Friday, July 14, 2006

Getting back on track

I'm feeling much better today.

Jonas spent the night.

Nothing happened last night. It was entirely innocent.

He came over at 8 p.m. We went out to see "Superman Returns" (This new superman can't compare to the late Christopher Reeves in my opinion) and then went out to eat. We came back to my apartment for a few drinks. This was the first time I let him in. I felt a little self-conscious because of how bare my apartment is.

There's just a futon pushed against the wall, a shelf with my small television in the corner. A box with my laptop propped on it next to the window. A bookshelf with a few books. There's the kitchen and the bathroom.

"I don't have much, I just moved in last month", I explained.

"You don't need much in life. People tend to just collect a lot of pointless shit", Jonas said "I like your apartment"

What I like about Jonas is how laid back he is. He's just so real and down to earth. I like how his hair falls over his face when he leans over. I like his clear eyes and his jaw line. He has a grungy look to him, this kind of "kurt Cobain" quality that brings back desires from my early adolescence in the late 90's

We drank together and shared a cigarette. The more we drank, the more relaxed I felt and the more loose my tongue became. I started sharing too much and it scared me. He listened so intently, like he was absorbing each word I said. At one point when I was talking about my childhood with my mother, he put his hand over mine.

I pulled back from him. I suddenly felt this irrational fear that if I got too drunk he would take advantage of me. That I would end up lying on my back with my skirt pulled up. What makes him different from any other guy. I felt foolish for having him over. I felt scared.

He asked me what was wrong and I started crying. Then I started crying because I was crying. I knew that made me look like an emotional basketcase.

He asked me if it was something he did and for me to open up about what was upsetting me.

I just started blabbering "No, I'm just afraid, Something happened. I can't open up to you. I can't trust anyone anymore"

"You can trust me. Come here" He rubbed my shoulder and urged me to lay down. Then he rested next to me. He pulled me against him. He felt so warm and I felt myself shaking because I didn't know where this was going and if I wanted it to go there anymore. Last week I did, but now I don't know.

But he just held me and stroked my hair. We lay there in bed with our clothing on just talking. I fell asleep in his arms. It was the most beautiful feeling. I feel safe with him, in a way I haven't felt in a long long time.

At 6:30 he shook me awake gently. "I have to go to work", He whispered. "I'll call you". He kissed my forehead and he left.

I fell back to sleep happy. All day I felt good. He called me in the afternoon and we talked for a while. I'm going to see him tomorrow. We're going to go to the beach again.

He wanted to get together again tonight but Lisa should be coming over soon with her boxes. I'm waiting for a phone call from her.

I feel myself relaxing with Jonas. I'm less anxious about everything after last night. I feel like I can grow to trust him and that this relationship can become something really special.

I have to drink less though. Alot of the problems I face in life could be avoided if I would just lay off the alcohol. I need to be clearheaded. I will be less a victim of circumstance and more in control of my life. Half of the entries in this diary were written after a few drinks. It allows me to open up but at the same time I become hopeless, angsty, frightened, and chaotic. I'm not as careless and stupid as I come off. I show my worst and darkest sides. All the fears I hide from those around me get poured into this. All my mistakes, secrets, regrets, desires and struggles.

I have the potential within me to shape up. I know this. My life isn't always going to be like this. It's that belief that keeps me going.

Deleting the previous entry helped me let go of the past. Fuck him. Nothing he can do to me will change the way I see myself. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm moving past it.
posted by Iris at 6:02 PM