisa is away for the weekend and I'm sitting at home feeling guilty. I hate this heavy sensation of regret that's lying on my chest. I could say that technically I didn't do anything, I could say that I'm innocent but I know in my heart I'm not. I know what I did was wrong...it's bothering me.

It started a number of months ago, the first time I saw Matthew

I can't describe the connection I felt with him. Maybe it was just a primal desire. It was a feeling of warmth that spread down my body and settled inbetween my legs. I involuntarily licked my lips, I realized this attraction and how it was coming through in my body language. I tried to curb it. Ignore it. Play it cool.

He gazed at me and I gazed back. He smiled and I flushed. Just from this first meeting. He has dark hair, green eyes.. He's tall, lean with a nice amount of muscle tone.

He's 27. Lisa had been dating him for a week before I first met him.

After he left, she talked non-stop about how much she liked him, how this time it's "for real". How great the sex was with them. How wonderfully he kisses. She didn't spare any details. She sat with me and told me everything. Details that made the heat rise to my face with slight embarrassment and yet I didn't want her to stop because it was turning me on.

But I never acted on these feelings. Never. I respected their relationship. She's my bestfriend.

But it tortures me. I was dating someone else and yet I kept looking at Matthew and Lisa. I watched them kiss, I watched the way his hand traveled down her back and into her pants. I watched them move against eachother.

I want what she has, I want that passion and fire.

When Lisa isn't around, We kind of flirt. Not outright flirting but subtle.

We crossed the line last week. I know we did. Nothing happened, but we did...

Lisa went out for a beer run and to do some grocery shopping. I stayed in the house with Matthew. I took a shower and came out of the room with only a small towel wrapped around my body.

I let my wet hair fall over my face and I leaned against the counter. He just watched me. I felt like my entire body was on fire. I pulled myself up onto the counter top, so I was sitting. He didn't say a word. He just watched.

Then I opened my legs.

I gave him a full view. Just doing THAT made me so turned on. I knew he saw how open I was, How much I wanted him. ..

I saw the bulge in his pants. I saw his breath get caught in his throat.

Then I realized what I was doing and I stopped. I slid off the counter and went back into the bathroom. I felt guilt, but more turned on... I let my body slide against the door while I ...

I heard him. I heard him masturbating on the other side of the door. I knew what he was doing. He knew what I was doing.

Then I started crying.

I got dressed and left the apartment before Lisa could return and see the guilt on my face.

I've barely spoken to her since then.

Is it forgiveable? Would you forgive your friend if she did this to you with your boyfriend? Would you understand? What if your friend told you she was falling in love with him... told you she was so sorry... told him that she was hurting just as badly.

I love Lisa. She's the closest friend I have in the world right now.

I can't believe I did this. I make myself sick.

I just needed to get this out. Somehow writing about this helps. It's out there now. If she finds this fine. I can't let this eat me up anymore. This is my place to vent and it took me a week to build up the courage to do it.

Still alive

2006-12-22T18:46:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, Im still alive.

I just haven't had the urge to write in my diary. My life has been so chaotic and busy once I started college. I'm juggling my classes and two jobs. I feel like I don't have time to breath.

I'm on Christmas break from school now and Lisa is away visiting her family out of state. I have the whole house to myself for an entire week.

There is a lot happening in my life...

This could be a long catch up entry because it's been a few months but I'm going to skip all that. I'll just sum it up.

Going to school, Still living with Lisa, Still hanging out with Jonas. (as friends). I see paul sometimes too.

Slept with a guy named Jonathan for 2 months. I met him in my psychology class.

We broke up 3 weeks ago. To be honest, the sex was awkward. There was so much fumbling and we didn't spoon well. He shifted in his sleep all the time and had frequent nightmares. We were the same age and that felt weird because I'm used to older men.

There is something else going on right now. Something I thought I was going to write about now, but I've had a few drinks tonight and I'm not feeling up to opening up about this yet. It's complex.

I'll write about it next week. I'm going home to spend christmas with my mother and sister. I'll be back on Tuesday.

Merry Christmas.

College life

2006-09-08T18:27:00.000-04:00

Well. It's official.

I'm a college girl now!

I just finished my first week of classes.

Last week was orientation and registration. Wednesday I attended my first class. It's strange to want something for so long and then to actually get it. I arrived 15 minutes early and slid into an empty seat. I watched the class fill up with students (most of them around 4 years younger than me). I had my notebook open and my pen ready to start writing notes. I must have appeared over eager, I was just happy to finally be a college student.

I still haven't declared my major, but I have a year to figure it out according to my guidance counselor.

It's not as difficult as I expected, just a lot of reading right now and expensive textbooks to buy. The professors didn't look like stereotypical professors. (i.e. gray hair, glasses, suits..) None of them are like Robin Williams from "Dead Poets Society" . Most of my teachers are in their thirties.

I haven't updated in a while because to be honest, I didn't feel the urge. My life was kind of going on a downhill spiral and when it finally picked up again, I was too busy to write about it. I don't have as much private alone time as I used to. Since Lisa moved in, everything has been so chaotic.

However, I started college and that's pretty damn huge.

Let me try to recap the past month of my life.

Lisa and I are bestfriends now. I can truly say that I love her. We just get eachother and we still sleep in the same bed. It's comfortable and there isn't much space anyway. Eventually she'll probably be able to afford another futon, for now the arrangement still works.

Jonas and I see eachother every other day. I finally built up the courage to tell him about my struggles and be honest about everything...(except for the fact that I have a crush on him) The crush has calmed down a bit, once I stopped seeing our friendship as dating... I still want to kiss him and it still hasn't happened but I'm okay with it.

I havent seen Michael since that incident... I kind of fell out of contact with some of my other friends (i.e. Stacey and Carl) It's because I spend all of my time with Lisa now. She's in the shower at the moment.

I'm still working at the bar, I just took on some more shifts. There's so much to write about and not enough time... We have some friends coming over in half an hour.

I'm going to update more often again, I miss this outlet.. I miss having a place to put down my feelings and experiences. My days feel more empty without, and I forget things. I realize I need this diary. This is my space, my private corner to express myself. I have all these emotions that I keep bottled up inside, all these feelings, desires... I can't even get it all out. I'm doing better on the outside, but I'm still struggling on the inside.

It's my turn to get in the shower.

horrible week

2006-08-18T15:48:00.000-04:00

My health is back but this has been a terrible week for me.

1. I lost my job at the Deli. I had to take off for a week and a half because I was too sick to get out of bed. I had explained the situation and I had a note from the doctor. I was also hospitalized for a short time and I had proof of that as well. I knew they were going to hire someone new temporarily to fill in for me. It's a small family-owned deli.

I was surprised when I came into work on Wednesday and saw a tan blond teenager behind the counter. My boss's wife led me into the backroom.

She basically said "I'm really sorry, Iris. We're going to keep Kelly on and let you go. She is a good employee and she is willing to work full time. You were going to cut your hours to only weekends once school started anyway. We need someone reliable. I'm really sorry, sweetie."

2. I had to kiss my boss to keep my job at the bar - I was planning on starting work again on Tuesday, but I was still too weak. I had to call in sick...again. Lisa informed me that my job was hanging by a thread and they were thinking of replacing me.

Wednesday night, I still felt lighthead and my body felt drained. I had to keep leaning against the wall during my night shift. The room tilted a few times and I started seeing grains floating in my vision.

My boss pulled me into his office. He started lecturing me again. Drunk as usual.

At this point I couldn't let him fire me. I would be left entirely jobless with no income.

I moved up close to him while he was talking, and stroked the corner of his collar. I kind of let my body fall against his, just the smallest amount. I was just so desperate and scared.

"I need this job to survive right now", I whispered. "What do I have to do to keep it?"

He smiled and put his hand on my hip, pushing me against him. "You can show me a little love. Let me know how committed you really are to this job. Your work performance doesn't demonstrate that"

I closed my eyes tightly and forced myself to kiss him. His lips were wet, flabby, loose, and he tasted like vodka. He tried to push his tongue inbetween my lips, I stopped it from entering by keeping my jaw shut...his tongue just ended up pushing against my teeth. He squeezed my butt tightly with his hand and He grinded my body against the hard on. I could feel it through the fabric of his ugly slacks and I wanted to vomit. I could actually feel the bile moving up my throat.

I made myself moan slightly and then pulled away. I looked down, willing myself not to cry. My first impulse was to cry. I felt sick. What I had done made me hate myself, it made me feel weak and pitiful. I had no choice.

He rubbed against the crotch of his slacks. It was a drunken move. He smiled. "Alright get back to work."

I shuffled out of the office, I felt so low at that moment. I can't describe it in words. I just wanted to end my life.

This is what I've become? I'm willing to do anything to hold on to a shitty bartending job because I desperately need to cash to survive?

This isn't the life I imagined. This is nothing like I imagined. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what I've come to.

I told Lisa about it and she just wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "I would have done the same thing. We do foolish things when we're pushed into a corner. The man is a complete pervert and prick. He got his jollies off and you kept your job. It happened. You can't take it back, so just let it go"

I know if I told Stacey, she would direct me to a sexual harrassment lawyer. Which is what I SHOULD do... but I'm sure my boss would turn it around on me.

I'm tired. More things have happened this week, but I don't have the desire to get into it. I just feel really finished right now.

This illness has taken so much out of me.

an update

2006-08-13T20:56:00.000-04:00

I'm still sick, I've missed so much work.. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and I was tested for Mono, Epstein-bar and CMV... After a lot of blood tests, I came up clean. Apparently it's just a particularly bad strain of influenza.

It also turns out that I have anemia. I have to start taking prescription iron tablets daily...

I'm still weak. I was so sick at one point on Wednesday, I was taken to the hospital to have my fever reduced. I don't remember any of it. Most of my week was spent in bed. It's all a blur, a sweaty haze.

I'm doing better than I was before. I can sit up and eat soup. Before I was just drinking liquids. I lost some weight.

Jonas has been by my side through all of this. Lisa has been great too.

I'm just updating to say that I'm not dead. I told my boss I'd be back in work on Monday. i have to pull myself together. I'm too tired to type anymore about this right now.

still sick

2006-08-07T03:43:00.000-04:00

This flu is knocking the life out of me. I'm still sick. I feel dizzy and disoriented from these painkillers that lisa gave me. I missed 3 days of work. I feel like gravity is working against me and I'm trying to push against the air. I can't stomach anything.

I should probably go to the doctor on tuesday if this doesn't go away I can't live like this

sick day

2006-08-03T19:55:00.000-04:00

I haven't eaten all day and I called off sick from work this morning. I've come down with a strain of the flu. It started yesterday. I nearly passed out behind the counter at the deli and later on at the bar, I had to keep leaning against the wall. My body felt weak and my head was pounding.

Right now every joint aches, I can't keep anything down. I have a fever and my neck is stiff. I feel like my body is a huge bruise.

I've been tossing and turning in bed all day. We don't have an air conditioner, so I've been melting ice cubes on my body to stay cool. I can't wear anything because it feels constricting. I keep pulling the blankets over me and then tearing them off. I can't make myself comfortable. I hate this.

Jonas came over this afternoon. He wiped my forehead, gave me cold water and talked with me. We watched a movie together and he just left. He was so sweet and loving. I know from my reflection that I have no color in my lips and gray circles around my eyes. My hair is tangled. I look like death today.

I didn't call Richard, I don't know if I will. I don't know how I feel about anything or anyone right now. I just need to lay back down and sleep. I hate this. I left the bar early yesterday and I can't afford to take off again tonight. We're short staffed but I can barely even stand. I don't want to get fired. Lisa promised to explain everything to my boss.

I wish life wasn't like this. I'm tired of working so hard. I'm tired of feeling so confused all the time and lost. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand and guide me. Someone to take the burden off for a while so I can really rest. Someone to tell me its gonna be all right.

I'm so tired.

Richard

2006-08-01T09:46:00.000-04:00

"He looks like my father!"

That's the first thought that crossed my mind when I saw Richard.

He was standing near the bar in a casual suit. He looked italian with a full head of dark hair and a nice smile. I haven't seen my father much since his divorce with my mother but he had such a strong resemblance. It put me at ease immediately. He was talking with a middle aged slightly balding irish-looking man with blond hair in a similar suit.

Lisa and I were hanging out together at the other side of the lounge room. I felt more sexy than I usually do. My hair was pulled up in a chigon and I was wearing a black dress I had snagged on clearance at Jones New York. I felt mature and sophisticated in this setting. It was strange and hard to describe. Lisa had a different posture too, she was standing up straight with her chest pushed out. She kept tossing her hair past her shoulder and smiling elusively around the room.

She was the one that had pointed Richard out for me. She was checking out the Irish-looking friend. We smiled at them and they smiled back. I looked down nervously. I never checked out a man so much older than me. It felt kind of forbidden and out of character.

It didn't take long until they approached us and offered to buy us a drink. It was different than encounters I usually have with guys my age in a night club. There wasn't the nervous small talk and the humor. It was more direct with a lot of eye contact. Richard put his hand on the small of my back while he led me to the bar. I glanced over at Lisa and she was already hitting on his friend.

I drank a lot of cocktails and listened to Richard tell me about his job. I could tell by his watch that he was wealthy and I loved the smell of his aftershave. I liked the way his eyes wrinkled in the corners when he laughed. I was a little nervous and didn't say much. At one point I realized Lisa wasn't beside me. I searched the room and saw that she was kissing the other guy. I was surprised at how fast she moved because I wasn't at that stage at all. I felt sort of abandoned and a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Then Lisa pinched my arm and whispered "I'm leaving with Jon, are you okay?"

I wanted to grab her arm and hiss "NO! don't go! wait for me..." But instead I just nodded and tried to save face. I'm an adult, I'm not a 10 year old girl.

Somehow I ended up returning to Richard's apartment. When i say "somehow", I really MEAN somehow. I don't clearly remember the events leading up to it. I was drunk and kind of giggly. I felt like since he was older, he would take care of me. I remember walking around his apartment... I looked at the artwork.. I strolled around the big stainless steel kitchen and I glanced at the big screen television.

We ended up in his bedroom, I fell on his bed. (it was so big and soft) I whispered that I don't usually do stuff like this or go home with strangers. I cuddled up on the bed. He asked if I wanted to stay the night. I nodded with my eyes closed but told him I didn't have any pajamas.

He said he had some and asked me "Do you want me to help you get undressed?". I just nodded again.

He did it so slow and carefully. He slipped off my heels and pulled my stockings down over my thighs...I lay there smiling. He rolled me over and unzipped my dress. I wiggled out of it. He ran his hands over my body for a moment.. he told me I was beautiful. It felt really good...

He asked if I wanted my bra off, I hesitated. Then I let him unsnap the back..he cupped my breasts in his hands, He stared at me..but then he stopped. He pulled an oversized shirt out of his closet and slid it over my head. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed still in his business suit. I climbed on his lap and playfully kissed his cheek and his neck. I felt his erection through his pants...I felt so turned on.

But the dizziness kind of took over and I had to lay down again. He tucked me in. Then he lay beside me. He didn't do anything more than stroke my nipples through the fabric and slide his fingers over the front of my panties. Then I fell asleep.

I can't believe I'm writing all this. I'm not ashamed of what happened, it was exciting and new for me. I enjoyed it. I felt kind of disoriented when I woke up though. It's always strange to wake up in a foreign place.

We had breakfast and he drove me home in the afternoon. He gave me his business card with his home phone number on it. He asked me to call him because he wants to see me again.

I can't really describe how I feel about what happened this weekend. It's just different and I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I wonder if I should call Richard. Part of me wants to but part of me is afraid. He's 41. The age difference shouldn't matter... it doesn't really. I felt like it moved really fast and I'm not used to that.

One minute I was crushing for Jonas and the next I'm climbing into bed with a strange man I don't even know. It's not like me, that's all. Lisa and I are closer now. Somehow the experience was kind of bonding. I feel like we did something naughty together and we talked about it when I returned. She had slept with Jon (the irish guy) and she described it in lurid details while eating her ramen noodles. I feel like Lisa is bringing out a new side of me and helping me build up my confidence again.

I'm not sitting at home at night anymore drinking alone and crying about how desperate I feel. It's a nice change.

I guess the question I have to ask myself is... Should I call Richard?. Jonas called a lot this weekend and we talked, laughed and joked on the phone. I enjoy our friendship and he still makes butterflies flutter in my stomach. I didn't tell him about Richard because it doesn't seem necessary. We're not dating, we're just friends. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

new

2006-07-31T17:26:00.000-04:00

I met someone Saturday night.

I spent the night at his apartment. He's nearly 20 years older than me. I don't have much time to type about this right now...

or any privacy.

What am I doing? It's different than I expected. I'mnot thinking clearly.

Beginnings and endings

2006-07-28T20:08:00.000-04:00

I think I should stop keeping this diary once I start college. This thought just came to me. It might be time.

My life is changing rapidly and the idea of one of my classmates discovering this kind of scares me. He or she would have a full glimpse of my private thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes and my struggles. It's just too intimate.

One of the pluses of going to college is that I'll be starting off in a new environment with a clean slate. It will be a fresh beginning and no one there will know who I am. No one will know my past. I can re-invent myself. I can be confident, self-assured, and happy. All of what I used to be can be brushed away and forgotten. This is something that I need.

On the other hand, I've been writing in this diary for a long time and it helps me. I put everything I feel down in writing and reflect on it later. I can look back at the events that occured and see my mistakes in black and white. Before that, everything was just a blur. Now I can remember where I was 5 weeks ago, 4 months ago or a year ago.

I've changed a lot in the past year and a half. I can see that when I look back at my first entries.

I'll see how I feel when I start school. The first class is on August 30th. Orientation begins on the 28th. I told my boss at the deli that I would have to cut my hours to weekend only. He was really understanding and actually congratulated me.

Jonas and I are meeting for a date in one hour. I really shouldn't call this "Dating" anymore. It's pretty clear that he wants to be just friends. It's time for me to surrender the fantasy that it could be or ever will be anything more than that. I love our friendship and I'm growing really close to him. I feel like I can trust him and I feel so safe. This is the first time I've had a male friend and it didn't lead to sex. (except for Carl, But he's gay...) I've resolved to enjoy the connection I have with Jonas and stop wanting more than that.

Lisa is watching "9 and 1/2 weeks" right now. (her favorite movie -- this is the second time we've seen it this week) It's intensely erotic and everytime I view certain scene heat rises up to my face, I have to shift in my seat. I wonder if I'm the only one that has that reaction. On Saturday Lisa is taking me out to meet an OLDER MAN. She can gain access to a nice classy after hours club for a more "mature crowd". We're going to go clothes shopping before hand. I want to get a sexy outfit and she offered to style my hair.

I'm both excited and nervous about Saturday night. It will be an entirely new experience for me, I hope this place is as "great" as Lisa claims it is. I hope I don't stick out like a sore thumb and feel out of place.

or worse... get kicked out.

Bestfriends and Older Men

2006-07-27T19:42:00.000-04:00

This roommate situation is working out better than I expected. It was a little rocky in the beginning, but we're learning how to respect eachother's space and live together.

There's only one problem that came up. I don't know why this always happens with my friends. I make one new friend and the old friend gets resentful. They end up not getting along.

I invited Stacey over this afternoon after my morning shift for coffee. She came to pick me up and she met Lisa for the first time. I had kind of fallen out of contact with Stacey when Lisa first came into the picture because I needed time to adjust to the new circumstances. I simply needed time to get to know my new roommate but I wasn't intentionally avoiding her or anything. I just called her less than I used to because I have Lisa around all the time to talk to and yes, I feel a little bad about that.

When Stacey came over, she was rather cold and distant with Lisa. Lisa picked up on the vibes and became a bit defensive. They exchanged a few biting words and I took Stacey with me out of the house. It wasn't anything dramatic but it was uncomfortable and I couldn't figure it out.

Stacey said "I don't like her. She's bad news. She's also disrespectful and loose. She was out of line"

"She's really nice...you just have to get to know her better"

"No thanks. I'm not interested. It would be nice if you returned my calls once and while. Ever since this Lisa chick came into the equation, you've been blowing me off"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to"

Stacey was in a bad mood after that and our afternoon was cut off short because she said she had "other plans"

Whatever. I wish she wouldn't act like this. We've been bestfriends for years. Lisa can't and wont "take her place".

****

Last night at work Lisa and I were talking about men during our break outside. She gave me something to think about. I was talking about how I have bad luck with guys and how Jonas doesn't seem to want to make a move to the next level of our relationship. He seems content just being friends even though he acts like he's attracted to me.

"That's because he's young", Lisa said "He doesn't have enough experience and probably doesn't know how to make the next move. You need to stop dating boys and start dating older men"

"Jonas is 26 years old! He's older than me!"

"Not old enough... I'm talking about late 30's and older 40's. I dated a 42 year old a while back. It was hot. He knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me. He was so good in bed and had enough sexual experience to know how a girl really wants to be touched. He was mature and he took care of me. You need a father figure in your life right now. I think you should start looking for an older man"

"I don't know"

"He'll also appreciate your body more because you're so young. You have Pert breasts, tight ass and flat stomach. You need a man that wont take that for granted and that will treat you like a princess. Not someone that treats you like a slab of meat. Guys our age are used to that... older men, they aren't. Plus you'll get expenisve gifts because they have sucessful careers and they're established"

"I don't want a sugar daddy" (to be honest, I was also a little weirded out by her pert breasts, tight ass comment...)

"I'm just saying... it's something to consider"

I have to ask myself if maybe Lisa is right. Maybe what I've been doing wrong this entire time is dating guys too close to my age. Maybe I should find an older man. I don't know, I've never done that before. I've just been thinking about this a lot today. I'm just so tired of running into brick walls over and over again. I want a stable relationship in my life, a real relationship... I want to be loved.

Lisa left for work before me tonight. I have to order some chinese food before heading out. I'm starving right now...

horrible night

2006-07-26T08:40:00.000-04:00

There is nothing more painful than having to confront aspects of your past that you pushed behind you and didn't want to even think about.

I realize sometimes it's necessary, it's just emotionally draining and upsetting.

Lisa and I went out last night. It's the second night in a row, she's a lot of fun to party with. It's hard to keep up with her. Her circle of friends keeps expanding and she brings me a long for the ride. I feel like I actually have a life now...

We were taking shots together and she had urged me to lay down on the bar, pull up my shirt slightly and have this guy, Dave eat a cherry out of my bellybutton. (Don't ask) That's when my cellphone rang and it was Luke.

He sounded upset and he said he needed to talk to me. I was drunk and cheerful. I told him to come on over to the pub and meet my friends. He told me he'd be there in five minutes.

When Luke arrived, I jumped in his arms and hugged him. I can't remember why I thought it was okay to do this. It was like my brain just blocked out the fact that he was my ex. My brain blocked out our intimate chat conversation from Sunday night. I just shut it out and was stupid.
I get like that after a few drinks. Alcohol can be an escape for me and a way to push all my problems away.

Luke pulled me to a quiet corner and started asking me all these questions. "What was that chat conversation about? I feel guilty for doing that with you... I don't know what this means. I still have some feelings for you but I'm engaged to be married... Why did you come back into my life right now? What do you want from me?" He was actually trembling.

I felt horrible and I started shaking my head "No.. I don't want anything. I was just lonely and I thought I would say "hello"... it didn't actually MEAN anything... I didn't want to break up your engagement. We were just having a good time, right? We were just chatting..."

That's when he started crying "That's your idea of a good time? Fucking around with me again? Is that a fun game for you? DO you have any idea how much you hurt me? You destroyed me. I had planned my life around you. You broke off our engagement last minute and left me for someone else. Have you ever stopped to contemplate how totally FUCKED UP that was?! Are you even capable of feeling guilt?"

That's when I started crying. I can't even describe how low I felt. Yes I felt guilt, Yes I felt like shit. I've pushed the entire incident into my subconscious and I don't bring it up. I know I handled that situation wrong and I know I made a mistake. It was a year ago though. All I could say was "I'm sorry, Luke.. I'm so sorry"

He slammed the spot on the wall above my shoulder with his fist. I jumped and then he just walked away from me.

I couldn't stop crying and Lisa found me leaning against the wall. She pulled me up and urged me to drink more. She kept saying "Fuck him. He's a loser."

I started explaining the whole story. She just said "Iris, you knew him for a couple of months before you got engaged. You barely knew the guy so of course you weren't ready to get married. It wasn't the right time and you were honest with yourself" and then she went on to say "Plus, He is engaged again NOW to someone else?? He probably gets engaged once a year. That's not even normal, fuck him"

On one hand, Lisa had a good point. Luke had rushed into an engagement with me and I wasn't ready. How many people get married after only knowing eachother for a few months?? but on the other hand, I hurt him. I can't deny what I did or try to rationalize it.

Last night was horrible. I cried a lot and drank a lot. My head is pounding right now and I can't even think clearly. I have this annoying throbbing behind my eyes again. Lisa is still sleeping. I can't fall back to sleep but I don't have the energy to get dressed. I might call off sick from my morning shift at the deli and just crawl up into a ball.

I don't like myself again. It took me a while to reach a point where I could rebuild my self-esteem, my confidence and a feeling of self-worth. I feel like a nothing right now. I just cause people pain. I keep thinking of what Luke said to me last night.

