Friday, August 18, 2006

horrible week

My health is back but this has been a terrible week for me.

1. I lost my job at the Deli. I had to take off for a week and a half because I was too sick to get out of bed. I had explained the situation and I had a note from the doctor. I was also hospitalized for a short time and I had proof of that as well. I knew they were going to hire someone new temporarily to fill in for me. It's a small family-owned deli.

I was surprised when I came into work on Wednesday and saw a tan blond teenager behind the counter. My boss's wife led me into the backroom.

She basically said "I'm really sorry, Iris. We're going to keep Kelly on and let you go. She is a good employee and she is willing to work full time. You were going to cut your hours to only weekends once school started anyway. We need someone reliable. I'm really sorry, sweetie."

2. I had to kiss my boss to keep my job at the bar - I was planning on starting work again on Tuesday, but I was still too weak. I had to call in sick...again. Lisa informed me that my job was hanging by a thread and they were thinking of replacing me.

Wednesday night, I still felt lighthead and my body felt drained. I had to keep leaning against the wall during my night shift. The room tilted a few times and I started seeing grains floating in my vision.

My boss pulled me into his office. He started lecturing me again. Drunk as usual.

At this point I couldn't let him fire me. I would be left entirely jobless with no income.

I moved up close to him while he was talking, and stroked the corner of his collar. I kind of let my body fall against his, just the smallest amount. I was just so desperate and scared.

"I need this job to survive right now", I whispered. "What do I have to do to keep it?"

He smiled and put his hand on my hip, pushing me against him. "You can show me a little love. Let me know how committed you really are to this job. Your work performance doesn't demonstrate that"

I closed my eyes tightly and forced myself to kiss him. His lips were wet, flabby, loose, and he tasted like vodka. He tried to push his tongue inbetween my lips, I stopped it from entering by keeping my jaw shut...his tongue just ended up pushing against my teeth. He squeezed my butt tightly with his hand and He grinded my body against the hard on. I could feel it through the fabric of his ugly slacks and I wanted to vomit. I could actually feel the bile moving up my throat.

I made myself moan slightly and then pulled away. I looked down, willing myself not to cry. My first impulse was to cry. I felt sick. What I had done made me hate myself, it made me feel weak and pitiful. I had no choice.

He rubbed against the crotch of his slacks. It was a drunken move. He smiled. "Alright get back to work."

I shuffled out of the office, I felt so low at that moment. I can't describe it in words. I just wanted to end my life.

This is what I've become? I'm willing to do anything to hold on to a shitty bartending job because I desperately need to cash to survive?

This isn't the life I imagined. This is nothing like I imagined. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what I've come to.

I told Lisa about it and she just wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "I would have done the same thing. We do foolish things when we're pushed into a corner. The man is a complete pervert and prick. He got his jollies off and you kept your job. It happened. You can't take it back, so just let it go"

I know if I told Stacey, she would direct me to a sexual harrassment lawyer. Which is what I SHOULD do... but I'm sure my boss would turn it around on me.

I'm tired. More things have happened this week, but I don't have the desire to get into it. I just feel really finished right now.

This illness has taken so much out of me.
posted by Iris at 3:48 PM