Friday, August 18, 2006

horrible week

My health is back but this has been a terrible week for me.

1. I lost my job at the Deli. I had to take off for a week and a half because I was too sick to get out of bed. I had explained the situation and I had a note from the doctor. I was also hospitalized for a short time and I had proof of that as well. I knew they were going to hire someone new temporarily to fill in for me. It's a small family-owned deli.

I was surprised when I came into work on Wednesday and saw a tan blond teenager behind the counter. My boss's wife led me into the backroom.

She basically said "I'm really sorry, Iris. We're going to keep Kelly on and let you go. She is a good employee and she is willing to work full time. You were going to cut your hours to only weekends once school started anyway. We need someone reliable. I'm really sorry, sweetie."

2. I had to kiss my boss to keep my job at the bar - I was planning on starting work again on Tuesday, but I was still too weak. I had to call in sick...again. Lisa informed me that my job was hanging by a thread and they were thinking of replacing me.

Wednesday night, I still felt lighthead and my body felt drained. I had to keep leaning against the wall during my night shift. The room tilted a few times and I started seeing grains floating in my vision.

My boss pulled me into his office. He started lecturing me again. Drunk as usual.

At this point I couldn't let him fire me. I would be left entirely jobless with no income.

I moved up close to him while he was talking, and stroked the corner of his collar. I kind of let my body fall against his, just the smallest amount. I was just so desperate and scared.

"I need this job to survive right now", I whispered. "What do I have to do to keep it?"

He smiled and put his hand on my hip, pushing me against him. "You can show me a little love. Let me know how committed you really are to this job. Your work performance doesn't demonstrate that"

I closed my eyes tightly and forced myself to kiss him. His lips were wet, flabby, loose, and he tasted like vodka. He tried to push his tongue inbetween my lips, I stopped it from entering by keeping my jaw shut...his tongue just ended up pushing against my teeth. He squeezed my butt tightly with his hand and He grinded my body against the hard on. I could feel it through the fabric of his ugly slacks and I wanted to vomit. I could actually feel the bile moving up my throat.

I made myself moan slightly and then pulled away. I looked down, willing myself not to cry. My first impulse was to cry. I felt sick. What I had done made me hate myself, it made me feel weak and pitiful. I had no choice.

He rubbed against the crotch of his slacks. It was a drunken move. He smiled. "Alright get back to work."

I shuffled out of the office, I felt so low at that moment. I can't describe it in words. I just wanted to end my life.

This is what I've become? I'm willing to do anything to hold on to a shitty bartending job because I desperately need to cash to survive?

This isn't the life I imagined. This is nothing like I imagined. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what I've come to.

I told Lisa about it and she just wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "I would have done the same thing. We do foolish things when we're pushed into a corner. The man is a complete pervert and prick. He got his jollies off and you kept your job. It happened. You can't take it back, so just let it go"

I know if I told Stacey, she would direct me to a sexual harrassment lawyer. Which is what I SHOULD do... but I'm sure my boss would turn it around on me.

I'm tired. More things have happened this week, but I don't have the desire to get into it. I just feel really finished right now.

This illness has taken so much out of me.
posted by Iris at 3:48 PM | link

Sunday, August 13, 2006

an update

I'm still sick, I've missed so much work.. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and I was tested for Mono, Epstein-bar and CMV... After a lot of blood tests, I came up clean. Apparently it's just a particularly bad strain of influenza.

It also turns out that I have anemia. I have to start taking prescription iron tablets daily...

I'm still weak. I was so sick at one point on Wednesday, I was taken to the hospital to have my fever reduced. I don't remember any of it. Most of my week was spent in bed. It's all a blur, a sweaty haze.

I'm doing better than I was before. I can sit up and eat soup. Before I was just drinking liquids. I lost some weight.

Jonas has been by my side through all of this. Lisa has been great too.

I'm just updating to say that I'm not dead. I told my boss I'd be back in work on Monday. i have to pull myself together. I'm too tired to type anymore about this right now.
posted by Iris at 8:56 PM | link

Monday, August 07, 2006

still sick

This flu is knocking the life out of me. I'm still sick. I feel dizzy and disoriented from these painkillers that lisa gave me. I missed 3 days of work. I feel like gravity is working against me and I'm trying to push against the air. I can't stomach anything.

I should probably go to the doctor on tuesday if this doesn't go away I can't live like this
posted by Iris at 3:43 AM | link

Thursday, August 03, 2006

sick day

I haven't eaten all day and I called off sick from work this morning. I've come down with a strain of the flu. It started yesterday. I nearly passed out behind the counter at the deli and later on at the bar, I had to keep leaning against the wall. My body felt weak and my head was pounding.

Right now every joint aches, I can't keep anything down. I have a fever and my neck is stiff. I feel like my body is a huge bruise.

I've been tossing and turning in bed all day. We don't have an air conditioner, so I've been melting ice cubes on my body to stay cool. I can't wear anything because it feels constricting. I keep pulling the blankets over me and then tearing them off. I can't make myself comfortable. I hate this.

Jonas came over this afternoon. He wiped my forehead, gave me cold water and talked with me. We watched a movie together and he just left. He was so sweet and loving. I know from my reflection that I have no color in my lips and gray circles around my eyes. My hair is tangled. I look like death today.