I hate feeling like this inside. I can't change the past and my existance is just filled with regret.

Ashamed

2006-07-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

I had two dates with Jonas this weekend. One on Saturday and one on Sunday.

We had a lot of fun. We laughed, joked around and had dinner together. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and most like myself.

The only problem is that I really like him. The more time I spend with him, the more I want a relationship with him. The sexual tension is there and the desire for closeness. I feel it on his end so strongly and he wont act on it.

We come so close... When he said goodbye yesterday afternoon, he kissed me on the forehead. Then his kissed me on the cheek... then his lips grazed over mine... only to move over to the other cheek. I felt like I could barely breath. He squeezed my hand tightly, looked into my eyes and said "good night"

I was so aroused afterwards, I didn't even know what to do with myself. Lisa was out for the night with this guy that she's seeing and she told me that she would most likely crash at his apartment. I was alone.

I paced around feeling sexual frustration and wanting more. I picked up the phone to call Jonas and express these feelings but I just put it back on the receiver without dialing the numbers. I want this to be different. I like him too much to screw it up.

So I went online and Luke was signed in. For some reason I said "hello". I know chatting with an Ex is foolish, but I wasn't clearheaded. I was also drinking alone. I started opening up to him a bit, and he started telling me about his new fiance.

The conversation started edging into the danger zone. He made sexual suggestions and it turned me on. Next thing I knew I was pulling my shirt over my head and sliding my panties down over my thighs.

I've never done anything like that before. It's weird that we had no sexual chemistry in person at all, but in words...

It was different.

At 4 A.M., I started questioning my sanity.

Once I experienced a relief, I felt extreme guilt over what had happened. I closed my laptop and curled up in bed...I covered my face with my pillow.

On one hand, nothing happened. I mean, it's just words. Just an online chat conversation. We didn't touch eachother, it didn't mean anything. I'm not going to do it again and he's engaged to someone else. Is that cheating? Where do you draw the line?

I wonder how many people out there have done something like this and kept it a dirty secret. Is this something to be ashamed of or is it really no big deal? Is it really any different from reading a few paragraphs from an erotic novel and touching yourself? I don't know and it's bothering me...

I can't ignore the fact that he's engaged to be married and I feel ashamed. Why were we even chatting again in the first place?

Yesterday and Today

2006-07-21T18:19:00.000-04:00

I've seen this survey in a lot of blogs lately. I never filled out a survey before so I figured I'd give it a shot.

Ten years ago:
I was 12 years old and struggling with puberty. The awkward adolescent years. I had just gotten my period for the first time (and was hiding it from my mother and my sister), I had bought my first bra, I hated the way I looked. I let my bestfriend bleach my hair and it nearly fell out. I wanted to look like Gwen Stefani. I had a fascination with the movie "Interview with a Vampire" -- mostly because it was taboo and I was too young to be watching it in the first place. I started keeping a diary that year.

Five years ago:
I was 17 years old. I was always climbing out of the bedroom window to escape from my over-controlling mother. I had a steady boyfriend named Kevin and a clique at school. I started drinking. I wanted to be an actress and study Dramatic arts in college.

One year ago:
I was doing what I'm doing right now. Working as a bartender. I was in a bad place though. I couldn't afford my rent and had to move out by the end of the month. I was in the middle of breaking off my engagement with Luke and was starting to fool around with Michael (like a complete fucking idiot) If I knew then what I knew NOW...

But that's irrelevant. THIS is what I wrote in my diary one year ago today. It's an entry about my past sexual experiences.

Yesterday:
I went to work in the morning at the Deli. Jonas came in for a bagel. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me about my weekend plans. Now we have a date on Saturday. Lisa and I hung out in the afternoon. My Mother called. I told her about my college plans. She complained about the school I chose and told me that a community college degree will get me NOWHERE in life.

I hung up on her.

Lisa and I went to work together at 7.

Today:
A man hit on me at the Deli Counter. He was at least 55 years old. I was polite but distant. When I returned home there was a towel on the door which meant that Lisa was having sex. So I went to Starbucks for a few hours. When I came back, the towel was gone. Lisa was naked in bed and started talking about the guy she's screwing and how great it was.

I can't look in her direction when she's naked, It's too distracting. I know we're both girls, but it's hard for me to get used to that.

It must be nice to be able to lounge around the house all day and having sex. She's lucky that she doesn't have to work two jobs. I really should talk to her about how I like to have lunch at home after work and I don't like wandering around on the streets because she's having sex with some dude on MY FUTON.

On the other hand, I don't want to be a bitch. She has taken a huge financial weight off my shoulders and she is really cool to hang with. I might have to put my foot down though if this gets too out of hand.

This is weird because usually... I'M the screw up.

Tomorrow:
I'll probably be hung over. Lisa is inviting some friends over to our apartment tonight and neither of us have to work. It should be fun.

Five people I'm tagging

Anyone who wants to. I don't understand the whole tagging thing. Why put someone on the spot? you should write what you want in your own diary and not what someone tells you to write.

"You're it"

2006-07-19T23:58:00.000-04:00

I want you.

You came over in the early evening. The sun was just dipping below the horizon and the apartment was filled with a warm orangish glow.

When I opened the door we just stared at eachother. You know me, and I know you. We knew this moment was coming, we just didn't know when or how. I stood there for a moment leaning against the door frame wordlessly. I just waited for you to say something but you didn't.

You reached out and touched the side of my face, your finger moving down my cheek and grazing over my lips. I close my eyes and Your hand traveled down my neck. You pulled me into a hug. I know you understand. I know you aren't judging.

We pulled apart and I took your hand. I led you inside my apartment. Your eyes were just on me. You don't care where I lived or if I went to college. You don't care about my past or my mistakes. It's was just you and me in the moment.

I felt like I was barely breathing as I gazed at you. You leaned down and kissed me. Your lips were soft and at first hesitant. We were just barely touching. I was trembling and I knew that you felt the heat rising across my cheeks. Then it became more passionate and breathless. You pushed me my back against the wall and your hand moved down my body.

"We shouldn't be doing this", You tore your lips from mine and whispered this into my ear. "I don't know what I'm doing"

"It's okay"..I whispered back tugging on your shirt lightly.

Your hand cupped my breast over my shirt, your finger grazed over the nipple through the fabric. We stared at eachother. "I want you so bad"

You pulled my top over my head, the rubberband slipped out and my hair spilled over my face. I let you push me down on the bed and you slid my shorts down my thighs. Your hand moved over my panties, you felt the wetness inbetween my legs. I took a sharp intake of breath and saw your erection pushing against your pants. You leaned over me and I moved against you...I was filled with need and desire

Then I woke up.

That was 15 minutes ago. I'm sitting alone in my dark apartment and the dream is fading from my memory. Lisa is out for the night with her boyfriend. I have some private time all to myself and I really don't have anything to do. I'm just shifting in the sheets. I'm slipping in and out of sleep. I just feel lonely.

I hate nights like this

A crap day

2006-07-18T20:09:00.000-04:00

My sister came over this afternoon.

It was strange seeing her at my new apartment. I don't even know how she got the address. She stood there awkwardly clutching her expensive handbag. I let her in and she clicked by me in her high-heels. Sometimes it amazes me that we're related at all. We don't even look similar. I'm betting she even goes to my mother's hair salon. I wish I had a sister that was remotely like me. Someone that I could really bond with and that would stick up for me.

She looked around my flat and all I felt was judgment from her. I don't know why it bothers me, she doesn't mean anything to me. If we were strangers on the street, we wouldn't talk at all.

So then she starts making small talk. we sit down together at the stools next to the counter Island. The whole time I was just wondering what she was doing here and what she wanted from me.

Then she began to whine. "Iris, We've been trying for a baby for over a year. I think I'm infertile. He (her husband) is so disappointed in me. It's messing up our marriage. I want a little baby so bad and I'm thinking of going to an infertility clinic."

I just stared at her while she spoke. I couldn't figure out why she was telling me this. Where was she when I was put in the hospital? Where was she after my break up with Luke? After my break up with Michael? Where was she when I hit rock bottom and I was utterly alone? I couldn't come to her. Now she expects me to drop everything and be her therapist while she cries about her "supposed infertility". I wish not being able to pop out a kid right away was my biggest problem in life.

The sad thing is: She and I used to be close. As children we played barbies together, built blanket forts and confided in eachother. She would dress me up and put make up on me. We would pose in front of my mother's full-length closet mirror. But after my parents got divorced, she changed. Suddenly she was Mom's little henchman. She was distant and entirely involved in being "the model straight A student" "the perfect cheerleader" "the college bound prodigy" "the beautiful one". She started judging me with my mother and she used the bible as a weapon against my lifestyle.

So all I could muster up in response to her tearful confession. (If you can even call it that) was "I'm really sorry"

I think she sensed my insincerity because her expression hardened and she went off on me again. "You know, You're killing Mom. She worries sick about you. Why don't you call her once and a while? Why don't you just TRY? Why do you always have to go against her and hurt her? It's like you just don't give a shit about our family. You know that Mom is hurting, yet you persist in being like this. Living like this. ...etc. ..etc"

Lisa came in during her lecture. She was wearing a bikini with a towel wrapped around her waist. She had a guy with dark hair behind her. A guy I've never seen before. The way she stumbled and giggled was a clear indication that she was pretty drunk -- In the middle of the day. When I introduced her to my sister, she screamed and hugged her "Oh my god! Iris's Sis! Hey!!... then she turned to me and added "I didn't even know you had a sister!"

At that point my sister excused herself and left. Lisa thought this was hysterical and started asking if she said something wrong. I didn't like the way the guy she was with was scoping out our flat. I imagined him stealing everything we owned or something. (paranoid, much?)

I felt like I had no control. I can't explain the feeling. It was just this heaviness on my chest. Lisa and the guy were messing around in the kitchen and whispering things to eachother. I could see that there was sexual tension between them and she wanted me to leave. She obviously wanted "private time" with this guy.

So I unplugged my laptop, packed it up and told her I was going to Starbucks. Which is where I am now. I called Jonas to see if he would join me. But I just got his voice mail I've been here for about 2 hours now, so I'll save this in a word doc and post it later when I have the time. It's getting late and I need to eat dinner.

Another crappy day of my life.

Different Backgrounds

2006-07-17T17:27:00.000-04:00

"How often do you masturbate?"

Is that or is that not a weird question for a roommate to ask??

I didn't even know how to respond when Lisa asked me that. I just laughed.

"But seriously, do you?"

"Well, yeah..." (awkward)

"Okay"

Okay? I waited for her to elaborate or explain, but she didn't. I was going to ask her how often SHE does. But something tells me she does and really it's not my business. Maybe she wants to know if I have a problem with it. I don't. As long as she doesn't do it while I'm in bed next to her.

Lisa explained a little about her background which shed some light on her openness with these issues. Her mother is German and her father is Dutch. They met in Amsterdam and conceived her. She lived there for the first five years of her life, until her father got a job in California. She said that they always talked openly about sex and even took showers together. Her parents apparently walked around naked. She moved out of her home when she was 16 years old.

My own background originates from Europe as well, but I never traveled out of the U.S. My Grandparents on my mother's side are from France. I don't really get along with them all that well. They're brutal and blunt (I know where my mother gets it from). My father is Irish and Italian. My grandparents immigrated over to New York in the 1930's. Neither my father nor my mother discussed sex in the household.

In fact, Once I came out of the bedroom with plaid pj shorts and a tanktop. I was heading to the bathroom. I was about 13 or 14 at the time. My mother grabbed my arm and whispered "Put on a bra under that top and cover yourself. You can't walk around the house like that!"

Very different backgrounds.

She showed me some photographs of her travels in Europe. She went to the "Love Parade" in Berlin and traveled to Rome, Paris and Prague with her family. I'm jealous.

She's only been living with me for a few days and the place is already a mess. She leaves her towels on the bathroom floor, her make up all over the counters and food in the sink. I'm not an anal clean freak or anything but it doesn't HURT to clean up after yourself just a little bit.

Whatever.

I talked with the school administrator today and I enrolled for classes. I have everything completed. I'm putting aside money for the down payment that is due by the end of this month. I haven't declared my major yet but I have time to figure all that out. It's apparently not important for the first semester.

It's official. I am going to college! It's a community college but it's a college. It's a stepping stone. If I do well the first two semesters I can apply for scholarships at better private and state universities.

I have to get ready for work. Lisa is out with her cousin. She should be back soon. We have the same shift tonight at the bar so we'll be going in together.

New Roomie

2006-07-16T23:27:00.000-04:00

This whole roommate situation is going to take some time to really get used to.

Lisa came at 9 P.M. Friday night with about 6 boxes of stuff. There's nowhere to really put it. She has a ton of make up that she immediately cluttered up the bathroom with and a lot of DVD's. There's her cellphone, her P.C. station, her IPOD and a host of other electronic devices. Including a webcam.

I was a little overwhelmed.

But we warmed up pretty quickly. I had set aside space in the closet for her clothes and she started hanging up her outfits. She kept thanking me for taking her in and telling me how excited she was about living together.

She DOES actually sleep naked. Which was wierd because right now we're sharing a bed until her next paycheck comes in. Then she'll buy a second futon. I sleep with my panties and a tanktop usually. It's just weird brushing my legs against another person at night. In a sense, she is essentially a stranger to me still. She has a beautiful body and I think she knows it. She came out the shower all giggly and climbed into bed.

"This is like a non-stop sleepover party" (well...we'd been drinking, so we were both acting silly). We popped in a DVD. It was fun.

But it's different.

Jonas came over Saturday morning to go to the beach. We had a good time. We came so close to kissing at one point. I want to write more about our date but Lisa is coming back soon. She just stepped out to pick up some snacks at the kiosk down the street. I don't want her looking over my shoulder at what I'm typing. (She's the nosy type, I have to make sure my laptop is always closed and password protected) It's nice having someone around all the time We went to work together Saturday night.),

but I have a feeling that I'll miss my privacy a bit.

Getting back on track

2006-07-14T18:02:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling much better today.

Jonas spent the night.

Nothing happened last night. It was entirely innocent.

He came over at 8 p.m. We went out to see "Superman Returns" (This new superman can't compare to the late Christopher Reeves in my opinion) and then went out to eat. We came back to my apartment for a few drinks. This was the first time I let him in. I felt a little self-conscious because of how bare my apartment is.

There's just a futon pushed against the wall, a shelf with my small television in the corner. A box with my laptop propped on it next to the window. A bookshelf with a few books. There's the kitchen and the bathroom.

"I don't have much, I just moved in last month", I explained.

"You don't need much in life. People tend to just collect a lot of pointless shit", Jonas said "I like your apartment"

What I like about Jonas is how laid back he is. He's just so real and down to earth. I like how his hair falls over his face when he leans over. I like his clear eyes and his jaw line. He has a grungy look to him, this kind of "kurt Cobain" quality that brings back desires from my early adolescence in the late 90's

We drank together and shared a cigarette. The more we drank, the more relaxed I felt and the more loose my tongue became. I started sharing too much and it scared me. He listened so intently, like he was absorbing each word I said. At one point when I was talking about my childhood with my mother, he put his hand over mine.

I pulled back from him. I suddenly felt this irrational fear that if I got too drunk he would take advantage of me. That I would end up lying on my back with my skirt pulled up. What makes him different from any other guy. I felt foolish for having him over. I felt scared.

He asked me what was wrong and I started crying. Then I started crying because I was crying. I knew that made me look like an emotional basketcase.

He asked me if it was something he did and for me to open up about what was upsetting me.

I just started blabbering "No, I'm just afraid, Something happened. I can't open up to you. I can't trust anyone anymore"

"You can trust me. Come here" He rubbed my shoulder and urged me to lay down. Then he rested next to me. He pulled me against him. He felt so warm and I felt myself shaking because I didn't know where this was going and if I wanted it to go there anymore. Last week I did, but now I don't know.

But he just held me and stroked my hair. We lay there in bed with our clothing on just talking. I fell asleep in his arms. It was the most beautiful feeling. I feel safe with him, in a way I haven't felt in a long long time.

At 6:30 he shook me awake gently. "I have to go to work", He whispered. "I'll call you". He kissed my forehead and he left.

I fell back to sleep happy. All day I felt good. He called me in the afternoon and we talked for a while. I'm going to see him tomorrow. We're going to go to the beach again.

He wanted to get together again tonight but Lisa should be coming over soon with her boxes. I'm waiting for a phone call from her.

I feel myself relaxing with Jonas. I'm less anxious about everything after last night. I feel like I can grow to trust him and that this relationship can become something really special.

I have to drink less though. Alot of the problems I face in life could be avoided if I would just lay off the alcohol. I need to be clearheaded. I will be less a victim of circumstance and more in control of my life. Half of the entries in this diary were written after a few drinks. It allows me to open up but at the same time I become hopeless, angsty, frightened, and chaotic. I'm not as careless and stupid as I come off. I show my worst and darkest sides. All the fears I hide from those around me get poured into this. All my mistakes, secrets, regrets, desires and struggles.

I have the potential within me to shape up. I know this. My life isn't always going to be like this. It's that belief that keeps me going.

Deleting the previous entry helped me let go of the past. Fuck him. Nothing he can do to me will change the way I see myself. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm moving past it.

2006-07-12T17:36:00.000-04:00

I can't remember the last time I felt so low, vulnerable and angry.

It's a sad world we live in. People take advantage of others. They point their fingers and laugh. They want to break others, see them struggle and squirm beneath them. Everyone wants to feel superior and better than the next person. "I'm smarter. I'm stronger. I'm in control"

No one wants to be the victim, so they put others down.

People use others.

People abuse others.

And they have no trouble sleeping at night afterwards because they can rationalize their behavior.

The more you trust, the more you open up... the more you are knocked down.

I will never trust anyone again and I will always keep my back up.

I'm not going to be put in that position again.

2006-07-12T12:54:00.000-04:00

What constitutes date rape?? Where is the line drawn?

I feel like I'm going to vomit, I feel sick and uneasy. I just want to curl up in a ball and stop moving all together. I don't want to go to work tonight.

I didn't pick up the phone all day (even when I heard Jonas's voice on the machine) and I didn't show up for my morning shift at the deli. I don't even want to write about this because I know what anyone that reads this will think.

"Iris, You asked for it."

I keep clenching my jaw and the sides of my face feel sore from doing this. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at him. I hate this vicious cycle that defines my life. It has to end. I look like shit right now because my eyes are swollen from crying.

Maybe I'll write about this later. not right now.

"Just friends"

2006-07-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

What do you do when someone says they want to be "Just friends" and you want more than that? How do you adjust to that when you feel so disappointed inside?

Jonas and I got together last night to see his friend perform with his band at a night club in the area. We drank a lot..

During the performance, He put his hand over mine and his leg brushed against mine under the table. I was so nervous, I was just trying to stop my legs from trembling. He has this affect on me where I feel like I lose all control. I can't even verbalize it.

Afterwards we met up with his friend for a drink and then walked home towards my apartment.

We were standing on the steps in front of the front door, and I leaned against him slightly because I was drunk. I could smell his aftershave and I liked the feel of his cheek against mine. He steadied me with his hand on my lowerback and I gazed up at him.

"I really like you" I wish I hadn't said it. It just slipped out, It was the alcohol talking.

"I like you too" was his response "I like you a lot"

"So what are we going to do about that?", I whispered.

"Build a friendship", He said. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"

"I know...I just meant.." I straightened up and pulled away from him.

"No, it's just that.."

"It's okay, I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I'm not.. I'm just.." I can't remember exactly what I said back. It was awkward and the room was spinning.

He stared at me, like he was trying to read me. I felt vulnerable and exposed, foolish all of a sudden.

I fumbled for my keys and told him I had to go. Then I turned my back on him and went inside.

I feel like an idiot. The night was perfect, but everytime I think of the last few minutes..I just cringe. I always manage to screw up a good thing by moving too fast and wanting too much.

A roommate

2006-07-08T11:56:00.000-04:00

I have a roommate!

Lisa agreed to move in with me.

She came home with me after work to check out my flat and have a look around. We sat together on my futon smoking Marlboro lights and drinking shots of vodka. We laughed and talked together until 4 A.M.

She seemed relieved to have a place to stay. She's going to spend the rest of the week with her cousin and move in next Saturday. She agreed to split the rent and expenses 50/50.

Since I have a one room studio apartment this will be like having a dorm roommate. I never had a taste of the whole "college campus experience", so this is entirely new to me. I lived with Stacey for a few months and I had lived with Michael. This is different though, there is no room to escape into and no real privacy. We'll be really in eachother's space.

We joked about how we would put a towel on the door handle when we have a guy over in bed, so we wouldn't walk in on the other person in the middle of the act. We talked about how Lisa sleeps naked and she asked whether that's going to be a problem. I don't see how it would be since we're both girls.

I told her about Jonas and she told me about a guy she met at a club a few days ago that has been calling her a lot on her cellphone. I didn't get into the whole Michael story with her yet. I'll talk about all that later.

For now I'm just happy that I have someone to live with me. She's essentially a stranger still, but I like her a lot.

I guess I'll see how it goes.

I'm going to do this, I'm going to enroll in community college classes for the next semester. I can afford to now and I have all the forms filled out.

Breaking the rules

2006-07-07T19:45:00.000-04:00

Thank you

It's good to know that I'm not the only one that questions the validity of "The Rules" and thinks some of the principles are dated. Yes, It makes sense on a certain level. I don't think anyone should allow themselves to be taken for granted and it's good to have a sense of independence. However, It can't be "faked". What's the point of lying? It makes dating into a big >game.

Sure, It's good to keep a sense of mystery and not throw everything about yourself on the table at once. But pretending to be someone that you're not so that the guy marries you is ludicrious. Eventually you have to be honest and open.

I know I'm young and the people that wrote that book have a lot more experience than me. I'll just try to strike a balance and do what feels right.

Last night I went out drinking with Carl and his boyfriend. When I got home I saw the light blinking on the answering machine. It was Jonas!

The Rules: "Don't call him back if he leaves a message on your answering machine. You'll appear too eager. Let him enjoy the chase"

(*first rule broken*) I called him back today after my morning shift at the Deli.

It was so nice hearing his voice again. He invited me to go out this weekend.

He said: "My friend from college has a band and they're performing at the ________ on Sunday. Do you want to come?"

The Rules: "Don't even accept a date unless he's given ample notice" (for instance, If he wants to see you on the weekend, he has to call you by Wednesday. If he doesn't, Tell him it's too late and you already have plans.)

(*second rule broken*) I said "yes"

Then he asked me what I was doing tonight. I told him I had to work.

The Rules: "Don't talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes. Use an egg timer. When it goes off make an excuse like you're too busy and hang up."

(*third rule broken*) We talked for 45 minutes. I sat on the windowsill, taking in the afternoon sun and laughing. He has a great sense of humor. I could talk to him for hours.

I feel a lot more confident and happy today. Maybe it was the phone call I just had with Jonas, or maybe it's the warm weather. I just feel like I have things under control for once.

I'm actually thinking of calling Jonas back and telling him that even though I have to work, I could meet him after my shift is over and we can get a drink together. Maybe I shouldn't... Maybe I should just wait until Sunday. I'm torn. I'll take a shower and see how I feel afterwards.

Tonight I'm going to invite Lisa to live with me, if she agrees it will free up so much of my income. I hope this works out.

The Rules?

2006-07-06T18:41:00.000-04:00

Jonas didn't call me today

I'm feeling lonely and miserable tonight. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I want to call him, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm overanalyzing this entire relationship and my distance is causing him to think I'm not interested. I'm playing it so safe that I think I'm pushing him away.

I wish there was a definitive handbook of rules for dating so I wouldn't keep making the same mistakes over and over. I told this to Stacey this afternoon and she dropped by with a book for me to read. It's called "The Rules"

I started reading it and I'm not sure if I agree with it or disagree. Here are some examples of what they tell you to do in this book.

1. "Don't talk too much. Don't reveal too much about yourself, remain a mystery". (which is kind of what I'm doing)

2. "Never go Dutch. Make sure the guy pays for the date."

3. "Never approach a man, let him approach you." (oops....)

4. "Don't tell him about your problems" (emotional instability, past drug use or issues in your life)

5. "Don't call a man on the phone. Don't call him back if he leaves a message on your answering machine. You'll appear too eager. Let him enjoy the chase."

6. "Don't talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes. They even suggest putting an egg timer up. Then make an excuse like you're too busy and hang up."

7. "Don't even accept a date unless he's given ample notice" (for instance, If he wants to see you on the weekend, he has to call you by Wednesday. If he doesn't, Tell him it's too late and you already have plans. Kind of like a sold out ticket for a concert. You have to book it in advance.)

8. "Don't have sex right away. Wait at least several months otherwise it will be dating suicide."

9. "If you want a man to marry you, don't live with him. Wait until he offers a ring."

This book gave me a headache. I didn't know what to think. On one hand, I agree that it's true... if you make yourself too available or come off as too needy, the man will lose interest or take you for granted.

Some of these rules are so contrived though and forced. It seems kind of manipulative and unfair for the guy. Isn't it important to just be yourself? Be honest? On the other hand, I didn't follow these rules for Michael and look how that relationship ended up! Maybe there is some truth in these rules.

