Saturday, December 30, 2006

Unforgiveable?

What do you do when you're attracted to your bestfriend's boyfriend?

It's early Saturday morning, I'm alone. Lisa is away for the weekend and I'm sitting at home feeling guilty. I hate this heavy sensation of regret that's lying on my chest. I could say that technically I didn't do anything, I could say that I'm innocent but I know in my heart I'm not. I know what I did was wrong...it's bothering me.

It started a number of months ago, the first time I saw Matthew

I can't describe the connection I felt with him. Maybe it was just a primal desire. It was a feeling of warmth that spread down my body and settled inbetween my legs. I involuntarily licked my lips, I realized this attraction and how it was coming through in my body language. I tried to curb it. Ignore it. Play it cool.

He gazed at me and I gazed back. He smiled and I flushed. Just from this first meeting. He has dark hair, green eyes.. He's tall, lean with a nice amount of muscle tone.

He's 27. Lisa had been dating him for a week before I first met him.

After he left, she talked non-stop about how much she liked him, how this time it's "for real". How great the sex was with them. How wonderfully he kisses. She didn't spare any details. She sat with me and told me everything. Details that made the heat rise to my face with slight embarrassment and yet I didn't want her to stop because it was turning me on.

But I never acted on these feelings. Never. I respected their relationship. She's my bestfriend.

But it tortures me. I was dating someone else and yet I kept looking at Matthew and Lisa. I watched them kiss, I watched the way his hand traveled down her back and into her pants. I watched them move against eachother.

I want what she has, I want that passion and fire.

When Lisa isn't around, We kind of flirt. Not outright flirting but subtle.

We crossed the line last week. I know we did. Nothing happened, but we did...

Lisa went out for a beer run and to do some grocery shopping. I stayed in the house with Matthew. I took a shower and came out of the room with only a small towel wrapped around my body.

I let my wet hair fall over my face and I leaned against the counter. He just watched me. I felt like my entire body was on fire. I pulled myself up onto the counter top, so I was sitting. He didn't say a word. He just watched.

Then I opened my legs.

I gave him a full view. Just doing THAT made me so turned on. I knew he saw how open I was, How much I wanted him. ..

I saw the bulge in his pants. I saw his breath get caught in his throat.

Then I realized what I was doing and I stopped. I slid off the counter and went back into the bathroom. I felt guilt, but more turned on... I let my body slide against the door while I ...

I heard him. I heard him masturbating on the other side of the door. I knew what he was doing. He knew what I was doing.

Then I started crying.

I got dressed and left the apartment before Lisa could return and see the guilt on my face.

I've barely spoken to her since then.

Is it forgiveable? Would you forgive your friend if she did this to you with your boyfriend? Would you understand? What if your friend told you she was falling in love with him... told you she was so sorry... told him that she was hurting just as badly.

I love Lisa. She's the closest friend I have in the world right now.

I can't believe I did this. I make myself sick.

I just needed to get this out. Somehow writing about this helps. It's out there now. If she finds this fine. I can't let this eat me up anymore. This is my place to vent and it took me a week to build up the courage to do it.
posted by Iris at 7:17 AM | link

Friday, December 22, 2006

Still alive

Believe it or not, Im still alive.

I just haven't had the urge to write in my diary. My life has been so chaotic and busy once I started college. I'm juggling my classes and two jobs. I feel like I don't have time to breath.

I'm on Christmas break from school now and Lisa is away visiting her family out of state. I have the whole house to myself for an entire week.

There is a lot happening in my life...

This could be a long catch up entry because it's been a few months but I'm going to skip all that. I'll just sum it up.

Going to school, Still living with Lisa, Still hanging out with Jonas. (as friends). I see paul sometimes too.

Slept with a guy named Jonathan for 2 months. I met him in my psychology class.

We broke up 3 weeks ago. To be honest, the sex was awkward. There was so much fumbling and we didn't spoon well. He shifted in his sleep all the time and had frequent nightmares. We were the same age and that felt weird because I'm used to older men.

There is something else going on right now. Something I thought I was going to write about now, but I've had a few drinks tonight and I'm not feeling up to opening up about this yet. It's complex.

I'll write about it next week. I'm going home to spend christmas with my mother and sister. I'll be back on Tuesday.

Merry Christmas.
posted by Iris at 6:46 PM | link