I didn't call Richard, I don't know if I will. I don't know how I feel about anything or anyone right now. I just need to lay back down and sleep. I hate this. I left the bar early yesterday and I can't afford to take off again tonight. We're short staffed but I can barely even stand. I don't want to get fired. Lisa promised to explain everything to my boss.

I wish life wasn't like this. I'm tired of working so hard. I'm tired of feeling so confused all the time and lost. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand and guide me. Someone to take the burden off for a while so I can really rest. Someone to tell me its gonna be all right.

I'm so tired.
posted by Iris at 7:55 PM | link

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Richard

"He looks like my father!"

That's the first thought that crossed my mind when I saw Richard.

He was standing near the bar in a casual suit. He looked italian with a full head of dark hair and a nice smile. I haven't seen my father much since his divorce with my mother but he had such a strong resemblance. It put me at ease immediately. He was talking with a middle aged slightly balding irish-looking man with blond hair in a similar suit.

Lisa and I were hanging out together at the other side of the lounge room. I felt more sexy than I usually do. My hair was pulled up in a chigon and I was wearing a black dress I had snagged on clearance at Jones New York. I felt mature and sophisticated in this setting. It was strange and hard to describe. Lisa had a different posture too, she was standing up straight with her chest pushed out. She kept tossing her hair past her shoulder and smiling elusively around the room.

She was the one that had pointed Richard out for me. She was checking out the Irish-looking friend. We smiled at them and they smiled back. I looked down nervously. I never checked out a man so much older than me. It felt kind of forbidden and out of character.

It didn't take long until they approached us and offered to buy us a drink. It was different than encounters I usually have with guys my age in a night club. There wasn't the nervous small talk and the humor. It was more direct with a lot of eye contact. Richard put his hand on the small of my back while he led me to the bar. I glanced over at Lisa and she was already hitting on his friend.

I drank a lot of cocktails and listened to Richard tell me about his job. I could tell by his watch that he was wealthy and I loved the smell of his aftershave. I liked the way his eyes wrinkled in the corners when he laughed. I was a little nervous and didn't say much. At one point I realized Lisa wasn't beside me. I searched the room and saw that she was kissing the other guy. I was surprised at how fast she moved because I wasn't at that stage at all. I felt sort of abandoned and a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Then Lisa pinched my arm and whispered "I'm leaving with Jon, are you okay?"

I wanted to grab her arm and hiss "NO! don't go! wait for me..." But instead I just nodded and tried to save face. I'm an adult, I'm not a 10 year old girl.

Somehow I ended up returning to Richard's apartment. When i say "somehow", I really MEAN somehow. I don't clearly remember the events leading up to it. I was drunk and kind of giggly. I felt like since he was older, he would take care of me. I remember walking around his apartment... I looked at the artwork.. I strolled around the big stainless steel kitchen and I glanced at the big screen television.

We ended up in his bedroom, I fell on his bed. (it was so big and soft) I whispered that I don't usually do stuff like this or go home with strangers. I cuddled up on the bed. He asked if I wanted to stay the night. I nodded with my eyes closed but told him I didn't have any pajamas.

He said he had some and asked me "Do you want me to help you get undressed?". I just nodded again.

He did it so slow and carefully. He slipped off my heels and pulled my stockings down over my thighs...I lay there smiling. He rolled me over and unzipped my dress. I wiggled out of it. He ran his hands over my body for a moment.. he told me I was beautiful. It felt really good...

He asked if I wanted my bra off, I hesitated. Then I let him unsnap the back..he cupped my breasts in his hands, He stared at me..but then he stopped. He pulled an oversized shirt out of his closet and slid it over my head. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed still in his business suit. I climbed on his lap and playfully kissed his cheek and his neck. I felt his erection through his pants...I felt so turned on.

But the dizziness kind of took over and I had to lay down again. He tucked me in. Then he lay beside me. He didn't do anything more than stroke my nipples through the fabric and slide his fingers over the front of my panties. Then I fell asleep.

I can't believe I'm writing all this. I'm not ashamed of what happened, it was exciting and new for me. I enjoyed it. I felt kind of disoriented when I woke up though. It's always strange to wake up in a foreign place.

We had breakfast and he drove me home in the afternoon. He gave me his business card with his home phone number on it. He asked me to call him because he wants to see me again.

I can't really describe how I feel about what happened this weekend. It's just different and I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I wonder if I should call Richard. Part of me wants to but part of me is afraid. He's 41. The age difference shouldn't matter... it doesn't really. I felt like it moved really fast and I'm not used to that.

One minute I was crushing for Jonas and the next I'm climbing into bed with a strange man I don't even know. It's not like me, that's all. Lisa and I are closer now. Somehow the experience was kind of bonding. I feel like we did something naughty together and we talked about it when I returned. She had slept with Jon (the irish guy) and she described it in lurid details while eating her ramen noodles. I feel like Lisa is bringing out a new side of me and helping me build up my confidence again.

I'm not sitting at home at night anymore drinking alone and crying about how desperate I feel. It's a nice change.

I guess the question I have to ask myself is... Should I call Richard?. Jonas called a lot this weekend and we talked, laughed and joked on the phone. I enjoy our friendship and he still makes butterflies flutter in my stomach. I didn't tell him about Richard because it doesn't seem necessary. We're not dating, we're just friends. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
posted by Iris at 9:46 AM | link