What do you think?

Fuck "the rules" and call Jonas?

Stick by "the rules" and wait for him to call me?

I really AM overanalyzing things. I have to find better ways to spend my time so it doesn't matter if he calls me. I was never like this before, I'm just afraid because I like him so much. I don't want to mess this up.

At any rate, I've decided to invite Lisa to live with me and be my roommate. We'll split the rent 50/50 and I'm going to register for college classes. I have to get my life in order. I can't live like this anymore.

I'll ask her about this tomorrow night at work. I hope she says "yes", I hate feeling lonely at night and would be nice to have a roommate to talk to. Tonight I have the night off and no real plans yet.

Something to consider....

2006-07-06T02:15:00.000-04:00

Work at the bar has been more stressful since Stacey left the job. I had to work for two people since my boss hadn't found a replacement. I was always on my feet and burnt out by the end of my shift.

Tonight my boss brought in a new employee. She's 20 years old but looks about 16. Her name is Lisa. She has bleached blond hair that falls past her shoulders and wide searching eyes. She always looks like she's hungry and expecting something to happen. She kept shifting her weight from foot to foot and running her tongue over her lips. I guess she was nervous on her first day. My boss put me in charge of showing her the ropes which I wasn't really in the mood for. It's a hassle training a new person and I'd never done it before. Stacey had trained me when I first arrived.

During break, she offered me a marlboro light and I accepted. We stood outside together in the alleyway watching the cars drive by. It was drizzling outside and kind of cold tonight.

She started telling me about her background, she's from San Francisco and was staying here with her cousin.

She's looking for a roommate and a place to live before she wears out her welcome.

I told her I'd look into it and try to help her out.

Now that I'm home, I'm starting to think that maybe I should offer for her to live with ME. I need a roommate to help foot the bills so that I can put aside money for college. It seems to make the most sense, It's just that my apartment is a one room studio. it's large, but there isn't any private space. I don't know how I would bring in another person, but financially it would make a lot of sense. She doesn't seem to be picky about living conditions and seems to need something fast.

We would probably get along. She seems nice enough. liberal, laidback, cool, a smoker and a drinker. Maybe she could help me furnish this apartment.

I don't know, I'm kind of on the fence about it. I like having my own apartment and my personal space, but it's not like I have a lot of money or options right now.

I would also be helping out someone in need. She seems as lost as I am.

I don't know, I'll sleep on it.

Jonas is back from his grandparents house. I would call him, but it's 2 A.M. I want to hear his voice again and feel that happiness build in the pit of my stomach. I just hate sitting at home unable to sleep and lonely.

I hate these empty moments in my life. I wonder if they'll ever go away. Is this it? Is this really as good as it gets? I feel like there has to be something more. I'm throwing my words out there into the emptiness of cyberspace imagining that someone cares and is listening. That someone else might be feeling lonely and receive a bit of comfort from these words. That's probably not the case, but it's nice to imagine. I'm going to take a shower and get some sleep.

The Beach

2006-07-05T03:05:00.000-04:00

I just got back from a fourth of July party at Carl's house. I'm happy to see that I have wireless internet connection again. I have to throw in an quick diary update. I couldn't get online for days. I should really pay for my own service instead of stealing my neighbors airwaves.

I'm so tired. I need to wash the eyeliner off my face and put down my hair. I want to take a long hot shower and unwind.

My mind is all over the place and there is so much to write about. I can't think straight.

On Saturday, Jonas and I went to the beach. The weather was beautiful and the day was amazing.

I never realized how naked you can feel in a bikini under a certain person's intense observation. It's like stripping down to your bra and panties in public. I felt a little self-conscious when I pulled my shirt over my head and slid my pants down my hips. The bathingsuit I chose exposes everything, especially when it gets wet.

We went into the water, even though it was cold. I laughed and shivered. He held my hand as we entered the water. I loved the feeling of his warm hand gripping mine. I didn't want him to let go. At one point, he pulled me close to go under a wave together.

Unfortunately part of my top came off, revealing my nipple and breast. He politely averted his eyes as I adjusted myself. My face was bright red. I wanted to die...

A wave caused me to brush up against him, I felt an erection in his trunks. It was a strangely intense moment. I wanted to push my body closer and kiss him. A wet trembling kiss in the water. I was so close to doing it, but I stopped myself. We have to take this slow.

The sexual tension was so thick. It overwhelmed me. I know he felt it too and it caused our conversation to come to a complete standstill. We struggled to get back on the playful track we had before. It took a few minutes.

That was the only awkward moment of the night. Afterwards, we lay on the beachblanket and dug our feet into the warm sand while talking about everything. The sun dried our bodies and a cool breeze pushed my hair into my face. I was happy. I felt at peace, at home.

It just felt right... everything. He feels right.

He dropped me off at home at 6 P.M. after we got a bite to eat. I wanted to invite him in, but I want so badly for this to be different from my past two relationships. If I invited him in, we would have had sex. I felt it and I know myself. I would have offered him a few drinks and gotten drunk. My inhibitions would be gone and I would have moved too fast and I DON'T want that this time. I want to really know him, I want him to know me.

He called me on Sunday. He said he was going to spend the Fourth of July at his grandparents Ranch upstate and that he would be back on Wednesday. We talked for a while and hung up.

I have to rid myself of all the fears I have inside. I fear that if I open up too much about myself, I'll scare him away. I'm holding back so much.

I'm too tired to get into all these emotions, I need to crash. I'll write more about this another time.

Happy 4th of July.

Anticipation

2006-06-30T22:07:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my date with Jonas!

He called this afternoon

At first I didn't pick up because I thought it was Michael. When I heard Jonas's voice on the machine, I quickly grabbed the phone.

"Hi! Sorry... I just stepped in"

"Iris?"

"Yes"

"It's Jonas, I'm just calling about tomorrow. Are we still on for the beach?"

"Yes, What time? Are we going to meet there?"

"That's what I was going to ask you. Is it okay if I pick you up at 11 A.M."

"Sure"

"I need your address"

"Right... I live... (insert address)"

"Great"

"So I'll see you tomorrow then"

"I'm looking forward to it", He said

"Me too", I hesitated because I wanted to say more. I realized my hand was trembling slightly. I was nervous. His voice causes this reaction and this anticipation to build in my stomach. I wish I had more control over this response. I wish I could be more relaxed. "Good night"

He hesitated "okay, Goodnight Iris"

I smiled and put down the phone carefully. Then fell over onto my futon happily. I'm so excited about seeing him again. This week seemed to stretch on for eternity...

Michael called an hour afterwards and I didn't pick up. I'm sober now and thinking clearly. My relationship with Michael is over and I'm not going back.

This is a new beginning.

Trying to escape the past

2006-06-29T08:22:00.000-04:00

Why does the past keep creeping up on me the minute I start to feel like I've regained control over my life? Is it always going to be like this? Am I always going to feel overwhelmed, and confused?

I'm such a mess right now and I'm on the verge of doing something potentially stupid. Something I will regret tomorrow.

So I'm going to write in my diary instead.

I just spoke to Michael. He called and we were on the phone for about an hour. The first part of the phone call was basically just him trying to convince me to get back together with him. He tried a number of angles.

For example: "Stacey told me that you wanted to go to college. I know you can't afford to live alone in that apartment so move back in with me. I'll help you, I'll support you and you wont have any rent to pay. You left without explaining, lets try to make this work. Lets start again"

Another person offering to "help me" -- but there's always conditions involved.

I tried to explain to him how empty I was feeling, how much I hated his drug use, how I couldn't trust him and how I felt that he didn't truly love me.

That's when the conversation became more intense, confusing and complex for me

Michael started pouring out all these feelings.: "Iris, I do love you. I always loved you and I never stopped loving you"

"You're just saying that"

"I wanted you from the first moment I saw you. You honestly changed my life. "

I just sighed.

"It was never easy for me to say these things to you. I was afraid."

"I want to believe you, Michael...I just can't anymore. It's different now."

"It doesn't have to be. When we're together it just falls into place again. It just feels right. The last time I came over-"

"I don't want to talk about that. Please...It was a mistake..."

"But you wanted it. Iris, I saw it in your eyes. You were so wet, so open to me. You want this too. Just tell me you don't. Tell me that you want me entirely out of your life forever. I'll hang up right now. "

I started to cry. I couldn't stop myself from having that reaction. "Don't do this to me"

"Iris, Do you remember our first shower together?"

"yes" -- Of course I do. It was so amazing I even wrote about it in this diary (HERE) I had opened up myself for him and did something I had never done before. It was a defining moment for us. I was finally free to give myself entirely to him because I had ended my engagement. It was intense. Raw. Real. lust.

Just thinking of that made me want him again. It brings me back to another time and my body responds to simply the memory.

"I remember your lips trembling, your hair wet and your vulnerability. My God you were so beautiful in that moment. I loved you then and it never changed. I want to touch you like that again right now, Iris. I want to see you. "

I wanted to see him too. "No"

"I want to push you gently down on the bed, pull your shirt over your head and kiss your breasts. I want to slip my hands into your panties and feel-"

"Please, Michael.."

"I can come over right now. We don't have to rush this. We can take it slow. We wont do anything you don't want to do. We can just talk. I miss you so much right now, Iris. "

"I have to go, I'm sorry" Then I hung up the phone. I started crying again because I felt like my whole body was aching. It was a mixture of longing, desire and grief.

Right now I feel hot and bothered by the things he said to me. I sicken myself because even though my logical mind tells me not to go back to him, my body wants it. I'm tempted to let him into my life again.

I love him and I hate him. I need to take a cold shower and shake this arousal off. I have to be clearheaded again and remind myself of all the reasons I left him in the first place.

Typing this helped. I'm going to call Stacey and see if she wants to go out tonight. I have the night off and I need to get my mind off this.

New Bikini

2006-06-28T17:58:00.000-04:00

This afternoon, Carl and I went shopping for a new bikini for my date this weekend. It was fun going to the mall with him again, It's been a while since we spent time together. We had iced coffee in the food court and just caught up. He seems so happy and in love with his new boyfriend. I'm really glad he found someone that he really connects with.

I guess that's what we're all looking for in life. If you're lucky enough to find that person, you don't let go.

I'm kind of jealous. I want that.

I found a great bikini on clearance at Victorias Secret. This is what it looks like:

I tried it on in the dressing room. It's strange how open it was. It was just one huge room with mirrors on all sides. There were 5 other woman trying on outfits. I get self-conscious about removing my clothing in front of strangers. I wonder if I'm the only one that subconsciously compares my body to everyone else's. The woman next to me was a few years older and very confident. She just pulled off her top, revealing perfect breasts. Then she played with her hair in front of the mirror, whipping her long blond hair past her shoulders and peering at her reflection. She seemed to comand attention and I couldn't help looking.

I tried on the bikini and she smiled at me.

"That looks good on you", she said "you have a nice body"

For some reason that made my day. It was like Julia Roberts telling you that you're good looking. A compliment from a stranger really makes a difference if you're as insecure as I am. I walked out of the dressing room to get Carl's opinion. He gave a low whistle and nodded. He gave me a thumbs up. Carl is great to go shopping with. He might not be heterosexual, but he has an eye for fashion. I can always trust his judgment.

When I got home, I took the bikini out of the bag, tried it on again and spread a blanket on the fire escape. The sunlight was streaming in and the skies were blue. I was hoping to get some sun before my beach trip. I'm so pale right now. It was relaxing, the warmth on my body and the sounds of the city below. I felt at peace, for a moment. Everything was okay.

I closed my eyes and thought about Jonas. I imagined us making out on the warm sand. I imagined what his lips would feel on mine. I'm looking forward to Saturday. I'm wondering if I should call him, just to say "hi". It's tempting, I want to just hear his voice again. I've been hoping that he would show up at the Deli again, but he didn't.

I'll just wait until this weekend. I don't want to jinx it. I have to take this slow and be patient. I don't want him to start taking me for granted and getting sick of me. I have to play it cool.

Tonight is Stacey's last night working a the bar. We're going to throw her a going-away party.

My Mother the witch

2006-06-27T23:47:00.000-04:00

I should have been suspicious when my mother called me out of the blue after my morning shift at the deli and invited me over for lunch.

She sounded too friendly and too sweet. She said she "missed" spending time with me and told me that my sister would be coming over too. She usually doesn't stage spontaneous lunch gatherings.

I didn't really want to go, but I thought this might give me to the opportunity to talk about college. I thought that maybe my mother could help me out.

When I arrived, I saw immediately what this was all about.

Luke was there.

What kind of mother DOES that? He's my ex-fiance! We broke up last year, we left on unstable terms. My last encounter with him was embarrassing to the say the least. Why would she try to push us into an uncomfortable encounter?? The least she could have done was warn me ahead of time.

I hate the fact that my mother has pushed her way into my personal business and formed a friendship with my ex-boyfriend's family. I hate how she rubs our break-up in my face and causes dramatic scenes. I hate how she takes HIS side over mine when I'm her fucking daughter! It's not her business and it's not her place.

Luke looked surprised and uneasy. Apparently she didn't tell him I was coming either.

He didn't say anything during lunch. He just looked down and pushed his food nervously around on his plate. Meanwhile my mother drilled me about my life, my plans and put me down. I brought up the subject of college and she started on her usual rant.

Mom: "I'll help you if you move back home. I have connections with a nice college and I can enroll you in a promising major. I wont support your ideas of art, writing or drama. That will get you nowhere. I also wont support your wanton lifestyle. You'll be under my roof and under my rules. I can get you back on the right track like your sister. We'll fix up your room and I'll get you a car. I'm offering you everything you need. You would be a fool not to take this offer and continue living a life of sin"

I had to hold my tongue. Luke avoided my eyes.

Then she and my sister left the table so Luke and I could have "alone time".

It's obvious that she thinks we can "work things out" even though he's currently engaged to someone else. This is how twisted my mother is.

I was polite and asked him how he was doing. He said he was "fine". He asked me about my life. I told him I was seeing someone named Jonas. Okay so it's not entirely the truth, but it's not a full blown lie. Jonas and I have potential after all and a date on Saturday. I told him I was enrolling in a community college, I just needed to figure out the financial situation.

"If I can help in anyway, Iris... just let me know", Luke said "I'll do anything I can. I know things were hard for you after our break up"

"I've got everything under control" (a complete lie) "but thanks for the offer"

Then I excused myself from the table and said I had to go.

"Feel free to call me anytime", Luke said "it would be nice to be friends again and catch up."

Yeah.

Right....

That encounter this afternoon depressed the hell out of me. I don't want to be reminded about the mistakes I made or the people I hurt. I don't want to go back to that time. I'm trying to move on with my life and my mother wont let it go. What the hell is the matter with her?

To make matters worse, Michael called while I was away. I listened to his voice on the answering machine and pressed delete. Attack of the ex-boyfriends. This was an all-around bad day.

I have so much emotional baggage, I wonder how Jonas would reacte if he knew all this.

I feel so confused inside and I'm not sure what path I should take. Am I really a fool for not agreeing to my mother's terms? I'm 22 years old, Don't I have every right in the world to live my life the way I see fit?? Why can't she support me instead of being a controlling wench?

End of rant.

I need a drink

First Date

2006-06-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

First dates have a potential to be really weird. They can go any which way and you never know what to expect. I'm always nervous before a first date.

I don't even know if you can call it a "Date"

But it went really well with Jonas today. I met him this afternoon for coffee. I have to go to work in 15 minutes, But I needed to log on and write about it. I'm kind of giddy and happy.

Sometimes people feel like strangers and you're struggling to make conversation. That wasn't the case with Jonas. The words just flowed.

He wasn't there when I arrived and I sat alone in the front area of Starbucks with a Frappucino. I kept pushing the straw nervously up and down, tapping my feet and glancing around the room. I thought he was going to stand me up but he appeared 5 minutes late.

His blond hair was pulled back in a David Beckham style pony tale. He had on a blue shirt and slacks. When he saw me, he eased into the seat next to me and smiled. (he has the most beautiful smile!)

The first thing he said was: "Sorry I'm late"

I just smiled. God I was nervous.

"Sorry I was so short on the phone yesterday", I said "I just.."

"Don't worry about it", He said "I was thrilled when I got that note from you last week. It took me a few days to get back to you because I had to visit my father in New Jersey over that weekend for Father's day."

"oh..."

"Did you do anything for Father's day?"

"I don't really talk to my father anymore", I said "so..not really"

"Oh" He said. "So, Iris..tell me about yourself"

"I don't know where to start?", I shrugged and laughed nervously.

"Okay, I'll start by telling you about me. My name is Jonas and I'm 26 years old"

I smiled "My name is Iris and I'm 22"

He reached across the table to shake my hand and we started laughing.

He made me feel so good! He has such a warm smile and alluring eyes. He's so down to earth and real. He's an assistant art director for a local cable station. He graduated from college a few years ago. He plays guitar. He's so perfect, almost too good to be true.

He told me I was beautiful. I didn't know how to respond. I just rubbed more forehead, looked down and smiled. My face felt hot and my cheeks were burning. I don't want to screw this up. I want to take it slow and yet I already want more than just friendship.

He invited me to the beach on Saturday. I said "Yes".

It's so comfortable and normal. I'm not used to this. I let him do most of the talking and just listened. I didn't really open up about myself too much because I was afraid of scaring him away. When he realizes how messed up I am, he might go running in the opposite direction.

I look forward to going to the beach this weekend. I have to buy a new bathingsuit this week. I lost the bottom part of mine during my move and this will be my first time going to the beach this summer.

We didn't talk about past relationships or current relationships. I didn't want to ask him because it would be implying too much. I'm just going to take this day by day.

No expectations, No disappointment.

He paid for my coffee. He insisted. He's a real gentleman. I'm not used to this at all.

I'm late for work now.

Making the call

2006-06-25T18:21:00.000-04:00

I did it.

I called Jonas!

I was so nervous before the phone call. I kept pacing back and forth in my apartment and twisting the phone around in my hand. I finally just dialed the numbers he left on the note. I waited while the phone rang five times.

Then I heard his voice. At first I didn't even speak. He said "Hello?" again.

This is how the conversation went:

"Hi, Is this Jonas?"

"Yes, Who's this?"

"It's Iris, from the Deli"

"hey..."

"Sorry about Thursday.... I was having a bad day"

"That's okay, what's up?"

He sounded so distant and I felt like I was losing my nerve. "Well, I wanted to know if you wanted to get together some time. I have tomorrow morning off from work so..."

He was silent. "That sounds great. Where should we meet? I have to work but I have a lunch break between 12 and 2"

"I don't know, Maybe at Starbucks, the one on...(insert address)"

"Alright, I'll see you there. Is 12 okay?"

"Yes. Okay, bye"

He hesitated "Alright, see you tomorrow then"

I quickly hung up and dropped the phone on the sofa. Then I buried my face in the sofa cushion. That was so awkward!!! What am I DOING?!

Okay, So that's it. I'm seeing Jonas tomorrow. I did it. I called him. Now I have to build up the nerve to show up. I don't know how I should dress. What if we just sit there with nothing to say to eachother?? What if it's uncomfortable? We don't know KNOW eachother!!

I'm a bundle of nerves about this. I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I have to focus and get ready for work.

P.S. A message to someone that left me a caring E-mail. Thank you for reaching out.

It's not healthy for me to feel this way

2006-06-23T21:51:00.000-04:00

I just took a shower, and I'm sitting indianstyle my cotton bathrobe next to the livingroom window. I really need a table for my laptop, because propping it up on a cardboard box is really ghetto. My hair is still dripping wet and this room feels suffocating. It's so stifling without air conditioning.

I'm feeling so lost at the moment.

It's Friday night and I have plans with Stacey. We're meeting a group of friends at the local pub. I have the night off and usually I would be excited. But I'm not. This is more or less a goodbye party for Stacey because she's officially quitting her bartending job. I can't help but feeling upset about this. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I feel like she's leaving ME. We were in this together for so long. Now she's advancing to the next stage in her life. I'm staying right where I am.

I don't even feel like getting dressed. I can't find the motivation to get excited about going out. I just want to curl up in a ball on the sofa. I want to be alone. I feel like my life is going nowhere and I have no sense of direction.

I wonder if I'm the only one that lays on the floor staring up the ceiling for 15 minute stretches, just observing the cracks. I wonder if other people step on the walls with their barefeet, just staring at their toes. I wonder if I'm the only one that walks around the apartment naked just to feel the cool air against bare skin.

I was so hot this afternoon. I just ran an icecube over my body and watched the water pool in my bellybutton then spill over. I thought about how much I wanted to be touched by someone, How much I want to be kissed again. I want to be held. I want to feel love. I want to feel passion. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to feel like I'm needed by someone.

I want to wake up in the morning with arms around me. I want to feel secure. I want to know that I wont face the future alone.

Why can't there be a mixture. Why can't I find someone that loves me, but also makes my thighs tremble? Why does it have to be one or the other? Loveless sex...or sexless love....

Jonas didn't come into the deli this morning.

So many times I thought about calling him. I pressed one or two buttons on the phone but then disconnected it. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what I expect from him. I think I've idealized him in my mind to the point where he'll never measure up. I want to call him so badly though and I'm not sure what is stopping me.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I had more courage, strength and confidence.

Nobody would know all this by looking at me. I wonder if people that meet me on the street would view me differently if they read this diary and knew my secrets. Would they look down on me? be shocked at the things I've done in my life? be disgusted? Sometimes it scares me to imagine that happening, but on the other hand writing out my feelings helps.

Somehow thinking that one person out there might relate or understand makes this life a little easier.

I have to get dressed, Stacey will be here in 5 minutes.

Another meeting

2006-06-22T16:00:00.000-04:00

Jonas came into the store again this morning. I couldn't escape him this time so I just gave him a polite smile and asked him what he'd like to order. I'm so tired of being the girl behind the counter. I want the roles to be reversed for a change. I'm always the one serving.

He seemed to think about it for a second, than asked "did you get my note?"

I only nodded, but I didn't look at him.

There was a long silence. "Okay I'll have a plain bagel"

I heated it up and wrapped it for him.

He stared at me for a moment. He looked like he was going to say something, but he didn't.

"Bye", He said finally taking his bagel off the counter and he was gone.

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!! I stared up at the ceiling in frustration and a slew of curses ran through my head. Why do I get like this when I like someone?? Why wasn't I friendly? Why didn't I open up and talk to him? What the hell is the matter with me?

I like him so much, just seeing him again up close and personal brought back a rush of feelings. There was this excitment in the pit of my stomach, this anticipation and this desire to talk to him.

Instead I acted cold and nonchalant. I was just so NERVOUS. He'll probably never come again during my morning shift and I don't blame him.

At least I have his phone number so it's up to me to make the next move. I just need time.

I shouldn't obsess about this. I just can't stop thinking about this morning. I wish I had behaved differently.

This afternoon I filled out some of the college forms. I'm not sure about some of the financial questions. I have to get some forms from my boss and I need recommendations! Who is going to give me recommendations? Am I going to bug my old highschool teachers after 5 years? I'm also unsure about what to write in the essay. I really want this, but it seems so unattainable right now.

I can't do this alone. I envy people that have parents that help and care. I don't have anyone to turn to.

Passing notes

2006-06-21T16:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning I didn't go to work. I called off sick and slept in. I was feeling better in the afternoon and I went to my bartending job at night. It was a slow and depressing shift. Stacey said she's thinking about quitting her job. Her husband got a raise at his job and they don't need the income as much as they used to. We've been working together for years and she's my bestfriend. She makes this job bearable. I hope she doesn't leave. I know it's selfish of me feel this way.

Something MAJOR happened this morning though!

Jonas came to the Deli today.

His hair is longer and blonder than I remembered. he was wearing a faded gray shirt and blue jeans. It was such a shock to see him again. I had already written off the possibility of him showing up.

I looked like crap, was utterly hungover and down on myself. When I saw him enter the shop, I just froze. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't ready. I expected a phone call... a letter...

But a face to face encounter after that embarrassing note at 9 A.M?

It was too much.

I escaped into the backroom. I know he saw me but I didn't care. I bumped into my co-worker

"Could you take care of the next customer, I'm not feeling well. I need to go to the bathroom..."

She nodded and I escaped. I went into the small bathroom, leaned against the wall and took a deep breath.

When I came back out, Jonas was gone. My Co-worker handed me a piece of paper wordlessly and went into the backroom. She gave me a curious look, like she thought I was insane. I'm sure she's wondering what all this note passing between me and a customer is all about.

It was written on the blank side of the take-out menu. That means he must have scribbled it while he ordered his bagel at the counter. I opened it.

It read:

"Thanks for the note. It would be cool to hang out some time.

****his phone number****

Hope to hear from you

-Jonas"

Now it's in my ballpark. I wont call him tonight though. I have to wait. I feel oddly giddy, but also depressed about what happened with Michael. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I feel like I fell off the wagon and I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak. I'm ashamed at myself for opening that door and letting Michael in again. I had been so strong.

I'm weak. weak. weak.

I keep reading over his short note, tracing the writing with my finger..

How am I supposed to interpret what he wrote anyway? Maybe he was just being polite. I'm falling into the same obsessive track that I had with Michael. Falling for some stranger I don't even know. I'll just end up making the same mistakes as last time. I don't want that. I don't need a guy. I bet he has a girlfriend. What is the matter with me anyway? I can't believe I'm making such a big deal about this. I'm an adult.

