Wednesday, July 26, 2006

horrible night

There is nothing more painful than having to confront aspects of your past that you pushed behind you and didn't want to even think about.

I realize sometimes it's necessary, it's just emotionally draining and upsetting.

Lisa and I went out last night. It's the second night in a row, she's a lot of fun to party with. It's hard to keep up with her. Her circle of friends keeps expanding and she brings me a long for the ride. I feel like I actually have a life now...

We were taking shots together and she had urged me to lay down on the bar, pull up my shirt slightly and have this guy, Dave eat a cherry out of my bellybutton. (Don't ask) That's when my cellphone rang and it was Luke.

He sounded upset and he said he needed to talk to me. I was drunk and cheerful. I told him to come on over to the pub and meet my friends. He told me he'd be there in five minutes.

When Luke arrived, I jumped in his arms and hugged him. I can't remember why I thought it was okay to do this. It was like my brain just blocked out the fact that he was my ex. My brain blocked out our intimate chat conversation from Sunday night. I just shut it out and was stupid.
I get like that after a few drinks. Alcohol can be an escape for me and a way to push all my problems away.

Luke pulled me to a quiet corner and started asking me all these questions. "What was that chat conversation about? I feel guilty for doing that with you... I don't know what this means. I still have some feelings for you but I'm engaged to be married... Why did you come back into my life right now? What do you want from me?" He was actually trembling.

I felt horrible and I started shaking my head "No.. I don't want anything. I was just lonely and I thought I would say "hello"... it didn't actually MEAN anything... I didn't want to break up your engagement. We were just having a good time, right? We were just chatting..."

That's when he started crying "That's your idea of a good time? Fucking around with me again? Is that a fun game for you? DO you have any idea how much you hurt me? You destroyed me. I had planned my life around you. You broke off our engagement last minute and left me for someone else. Have you ever stopped to contemplate how totally FUCKED UP that was?! Are you even capable of feeling guilt?"

That's when I started crying. I can't even describe how low I felt. Yes I felt guilt, Yes I felt like shit. I've pushed the entire incident into my subconscious and I don't bring it up. I know I handled that situation wrong and I know I made a mistake. It was a year ago though. All I could say was "I'm sorry, Luke.. I'm so sorry"

He slammed the spot on the wall above my shoulder with his fist. I jumped and then he just walked away from me.

I couldn't stop crying and Lisa found me leaning against the wall. She pulled me up and urged me to drink more. She kept saying "Fuck him. He's a loser."

I started explaining the whole story. She just said "Iris, you knew him for a couple of months before you got engaged. You barely knew the guy so of course you weren't ready to get married. It wasn't the right time and you were honest with yourself" and then she went on to say "Plus, He is engaged again NOW to someone else?? He probably gets engaged once a year. That's not even normal, fuck him"

On one hand, Lisa had a good point. Luke had rushed into an engagement with me and I wasn't ready. How many people get married after only knowing eachother for a few months?? but on the other hand, I hurt him. I can't deny what I did or try to rationalize it.

Last night was horrible. I cried a lot and drank a lot. My head is pounding right now and I can't even think clearly. I have this annoying throbbing behind my eyes again. Lisa is still sleeping. I can't fall back to sleep but I don't have the energy to get dressed. I might call off sick from my morning shift at the deli and just crawl up into a ball.

I don't like myself again. It took me a while to reach a point where I could rebuild my self-esteem, my confidence and a feeling of self-worth. I feel like a nothing right now. I just cause people pain. I keep thinking of what Luke said to me last night.

I hate feeling like this inside. I can't change the past and my existance is just filled with regret.
posted by Iris at 8:40 AM