Tuesday, August 01, 2006


"He looks like my father!"

That's the first thought that crossed my mind when I saw Richard.

He was standing near the bar in a casual suit. He looked italian with a full head of dark hair and a nice smile. I haven't seen my father much since his divorce with my mother but he had such a strong resemblance. It put me at ease immediately. He was talking with a middle aged slightly balding irish-looking man with blond hair in a similar suit.

Lisa and I were hanging out together at the other side of the lounge room. I felt more sexy than I usually do. My hair was pulled up in a chigon and I was wearing a black dress I had snagged on clearance at Jones New York. I felt mature and sophisticated in this setting. It was strange and hard to describe. Lisa had a different posture too, she was standing up straight with her chest pushed out. She kept tossing her hair past her shoulder and smiling elusively around the room.

She was the one that had pointed Richard out for me. She was checking out the Irish-looking friend. We smiled at them and they smiled back. I looked down nervously. I never checked out a man so much older than me. It felt kind of forbidden and out of character.

It didn't take long until they approached us and offered to buy us a drink. It was different than encounters I usually have with guys my age in a night club. There wasn't the nervous small talk and the humor. It was more direct with a lot of eye contact. Richard put his hand on the small of my back while he led me to the bar. I glanced over at Lisa and she was already hitting on his friend.

I drank a lot of cocktails and listened to Richard tell me about his job. I could tell by his watch that he was wealthy and I loved the smell of his aftershave. I liked the way his eyes wrinkled in the corners when he laughed. I was a little nervous and didn't say much. At one point I realized Lisa wasn't beside me. I searched the room and saw that she was kissing the other guy. I was surprised at how fast she moved because I wasn't at that stage at all. I felt sort of abandoned and a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Then Lisa pinched my arm and whispered "I'm leaving with Jon, are you okay?"

I wanted to grab her arm and hiss "NO! don't go! wait for me..." But instead I just nodded and tried to save face. I'm an adult, I'm not a 10 year old girl.

Somehow I ended up returning to Richard's apartment. When i say "somehow", I really MEAN somehow. I don't clearly remember the events leading up to it. I was drunk and kind of giggly. I felt like since he was older, he would take care of me. I remember walking around his apartment... I looked at the artwork.. I strolled around the big stainless steel kitchen and I glanced at the big screen television.

We ended up in his bedroom, I fell on his bed. (it was so big and soft) I whispered that I don't usually do stuff like this or go home with strangers. I cuddled up on the bed. He asked if I wanted to stay the night. I nodded with my eyes closed but told him I didn't have any pajamas.

He said he had some and asked me "Do you want me to help you get undressed?". I just nodded again.

He did it so slow and carefully. He slipped off my heels and pulled my stockings down over my thighs...I lay there smiling. He rolled me over and unzipped my dress. I wiggled out of it. He ran his hands over my body for a moment.. he told me I was beautiful. It felt really good...

He asked if I wanted my bra off, I hesitated. Then I let him unsnap the back..he cupped my breasts in his hands, He stared at me..but then he stopped. He pulled an oversized shirt out of his closet and slid it over my head. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed still in his business suit. I climbed on his lap and playfully kissed his cheek and his neck. I felt his erection through his pants...I felt so turned on.

But the dizziness kind of took over and I had to lay down again. He tucked me in. Then he lay beside me. He didn't do anything more than stroke my nipples through the fabric and slide his fingers over the front of my panties. Then I fell asleep.

I can't believe I'm writing all this. I'm not ashamed of what happened, it was exciting and new for me. I enjoyed it. I felt kind of disoriented when I woke up though. It's always strange to wake up in a foreign place.

We had breakfast and he drove me home in the afternoon. He gave me his business card with his home phone number on it. He asked me to call him because he wants to see me again.

I can't really describe how I feel about what happened this weekend. It's just different and I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I wonder if I should call Richard. Part of me wants to but part of me is afraid. He's 41. The age difference shouldn't matter... it doesn't really. I felt like it moved really fast and I'm not used to that.

One minute I was crushing for Jonas and the next I'm climbing into bed with a strange man I don't even know. It's not like me, that's all. Lisa and I are closer now. Somehow the experience was kind of bonding. I feel like we did something naughty together and we talked about it when I returned. She had slept with Jon (the irish guy) and she described it in lurid details while eating her ramen noodles. I feel like Lisa is bringing out a new side of me and helping me build up my confidence again.

I'm not sitting at home at night anymore drinking alone and crying about how desperate I feel. It's a nice change.

I guess the question I have to ask myself is... Should I call Richard?. Jonas called a lot this weekend and we talked, laughed and joked on the phone. I enjoy our friendship and he still makes butterflies flutter in my stomach. I didn't tell him about Richard because it doesn't seem necessary. We're not dating, we're just friends. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
posted by Iris at 9:46 AM