Regardless, I'm in a better mood than yesterday. I'm struggling to keep the right perspective. Somehow this response from Jonas gave me hope. The real question is whether I'll call him or not.

Am I really ready for another relationship...with anyone?

used

2006-06-20T06:15:00.000-04:00

This isn't easy to write about.

I had sex with Michael again.

I hate myself right now.

He found out where I lived and came by at 2 AM. I was drunk and sitting on the windowsill when the doorbell rang. When I opened it and saw him, I started to cry. It was partly tears of anger and partly tears of defeat. I can't pin point the source of my tears. I was just an emotional mess.

I let him kiss me, push me onto the floor, pull up my skirt and enter me without protest. I allowed myself to get caught up in the passion of the moment because I was lonely, because I was filled with desire, because I wanted to escape again.

When it was over, I saw that he was high... I realized what had happened. I told him that he needed to leave. He asked to stay, I begged him to go. He asked me to come home to our old apartment. I told him I would think about it.

But it was only to make him leave.

I have no intention of going back.

I feel so sick.

Jonas never called. Why would he call a slut anyway? I'm so disgusted with myself. I don't feel like writing anymore about this. I need to take a shower to wash the smell of loveless sex off my body. I have a bruise on my shoulder and hipbone. Every part of me aches. He was too rough. I hate him. I hate myself.

It's 6:00 A.M. and I still haven't slept. I've just been sitting in the middle of the livingroom crying. I can't sleep. I'm taking off from work today. I don't feel like leaving the house.

Rejection

2006-06-18T18:29:00.000-04:00

He didn't write back.

He didn't call.

He didn't show up at the Deli.

I asked my co-worker if she gave Jonas the note I wrote.

"Yes", she responded.

"Did you tell him who it was from?"

"Yes"

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. He just nodded and put it in his pocket"

"Then what?"

"He ordered a bagel. What I supposed to give him a message?.... I thought you just wanted me to hand him the note?.."

"no..no..that's fine. I just..that's fine"

It's been two days.

Two days of feeling a jolt of anticipation every time the phone rang and looking up from the counter with expectation every time the door opened with a jingle at the Deli.

I'm just an idiot. I'm going to get drunk tonight with Carl. I have the night off from work. Time to get dressed. I'm not going to think about this too much. It just makes me want to bang my head into a wall repeatedly.

Stupid girl

2006-06-16T20:34:00.000-04:00

I feel like a huge ass right now.

I wrote Jonas a note. I wrote a note to some customer I only met once and gave it to my co-worker this afternoon.

It was kind of awkward and I wasn't sure how to explain what I was handing to her. We're not that close, so I can't open up about the contents. I put it in a sealed envelope.

"Can you give this to Jonas if he comes into the Deli today?", I asked

She looked down at the note curiously. "What is this?"

"It's just a note"

"Do you know him personally?"

"Sort of. I just have a question for him"

She raised her eyebrows, looked at me closely. Then she had this little knowing smile that was more than a little embarrassing and put it into her apron. "Okay"

I walked out of the deli feeling so stupid and awkward. I rolled my eyes upwards and groaned.

Anyhow, this is what I wrote:

"Jonas,

Hi, This is Iris. We met a while back at this Deli. I work here in the mornings. You sang that goo goo dolls song to me and I sang that Weezer song.

This is going to seem really strange. So feel free to ignore this note entirely, but I just thought about you the other day and I was wondering if you'd like to get together for a cup of coffee someday.

Just an idea, if you're bored with nothing better to do. Feel free to give me a call. (insert phone number)

Take care

-Iris"

I know that if anyone is out there reading this diary, you're embarrassed for me. I know that was lame. I KNOW. I'm just not good with letters. I'm better face to face. I really regret writing it at all.

I hope I don't see him again. I have a feeling it will only be weird and forced. I shouldn't have written that. It's too late to take it back. Chances are, I'll never hear from him.

I'll forget I wrote it after a week and move on with my life.

But at least I made an effort and I wont always wonder..."What if"..

I feel like a 14 year old girl again that just wrote a note asking out some boy she had a crush on. This is so stupid. I can't believe I did that.

His name was Jonas....

2006-06-15T20:29:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling better today.

A number of months ago I met someone named Jonas at the deli I work at. The encounter left such an impression on me that I came home and wrote an entire diary entry about it. (HERE)

A lot of time has passed since that short meeting, but for some reason he keeps entering my thoughts. At the weirdest times I just think about him, wonder about him and make up stories in my mind about what it would be like to talk to him more. I don't know why I do this and I never told anyone about this. During my lowest moments, I take comfort in these thoughts.

I meet a lot of people through my job every day, but he was the only one I ever cared enough to write about. He just made me feel something inside. I felt like a door was opening, I felt alive, I felt happy. I can't fully explain it in words. It was such a simple encounter.

Today at work, I thought about him again.

And no..he didn't just magically show up at the Deli.

But I asked my co-worker about him during lunch break. The wife of the Deli Owner. She's in her forties, with graying hair pulled back into a ponytale and two gold dangling earings. She never wears any make up except for a smudge of lipstick. She's nice, but we're not very close. She's very religious and her life revolves around church gatherings.

"Oh..Jonas. Yes. He's been a customer for about 4 years. He comes in and orders a bagel nearly every afternoon. I believe he works around this area. It's usually after your work shift ends. It's rare to see him in the morning."

"What is he like?"

"He's a nice boy. Friendly, polite and makes pleasant conversations. Very nice. Why do you ask?"

"no...I was just curious. No reason."

For some reason, this information made me so happy. It gave me this weird inkling of hope that I could meet him again. I started contemplating possible ways of making this happen.

I started thinking about writing him a note and asking my co-worker to give it to him when she sees him again. I don't know what the note would say.. what would I write?

"Hi... we met once and I can't stop thinking about you. Here's my phone number..."

no.

I don't want to give him the wrong impression, I don't even KNOW him. It might come off all wrong and I'll scare him away. I don't even know what I want from him. Maybe just coffee...and a conversation... Someone to talk to... Someone that would listen. I don't know why I think he could give this to me. Chances are he has a girlfriend and will only be weirded out. Who writes notes anymore? It's not like this is elementary school? If you received a note from a strange Deli employee that you met ONCE a long time ago...how would you reacte??

He'll just stare at it strangely and toss it in the trash. I'm so afraid of rejection, but really..what difference does it make? What have I got to lose?

I'm just so lonely.

It's not like I'm all alone in the world or anything. I have Stacey and Carl. (who dropped by this afternoon and gave me some stuff for my flat) But they're both so absorbed with their relationships. Stacey hasn't had much time since she got married and Carl is obsessed with his new boyfriend. I just want a new friend. Someone to take my mind off Michael, because it's the empty pockets of time in the middle of the night that are the worst. I sit on the windowsill smoking a marlboro ultra light and trying to resist the urge to get drunk. Just so that I can pass out...

I'm going to write a note to him.

I'll start working on a draft later on tonight...anything to get my mind off my messed up past. It might be lame and lead to nothing... But who cares?

I didn't fill out any of the college application forms. They're still resting on the counter in the kitchen. I don't know if I ever will. It's probably not going to happen. How am I going to balance 2 jobs and college?

Right now I have to get dressed for my night shift at the bar. I'm so tired, I wish I could call off tonight.

Sick Day

2006-06-14T07:51:00.000-04:00

"Can you pull off your bra?"

"Can you touch your breast?.."

"Can you slip your hand into your panties?...yes like that"

"touch yourself slowly...mmmm...does that feel good?"

It haunts me in my dreams. I wont be able to live this down. Even if I go to college, even if I get a nice job, even when I get married and have kids. It's not going to go away. These nightmares are going to follow me and the memory of what I did to get into this apartment aren't going to just disappear. I can't just erase it.

Last night, I woke up in a sweat... and I leaned over the toilet bowl. Nothing came out. I just stared at my wavering reflection in the toilet water...my hair falling over my face...feelign sick. feeling scared.

I hate my life sometimes. I hate this so much.

I'm going to have a cup of coffee and head to work. I'm running late and I'm not even motivated to get dressed.

"Mommy dearest"

2006-06-13T00:16:00.000-04:00

I finally called my mother after weeks of not speaking. It was one of those forced phone calls. You know..... when you KNOW you have to make the call, but you don't want to? So you pick up the phone..then put it down..then reluctantly pick it up again and dial the numbers?

The first thing she said to me was:

"Well, I have some news for you. You screwed up big time when you left Luke last year. It was the biggest mistake of your life. I bumped into Luke's mother at the grocery store on Friday. Do you know what she said?"

*note* She didn't even ask me how I was doing. THAT was her greeting.

I was quiet for a moment, trying to swallow the hurt I began to feel. I instantly regreted calling her, she just puts me down. "No..what?", I asked

"He's getting married"

It's weird, I didn't feel anything. "Well... I'm happy for him"

"Happy for him?! He offered you everything! He was perfect! You destroyed the one good thing you had going for you. I was never more embarrassed and disappointed with you... I don't even want to remember the shame you put on our family's name"

The family name?? What are we back in the 1800's??

"Instead you shacked up with that street Urchin, Are you still living with that piece of scum?"

("Street Urchin?" - who uses lame terms like that?) "If you mean Michael.. No I am not", I responded

"Where are you living then? With your crack dealer?"

"Mom I never did crack", I said "And no... I'm living in an apartment close to the Deli"

"Some roach infested crap hole?"

"No it's actually really nice.. It's..."

"Are you calling me because you need money?", My Mother asked cutting me off

"No.. I'm just saying Hi.."

"you haven't called me in a month..a month. I don't know whether you're dead or alive. When people asked about you, I didn't even know WHAT to say. Do you have any intention of coming over for dinner or seeing your sister? Did you know that she's trying for a child right now? Any day now she is going to be pregnant and where will you be?? You wont even know. You're not a part of our life. You're not a part of the family's life. You don't care how I feel. You're whole purpose is to bring me down. That's all you ever do.....etc etc..."

This is why I don't call my mother.

My rich Republican conservative religious judgmental mother. This is why I'm living in an apartment alone struggling with two jobs.

To get away from her.

I can't believe Luke is getting married. When I hung up with her it really hit me. I looked around the apartment I'm living in and I imagined what my life would have been like if I married him last year. I wouldn't have these problems...

yes, I have regrets. But I wont look back or lose sleep over it. I just have to look forward. I made my choices and that's it. I'm really happy for him. He deserves better than me anyway.

I did go down to the community college this morning and picked up the application forms. There is so much to fill out. All the papers are piled up on the counter. I want to do this, but I don't know if I can. I wanted to bring it up with my Mom and ask for financial help.

But my pride wouldn't let me. I couldn't ask her. I have to figure this out on my own.

Turn Turn Turn

2006-06-12T01:50:00.000-04:00

I just got back from working at the bar, so I'm a little bit drunk.

But things are looking up for me, finally....

Stacey gave me her old futon and I hooked up the telephone line. I have some food in the fridge and my cabinets. I even have a potted plant on the window sill.

I feel better. I don't feel as empty and scared as I did before. New beginnings are scary as hell. Starting over is scary but I have a grasp on it now. I worked all weekend, but I have Monday off.

I'm thinking of applying to a community college and taking some classes.

Crazy, I know. Me...in college. I was talking to a girl that came in the Deli. She said it's not to late to apply for the fall semester and that I'd be eligible for financial aid...etc..etc.

I don't know how I would squeeze in school with two jobs. I need both jobs unless I find a roommate to split the cost of this flat.

All of this is all a pipe dream. It probably wont happen, but writing about it is the first step towards making it happen.

I haven't spoken to my Mom in over 3 weeks. She doesn't even know where I'm living. My life is still a mess and every day blends into the next. I managed to stop obsessing over Michael and this break up. I haven't contacted him, or returned his calls. This is a clean break and I want to keep it that way.

I'm too tired to type anymore. My eyelids feel so heavy and my head is pounding.

feeling lonely

2006-06-08T20:40:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I sat down and read my entire diary over again. Starting with the first entry. I've been documenting my every day life for about a year and a half now.

It was so depressing to read through. I have the most depressing and fucked up diary. I've been through countless jobs, I've always been struggling with money. I'm 22 now (another birthday passed on April 17th...I was too miserable to even celebrate) with no college education, prospects or future. Last June I had received a wedding proposal from Luke. He was offering me a future, he was offering me financial security.

Instead I broke his heart and ran off with Michael.

One of the reasons I turned off my comments section back then was because I was receiving so much judgment and it hurt. It's hard enough keeping an open diary and sometimes it's easier not knowing who reads this . I thought I knew what I was doing with my life... but apparently I didn't. I just didn't want to hear anyone tell me otherwise.

If my life were a movie, I would have lived happily ever after. I would have been congratulated for following my heart and not my head. I went after passion and threw caution in the wind. Michael was supposed to fall in love with me and marry me. I actually believed that was going to happen. I thought great sex meant something deeper than just great sex. I thought if I loved him, somewhere deep inside he must love me too.

Yet reading over my journal made me remember those intense moments with him..in the shower, in bed, on the livingfloor... I felt those familiar feelings rush over me, I remembered how I felt. How good I felt. I thought it meant something. I really did. I wanted to believe it did. I still want to believe it did.

I'm hurting right now, I'm not as strong as I sound. Michael called Stacey two times and asked her for the phone number of my new flat. She told him "no"

The truth is, I didn't even hook up my phone yet! I've been too busy. I'm still working at the deli during the day and bartending at night. Nothing has changed on the job front. I'm still tired as ever.

I have these moments when I miss Michael and I think of letting him come over. Just for a night, just for one last night. Then I remember the emptiness afterwards and I drop the idea quickly. I'm not going to cave in and be stupid again. I wont.

I don't know if I believe in love anymore. I don't know if I can trust another person with my heart.

I have to get dressed for my night shift. At least I'm getting free wireless internet, so the location is good. I just need to get some furniture for this apartment when I get a day off. My life is embarrassing right now. I hope I can look back at these diary entries and laugh in 5 years.

Right now I feel utterly lost and entirely alone. I'm also scared and I don't even know exactly what I'm afraid of.

My new place

2006-06-06T23:52:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting indian style on the hardwood floor next to an open window, I have my laptop propped up on a cardboard box right now, and I'm receiving wireless internet service from the next door neighbors.

I'm in my new apartment.

YES!! MY OWN APARTMENT!!

My refridgerator is empty and I have no furniture. It's a studio, so it's basically one big room with a kitchen attached. The bathroom is pretty microscopic. when I'm on the toilet, my knees are up against the door. The shower doesn't have a curtain yet. The walls need to be repainted.

But it's mine.

This is the greatest feeling in the world.

It wasn't easy to get to this point. Michael wouldn't accept that I was leaving. We started crying. He grabbed my arm and twisted it. He pushed me up against the wall. This passion and intensity used to turn me on. It would usually end up with him tearing off my clothes and us falling into bed together.

Not this time. I'm finished. I'm finished with him. I'm finished with his inability to commit to me and his drug use. I can't play this game anymore. I wont. I can't.

This is it, my new beginning. It starts here.

In this studio apartment, with no air conditioning and wearing only a tanktop and panties. I'm going to spread out a blanket and sleep on the floor.

It's going to be the greatest sleep I've had in a long long time. I'm free! I had to do some messed up things to get to this point, but now I'm cleaning the slate. This is my second chance. I'm not going to look back.

I'm so damn happy right now. I just needed to put it down in writing.

Today... 6.6.06. Is when I turned it all around. Figures...666. Creepy, but at least I wont forget the date.

more tomorrow, it's time to sleep...

Not this time

2006-06-01T16:40:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how you can lie to yourself. ..for such a long time

I can't handle this. I can't handle what happened on Tuesday. I thought I could just write about it here and go on my way.

I can't. I'm freaking out because I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person I've become.

I told Stacey about what happened and in the middle of the explanation, I just started sobbing. It was the look in her eyes. It was a mixture of pity and shock. It had been a month since we last saw eachother. A month after her wedding.

This was a wake up call. I'm not just going to talk about changing my life and than simply fall back into bed with Michael. Not this time.

This morning, he reached for me when I was coming out of bed. He pulled on the edge of my panties... forcing me to fall back onto the mattress. He slid his hand in my tanktop. I felt his clumsy hand reaching for my breasts. He thought he could just arouse me like he used to. Seduce me into staying with him.

I shoved him away.

This is really it.

SHAME

2006-05-31T07:36:00.000-04:00

I'm probably going to delete my last entry because I feel so much damn shame inside. Reading that over made my face feel hot, my cheeks burning and made this prickling feeling crawl down my spine. I want to pretend it wasn't me. That I didn't do it. I can try to look at my experience objectively... Nothing happened. I just took off my clothing in front a camera. I didn't have sex with anyone. It's a private website, only paid members can see it. I needed the money to get into that studio apartment. I had no other options. The ends justified the means.

But the more I think about what I did, the more I want to erase the memory. The more fear I have that someone I know is going to find. This fear that it's going to resurface. I don't want to be blackmailed by some pervert in 20 years. Last night I couldn't sleep. I imagined my mother discovering what I did.

She would disown me. I would sicken her... I sicken myself. I keep remembering that man masturbating into his pants..his heavy breathing and the lights. Every time I think about this, I have to clench something. the sofa cushion, the corner of my shirt, a piece of paper. Last night in bed, I was tossing and turning. Michael didn't respond to my movement. He just mumbled in his sleep. Half the time he's too stoned to notice me at all.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was going to love me and we were going to live happily ever after. God, I sound so fucking pitiful.

I'm turning this all around. I'm going to turn my whole life around. I'm not going to look back at the mistakes I made. I'm just going to look forward. I put down the rent money for the flat and secured my spot. The landlord said I have to wait until June 6th before I can move in.

I have nothing to my name but the laptop I got for Christmas, 3 boxes full of random shit and suitcase of clothing. I'm starting over. It's a new beginning. I'm going to update my diary more because my life spiralled into insanity and every day blended into eachother when I had stopped.

I'll start up again the night I move into my new place. I'm so scared right now of everything. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I so afraid of leaving Michael's? I'm afraid of letting go of the fantasy that I treasured, my dreams and everything that he represented to me. I have to admit that I was wrong and officially move on.

It's not easy to let go of a relationship with someone. Even when you know it's going nowhere and it only brings you misery.

Rock bottom

2006-05-30T23:43:00.000-04:00

Have you ever done something that you never imagined you were capable of doing? Something you never imagined you would end up doing?

I feel so dirty, I feel sick. I can't believe what I did. I need to get this out because it's eating me up inside. I haven't updated here in a while but this is my outlet. I need to write about this to stop myself from trembling uncontrollably. I need to type this in order to collect myself.. I feel like I'm losing my mind. If you read this. don't judge me. Please, I'm already judging myself.

I made a lot of money today, but I did something I never thought I could do.

I got desperate and called that man that runs that adult website, The Man that the photographer told me about months ago. I took out the business card this morning and made the call. I was so nervous, I was trembling and I thought I was going to throw up. I just didn't know what else to do. Things have been so bad lately. I left Michael for a while, but I ended up moving back in with him because I had nowhere else to go! I can't live with my mother, it's too hard for me.

I got his secretary, she said he was away from the office but he would call me back when he returned. She took down my contact information.

2 hours later I received a phonecall.

I explained who I was and how I heard about him. Apparently the photographer had talked with him already because he seemed to know who I was. He said he could see me today, and made an appointment for 5 p.m.

I don't want to get into all the conflicting emotions I was experiencing as I waited, I contemplated calling him back 5 times and cancelling. I picked up the phone and then put it back down. I took a few shots of Vodka to relax and tried to breath deeply to calm down. I knew it would be over in a few hours, then just a memory and I would have money. That's it, in and out.

Ugh, I feel sick even writing about this.

I took the subway to the address he provided me with.

I ended up in an apartment with 2 different guys and a series of cameras, 3 computers and a big living room.

"I'm nervous", I confessed "I've never done this before... I don't know what I'm doing. I feel a little sick, I don't know if I can do this"

One guy who was around 30 comforted me. "A lot of people feel that way, but it's very easy and really fine. Nothing will happen to you, no one will touch you. Do you want a drink?"

I nodded.

"I'm going to turn on the Camera now, just relax and be yourself, okay?"

"Is there anything I need to say? do?"

"No we'll instruct you"

The Camera went on and I sat down on a chair. They started asking me questions. They started off innocent but got increasingly uncomfortable and a little bit kinky. I tried to relax and just laugh when he made a joke.

"So this is your first time doing this?", the man asked

I nodded.

"You're nervous?"

I nodded looking down.

"Can you take down your hair please"

I did.

"You're very beautiful, Iris"

"thank you". God. I felt sick. sick. sick. I was actually shaking.

"It's okay, no one is going to hurt you and you wont have to do anything you don't want to do"

"Okay"

I asked him to turn down the lighting a bit, because it was hurting my eyes. He redirected it to face the ceiling and reflect off. I drank some more.

"Can you unbutton your shirt a bit."

I started to do that.

"And open your legs a bit..pull up your skirt, so we can see your panties"

I did.

They asked me some more sexual questions. I saw the guy had a hard on and it was making me uncomfortable, the room felt too hot. I can't describe adequately what this was like.

They asked me to pull off my shirt entirely and I did. I was wearing a bra. Then I pulled down my shirt. I was sitting there in my bra and panties. At this point, I went somewhere else in my mind. I thought about Michael, I imagined him there with me. I imagined this was okay.

"Can you pull off your bra?"

"Can you touch your breast.."

"Can you slip your hand into your panties..yes like that"

"touch yourself slowly..does that feel good"

I just nodded, and chose to close my eyes.

I don't want to talk about the rest. It was over after an hour. No one touched me at any point. Although at one point, I saw the guy behind the camera masturbating into his pants while he watched me...His heavy breathing was hard to ignore.

He gave me the money and his business card again. He said he would like to see me again and thanked me. I didn't answer. I walked home, took a long hot shower and put it away.

It's like It didn't happen. It's over. I'm going to use the money I made to put down the deposit on a new studio apartment I found last week. I can afford the first and last months rent. I might not update for a few days, I need to work through a few of my feelings about this by myself.

I just hope this doesn't come back to haunt me later on in life. I already feel like it may have been the biggest mistake I ever made in my entire existance.. Everytime I think about this, I clench my hands and I feel like I can't breath. I want to start screaming.

But it's over. It's already in the past. I'm going to have a drink and forget this. I feel more calm now that I've typed this out, it's off my chest and it's out in the open. No one probably reads this anymore and that's fine. I just didn't realize how much I needed this place as an outlet until I went so long without writing in this diary.

This could be quite possibly the lowest point in my existance but it can only go up from here.

The end of the road.

2006-03-21T22:14:00.000-05:00

It's been months since I've updated.

The reasons for this are embarrassing and difficult to open up about. I messed up so many things in my life. I can pretend that it all didn't happen, but the minute I write about it. It becomes real. I have to face it.

The past month and a half has been spent in a daze. A series of moments leaning over a mirror with Michael. Cutting white powder with a razor blade, and feeling like my heart was racing out of chest. Moments of dancing around the livingroom, leaning over the window sill thinking I could fly and a blur of laughter.

Sweating, Crying, hating myself, screaming and wondering who the hell I was when I wasn't high.

I don't know how I allowed myself to sink so damn low.

But I can tell you right now that it's come to an end. This entry is marking the end of this period for me. It all started so innocently, and spiralled into an addiction.

I broke up with Michael tonight. I'm moving out. It's over. It's all over. Everything.

I'm moving back home with my mother until I can sort this all out. I'm crying right now while I type this. I have to get it together...

I'll explain more in a future entry, but I doubt there is anyone left reading this. It doesn't matter. I'm writing for myself.

Struggling

2006-01-23T08:29:00.000-05:00

These past few weeks have been stressful. I've been working long hours and spending a lot of time with Carl and Stacey. I'm helping Stacey plan for her wedding and getting drunk with Carl.

I'm avoiding the flat because I can't deal with the fact that I'm not happy in my current relationship. I can't face the fact that I need to end it. I can't do it, it's too hard. I don't know what I want or how I feel.

When I step away from Michael and I look at our relationship. I see that it's not heading anywhere. I see that I need to move on. I see that he isn't capable of giving me the commitment I yearn for or love me the way I want. He's only going to hurt me. I know this.

It's just so hard to verbalize it.

Last night I tried to tell Michael how I was feeling. We were watching television together in the livingroom, and I said "We need to talk"

"About what?", He asked. He was still looking at the screen.

"About our relationship"

That made him turn off the television and finally look at me. "What about it?"

"I don't know how you feel about me, I don't know how to define what we have. I don't know what we're doing or where we're heading. I feel lost here. My whole life is a mess and I need.."

While I was saying this. He started running his hands over my ankles and calves. I had my feet draped over his lap. Just the feeling of his hands on me already caused me to tremble and I lose track of my words. He moved his hands up my legs, under my skirt and inner thighs. He just stroked the edge of my panties and I was already wet. I can't control how my body responds to him. It's like this heat rises up my entire body and my ears are ringing. I just give in to him and desire him.

