Monday, July 10, 2006

"Just friends"

What do you do when someone says they want to be "Just friends" and you want more than that? How do you adjust to that when you feel so disappointed inside?

Jonas and I got together last night to see his friend perform with his band at a night club in the area. We drank a lot..

During the performance, He put his hand over mine and his leg brushed against mine under the table. I was so nervous, I was just trying to stop my legs from trembling. He has this affect on me where I feel like I lose all control. I can't even verbalize it.

Afterwards we met up with his friend for a drink and then walked home towards my apartment.

We were standing on the steps in front of the front door, and I leaned against him slightly because I was drunk. I could smell his aftershave and I liked the feel of his cheek against mine. He steadied me with his hand on my lowerback and I gazed up at him.

"I really like you" I wish I hadn't said it. It just slipped out, It was the alcohol talking.

"I like you too" was his response "I like you a lot"

"So what are we going to do about that?", I whispered.

"Build a friendship", He said. "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"

"I know...I just meant.." I straightened up and pulled away from him.

"No, it's just that.."

"It's okay, I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I'm not.. I'm just.." I can't remember exactly what I said back. It was awkward and the room was spinning.

He stared at me, like he was trying to read me. I felt vulnerable and exposed, foolish all of a sudden.

I fumbled for my keys and told him I had to go. Then I turned my back on him and went inside.

I feel like an idiot. The night was perfect, but everytime I think of the last few minutes..I just cringe. I always manage to screw up a good thing by moving too fast and wanting too much.
posted by Iris at 4:44 PM