I hate how he plays with me sometimes..just slipping a finger inside..then pulling away.. He looks at me so innocently, but he sees the need in my eyes. I see the bulge in his pants. We toy with eachother and feed off this yearning.

"Go on", He urged "I'm listening"

But by then I just wanted to feel his lips on mine, I wanted to feel him pushing inside of me. We were kissing and had sex on the sofa.

Afterwards, I felt empty.

How do I end this relationship? How do I fix up my life? How do I get out of this rut..this cycle... I love this and I hate this. I'm going nowhere.

Skeleton key

2006-01-10T16:27:00.000-05:00

I'm watching "The Skeleton Key", some crappy film with Kate Hudson. I took the day off from work because I have a stomach virus.

While I was watching a scene with Kate Hudson and this realization hit me. Note: This has nothing to do with the movie or with Kate Hudson.

I want to break up with Michael.

This is the first time I've seriously thought of about this.

I felt like I needed him for so long. But I don't. I don't need him and I'm not even sure if he loves me. I'm not even sure if he ever loved me.

I'm staying in this relationship because of the sex.

That was what pulled us together in the first place, the sexual desire, the anticipation, the need, the passion.

But suddenly I'm sitting here on a sofa that belongs to him, in his apartment... alone, watching this movie that is supposed to be scary but isn't... and I'm wondering, .what the hell am I doing with my life?

My life is what's scary. I need to make a change.

It's not like typing this out is going to make it suddenly happen or anything. But at least I know it has to start at some fucking point.

A discovery

2006-01-07T00:57:00.000-05:00

It's weird how you think you know someone and then you see them doing something that you never imagined. It just throws you off guard and you realize you didn't know that person at ALL.

Tonight, I came home early from work and I saw Michael leaning over the coffee table. His hair was spilling over his face, so I could see what he was doing. The music was blasting and he didn't even hear me come in.

"Hey.." I said entering the livingroom "HEY!"

He looked up in surprise. There was a mirror on the coffee table..and he was holding up a rolled up dollar bill.

I just thought "No..come on, you've got to be shitting me."

It just felt like those bad "Don't Do Drugs" commercials I remembered from my youth in the late 80's. It could have been in slow motion, with dramatic music. I was kind of shocked for a moment.

I didn't know that he did coke.

"What are you doing?", I asked

He just shrugged. He looked uneasy though.

"How long have you been snorting that stuff?", I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral.

"On and off, It's not a big deal", He patted the spot next to him on the sofa "Join me"

I hesitated. I was tired and I didn't feel up to drug experimentation. Plus I'm not into hard core stuff like that, I just avoid it. Drinking is one thing.. but that is another. I saw a friend spiral into an uncontrollable addiction in highschool. She was put in Rehab and was then transferred to a Mental Institution. It's not something I've had the desire to dabble in.

"No thanks", I muttered "I'm tired"

I walked past him into the bedroom. Then I sat there on the edge of the bed digesting what I just saw. It's too weird. I don't like it.. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know. I just didn't know he was into that. I know it's not a big deal, I've never seen him doing that before so it's not like he has a problem. Otherwise I would have noticed, He's not a junkie.

I don't know. It just..

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about this. I don't even know why I'm writing about it.

A connection

2006-01-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, I just had the most surreal experience..It wasn't even surreal. It just feels surreal.

You know, when you just connect with someone on a deeper level? You can't describe it, but it just makes you feel alive. We're all strangers on this planet, going about our business and living in our own heads. Then someone comes and rips you out of this for a moment. You just look into their eyes and you connect. It's not sexual, but something else. It's just for a moment, you feel like someone GETS you..

I was working at the deli this morning, the early shift from only 7:30-10:30. I was slicing meat absently when he entered.

A guy that was around twenty-something, Hair that was bleached on the tips, or maybe just grown out dye-job. Maybe he was out in the sun in California. I couldn't tell. He had warm eyes, a nice tan and wearing a gray sweater. Not my usual type, He wasn't dark and handsome, But he wasn't clean-cut either. Kind of a grungy mixture that is hard to place, or maybe I don't need to place. I don't know why we feel the need to put people into stereo-type cut-out description anyways.

He came up to the counter and asked for the standard bagel

"hold the creamcheese, just a bagel", He said

"Okay", I turned around to heat it up when he started singing.

"...And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
because I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

I turned around and just stared at him.

"Iris", He said "The goo goo dolls"

"How do you know my name?", I asked

He pointed to my name tag. I laughed and rolled my eyes. But something about having a song sung to me by a complete stranger threw me off guard and I couldn't focus. I was blushing, which is weird and kind of embarrassing to admit. The words also hit home for me...

"What's your name?", I asked

"Jonas"

I laughed and started singing my favorite weezer song from Middle school

"My name is Jonas!
I'm carrying the wheel.
Thanks for all you've shown us.
But this is how we feel.

and he joined in, We were singing this together and laughing at the same time...

Come sit next to me, pour yourself some tea.
Just like grandma made, when we couldn't find sleep.
Things were better then.
Once but never again..."

We stopped in the middle of the verse at the same time.

We looked at eachother and I looked down, because I felt like I had shared such a dorky moment with someone I didn't know and it felt odd. But good..really good. Like for a moment everything wasn't so gray and the sun was shining again. Like I woke up out of some weird depressive coma.

My boss came out of the backroom and I wrapped up the bagel for him. Then I rang it up. Another customer came in. Jonas said goodbye and walked out.

I bit my lip and smiled.

I'll probably never see him again, and I'm not going to get obsessed about this encounter.

1. I have a boyfriend
2. I love him.

But it just felt good and I wanted to write about it. I don't know..it just felt like a great way to start off the year. Yes, Random and not that earth shattering.

Michael and I went to a big party on New years, we got very very drunk and I passed out at 7 a.m. on the sofa. naked.

I woke up and saw Michael on the floor.

I have to confess something, but I don't feel the same stirring inside of me at the sight of his naked body. Not like I used to. I want to regain that passion again.

End of the year

2005-12-30T12:37:00.000-05:00

I have a laptop now. It was a christmas gift from my mother.

Now I can write here more often and undisturbed any time I want, Which is kind of nice. Today I sat down and went through a lot of blogs that I had fallen behind in. I caught up. I noticed that a lot of people are looking back at the year 2005 and making resolutions for the New Years.

Looking back at this year in my life. I realize that so much has changed. I turned 21, I met Michael, I met Luke. I got engaged, I broke off the engagement. I moved out of my flat, I was broke. I was down and out and lost. I moved in with Stacey, then I moved in with Michael. The biggest event was getting together with him. I also had a complete breakdown and had to build myself up again. I went through a number of jobs, the only one that didn't change was my bartending job. I've worked in the photo department of Walmart, T.G.I. Fridays, A deli and Starbucks.

What a job resume to brag about, let me tell you.

I also lost my cat. This is something I didn't write about because I was so upset about it. I left the window open and he climbed down the fire escape or something. I put out flyers, but he's gone. This happened last month.

Not that I blame my cat for wanting to leave. What kind of life did I offer him? He wasn't the same after my last move. He just hid under the sofa and hissed at everyone. He was a stray cat in the beginning when I first found him, it was his nature to be free. But it hurt so bad and I felt distraught when it happened.

Other people are graduating college, getting married, having successful jobs and traveling around the world. They're having children and sharing photos of their beautiful lives. They have friends, tons of friends. What do I have? This entire year I stayed in the same place. Just moving from one crappy situation to the next. I have no accomplishments to speak of.

I noticed that many people were doing this in their blogs, I'm seeing it everywhere. I thought I would try it too. You just copy the first sentence from the first diary post of every month. This is what I came up with.

February: So what's the verdict? Is there such thing as true love that lasts forever?

March: I met him at work, He was the guy with dark piercing eyes and hair hanging over his face that was at the end of the bar nursing a vodka tonic.

April: Michael was there at work today.He was actually there.

May: I haven't updated in a while.

June: The days have been empty and passing slowly

July: Last night at work, I saw him.

August: Okay, there has been a major development in my life that occured in the past 17 hours.

September: I'm nervous about living with Michael.

October: I'm really nervous right now.

November: Michael didn't come home last night.

December: I removed the previous post from public view because it was a little too personal and painful to keep out there.

I noticed that most of my entries deal with my confusion, feeling nervous about something, a relationship struggle or with Michael. In fact, this entire year was just about Michael. That is pathetic. I need to change that. I can't depend on a man to make me happy. I have to find that happiness within myself.

So that's my New Years resolution.

Find out who I am. ME.

And drink less.

There's more to say, but I have to sign off and get ready for work.

Not feeling the Christmas spirit

2005-12-23T13:43:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated in a while because I couldn't.

My computer broke down and Michael had moved his home computer into the bedroom. So escaping to the office room in the middle of the night to type an entry is now impossible. I would have to type it while he laid in bed across the room with a full view of the screen.

Right now it's really important to me that he doesn't discover this diary. I would have to shut down and I need this outlet. I need to type out my feelings, it calms me and I'm able to go back and look at the stuff I'm dealing with more objectively later on. It doesn't all just pile up in my head and cause complete angst.

I have a new job at a Deli, It's family-owned with 3 other employees. The father, Mother and daughter (who is 2 years younger than me and Mormon). I can't relate to anyone there or show my true self. I have to smile and dress very conservative. I have to be pleasant with all the customers to an insane degree so that they return because we have a larger chain across the street that we're competing with.

I hate it. But I need this job right now. After having doors slammed in my face, I'll take what I can get. I also still have my night time bartending job, so I'm tired all the time.

Michael has been moody lately and distant. For the past few nights he's been coming home later than usual and going straight to bed. I don't know if it's the stress of the company failing or if he's having an affair. All I know is that it's leaving me feeling very lost and very alone.

My Mother wants me to come home for Christmas, But I don't want to see her right now. Luke brought over a gift that's been lying on my coffee table for two days because I'm afraid to open it. I'm afraid it will bring up all these feelings of guilt inside and I can't handle that right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend the holidays with Michael's parents.

I'm dreading Christmas. Right now I'm just downing a bottle of spiked egg nog and trying to make everything a pleasant blur so I can handle it all.

My sister said my mother bought me a laptop for Christmas, while this excites me on one hand, It also makes me feel like I'm going to owe her something in return.

She's not the kind of mother that gives gifts purely out of the goodness of her heart. There are always strings attached.

At least I haven't pulled out the business card for the porn site. So I'm still doing pretty good.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Would you even consider this?

2005-12-13T04:11:00.000-05:00

At 11 A.M., I pushed the buzzer on the apartment that matched the address the photographer had given me. I decided to go for a more classy look. I pulled my hair up in a loose bun, wore a bit of make up and a turtle-kneck sweater. I was pretty damn nervous though, and my hand was shaking.

He buzzed me in and I went up the stairs.

I was hoping to see a studio of some sort or a professional atmosphere. Instead I was confronted with an average apartment. There were model shots all over the walls and in the livingroom a backdrop with 3 separate cameras set up. It was fairly small and not so impressive. I began to feel uneasy. I wondered if maybe Michael was right. Maybe this guy WAS a sleazeball.

The photographer was really friendly, He offered me something to drink. "Water, juice, Beer, White wine?"

I took the white wine.

We sat in the livingroom just talking, I explained very openly my life situation and my financial standings. He listened closely and nodded sympathetically. It was good to get some of it out and he was really receptive.

"Okay, Here's how we'll start", He said "I need you to go to the bathroom, take down your hair and remove your make-up. I need clear shots with natural lighting. We need to see what you really look like, the glamour shots come later. That's not what a potential client wants to see"

So I went into his small bathroom, and washed my face. I stared at my reflection uneasily, and took down my hair.

"I can tell you right now, that the color of your hair might be an issue. It's very bright red, and I think something more natural might be appropriate or perhaps a blond.", He said "That's my two cents, you can take it or leave it. You have a nice facial structure, beautiful eyes and lips, a nice nose. Your cheek bones are very good too. You have a fresh youthful alluring face that is appealing. It really stands out. You wear too much mascara and eyeliner though."

I have to confess that some of what he was saying made me feel a bit defensive and uneasy.

"you're a good height, plus weight for this field though. Also very nice long legs"

"Thanks"

It's weird being judged on your appearance, like it's a product to sell. It's not what you can do or what you think. Its how you look apparently.

He took a few shots, Some with a serious expression, from the front and side and also a smiling shot.

"Okay, I'm going to develop these and show these shots to some people. If we go on to do professional glamour shots, it WILL cost money. The money can be removed from your paycheck IF you get a job. But I can not promise you anything. You know this is, though. There are hundreds of people out there that want to break into modeling."

"I know, I just need money, I don't care what I do" I felt myself panicking.

He was quiet.

Now here's the part I'm not sure whether I should write about here, but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't care anymore. If you're going to judge me or get shocked. Just stop reading, please.

"I have an option for you, but I don't know if you would ever be willing to consider it or if bringing this up with offend you."

"just say it"

"Okay, I know someone that runs a pornographic website."

Oh god. I looked away uncomfortably.

"just hear me out", he continued. "He hires girls between 18-26. It's a private paying site so your pictures will not be availabe to anyone but members. I can show it to you first"

He logged on to the internet, while I stood there with my arms crossed. I wanted to escape.

"As you can see the girls are beautiful and it's tasteful. You would not have to engage in any form of sexual intercourse. he would ask you to remove your clothing and maybe touch yourself in some way. But no one would actually physically touch you in anyway. You would be completely safe. It's a professional film maker and this is a reputable business. This is not shady.", He said, He showed a brief clip of a girl in a room talking to the director and removing her clothing.

"I don't think so", I said shortly.

Then he told me how much I would make for one sitting. My jaw dropped. That was a lot more than I thought.

"Their very picky and particular about the kind of girl they are looking for, but you would be chosen, I can guarantee it. They don't pick heroin addicts off the street or anything. They're looking for beauty, class and vulnerability."

I sighed.

"Listen, just take this card and sleep on it. If you want to do it, you know who to call.", He said "It's an easy way to make money in only a few hours. I'm just giving you an option, you said you needed money and I'm only trying to help. I sincerely hope this did not offend you."

I told him it was okay, but I needed to go. I put the card in my pocket and left.

Now here's the thing. I didnt tell Michael about this encounter. But the sick part is that I'm actually considering this. Only a small small part of me is. I need the money, I could say it came from my mother. it would solve a great deal of our financial woes and I'm struggling with only the salary from my bartending job.

Believe me, this is not the ideal situation. But unless you live a day in my shoes. You have no right to judge me for considering it.

I dont' know, I just needed to type this out. This is crazy and makes me feel a bit sick. On the other hand, What if I just did it? It's only my body. If simply taking off my clothing can give me THAT much money...

I don't know.

I just don't have many options right now. I've been to 7 job interviews in the past 2 weeks. If we don't get money soon, we wont be able to pay our rent this month.

Anyway, I'm going to do some more job hunting tomorrow, I'm going to put the business card in my dresser for now. I need to go back to bed.

an appointment

2005-12-12T08:35:00.000-05:00

I love when Michael cups my breasts in his hand and pushes inside of me from behind. He's so gentle and it's so intense. I just get lost in the feeling and everything bad fades away. It's just us, in that moment.

The taste of his skin, the feel of his lips, his hands..

I think our bodies were made for eachother..

When I think back to last night I feel myself tremble and I want more. I probably shouldn't write about this, it's not helping.

Besides, I have other things I have to think about..

On Friday, I called the man from the business card, I don't want to write his name. So I'll just call him "Mr. Photographer.",

He wants to meet with me today, at 11 A.M., He gave me the address over the phone. I explained to him that I wasn't actually a model and that I really don't have any experience, but that I'm interested. Also that I need money. He was really friendly.

I'm not sure what to wear. Should I try to look modern and Classy? Like a black turtle neck and my hair pulled up? Or should I try to look trendy? A skirt with knee-high boots with my hair down? What about make-up? Do I go for the natural look, or should I accentuate certain features? I'm clueless.

I'm also nervous because I didn't tell Michael about this. I knew he would disapprove and try to talk me out of the meeting.

But I'll feel it out myself and if it goes well..THEN I'll tell him. Otherwise he'll just worry and get bent out of shape.

I'm sure it'll be fine. I know it's not going to be like a bad television drama where the girl finds out that the photographer is a sleazy bastard wants her to remove all of her clothing and have sex with her.

still alive

2005-12-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'm still alive.

I realize it's been a while since I've written, It's just hard to collect my thoughts and put it into the written form lately. I've just been trying to pull the pieces of my life together and get everything to start feeling normal again.

Michael and I are back together. I came to the flat just before he left for work. When he saw me at the front door, He lifted me up and hugged me. Then he started crying and kissing me.

He kept whispering "Don't ever fucking do that again...Don't ever fucking do that again"

I promised him I wouldn't. He pulled me into the bedroom and started tearing off my clothing. I felt like he wasn't even making love to me, but trying to devour me. To feel every inch of me as close as possible, perhaps to reassure himself that I was there. I can't describe it.

But our relationship has been really intense..since all that stuff happened. The stuff I'm not going to write about ever again. I just want to pretend it didn't happen. There's this stigma attached to it, and it doesn't fit who I am. I don't want to die, I want to live. I want my life to get better. I'm not out to end it all. Trust me.

For a while Stacey and Carl were treating me strangely, as though I was made of glass. Like, if they made one wrong move, I would turn around and slit my wrists. I told them to cut it out.

I haven't seen Luke yet.

I found out why Michael has been so caught up in finances lately and asking me for rent money. The company that he runs with his father is going bankrupt, He might need to move to a cheaper flat. Which is why he needed my financial help, and he was too proud to explain why.

I've been looking for a new job and I've run into nothing but dead ends. I need money.

Today I'm going to call that man that gave me a business card a few weeks ago when I was working at TGI Fridays. I know Michael was wary of that and said that this person might be potentially shady. But truly, what is the worst that can happen?

He asks me to take nude photos and I say "No" and leave. Maybe he has a potential job for me, maybe he can help me out. Maybe he can get my foot in the door. I can't just be a bartender for the rest of my life. I'm NOT going to beg my mother for cash, and I don't want us to have to move into a cheaper flat.

I'll try to write in my diary on a daily basis again, It really is an outlet for me. I miss it.

A new beginning

2005-12-01T05:16:00.000-05:00

I removed the previous post from public view because it was a little too personal and painful to keep out there. I didn't feel comfortable at the thought of anyone from my life finding it.

The truth is, I don't want to look back on last week's events. I just want to look forward now.

I have my bags packed, I'm leaving my Mom's house and returning to Michael.

We're going to work it all out, we just need to have a long talk. I haven't seen him since I went into the hospital last week.

I lost my job at TGI Fridays, but that's not a great loss. (or surprise). My boss wasn't very understanding and hired a new employee to replace me during my absense. I still have my bartending job. I'm going to start going through the classified section for a new part time job this week.

I'm trying to keep the right perspective. It's going to get better. I just know it. It's really early morning, surprisingly I had a full night's sleep.

I'm ready to face the day. It's time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. It's not getting me anywhere.

Visiting the ex

2005-11-19T05:10:00.000-05:00

I'm typing this entry on Carl's home computer, It's 5 A.M. and I still haven't slept. I'm exhausted, so this might make little sense. I just need to get this out because today was a horrible day and I feel like complete shit.

I screwed up everything.

I don't even know where to start. I just need to get this off my chest, because I can't remember the last time I felt THIS low.

Tonight I was supposed to go out for dinner with Michael.

I was all dressed up and sitting on the livingroom sofa flipping through channels on the television set. I was waiting patiently for him to return home. He was supposed to arrive at 7:30, but at 8:45 he still wasn't there. I kept glancing at my watch and feeling anxious.

My anxiety switched over to anger, I started drinking. I pulled out the bottle of Absolut I have stashed in a bag behind the computer table. I know this makes me sound like an alcoholic. It's probably not healthy to hide alcohol around the house for emergency situations.

Maybe I do have a problem. But I don't want to talk about that right now.

At 9:30 I was standing in the middle of the livingroom drunk and started crying.

WHERE THE HELL WAS HE???

I tried to reach him on his cellphone but he had it shut off. Suddenly I felt foolish, lost and sad. I threw the phone across the room and wanted to start screaming on the top of my lungs. I grabbed my jacket and left the house. I didn't want to be standing there looking like a pathetic idiot when he returned. I wanted him to wonder and worry about him, the way he makes ME wonder and worry.

I walked to Luke's apartment.

I didn't intend to go there, but I ended up infront of his door. I don't know why, I don't know what I was searching for or what I was doing. I just needed to see someone that actually cared about me for a change. I know that visiting your ex-boyfriend when you're drunk and angry at your current boyfriend is a stupid idea. It might have been the dumbest thing I've done in a long long time.

Luke opened the door and when he saw me standing there, his jaw dropped.

I instantly fell in his arms and held him close. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I can't remember everything I said. It was something along the lines of "I'm sorry..I'm so sorry..I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did..I'm sorry for leaving you.. I'm sorry for everything..I'm so so so sorry...."

I was so smashed and I wasn't thinking clearly. I was just filled with so much pain and regret.

He took me into the livingroom and held me in his arms while I cried on the sofa. He stroked my hair and kept whispering that it was "going to be okay". It felt so good just lying there with my head on his lap while he touched my face lovingly and with compassion. I felt like I had come home, I just needed to feel needed. I needed to feel less alone.

We talked a lot..I can't remember everything that was said.

Then at 11, I asked "Can I stay here tonight?", We stared at eachother, I don't know why I asked that or what I wanted from him. I didn't intend on sleeping him. I just wanted to lay in his arms and feel comfort. I also wanted to hurt Michael and make him worry about my whereabouts. I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I'm being honest, okay? I'm not playing games and I'm writing the truth. Don't crucify me for that. I'm only human, I make mistakes.

This was one of them.

Luke was quiet, then he said "My girlfriend might be dropping by at midnight, but you can sleep here on the sofa", he said quietly "I'll get you some blankets, okay?"

HIS GIRLFRIEND??

I sat up straight and looked at him in horror. Suddenly feeling like a huge idiot. "you have a girlfriend?", I asked

"Yes.. did you think I was just sitting around here waiting for you to come back to me? Of course I moved on, Iris."

"Why didn't you tell me about your girlfriend when I first came in??"

"Why would I do that? You were upset.. I wanted to comfort you!"

I got up off the sofa shakily. "I'm sorry", I started crying "I feel so stupid.. I need to go.."

He begged me not to go and to stay there and talk. But I left his apartment. Then I was back on the street, feeling guilty, stupid, foolish and confused. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I didn't want to return to Michael's apartment. I didn't want to go see my Mom. I knew that Stacey was out with her fiance. So I went to Carl's apartment.

Carl wasn't there, so I sat on the steps of his building in the cold waiting for an hour for him to return. He had gone out dancing and was surprised to see me sitting on his front steps when he returned.

He let me in and I just poured everything out to him. We sat at his kitchen table for hours drinking beers and talking about everything. I'm so grateful for his friendship. He just went to sleep an hour ago and told me I could use his computer to surf the internet until I could fall asleep. He set up the guest bed.

So now here I am.

That was my fucked up night from hell. I don't know what I'm doing. I know I should call Michael and let him know where I am, but I don't want to. I'm going to go to sleep now and see how I feel in the morning.

I already feel better just because I wrote this down. I'll handle the consequences of my actions tomorrow. Right now, I just need to escape into my sleep and make this all just go away.

Closing the door

2005-11-12T20:32:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much of an urge to update lately. I've been feeling depressed and lethargic. The days are kind of blending into eachother. It's all just a gray trail of meaningless events.

Today at T.G.I. fridays, A man I was serving suddenly reached out and grabbed my arm.

"You're a model right?", He asked "Or part time actress..waitressing on the side for extra money?"

I stared at him. I was tempted to be honest and admit that I'm not. Admit that this is all I've got, I'm not doing anything with my life..on the side.

But instead I froze and than nodded. It made me sound like I had something going on. What an appealing thought. The struggling actress forced to be a waitress while she pursues her dream. There was a time when I believed I could be on stage, there was a time that I believed I could be famous. I wanted to study dramatic arts in a nice college and someday perform on stage. Those childhood dreams are over.

The man handed me his card. "I have a modeling agency, we could use your face", He said "feel free to call me"

I took the card in my hand, turned it over a few times and then shoved it in my apron. I nodded politely and went to fill his order.

But later I pulled it out and ran my finger over the laminated words. Should I call him? Could this be the break that famous actresses talk about?

I showed it to Michael, He just laughed and tossed it on the coffee table.

"It's a scam, they do this all the time", He said "Next thing you know he'll be asking you to take off your clothing in a photo shoot for chunk change. Don't fall for it, Iris. I know how people like this work. They take a pretty girl and promise her the world. It's bullshit"

I taped the business card it into my scrapbook and closed it.

I wasn't just closing the scrapbook, I've officially closed the door on all my dreams.

It's Saturday night, Michael left to go pick up some friends. I need to get dressed. I don't feel like going out, but I don't feel like staying home and staring at this flickering computer screen either.

Getting old

2005-11-08T22:11:00.000-05:00

Last night after Michael and I had sex I felt strangely depressed. I listened to the sound of his breathing while he slept and felt the weight of his arm draped over my shoulder. I stared at the reflections that were being cast around the dark room from the light coming in from the bedroom window. I heard the creaking of the radiator, and some laughter from a party going on in the apartment downstairs.

I felt like I couldn't breath all of a sudden and I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. It was like a panic attack hit. I felt like the bed was engulfing me and the room was closing in.

I got out of bed and walked across the hardwood floor with my barefeet to the bathroom.

I turned on the lights and stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror.

I just gazed at my naked body..

I stared at my eyes..with the mascara smudged slightly underneath my eyelid..I searched for the first sign of wrinkles. My cheeks were flushed and my lips looked redder than usual. I had 2 new hickies on my neck..and a scratch above my bellybutton. I looked at my breasts..

I wondered when they would start to sag..when my arms would start to jiggle. I turned around and looked critically at my rear..

I realized that my body was okay. That this was it. As good as it's going to get. From this point on, it was only going to go downhill.

But none of this matters.

My body isn't going to get me a good job, or a college education. It's not going to change anything. Some people put so much emphasis on body image, and weight. I wish that was all I had to worry about.

I worry that I'm going to end up nowhere and a nobody. This girl that was "pretty" once, but did absolutely shit with her life.

This realization scares me. I'm alone. I'm completely alone. No one is going to help me, I just have to help myself. I don't even know where to start. It's so much easier to just drown these thoughts away with alcohol. After a few shots, these feelings become fuzzy.

Which is what I did. I pulled the tequila out of the kitchen cabinet and sat naked on the counter. I just drank it out of the bottle. Once I felt good ..I woke up Michael, and we had sex again. He was rough and it was passionate. The sheets ended up on the floor..It felt so good I cried.

Or maybe it was because It felt so bad.

I don't know anymore.

Jealousy

2005-11-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt happy for a friend and jealous..at the same time?

On Saturday I went to help Stacey pick out the fabric for her wedding gown. She's going to make it herself from scratch. She was so excited and so alive. Her face was flushed and she spoke about how deeply she was in love. She has found the one she wants to be with and she knows it in her heart. She's in her 30's, but she looked about 21 years old while she spoke. It was like this new youthfulness from being so damn happy.

I can't believe she's engaged.. I met her boyfriend and although we didn't exactly hit it off. He seems like a good guy in general.

"Do you think Michael will ever ask me to marry him?", I asked while we strolled past rolls and rolls of fabric. (I haven't got a clue when it comes to sewing, fabric..or anything. I wasn't much help)

Stacey didn't answer.

"I mean, we're living together now..", I continued. "I know I love him..and.."

Then she said something that was really hurtful.

"He's not going to marry you, Iris. It's about sex and lust. You have chemistry and that's great. But you knew what you were getting into. You made the decision to leave Luke, who was ready to commit the rest of his life to you and be with Michael who obviously isn't. Probably never will"

ouch.

"You should have stayed with Luke. I told you from the beginning that a man like him comes once in a lifetime. They are few and far between."

"But you TOLD me to pursue my desires for Michael!"

"Yeah..to get it out of your SYSTEM without it affecting your relationship and engagement with luke"

"But that's fucked up! How could I have done that??"

"I'm sorry, lets change the subject"

Afterwards, I told her I was tired and I left to go home. I wasn't tired, I was just pissed off. I kept thinking of what she said.. and it just kept going over and over in my head. The more I thought about it..the more it bothered me. What I've always loved about Stacey is how frank she is and honest about what she thinks. But that honesty can hurt.

Yesterday afternoon after work, I came home to Michael lounging on the sofa reading a magazine. I stood in front of him and unbuttoned my shirt. He watched me as I pulled it off and unlatched my bra. Then I pulled down my skirt, standing there only in my panties. I looked at his dilated pupils, the way his breathing changed and the bulge in his pants.

We had sex on the livingroom floor.

Afterwards, I whispered "I love you" looking directly in his eyes. He just kissed me and then hugged me tightly. We just lay there in silence, my head on his chest..

He didn't say it back.

Why didn't he say it back??

Am I becoming neurotic in putting so much weight in those three words? He said it once..why wont he say it again? What if he doesn't love me? What if Stacey is right? This is all about sex and that's it. It's just lust..not love. What if I was a fool for leaving an engagement with a future..for a dead end relationship?? What if I'm just a stupid stupid dumb slut that was motivated by the urging inbetween my legs instead of logic??

I hate the way I sound right now.

I'm just terrified that I made a big mistake.

I don't even have the urge to write about my recent negative experience at T.G.I. Fridays.. I'm just too tired right now. I feel like I never have anything positive to write about, I don't even know why I update. Do I really want to remember feeling this way?

Feeling confused

2005-11-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

It's so hard to know how to behave in certain situations. I wish I had a handbook on this.

"Chapter 24 - What to do when your boyfriend doesn't come home"

When Michael returned home from work last night. I was really quiet. I was making pasta and I didn't even greet him. He went into the shower and then came out.

He gave me a kiss on the cheek and made a joke about "the good wife cooking dinner for the husband"

I didn't laugh.

He asked me what was wrong.

"Where were you last night?"

He was quiet and just stared at me for a moment. Then he said "I was with Keith. We got drunk and I crashed at his house"

"Oh"

"Is that a problem?", He asked.

"No."

I was quiet.

"It's just..you could have called me" I said finally.

"I passed out"

"Okay..."

"What are you ...my mother now?"

"No..I was worried"

"I'll call next time, Okay?"

"okay"

We were both quiet. "This is weird"

"What?"

"This"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know..forget it"

Then he left the room. I realized I had overcooked the pasta. I had to dump it out and start over again. My hands were shaking and I felt like crying.

I don't know why. Why does everything feel so wrong all of a sudden. When did things go sour? This is probably all in my head. I'm overreacting as usual.

Well, on further news.. Stacey just announced her engagement. I'm so excited for her. Michael left to run some errands. I have to get dressed..Yeah, I'm still lazying around the house in my panties and a tank-top because I don't have work today. Then I'm going to go visit her to celebrate the news.

Where was he?

2005-11-04T11:06:00.000-05:00

Michael didn't come home last night.

I came home from work at 1:30 A.M. and the house was empty. I sat by the window drinking shots of Absolut vodka and smoked nearly an entire pack of Marlboro lights. At 5:30 A.M., I fell asleep on top of the blankets with my work uniform still on.

I woke up to the sound of Michael bustling into the room at 8 A.M., he grabbed a jacket out of the closet and exited the room wordlessly.

Then I heard the front door close.

That was all I've seen of him all day. Now I have to head to work.

I want to know where he was all night, but I don't want to sound like a nagging wife. He is free to do as he pleases. It just hurts..

I would tell HIM if I wasn't planning on coming home.

God, Listen to how I sound?

I don't know how to feel or how to behave. I'm his roommate..not his wife. This is complex. I hate this feeling in my stomach, this feeling like it's all out of control and slipping away. I feel like I have to hold on to a relationship that's crumbling. I know it's all in my mind.. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation. Maybe he just crashed at his bestfriend's house.

Halloween was fun though..I was going to write about it. But right now all I can think about is Michael and speculate on where the hell he WAS last night...

Hating my mother

2005-10-31T14:31:00.000-05:00

I've always hated introducing my boyfriend's to my mother.

She's this weird mixture between conservative and really crass. She sits up straight, and looks down at people with her nose up. She acts all pious, judgmental, Religious and incredibly Republican. Then after a few drinks, she starts making really lame suggestive jokes to my boyfriends. They're not even funny, and my boyfriend's would pretend to laugh. I know they really wanted to gag at this middle-aged woman sporting a Hilary Clinton hair-do putting her hands on their knees. Leaning in too close and almost spilling her martini glass all over the table.

My Mother embarrasses me on so many levels. My entire goal in life is to be the complete opposite of her in every way. That's all I know. I think back and I cringe at some of the things I've witnessed her do.

Michael met her this weekend, and the worst part about the encounter was how she couldn't stop talking about LUKE.

"Luke said..."

"When Iris was engaged to Luke..."

"Luke was going to buy a house for the two of them.."

I stared at this woman that I call my mother and I realized that in all honesty I DO NOT LIKE HER. In fact, it's possible that I hate her.

Is it horrible to hate your mother? I know she gave birth to me, but I can't help but feel this way. Sometimes I have an urge to hit, kick her shin hard, and pull her hair. I know I sound like a complete psychopath by admitting this. It's just this urge I have, It started recently. Maybe it was the realization of how quickly she turns her back on me when I don't do things her way. In my mind, that's not how a mother is SUPPOSED to behave. What happened to "unconditionally loving your children".?

Michael was really polite and nodded. He glanced at me a few times and I avoided his gaze. I just wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

When we left Michael made a comment "I didn't realize your family was so loaded - Maybe you should ask your mother for financial help. She would probably pay your rent if you asked her to."

"no, she wouldn't"

"But why don't you just ASK her?"

Why is money all of a sudden so important to him right now? He doesn't understand that the only way My Mother will give me money is if I do what she wants with it. period. I can't just say "Mommy, give me money". It doesn't work that way. As soon as she hands over the money, I have to play by her rules.

I hate writing about this, I hate thinking about this. I hate money. I hate how money has been making me feel lately, I have this knot in my stomach. This ongoing stress... I hate this so much.

At least it's Halloween. Michael will be home in 45 minutes and I have the night off from work. We're going to a Halloween party in a club that his bestfriend is DeeJaying. I have a very cool costume this year. Stacey sewed it for me out of strips of white cloth.

It's this. Milla J. from "The Fifth Element"

I have to make sure it's tight enough over my breasts, otherwise I'm going to be popping out on the dance floor. That is something I DON'T want.. Also I wish I had more fabric over the rear area..

But I know Michael is going to love it when he gets home and sees me in this. But it can't be removed without tearing it. So he's going to have to wait until we get home from the club to unwrap me. It took nearly an hour of me standing in the center of the room, while Stacey adjusted it and sewed together certain parts to make it fit.

Conquering fears

2005-10-29T14:05:00.000-04:00

It's funny.

I was so overwhelmed, confused, scared, uncertain about whether or not I should keep this diary open to the public or whether I should close down after temporarily opening my comments.

But once I stepped away for a few days, all those fears dissolved.

I realized how stupid it was to be intimidated by what other people think, or to be afraid of other people reading my inner thoughts.

So what?

I read an entry by my cousin and she had written how life is so short. She wrote about the billions of people on this planet and how she is just one person. One insignificant person. It all doesn't matter.

Some day I will die, just like all of you. So maybe I do have a lot of flaws, maybe I don't have my life together, maybe I make a lot of foolish decisions. Maybe people will read this and judge me. Maybe someone from my life will find this and think less of me.

But at least I was honest with myself. I said it how it was and I lived life the best way. I could write this in just a word doc and hide it away. But if ONE person out there reads this and feels less alone in the world with their struggles.. Than it's worth it. Besides. All I see is a text box in front me, and it's just me and my computer. This is my space, my outlet. My little place in this huge world to write my feelings. My small voice.

****

This past week has passed by in a complete blur, A mixture of early morning sex with Michael.. running from table to table at T.G.I. fridays..and then making drinks at night. I've been coming home late, and passing out from exhaustion.

I was so tired last night, I couldn't even respond to Michael's advances. I couldn't even move..I asked him to make love to me but gently, slowly and not expecting anything in return. He did..

I keep waiting for him to say those three words again, but he hasn't. It's stupid how I put so much weight on three words.

I'm seeing my mother tonight for the first time since...I was engaged with Luke. Which feels like a century ago. She wants to meet Michael now. She sounded accepting on the phone, and nicer than usual. I'm not sure whether I'm going to ask Michael to come along. Right now he's out having lunch with his bestfriend. I'll see what his mood is like when he returns.

On a negative note: Michael asked me if I could start paying for half of the rent. Before I was just contributing to groceries, and house purchases. I gave him money here and there to help out. I know I can't expect him to support me or anything.

I don't know why it hurt so much when he asked me. It was so random, out of the blue..and his flat is expensive. It's going to wipe me out financially to pay half of it. Even working two jobs. He has a well-paying job and I don't.

For some reason I feel like he's growing tired of me. I'm feeling scared. It's this uneasy fear that's starting to build up inside my chest. I just have to take a deep breath and push it away.

I love you

2005-10-23T17:04:00.000-04:00

This morning he said it.

I woke up this morning to the sensation of a hand running up my thigh. I shifted slightly..and felt Michael's body move against mine. I smiled.

"Good morning..", I mumbled

"Good morning"

He slid his hand into my panties..

I love the way he touches me..I love the feel of his legs entwined in mine..the warmth of his chest against my back..the feeling of his lips grazing against my shoulder and the sound of his breath quickening. I love how wet he makes me without even the slightest pressure from his finger.. I love the taste of his skin..

It's those early morning moments with him that I love the most. When the light is coming through from the blinds and spilling over the sheets.. How slow it is because we're just waking up. I love feeling him push inside of me from behind..while his hand is cupping my breast.

This is too graphic.

When it was over, and we were both lying there naked..the sheets were on the floor. He pulled me against him, and then took my hand. He kissed the back of my neck and whispered against my skin..his breath tickling the small hairs..

"I love you"

I can't describe how it made me feel to hear those words, I felt like crying..like my chest expanded and the whole world opened up for me. I just wanted and needed to hear that so badly.

I whispered "I love you too"

Then he released me and climbed out of bed. I heard him go into the bathroom and close the door. I lay there, and smiled. I squeezed the corner of the mattress..and then buried my face in the pillow.

He just left 15 minutes ago to visit his father, and I had to come on and write this.

I know this isn't going to change my life..It's possible he just said it because the sex was really great this morning and he was caught up in the moment. It doesn't matter. I'm on a cloud.

I wish I could say everything in life is going this well..but it's not. I called my mother yesterday after work and It was horrible. I feel more alienated from my family than ever. I'm also having trouble with one of my co-workers in T.G.I. fridays. She keeps stealing my tables. She has some kind of issue with me because her boyfriend also works in the restaurant. She was upset that the first day I came into the job I took a cigarette break outside with him and we hit it off. (AS FRIENDS). I didn't even know that he was dating her, or their history on the first day of work. Ever since that moment, She has been trying to get rid of me . I need this job though. I don't even speak to her boyfriend anymore.

But none of this really matters because this morning Michael said he loved me.

He loves me....

Gossip

2005-10-20T03:39:00.000-04:00

Ever since I was young, I was the victim of gossip.

Kids can be so cruel. When I was 8 years old a rumor went around the playground that I was actually adopted and from Russia.

This wasn't true, I actually cried about it and told people to stop saying it. but for some reason they believed it for years.

When my parents got divorced, someone spread a rumor that my mother was having an affair with the school principal and that my father had walked in on them. They labeled my mother a "Gold digger" and that she had only married my father for his money.

That wasn't true either.

In highschool people spread rumors that I was sleeping around. I had only slept with one boy at that point. Girls would whisper behind my back, guys would nudge eachother as I passed by and raise their eyebrows.

I had a large group of friends, but I also had a few enemies.

Maybe it was because my family was pretty wealthy, Maybe it's because I can be distant when I don't know someone. I didn't open up as quickly as everyone else and remained elusive. When you don't laugh right away at superficial nonsense..you are labeled a bitch. If you don't answer someone's question right away..they create their own answers. Then they whisper and gossip amoungst each other. Everyone needs to speculate about someone they don't fully understand or can't reach. It's almost like they forget that the person they are discussing is an actual human being.

But it doesn't stop after highschool.

And we're all guilty of it on some level.

Just open Entertainment magazine...Is Katie really Pregnant? What's up with Brad and Angelina?..Well Jennifer was probably bad in bed anyway.. Did you hear about...?

*sigh*

Today was a rough day, It's 1 nearly A.M., Michael is already asleep and I just crawled out of bed for a glass of vermouth with olives. Somehow I ended up in front of this flickering computer screen.

Fears and Expectations

2005-10-18T23:47:00.000-04:00

When I don't update my diary..my days seem to just seep between my fingers like sand. I forget events that happened, and the feelings I experienced.

Almost as though they never happened. Writing them down validates them for me..it becomes a part of my actual history. I can't pretend it didn't occur or block it out. Some day I'll have to look back and face the things I've done, the emotions I felt and the incidences in my life.

I hope that in 10 years I'll be in a better place, I hope I'll look back and shake my head at all this. I hope I'm married to Michael and I have this as a documentation of how our relationship began. How I wanted him from the moment I met him and the rocky road towards us getting together.

A part of me believes that might actually happen, that I'll marry Michael and start attending college classes. I'll get a job doing something I love. Maybe we'll have a child and move out of the city.

But another part of me knows that is incredibly stupid and unrealistic. That if I said these thoughts to him it would scare him so far away..I would never be able to bring him back. A part of me knows that all I have is this moment and it can be gone in a blink of an eye.

Meeting his parents gave me false expectations on this relationship. There I was in a fancy restaurant in a nice outfit making small talk inbetween Michael and his folks. At first I was nervous, and I spilled a glass of water on my lap. (I reached for it while his father was talking to me and knocked it to far over with my hand because I was looking directly at him intently.. actually I was just thinking of what I was going to say next. *My potential witty intelligent response*. As a result I ended up just looking like a huge klutz)

I also cursed at the table.. "Well that would be a fucking shame!" I don't even want to describe the context. But no one laughed with me when I laughed.

But by the end of the night, after a few glasses of wine..I relaxed. Michael's mother was nice the entire time. She is one of those very polite, kind and sweet women. At one point, she put a comforting hand over mine. Michael's father is incredibly real, honest and blunt. It took some time getting used to.

Afterwards in bed, Michael climbed above me and began pulling up my shirt, while kissing my stomach. His lips moved up my body and he mumbled into my skin "they loved you"

I was so happy...

Something changed in Michael after the meeting with his parents, He's opening up more. He's talking about his childhood and he showed me his baby pictures. He's sharing more stories with me about his life and history.

The sex has gone down a little bit though..I don't know if I should be concerned about this. Maybe I'm not as desirable as I once was. He isn't tearing off my clothes the minute he steps in the front door. He used to do that.

I brought some of my boxes upstairs from the basement, and unpacked some of my stuff in the bedroom. His apartment is slowly starting to feel like home. I know I shouldn't get too comfortable.

I'm just taking it day by day.. I just hate this fear in my stomach. I can't describe it. It's this fear of growing older..this fear of not becoming anything..this fear of losing this relationship with Michael..this fear of not having a family..(It's been weeks since I've even spoken to my mom on the phone)..this fear of losing my friends..This fear of being alone..

When this anxiety starts to hit, I usually just take a shot and have a cigarette sitting on the windowsill. I wait for Michael to return home and then it subsides.

I have to leave for work.

Still alive

2005-10-14T17:57:00.000-04:00

I'm typing this from an Internet cafe, I just got off from work and thought I would stop in.

This is my first time in a place like this. There are dozens of computers lined up and everyone's face is lit up by the bluish glow from the screens. Other than that, this room is very dark. The man next to me is chuckling at some website he's in, and another man across from me is just staring directly at me. It's kind of freaking me out. He has pock-marks on his face and a big thick black jacket.

I'm in an internet cafe because Michael's internet service was shut down temporarily due to some technical problems. Which is why I haven't been able to update in such a long time.

Someone is coming in on Monday to fix the problem, so I'll be back then.

Life is going well, I quit my job at Starbucks and I have a new job at T.G.I. Fridays. Unfortunately it's for the lunch shift, so the tips aren't anything to write home about. I'm still working my bartender job at night.

The visit with Michael's parents went well..

I'll write more about all of this on Monday, Time for me to log off and get out of this creepy place. Just felt like dropping in with a quick update..to let the few people that might read this out there know that I am..in fact..still alive.

meeting the parents

2005-10-06T17:19:00.000-04:00

I'm really nervous right now.

In an 3 hours, I'm going to meet Michael's parents for the first time.

Well..I met his father once while I was half-naked and hiding behind the kitchen counter on the floor. But I'd prefer not to think of that.

Of course, that's all I CAN think about. How his father saw me like that. It's going to be hard to look him in the eyes tonight.

I wonder what his mother is like Michael says she's a complete "sweetheart" and that she's going to "love" me.

It's really important to me that they like me. I'm in the middle of washing my nicest outfit, and I already took a shower. I have to do up my hair. I want to look presentable and classy. Not like some girl that works as a bartender and at Starbucks.

But someone that went to college, someone that works as an accountant or a lawyer. Someone that has a future.

I'm feeling myself getting depressed. I have to get off this track.

Should I tell him?

2005-09-30T17:36:00.000-04:00

This past few days have been intense.

Passionate nights tangled in sheets, baths, showers together, sex in the livingroom, kitchen and on the floor. It feels like this renewed connection between us.

As though the realization that we could be apart, that we could fight and lose what we have has made our relationship stronger.

I love him

It's hard to think of anything else.

I love everything about him, and it just wells up in my stomach without a release.

I want to tell him, these three words. They're frozen on the tip of my tongue. I want him to know fully how much he means to me..how much this relationship means to me.. How it has changed my life.

But I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll back away, that it will change things. On the other hand, it could open a new door.

Should I tell him?

working it out

2005-09-28T12:11:00.000-04:00

Michael and I are back together.

I'm so relieved right now, I can't even express it in words.

Last night at around 3 A.M., the door bell rang. I was sleeping at the time and it woke me up. I heard Stacey open the front door and I heard voices. I climbed out of cot, and peeked my head out of the room to see what was going on.

Michael was there, and he was visibly drunk. Stacey was arguing with him about something but I couldn't make it out.

"It's okay, Stacey", I told her stepping out in the hallway "Let him in"

I was so happy to see him. It was hard not to start laughing with joy and jump in his arms. My heart was just pounding wildly in my chest and I felt like I couldn't even breath.

He came up to me and pushed me into the bedroom wordlessly. He had me up against the wall and started kissing me. He pulled my T-shirt over my head. We were both completely breathless and just groping at eachother. It was so intense and raw. Michael actually started crying when he pushed inside of me. We had the most amazing make up sex against that wall, I think back to it and feel my whole body heating up again. I can't put it down.. I can't describe it . It was just..passion.

This passion I don't feel with anyone else, that I never felt before Michael. I know there are a few people reading this, and if you think back to the most intense sexual experience in your life. You know what I'm talking about.

Afterwards, we slid down the wall onto the floor and he held me.

"I'm sorry", he said "I'm so fucking sorry..I didn't listen to you, and I was an asshole. I was just fucking scared.."

His voice was slurring slightly, and he leaned his head back up against the wall. He looked so vulnerable, so lost.

"Nothing is happening between me and luke"

"I know."

Then he started really opening up and he told me a lot. I found out some things I didn't want to know, but I'm glad he told me..even though it hurt. For example:

"That girl you met at the door was Karen. We were having sex for a while..last month"

"What??? While you were having sex with me?"

"No..yes..I don't know. I didn't know what the hell we were doing, Iris"

"So that's why you didn't want to have sex at first..because you were seeing someone else. God..I can't believe this. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Karen and I weren't seeing eachother..I don't know what it was"

"Just like you don't know what THIS is"

"no, I know what this is now"

"What is this then?"

"This is real..this is intense. I feel something when I'm with you that I haven't felt with anyone else. When you left on Friday.. It's been shit for me. These past 5 days have been hell. You challenge me, you intrigue me..you turn me on. I asked you to MOVE IN with me! Iris, I don't DO that..that's huge for me.I've wanted you from the first moment I saw you"

"I wanted you too"

He didn't say he loved me. He didn't define the relationship or call me his girlfriend. But he was honest. He didn't have to tell me all these things..but he did. I respect that.

At 5:30 A.M., we got up off of the floor of Stacey's sewing room. I scribbled a thank you note to Stacey and left it on the kitchen table.

we walked home together

and he held my hand the entire time.

****

I'm really tired right now..I'm going back to bed. Everythings okay again and I just wanted to type it out.

I'm truly happy.

miserable

2005-09-25T13:23:00.000-04:00

It seems like my life is just a series of meaningless tragedies and near escapes. I keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again. It's like a rollercoaster with extreme highs and lows. I always end up in the same place.

Something has to change.

I'm sitting in Stacey's livingroom, and I hear her laughing in the kitchen with her boyfriend. I can't stay here much longer, I just don't know where else to go.

I want to call Michael, but I'm afraid. Everytime the phone rings my heart stops and I involuntarily hold my breath. I keep hoping it's him and he would say:"come home, Iris..I miss you. I'm sorry".

It was such a stupid fight and it's all my fault. I know it. It always is.

It's hard to even describe, I guess I'll start at the beginning.

On thursday I had returned from my morning shift at Starbucks and the doorbell rang. When I opened it, some incredibly BLOND girl was standing there with an expectant look on her face. When she saw me, Her expression visibly darkened.

"Who are you?"

(nice way to greet someone). "I'm Iris, I'm living here"

"Where's Michael?"

"He's at work"

"How long have you been living here, Iris?"

"A few weeks..Do you want me to tell Michael you came by?"

She just glared at me, then looked past me. She crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't believe this", she muttered "I can't fucking believe this.."

I just stared at her.

"No. don't bother" and she walked away. I slowly closed the door.

This encounter bothered me, but I didn't mention it to Michael. I didn't want to sound like an insecure jealous girlfriend and I just pushed it away. I couldn't stop thinking about it though.

On Friday Luke called me. He sounded upset. His voice was broken and ragged. There was a certain sadness in his tone, He sounded so lost and alone. It broke my heart. The thing is, even though we broke up and our engagement is over. I still care about him. You just don't stop CARING about people. He loved me when no one else did. He was there for me during some of my darkest hours. We didn't fit as a couple, but in all fairness..he was a wonderful friend to me.

He said he needed to see me. I didn't have money for subway fare and I didn't feel like walking over to his apartment. I was really tired from work. So I told him to just come over and I gave him the address.

Yes. Very stupid. I know. Stupid stupid stupid. I know it doesn't even make sense, because I was so pissed off at him earlier this week. I do stupid things. I wasn't thinking clearly.

So he came over and sat with me on the sofa. He started talking about how he feels his life has lost all meaning, how he just goes from work to home. How he feels like he's falling apart. How it's not my fault or anything but he just needed to see my face. He just needed to talk to someone. I listened and understood. I feel that way too. I know the emotions he's expressing.

Then Michael came in with his bestfriend and Kristin. Then the shit hit the roof.

He just stood there and stared at the two of us on his sofa. He didn't say anything for a full minute. You know those uncomfortable scenes in the movies where you yell at the main character? "Say something! If you just explain it wont be a big deal. Just explain the situation. Damn it! Don't just sit there looking GUILTY. You didn't DO anything." It was one of those moments, the problem is I felt like I lost my voice. This is the first time Luke and Michael were ever in the same room together in over six months.

"I want you both to get the hell out of my apartment right now",

He actually said that. His voice was so cold.

I told him "it's not what it looks like..Luke was just having a hard day and.."

"How many times have you brought him to my apartment while I was gone? Is this a fucking game you're playing and I'm in the dark? I knew this shit was going to happen..etc"

Luke walked out, I started crying and pleading with Michael to just listen. But he just shut off to me and looked over my head.

Then I brought out the situation with that girl at the door and started demanding to know who SHE was! We started yelling at eachother. Then I pushed him and left the apartment. I slammed the door.

I went to Stacey's, she wasn't home..so I talked with her boyfriend for a while. When she came in, she told me I could stay with her for as long as I needed and that everything was going to be okay. I got piss drunk with her and when she fell asleep I called Carl. I sobbed on the phone..

Now here I am.

That's the story. This is my fucked up life. I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I keep thinking that Michael is going to call, and that it's going to go back to how it was. If it doesn't. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even want to contemplate it. I can't, because when I do..I start crying again.

2005-09-24T09:47:00.000-04:00

michael and I got into a huge fight

I'm writing this from Staceys computer in the livingroom. I came here because I had nowhere else to go.

I'm too drunk to type more about this.

I just need sleep. i've been up all night talking about this on the phone with carl

ihatemylife

Porn

2005-09-21T15:04:00.000-04:00

I just found Michael's porn stash.

I was going through his DVD collection today looking for a movie to watch. I didn't have a morning shift at starbucks, and I had nothing to do. All my friends are at work during these hours and I found myself strolling aimlessly through an empy apartment.

He had a number of independent films and foreign films, which was surprising. But I don't really get into movies with subtitles. He had "Six Feet Under" boxset of season 1 and 2, but I've already seen all of those. I dug into the back, and then I saw a number of porns.

I was curious immediately. Most people would probably just put them away, but I had to see what he watched. It was too tempting. Plus, to be entirely honest..I've never watched porn before.

I know that seems unbelievable considering the fact that I'm 21 years old. I was raised in a conservative household and my mother didn't even want us watching anything rated R. as a child or young teenager. Everything I did was behind her back. I never had access to any of those things.

Once I moved out of the house, I never had the courage to enter a porn shop.

So I put it in and sat on his bed..I didn't know what to expect, maybe some kinky fetishes or surprising discoveries about his sexual perversions.

But it was actually incredibly erotic. I was instantly aroused by what I was watching, I couldn't even breathe..

This is embarrassing to admit, but I ended up sliding my hand into my panties.

I still can't believe I masturbated to his porn. I put it back and my face felt hot. I wonder what he would say if he found out. I can't believe I'm even WRITING this..

It was just kind of exciting and new.

There was something I saw that I'm going to try on him tonight.

***

To dramatically switch topics, Stacey might be able to get me a job at TGI Fridays. I'd make more money than at Starbucks and have better hours.

My sister called. After only 15 minutes we got into a huge fight about Luke and she hung up on me. Apparently Luke is visiting my family now on a regular basis and moaning about the breakup to them. He's trying to use my sister as a way of getting us back together.

I can't understand why he's doing this..and I can't believe it either. I've gone from feeling guilty to feeling angry.

Changes

2005-09-17T16:24:00.000-04:00

I don't have much time to type this entry. Michael just left the flat on a beer run and to grab a pack of cigarettes. I just felt the urge to sign on and update. It's an urge I feel whenever a few days go by without logging on.

Everything has been so crazy lately, I feel like my life is changing at a pace so fast I can hardly keep up. When I think back to where I was only 2 months ago it amazes me.

I can't believe I'm living with Michael. I have these moments where I just stop and digest the fact. It overwhelms me. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up either alone in my own apartment struggling with the rent again or back in Stacey's closet sized sewing room wondering how the hell I got there.

Sometimes I wonder where my relationship with Michael is going and how long it's going to last. I'm afraid to get too comfortable here. Most of my boxes are in his basement storage room still unpacked.

Despite the fact that I made a really bad first impression on Michael's father earlier this week, things are okay between us.

"I don't care what my father thinks", Michael had explained later on that evening "he doesn't know you or the situation. When the time is right I'll take you to meet my family the right way. It's just too early"

"I understand"

"They're going to ask too many questions..Questions I can't answer yet"

"I know"

"It's not that.."

"You don't have to explain, it's cool"

Last night I didn't have to work, so Michael and I met some of his friends at the ________ club. This was the first time I met his friends, They're really awesome. At first I felt out of place and it was a little awkward. After a few drinks I felt at home and we were all laughing. I particularly connected with Kristin. (a girlfriend of his bestfriend). We got drunk and shared so much with eachother. We were like old friends by the end of the night.

I wish I didn't have to work tonight, I'm going to meet the same group as yesterday after my shift is over at 1:30 A.M.

Alright, I have to sign off and take a shower.

meeting the father

2005-09-15T12:40:00.000-04:00

Today I met Michael's dad for the first time.

I should write a book:

"How to make the worst first impression with your boyfriend's parents" - by Iris

I'm sure it would be a bestseller

I woke up this morning to the sensation of my panties being slid down my thighs, I saw Michael leaning over me smiling. Truly the best way to wake up.

Afterwards I went into the kitchen with only an almost see-through tank top and thin white panties to make breakfast while Michael took a shower.

As I was breaking open the eggs, I heard the lock on the front door click open and the sound of someone entering the apartment. I froze. Then a strange man in his fifties entered the kitchen!

I panicked and automatically ducked under the counter. I hid there, sitting on the floor with my back against the cabinet. I didn't dare to make a sound or even breathe. There was silence, then I heard.

"Hello? Michael? Who's there? Hello??"

I didn't answer.

Then the man emerged around the corner and stared down at me crouched on the floor in confusion.

"Hi", I muttered. Feeling sheepish and incredibly embarrassed. I WANTED TO DIE.

The man quickly averted his eyes. "Oh..I'm sorry..I..Is Michael here?"

"He's taking a shower"

"Right..I'm Michael's father..I'll just go into the bedroom then" He said

He disappeared around the corner. I sat there feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. I walked over to the bedroom door and listened in our their conversation..

"Who is that girl?", I heard his father asking.

"That's Iris", I heard Michael say "she's living with me"

"I wasn't informed about this", His father said "I never even met this girl..I just walked in on her practically half-naked. I don't know what's going on and it's your life. You can at least tell me these things!"

"I meant to"

"We'll discuss this later"

What the fuck?? Michael is in his 20's..he's not five years old. It's his apartment, why would he have to tell his father all the details of his life. Like it's his business!?

Then the door opened and I ran into the hallway bathroom. I slammed the door and hid. God, that was so embarrassing.

Yeah, that went well. I made a great first impression.

Michael left with his father without saying goodbye.

Ex boyfriends

2005-09-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

I realized fully today that you can NOT be "just friends" with your ex-boyfriends. It's impossible, I was stupid to think that it was.

I finally decided to tell Luke that I had moved out of Stacey's flat and where I was living. I couldn't do it over the phone. So after my morning shift at Starbucks yesterday I took the subway to his apartment.

When I told him, he was upset. Incredibly upset.

"What the FUCK is wrong with you?!"

I just stared at him.

"I want to marry you, I love you and you just keep hurting me and treating me like complete shit. What was our weekend trip about?! Why did you kiss me?!"

I could only shake my head.

"You're making a big mistake, you don't even know this asshole and you're living with him now?? What the fuck?! Iris are you insane?? Is that it?? Did I fall in love with someone that was insane??"

Then he started crying, I didn't know what to do or what to say. I felt like such shit, like such scum. I tried to reach out and touch his shoulder to comfort him. He shoved my hand away.

"Could you just leave?"

I did and as I was walking out he said "You're going to regret this and I'm not going to be around when you come to your senses."

I realize he might be right, but I don't care. I'm not torn anymore, I know what I want. I knew it from the beginning and I let it go to far. I feel like I've come clean. I never said I was a good person and I'm not the girl he imagines me to be.

I've never heard him curse before, or saw him look so coldly at me. It hurt..I also never saw him cry so hard.

You go through your life trying to do what's right..but someone always gets hurt when you aren't honest. I haven't been honest with him and I saw him objectively. I saw him as that other guy, the one that wanted to marry me..like some movie character, instead of a human being. I thought since he had everything going for him..it wouldn't matter.

I fucked up, I know it and writing about this isn't easy. Anyone that bothers to read my journal probably thinks I'm a bitch and a complete utter loser. I'm just writing what I feel, and how I'm struggling. I'm not trying to paint a pretty picture of my existance, I'm not trying to make anyone like me. I'm just telling it like it is. If you don't like me, you don't have to read this. Noone has to read this. Most people show their good sides in online blogs because they have their comments open and they want to make friends. That's not what I'm out to do. This is just my outlet.

But if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize that you're not perfect either. No one is perfect.

I'm defensive because I feel like shit right now..and I've been pacing around the apartment aimlessly trying to make my heart stop pounding so loudly in my chest. I keep going through the past events in my life..and wishing I had done it all differently.

But I can't go back.

opening up

2005-09-13T08:36:00.000-04:00

It's 5:15 A.M. and I can't sleep. Sometimes typing in my diary helps, so here I am.

I finally got the courage to tell Stacey about what our boss did Friday night. It came out while we were having a cigarette break tonight at work. I was just so filled with rage when I saw our boss tonight, that I had to tell someone.

"Iris, that's incredibly fucked up what he did", she told me "You have to tell someone about this"

"I'd rather just forget it"

"Do you want me to handle this? I know someone that can help you fight him and we can.."

"I'd prefer not to"

"So that's it, you're just going to let him pull something like that and get away with it. He's a bastard"

"I know, but it's over"

Stacey just sighed "Whatever, But.I wouldn't let him get away with it if I were you."

"Forget I told you"

Stacey just shook her head and walked inside the building. She left me standing outside alone with my cigarette.

I hate my life sometimes, I don't feel like Stacey understands me anymore either. There's a certain distance between us since I've moved in with Michael. I can't describe it in words, but it's there. I don't feel like I have any real friends, except for Carl. But ever since Carl started dating some guy named "Jett" (I have serious doubts that his REAL name is Jett..but whatever), He hasn't been around much either. My mother isn't talking to me or my sister.

The only person who keeps calling is Luke. Stacey said she called her flat 10 times last week asking for me. She keeps telling him that "I'm out" because she doesn't want to be the one to tell him that I moved in with Michael. I'm surprised my mother hasn't told him yet, since they seemed to be "so close"

I know I have to call him and clear things up, I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of everything. I'm aware of the fact that this makes me a very pathetic and weak person.

The only time I'm really happy is at night with Michael, those are the moments I live for.

2005-09-11T10:08:00.000-04:00

My boss made me try on a new work uniform that was too tight, than he touched me inappropriately

I haven't told anyone about this because look at how that sentence sounds. They're going to think

a. I'm making this up for attention

b. I'm an idiot for letting myself get in a situation like that in the first place.

This whole situation makes me sick, I'm going to write about it just to get it off my chest because it keeps playing over and over in my mind. Sometimes writing things down helps clear my mind. Things don't look nearly as terrible in print and life is too short to get disturbed over every negative experience in life. I usually can just push it back into the recesses of my mind and let it go. Maybe I shouldn't just LET IT GO..on the other hand, maybe I SHOULD.

It's not like he raped me or anything. I might be overreacting, but I hate him right now. I don't want to go to work monday night.

Friday night my boss called me into his office during my cigarette break.

He told me that he had ordered some new uniforms for all the employees and he wanted me to try one of them on for me. He wanted to see how it fits and how it looks.

He pulled a uniform out of a box that was neatly folded and wrapped in plastic.

"You can try it on in my office bathroom, it would only take a minute"

I sighed, took it into my hands and unwrapped it. I looked at the size on the label. "This is size 3, I'm a size 5. This is going to be too tight", I said "Do you have a different one for me to try on?"

"Can you just do it?", He asked. He said this with annoyance and a slight slur in his voice. I could tell he had been drinking again and I didn't want to fight with the man that pays my wages. I knew my job was hanging on a thread. Fuck it, I'd try on the stupid uniform. Whatever.

In the bathroom I pulled the short tight skirt over my hips and buttoned up the white top, I had to take off my bra because it refused to button up otherwise. I felt uncomfortable stepping out into his office with this get-up. I thought the uniform was ridiculous and I hoped he would realize that. There was no way in hell anyone working at the bar would wear it.

I stepped out and crossed my arms over my chest. "It's too tight, and it's ugly and it's revealing", I told him honestly. "Can I take it off now please". I felt so uncomfortable and I know my face was red.

He just watched me. He moved around to the front of his desk and sat on the edge. He motioned for me to come closer "Let me just see the cut"

I shook my head.

"Could you stop behaving like this?", He asked "I'm asking you for a simple god damn favor, Iris. Could you just do this for me and stop acting like a five year old?"

Acting like a five year old?????

I walked up to him.

"turn around", He said

I turned around.

"Could you uncross your arms please",

I did it reluctantly.

He looked me over, then he licked his lips in this nasty way that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and made me wonder how on earth I ended up standing there in front of him in his locked office in a revealing outfit way too tight. He rubbed the front of his pants with the back of his hands.

I looked down at what he was doing.

"Yeah, you gave me a boner..you like that?"

I didn't answer.

"You probably do, but you must be used to jerking guys around like that, aren't you?"

Jerking guys around? He sounded pissed off as though I had done something intentionally to turn him on and now I was playing hard to get. This is what a sick loser he is.

"Your panty line is showing through the back, can you take them off for a minute?"

"No", I started heading back to the bathroom.

He stood up and grabbed my hand "Look, I have a lot of girls that want this job and with your work performance as of late it would be pretty damn easy to let you go. If you can just cooperate for a few minutes, you'll be included when I hand out the bonus's next week"

So I did. I know if anyone is even reading this, you're thinking why would I do what this man says, Why would I go along, why don't I just kick him in the balls and quit?

Because I need this job, because you don't know how you'd handle a situation unless you're in it. If the stupid jerk wants to get his rocks off by watching me remove my panties out from under my skirt. If it means I'll get a bonus and wont have to live off other people for my survival. Then fuck it, I'll do it.

I stood there with my panties crumpled up in my hands and just stared at him. I was nearly at the point of tears, But I didn't want him to see that. I didn't want him to think he was getting to me. At that point, I was someone else in this situation and not myself.

"You are hot" He reached out, touched my chest and tweaked one of my nipples. Then he smiled. "Thank you"

"Can I go change now?"

"Yes and then get back to work. It's a busy night and start getting to work on time. You were late 3 times this month"

"I work two jobs"

He made a motion with his hand, like a mouth opening and closing. Then he looked me over. He reached his hands into his pants, rubbing himself for a moment and then walked out of the office.

I changed in the bathroom, threw the outfit on his desk without folding them and went back to work.

I didn't tell anyone, I felt sick and pissed off. At first it didn't even fully hit me what had just happened until later on when I started really thinking about it.

I could report him for something like this. If I could afford a lawyer, I would sue him. I'm just afraid that the bastard would find a way to turn it around on me.

No one got hurt, I still have my job and I'm not going to think about it anymore. I'm only writing about it because if anyone else out there has gone through something similiar and never told anyone.

Well guess what?, you're not alone.

It's 7 A.M. Sunday morning, Michael will be waking up soon, I'm going to make him breakfast. I'm putting this whole thing behind me.

2005-09-10T06:21:00.000-04:00

Something happened tonight at work

Something I dont know if I can write about, but I'm upset about it. I drank too much to collect my, I'll just type this tomororw

I hate my boss

Adjusting

2005-09-08T20:05:00.000-04:00

Living together with someone I'm involved with for the first time is a lot harder than I expected. It's especially hard when you don't know where you stand..

Are we together..or are we not together? Am I his "live-in girlfriend" or am I just "the roommate that he's sleeping with"?

I wonder if anyone else had a situation like this..it makes me want to open up my comments for feedback. I feel so confused. I don't want to feel jealousy and insecurity when another girl calls. I don't want to be irrational.

On the other hand, I don't want to be used. I want to be special.

God, I want so badly to hear him say: "I love you, Iris"

I don't need him to marry me or pledge a lifetime commitment. I just want to hear that I mean something to him.

I see something in his eyes, last night when we were in bed..we had the lights on and he was drawing designs on my stomach. He moved his finger over my breasts and my neck..then he touched my cheek. He looked into my eyes so intensely and his lips crushed down on mine. The kiss was so beautiful, so raw..

He was so gentle last night.

I love the way he feels inside me, I love so much about him. I know I'm in love with him..I've been feeling this for a long time. I turned my back on my family and broke up with Luke. Just for this..

for these moments together..to feel the way I do.

I shouldn't want any more. I should just appreciate it for what it is.

bliss

2005-09-06T15:10:00.000-04:00

Life is just a series of moments

It's not about success or failure, jobs or money, politics or fame. I don't know why we have all these goals that we strive for and measure our worth by. It's all crap.

Right now I'm happy.

I'm happy because I'm in love..or maybe I'm "in lust", but it feels so damn good. It's something I've wanted for so long.

This..what I'm experiencing right now.

It's what I've seen only in my dreams, only in movies and books. I didn't think it would happen to me, and it did. I want to hold on to every second of it because I don't know how long it's going to last. I'm not so naive to think this will last forever, or that anything in life does. There is no security, there are no guarantees.

But the way I felt last night was amazing, I wish I could bottle it up and re-experience it over and over again...

Michael has a bathtub, and last night I was taking a bath. I poured in a little bit of shampoo to make bubbles form and eased my body in the warm water. I loved the way it lapped around my knees pulled up against my chest..and the way it lapped around my breasts..the water felt like it was kissing my nipples. I let my head fall back and just enjoyed the feeling.

I heard the front door open and I knew it was Michael. I listened to him put the keys on the counter, the sound of drawers opening in the kitchen. This anticipation in my stomach.. Just the thought of him entering made me aroused. I moved my hand between my legs..touching myself and shifting in the water.

He came in and looked down at me in the bath with a smile.

"Now this is what I like to come home to", He said kneeling down next to the tub, He pushed the wet strands of hair behind my ear and touched the side of my face "I've been thinking about you all fucking day.."

I closed my eyes.

"What are you doing down there..", He motioned to my hand hidden under the soapy water

I smiled, "What do you think", My voice was choked because I was so turned on and I know he saw it in my face. My cheeks felt hot and I looked away.

"Oh god..", He moaned, He moved his hand over my shoulder blade and over my shoulders..then across my breasts slowly..pushing away the suds..then touched my knee..the slid his hands down my inner thigh and it disappeared under the water...I opened my eyes and saw that his were closed while he touched me there. His lips partly open, and his breath quickening.

The intensity of my own response to his touch frightens me, I feel like I lose all control and everything falls away. He stripped down and joined me in the bathtub. He pulled my body on top of him..

We had water and soap all over the floor when it was over..I felt lightheaded..breathless.. like a different person. A happy person.. He pulled my wet body out of the bathtub and started drying me off..he did it so slowly. I loved watching him, I liked seeing him grow hard again. I shouldn't write about this, it's making me ache for him again..I can't even sit still. I'm a mess.

We didn't need alcohol or drugs..I didn't need to escape. With him, I can be myself. I can be my truest self. I feel this bliss that just moves through me and he makes me feel so beautiful. It's like the ultimate high.

Michael is at work right now, I should be at Starbucks but they called me this morning and told me they were cutting back on my work hours. I asked "Why?", He said something about how I'm always "tired" and I "took on too much". Which is true, working two jobs has been exhausting and I realized I can't handle coming home at 2:30 A.M. some nights, and then leaving at 9:30 A.M. for my second job. I had only a few hours of free time..and only a few hours to sleep. It wasn't working. I need the money though. I have to figure out a way to make more that doesn't require me burning out entirely.

I have the afternoon to look through the classified and find something better. I can only think of Michael right now though, and I can't stop smiling...

Living with Michael.

2005-09-05T14:24:00.000-04:00

Before you make a big transition in your life, there's always fear. You imagine all the scenarios and how they could unfold. You obsess over it and think about it constantly. The nervousness builds in your stomach and you have doubts.

But I had nothing to be afraid of, Once I actually moved in with Michael...It felt strangely normal.

A lot of people didn't "approve" of my decision to move in with him, including Stacey.

She said: "How much do you actually know about Michael? Be careful... I'm afraid for you. This is really fast and I think you're going to get hurt. Don't rush into this, you could be making a mistake..blah blah blah.."

On Friday afternoon I did it anyway. The truth is, I have nothing to lose. It's not like I have all these great options in life .

It was either move back home with my mother or move in the Michael.

Everyone thinks they can plan their life, every detail of it and not have to explore the unknown. They can be safe at all times and know what tomorrow is going to bring.

but you DON'T.

I finally got my internet service back up. I'm sitting in Michael's computer room. My computer is on a table across from his laptop. I'm still in my pajama's because I have the day off from work. He's visiting his family for Labor Day.

He invited me to come, but I could tell that he was not ready to introduce me to his parents. He just said it because he felt bad about leaving me alone. I lied and told him I had plans with my mother.

It's a lie because my mother isn't talking to me right now.

My Cat is here, Michael had no problem with it. She's still hiding somewhere in the apartment. I guess it will take her some time to adjust to the change..from my old flat, to Carl's apartment and now this place. I hope my cat isn't fucked up for life from all this.

Luke doesn't know about this yet, I haven't been able to tell him. I don't know how he's going to respond or how he's going to take it. Honestly, I'm a little afraid.

The first moments in Michael's house were strange. We brought in all the boxes and then sat down on his sofa. I looked around at the apartment that I was going to call home..and I felt like I was intruding on his space. He sat across from me and was looking down at his hands. I didn't know what he was thinking. I was afraid he was having doubts about his decision, that he was scared.

It was the middle of the afternoon, we weren't drunk or having sex. We were just sitting there in the daylight seeing eachother clearly for the first time. I noticed that his eyes were a shade of green with yellow specks..the freckles around his nose..the redness of his lips..the hair on his arms. All of our encounters had been intense..in nightclubs, bars, in a darkened room, in bed.

This is so hard to describe in words, the emotions I felt. It was a feeling of love for him that overwhelmed me..and I know I have to push it away but I can't help it. Not every guy would do this for me. It's a huge step to let some girl you're just sleeping with suddenly move in with you.. WITH HER CAT.

But it's not like he's making a commitment to me or this is leading to marriage. He made that clear. He's just helping me out.

We had a lot of sex this weekend..

I'll write more about this later, there's so much to say and not enough time. I'm meeting Carl in a half an hour. I have to take a shower and get dressed. I just felt the need to update....To type out some thoughts.

Despite what everyone thinks in my life, this wasn't a mistake. This was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like I'm growing up...I feel like I'm living my own life.

Fuck, it feels good. I don't care who judges me because of it.

a little nervous

2005-09-01T12:35:00.000-04:00

I'm nervous about living with Michael.

I've lived alone for the past 3 and a half years, Stacey is the first roommate I ever had. I've never lived with a man before, especially not one that I was sleeping with.

I don't know what to expect, I don't know much about Michael. I've only been to his apartment two times. Technically I've known him for six months, but we've only been involved.. (if you can call it that) for a month. This seems crazy..but on the other hand, I couldn't be happier.

I have no idea what this is going to be like.

I worry about stupid things..like him seeing me when I look like shit in the morning, or realizing how grumpy I am before my coffee. I'll be wearing my not-so-sexy panties at some point and he'll see me when my hair is all messed up, no make up, blemishes and all. We'll be sharing a bedroom..like an actual couple even though we don't have a title. I wont have any private space, we'll be cooking meals together... I wont be able to write drunken entries on my computer at 2 A.M. because he'll be there. I wont have a door to close and a computer in my bedroom like I do here.

At some point I'll meet his family and his friends.. I'll see what his life is like. I realized I don't know anything about what he does on his free time, or his hobbies, musical interests..etc.

I'm nervous.. I'm afraid he'll grow tired of me or regret his decision. I'm worried it might be too fast to make a move like this. He seems really casual and calm about it though. I don't think he sees this as a huge step in our relationship, but merely as a way of helping me out when I'm in need.

But I can't control this feeling of excitment in my stomach at the realization of how my situation is going to change.. I just imagine waking up in his arms every morning..taking showers together..Our bodies tangled..walking naked through the flat after sex..living together.

Actually living together.

I told my mother yesterday afternoon. She didn't take it well. She went off on me. She said how disappointed and embarrassed she was of my life and my behavior. She can't believe I would go off and live with "Some guy you picked up at a bar", She also was upset about the situation with Luke and she can't let go of the hope that we were going to get engaged again.

For a while I thought Luke and I had a future but at this point, I'm going to follow my heart and NOT my head.

I've honestly stopped giving a shit about what my mother thinks of me. She never has and never will accept me for who I am. I'm tired of trying to be something that I'm not just to please her. This is my life.

I'm going to start moving out friday afternoon once I get off from Starbucks. I still can't believe this is happening. It feels like a strange dream.

But I'm really nervous

2005-08-31T20:22:00.000-04:00

This might be insane...

I hardly know him, How can I live with him? What if he WAS drunk when he called me last night? I can't get too excited about this. It's not even rational.

Holy shit!

2005-08-31T12:50:00.000-04:00

He wants me to move in with him.

Michael wants me to move in with him!

He called me last night, when I picked up he just said "Iris, Move in with me"

He didn't even say "Hello" or a formal greeting, I was quiet and confused. Then finally I asked "What? Are you serious?"

"Yes"

"Is this because you're afraid of losing me?"

"Maybe"

I laughed "I can't move in with you"

"Why not?"

I felt this insane bliss in my stomach, I was smiling from ear to ear and curled up on the sofa. I covered my face "I don't know..this is crazy"

"Why is it crazy?"

"We..hardly know eachother"

"I think we know eachother VERY well.."

I blushed. "Are you drunk right now?"

"No"

"You're serious?"

"Yes"

"Okay"

"Okay?"

"Okay!"

"Okay."

He hung up and I stared at the phone. I thought "Did that just happen? Tell me that did not just happen..."

I haven't told anyone about this yet (Except for my bestfriend, Carl) . Michael had called after my late shift at the bar. Stacey is still sleeping, I haven't told my mother or Luke about this new development either.

Holy shit!. I have to digest this. It hasn't even fully registered yet. I just needed to get it down in writing..because I can't believe it.

I can't believe this!

I could hardly sleep last night, I'm so excited..and in shock.

I'm going to live with Michael!!!!!!!!!

feeling sick

2005-08-30T04:18:00.000-04:00

I hate this crushing feeling of despair in my pit of my stomach. I feel like I've just given up and all my dreams have been destroyed.

I hate how pathetic I just began this diary entry...

Today I laid around all day, filling my computer desk with crumpled up tissues, drinking tea and ingesting NyQuil. I read through all my blog links. (the ones on the left of this template) It was nice having the time to really sit down and just enjoy them without having to rush off to work.

It's amazing how beautiful people can write, the moments they capture, the funny stories they share and how talented some of them are. I didn't leave any comments, just read through archives and preferred being a silent voyeur. It seems like everyone in the blog community has a friendship with eachother, through their comments. I'm in the outskirts because I choose to have my comments closed. That doesn't really bother me though.

But a note to whoever is reading this. If you have time..read the blogs on my list. They're really amazing.

Michael called me this afternoon, I told him that I was moving back in with my Mom. I started crying on the phone and I had to keep blowing my nose because I was so congested. My eyes started burning even more.

Michael didn't say much. He was quiet. He said he had to do some "thinking" and that he had some stuff he needed to do tonight.

"I'll call you tomorrow, I hope you feel better soon, Iris"

and he hung up the phone. I was too sick and tired to even get emotional about it.

I told Stacey I was moving out. She asked me "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes" and tried to smile. I thanked her for everything and told her I would be leaving Saturday morning.

I don't feel like writing anymore about this today. It's too depressing.

Going Backwards

2005-08-29T14:28:00.000-04:00

I'm moving back home with my Mother.

Yesterday afternoon I overheard Stacey and her boyfriend in the kitchen when I was heading to the bathroom. Stacey was saying how she misses having her sewing room and the space she used to have.

Her boyfriend suggested that she tell me to move out.

"I can't do that", I heard Stacey say "Iris has nowhere else to go. I can't do that to her"

I just stood there listening to her, feeling sick and miserable. I realized I couldn't impose on her any longer. She's been so kind to me..but there's a limit to someone's hospitality and I think I've crossed it. I went back to my room and started to cry. This truly sucks.

I called my mother and asked her if I could move back home with her for a while. My mother was willing and sounded happy.

She's happy because she won. I moved out 4 years ago hoping to make it on my own and I failed. Returning home is a way of admitting defeat, admitting that she was right, admitting that I'm a failure. I accomplished nothing. I went from one dead end job to the next, and struggled just to pay the fucking rent. I can't do it anymore, I have no choice. I have no other options.

I have the flu today, I started feeling sick yesterday but this morning I woke up with a fever and a pounding head. My whole body is aching and it's hard to even sit up. I don't have insurance, so I can't afford to go to the doctor. I'm sure it will pass, but I had to take off from my morning shift at Starbucks.

I'm beginning to hate working there. All the college students talking about the upcoming "fall semester", they're all excited and talking about classes, teachers, friends, school.. I hate when they ask me where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I always have to answer.

"nothing"

letting go and opening up

2005-08-27T05:43:00.000-04:00

I did it.

Last night, I called Michael

I feel really good right now..that's something I haven't felt in a while. Just amazing.. I guess I should write what happened, because the memory of last night has been twisting and turning in my head all day..I could barely focus at work, I screwed up so many orders at Starbucks and I couldn't stop smiling at the bar tonight.

When I first picked up the phone, dialed his number and heard his voice. I thought I had made a huge mistake. He sounded exhausted.. The time on my alarm clock was 2:15 A.M.

"Did I wake you?" (no shit)

"Yes..Who is this?"

"It's..Iris"

"Iris..(pause)..Hi" (his voice was neutral, he didn't sound excited or happy..that made me insecure)

"hey..I'm sorry I called you so late"

(silence)

"I just wanted to see how you've been.."

He cleared his throat, I could hear it..then he asked "So how's Luke?"

"Is that why you haven't called me?"

"you didn't answer my question, Iris"

I sighed. "I need you..can you come over?"

He didn't say anything for an entire minute. I sat there listening to just his breathing on the other end of the phone. I felt foolish, desperate, stupid..

But he said "I'll be there in 20 minutes" and he hung up.

I ran around my room, cleaning up the bottles, clothing and crap all over the place. I tried to make the place look decent.. I didn't know what to wear and I was still trying to figure that out when he buzzed the front door. I was worried about Stacey waking up and I ran across the flat, slipped on the rug..hit the wall and started cursing.

But none of that mattered when I opened the door. He came in, we just stood there and stared at eachother.. Then we started kissing. I had a few shots, so my inhibitions were non-existant. He had me up against the wall and his lips were crushing down on mine. I was so happy, it was like coming to life again.

I can't even describe it..it's like I see everything in color again. My heart is pounding so fast and I'm just in this euphoric state. I'm entirely in the moment..nothing else is there. Everything fades away.

We backed up into the bedroom, he tugged my tanktop over my head, and slid down my panties..he pushed me down on the bed, began to kiss my breasts..his hands moving frantically down my body and inbetween my legs. It was so hard and fast..When we had sex, it was so rough..we ended up on the floor. I bit his shoulder hard, and he dug the nails of his hands into my back. I felt like he couldn't be deep enough inside, it was strangely animalistic. So much need, mixed with anger and passion. I can't explain it in words..

Afterwards. He let his body fall on top of me, and his head was on my chest...His hair falling over my neck. He was breathless and he held me tightly.

Then he asked me "What are you doing, Iris.."

I didn't know how to answer that.

"I don't know what to think..when I met you you were engaged..and we messed around, then you broke off the engagement..now that guy is back and now you're calling me up.. for this.. I don't know if you're just fucking with me. If this is some game to you"

Then it came out. I opened up for the first time. I started crying and I told him everything. I told him about my mother, I told him about my jobs, my money situation, the living situation with Stacey, my feelings for Luke and the history of our relationship, how scared I was, how much I'm struggling and how I'm a fucked up mess..basically.

He listened. He listened to everything I said, afterwards he held me and stroked my hair. He didn't say much, it was 5 A.M. at that point. We fell asleep.

When I woke up for work, he was gone. He left a note on the dresser saying that he had to go away with his little brother upstate to help him move into College for the first time, that he'd be back on Monday. He said he would call me then.

I lay there..looking at his handwriting, tracing the words with my finger. I only had 3 hours of sleep before my shift at work, but it didn't matter. It's weird, this feels like a new beginning. I feel alive..I feel happy..

I opened up to him, If he doesn't call on Monday.. fine.

But at least I know that I told him how I felt, I let him see who I really was, I took off my mask. I did it. I know this isn't huge in the big scheme of things, there are more important issues in this world.

but for me.

this is huge.

..and I'm actually sober while I type this.

Something has got to give

2005-08-26T04:35:00.000-04:00

There's nothing worse than feeling like a third wheel.

I can't keep living in the spare room of Stacey's apartment.

Her boyfriend just moved in on Tuesday night. I saw it coming, but it was still a surprise to see him loading boxes into the foyer. I stood there awkwardly watching him.

Wednesday night we all drank together in the livingroom after work, We played drinking games and took whiskey shots until we were almost sliding off the sofa. They started making out in the kitchen and I felt so out of place in her private home.

Her boyfriend asked me this morning "So how long do you think you'll be living here, Iris?"

Translation: "I'm here now..so get the fuck out"

"I don't know..I'm just trying to raise enough money to put the down payment on my own apartment. It should only be a few more weeks", then I pretended to laugh. "Or whenever Stacey kicks my ass out on the curb"

He nodded, but he didn't laugh. I couldn't help but wonder if Stacey complained to him, if she felt obligated to take me in and now regrets that decision. It's been a month now. Maybe she doesn't know how to tell me to leave.

I can't tell you how shitty this feels inside.

Tonight after my afternoon shift at Starbucks, I went to have dinner with my family.

Luke was the one that picked me up. He told me that my mother really wanted to see me and how much she "loves" me.

I hated sitting at the dinner table next to Luke. My Mother and sister were across from us, watching us carefully. They were observing how we interacted. I could read their thoughts so clearly..they didn't even have to speak. They wanted us to get engaged again, get married and live "happily ever after"

They don't care that I'm struggling with my feelings for Michael, or that I think about him all the time. They don't care what I want, how hard my life is..how much I hate my existance sometimes. They just want to marry me off to someone wealthy to get me off their hands.

My Mother and I also had an argument..I don't feel like getting into it. I'm beginning to hate who she is and everything she represents.

I'm going to do something.

Something I'm really afraid of, but a few shots of vodka before hand will help me out.

I'm going to call Michael. I know it's 1:30 in the morning. I know it's stupid. I don't care if it makes me look desperate, needy, pathetic or clingy. I need to hear his voice. I need to tell him how I feel. I'm sick of this shit. I can't do this anymore. I have to be real, I have to be myself.

2005-08-23T09:09:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a moment in life where you just felt like scum?

I had one of those moments tonight..

I realized that I'm a terrible person, that my fear of being alone, poor, struggling and friendless turned me into a careless humanbeing. Someone that does stupid things, and then tries to escape from having to confront them by drinking. I'm afraid tell people how I feel in life, I'm afraid of exposing my vulnerability..so I act like I don't care. Not only that.. but I HURT people.

I rationalize it by saying.."Well, they would have hurt me in the long run anyway..they would have left me..anyway. I was just beating them to the punch"

The truth is, I don't recognize myself anymore.. I honestly have moved so far from the girl I used to be. I feel like I've sunk so damn low.

What's horrible, is that I keep thinking of the feeling of Michael's hand in my shirt, his thumb grazing against my nipple..the feeling of him biting my lowerlip, the feeling of him pushing inside of me and I feel this yearning. It's like my rational mind shuts off and it becomes this need.

But somewhere along the way, I've lost myself. I don't know what I'm doing in life.. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not heading anywhere..It's like I've reached a dead end.

I picked up the phone to call Michael and tell him how I feel about him..but I couldn't dial the numbers. I was too afraid. I just started crying and then I screwed open the stupid vodka bottle. Luke called 15 minutes later..I listened to his voice on the answering machine. I didn't touch the phone.

I'm going to hurt him again. That's how evil and wretched a person I am. It's 6 A.M., and I've been crying most of the night. I can't sleep..I kept squeezing my pillow, I clenched my upper arm so tightly that it caused a bruise and just feeling miserable.

I have to go to work in 3 and a half hours

I know it's going to get better, I just need sleep..

A weekend away

2005-08-22T11:46:00.000-04:00

I love the smell of hotel rooms.

The only fun memories I have with my family were during vacations. I remember jumping on the hotel bed with my sister and the two of us excitedly tearing open the packages for the fancy soaps. We played with the little bottles of complimentary lotion, shampoo, conditioner and hairspray. My parents were still together at that time, and they were happy.

But somehow entering an expensive hotel room suite with my Ex-fiance felt incredibly wrong. Especially when I looked at the king sized bed in the center of the room.

The bed we were going to share.

On one hand I was excited because I had a lot of cocktails and we had been re-connecting. On the other hand, It felt strange...uncomfortable all of sudden.

Lying next to Luke again was odd. He ran his hand down my back slowly while I pretended to be asleep. I felt his finger playing with the corner of my panties and I heard his breath quickening. Instead of arousal, I felt nausea. I suddenly felt trapped.

I had let him drive me to his hometown for the weekend, I had let him pay for a pricey dinner and for the drinks. Suddenly I began to feel this pressure in my chest. I was afraid he expected something from me. Something I wasn't ready to give him.

He moved his body against mine for a moment, so I could feel that he was aroused. I continued to pretend to be asleep, he stopped.

Beside that one moment, the weekend was nice. We went to the beach, and we also played tennis.

He showed me a house for sale that he had been eyeing and he wanted my "opinion". He said that he wanted to move into that house someday with his "future wife". I couldn't look at him.

I can't be that "future wife" and I'm afraid that the entire weekend I gave him the impression that I could. I hate myself for that. I hate that I led him on, I didn't mean to. I was just trying to rebuild our friendship and let him know how sorry I was for hurting him the way I did. I thought this weekend would be a chance for me to open up to him about my feelings for Michael and all the confusion I feel.

But it wasn't. In fact, Saturday night we kissed in a beach hut after a few shots of tequila. I was drunk and caught up in the moment, but I instantly regretted it. I cringe just typing that..

I feel confused. At one point during the weekend, Luke's Cellphone rang and it was my mother.

I only heard his end of the conversation. When he offered me the phone, I just shook my head.

Why is my mother calling Luke on his cellphone? When did they get so close?

This weekend wasn't terrible, but it was a mistake.

Stacey told me this morning that Michael called while I was away. Maybe that's why I feel this way..because I'm not ready to let my relationship with Michael go. Hearing that he called me..changed things. I want to see him, I need to talk to him.

I feel like I'm walking on a thin line right now..a line that could lead me ultimately alone and despised. By both of them. I feel like shit.

I have to go to work.

Online Journals

2005-08-19T03:02:00.000-04:00

"What motivates Iris to keep an online Journal if she doesn't have her comments section open?"

That was a question asked a while back in someone's comments section in reference to my diary. Today, I felt like answering it.

It's the same thing that motivated people to keep diaries for centuries. I write for myself, I write to record my life experiences and to have something to look back on. I write to clear my head and to put some of my feelings down in words. I write to get it out, and it calms me down.

If you're reading this right now, You're reading something you usually wouldn't be privy to. You're reading a diary that should be locked and hidden in my dresser drawer. It's a window into my life, my feelings, my passions and my desires. I'm leaving it open so you can peer in, if you want..for as long as you want.

I had my comments open for a few weeks and it didn't work for me. I know I have flaws, I know I drink too much, I know I'm confused, I know I don't do things right all the time and I'm struggling...I'm the first to admit it. I don't need to have others tell me this or put me down. I don't need to have people instruct me on how I should or shouldn't live my life. While I appreciate feedback and constructive criticism..the truth is, I'm really insecure, weak and scared. I get hurt easily and I'm way too sensitive. I take negative comments to heart, even ones from perfect strangers.

Sometimes it's easier to just write without thinking of an audience and just for myself.

I know the whole basis of online blogs is to receive feedback, and people want to put in their two cents. It's nice to be able to feel like you can influence the course of someone's life through your comments. That's part of the appeal and that's what makes people keep coming back. For me, I like reading other people's writings..but I rarely leave comments. I'm more of a silent reader.

A lot of times when I'm updating, I've had a few drinks..I know I'm not always the most intelligent, I know my logic isn't always the best, I know I make mistakes and reading this is probably like watching a train wreck unfold. But I'm going to pull it together, it's going to get better.

I know closing my comments cuts me off from any potential support or encouraging words.

I want to believe that some people reading this understand and relate...I want to believe that if you're reading this, it's not to judge..but to get an inside glimpse into something you wouldn't normally be able to. It's not always easy to write about the things that I do, or as openly as I do. But I do it anyway..maybe because it is taboo. Because in a way it's dangerous to expose yourself.

But that's life.

and because no one can reach me. It feels safe. Eventually I'll just stop one day and shut this down entirely. ..but I want to thank those ahead of time..the ones that came a long for the journey. Even if it was only for a short time.

I managed to get two days off from work, and I'm leaving with Luke for the weekend. He's taking me somewhere, to show me something and he says I need a short vacation. He's right. I'm not sure if this is the best idea, but he said he's willing to take it slow. It would be just "as friends"

I'll be back on Monday

2005-08-18T04:01:00.000-04:00

Luke called 4 times in the past few days, Michael hasn't called at all. he hasn't been at the bar either.

I'm drunk right now and I want to call Michael.

My god, I want to call him so badly..It's just this ache inside and it's spreading across my entire body. I want him so incredibly much.. I've been drinking and I know that is contributing to these feelings.. I know I can't act on them. I can't think rationally in this state.

But I want to feel his kisses and tongue running down my body..I want to feel that bliss in my stomach and excitment that I only feel with him. I think back to our moments together, and I feel this anticipation..this intense insane yearning. It just washes over me.. I see flashes of our bodies covered with sweat sliding over eachother, his shoulder muscles tightening..I hear his moans, I see his lips..I feel my thighs trembling at just the thought of him touching me and I can't even sit in this chair without squirming. I actually get goosebumps at the memories, and my throat tightens.. not to mention how wet

Okay. I have to stop

Have you ever just wanted someone so badly that it actually hurt, you felt like you couldn't breath...

My mother actually called me..today, she "trusts that I'll do the right thing" and then she talked about Luke for nearly an hour.

Apparently they're becoming good friends. Why does it bother me that my mother loves my ex-fiance more than me??

I'm so tired of being something that she has to be ashamed of.. When I told her about Michael, and I told her that I met him in the bar she said:

"You left Luke for some strange guy you picked up in a bar? I refuse to believe that, My daughter doesn't behave like that"

oh yes.

Your daughter does...and right now all I want is to be with him. Why can't he love me?? Why doesn't he..why can't..

Okay, too drunk..I hate how alone I feel right now.

Taking it slow

2005-08-18T00:31:00.000-04:00

Luke took me out to dinner last night.

I sat there in the nice restaurant, I looked around and felt guilty, weird, torn apart and confused.

The big difference between Luke and Michael is that Luke actually talks about his feelings. He wants to put everything on the table and is really open about what's going on in his head. This is what he said to me:

He told me "I'm sorry, I didn't listen to you last month. You told me you weren't ready to get married right away and I didn't want to hear it. I kept pushing you and pushing you.."

I nodded.

"When you told me about that other guy.."

"Michael"

"Whatever his name is. I just wanted to crush him. I wanted to find him, beat the shit out of him and twist his neck until it snapped..I was so pissed off and angry. For a week, I thought I hated you"

(Understandable.)

"But now it's different. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm willing to take it slow and do this right."

We talked a lot, it was more like he spoke and I just listened. He seemed so sincere. I could almost see a future with him again, I remembered what it was that attracted me to him in the beginning of our relationship. His sense of humor and his intellect. The problem is the chemistry between us, I don't feel a strong desire for him, I don't feel lust like with Michael. It feels sterile.

But on the other hand, it feels safe.

When he brought me home, he just gave me a soft kiss on the cheek and held me close. While he held me, I just felt these tears well up in my eyes because I felt his love for me. I can FEEL it so strongly.

It feels so good to be wanted, to be loved, to have someone that wants to commit to a real relationship with me. I was sitting in my room tonight just thinking about this. If we got back together, my mother would accept me again, and my sister. I wouldn't be the outcast anymore. I could get out of this apartment..

But do I want to be with him for the wrong reasons? Is Michael right? Is this just about having safety and security. Is this just because I want so badly to get out of this tiny little closet-sized bedroom? Because I'm so fucking tired of struggling all the time? because I want to escape this life I'm living? Because I'm just so damn tired of being alone? Is this just the easy way out?

I'm going to be entirely honest, and admit that YES. Yes, the fact that Luke is offering me so much makes him really attractive to me right now...

Is that the right reason to marry someone?

I don't know what to think..or what to feel..

"Follow my heart?"

2005-08-16T16:20:00.000-04:00

When I was younger, I thought the idea of being torn between two men was really romantic and exciting. I actually yearned for it to happen to me. The thought of two different men fighting over me or desiring me made me smile when I was 11 years old.

Now I'm 21 and I'm torn between two people. It's not romantic or exciting. It's horrible, confusing and alienating.

I have the day off, my first entire day off in weeks. All morning I've been thinking about this.

The fact is: Luke is offering me an entirely new life, he's offering me so much unconditional love and he's willing to commit.

I remembered what Stacey had said about how hard it is to find a good man like Luke. It's just that the chemistry isn't there for me. But maybe if we took it slow and eased back into a relationship together..maybe that would change. On the other hand..when I WAS engaged to Luke..I was unhappy..but at least my family was talking to me, at least I had a future, at least I had something..

I don't know what the right thing to do is. Carl just said "follow your heart"

What if my heart leads me to a dead end?

I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of some crappy show like "Dawsons Creek"..(and that's a REALLY bad show.) The difference is that everything doesn't get resolved and have a happy ending after 45 minutes.

It's odd though..as soon as I write it out, it feels less frightening and overwhelming.

Despite my hangover, I'm doing better than I was last night. Everything looks more clear. I'm a lot less emotional and more rational. That previous entry was embarrassing to look at this morning.

2005-08-16T04:36:00.000-04:00

Michael and I just had a fight.

Michael was at the bar tonight. I invited him back to my room after my shift and then I told him that Luke had come over and how he wanted to get back together.

Michael was silent. He did this thing where he clenched his jaw and didn't look at me. I just watched him closely, trying to read his expression. I have to remind myself that this is the man that had said: "I don't know how long I'm going to be around" "I can't offer you anything, I can't give you anything, I can't promise you a future" "I think we're moving too fast!"

"What do you want, Iris?" He finally asked me

I was quiet. "I don't know". Which wasn't entirely true. I wanted him to LOVE me, to say that he wanted to commit to me.

"Well, You need to figure that out then", He said. His voice was really cold.

He said nothing after that. I just sat there. I looked around the small room ..all the boxes..My life is a mess. My eyes filled with tears. I feel so lost. "Look at where I'm living, Michael!", I said finally "Look at my life.."

"Oh I see what this is about now. This isn't about love. This is about living in the Upper East side with Luke and attending dinner parties with his wealthy parents! This is about security, money, having everything taken care of. You want to be a princess!"

A princess????

At that point I was really upset "That's not fair..you don't know..you don't know how hard I struggle.."

"Well that's all going to change now, isn't it?", He walked out of the room and slammed the door.

I've just been sitting here crying. I have all these feelings for Michael and I don't even know if he feels them back. I don't even know if we're heading anywhere. I don't know if he's just going to hurt me next week and disappear. All he does he says how he can't give me anything and how scared he is!!

Now he's not even willing to talk to me about this! He just fucking walks out on me and slams the door on me!

He's really good at that!

Walking away!! The fucking coward prick!!!!!!!! Why don't you just fuck me again and than not call me for another week?!?!?!?

Alright, I've been drinking. That's all. I'll write again when my head is clear, I'm just a fucked up emotional mess right now. I don't know anymore..I don't know what marriage means, I don't know what love means, I don't know what I want, I just know that I'm hurting and I hate my life. It has to change, because I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

The pathetic thing is..if Michael came back right now and pushed me on the bed, I would willingly open my body for him and enjoy it. I desire him that much..I can't describe in words our physical attraction or what he does to me..It makes me shake and cry.

Tonight I'm going to get shitfaced

But tomorrow is going to be a new beginning, I'm going to turn it all around.