Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A crap day

My sister came over this afternoon.

It was strange seeing her at my new apartment. I don't even know how she got the address. She stood there awkwardly clutching her expensive handbag. I let her in and she clicked by me in her high-heels. Sometimes it amazes me that we're related at all. We don't even look similar. I'm betting she even goes to my mother's hair salon. I wish I had a sister that was remotely like me. Someone that I could really bond with and that would stick up for me.

She looked around my flat and all I felt was judgment from her. I don't know why it bothers me, she doesn't mean anything to me. If we were strangers on the street, we wouldn't talk at all.

So then she starts making small talk. we sit down together at the stools next to the counter Island. The whole time I was just wondering what she was doing here and what she wanted from me.

Then she began to whine. "Iris, We've been trying for a baby for over a year. I think I'm infertile. He (her husband) is so disappointed in me. It's messing up our marriage. I want a little baby so bad and I'm thinking of going to an infertility clinic."

I just stared at her while she spoke. I couldn't figure out why she was telling me this. Where was she when I was put in the hospital? Where was she after my break up with Luke? After my break up with Michael? Where was she when I hit rock bottom and I was utterly alone? I couldn't come to her. Now she expects me to drop everything and be her therapist while she cries about her "supposed infertility". I wish not being able to pop out a kid right away was my biggest problem in life.

The sad thing is: She and I used to be close. As children we played barbies together, built blanket forts and confided in eachother. She would dress me up and put make up on me. We would pose in front of my mother's full-length closet mirror. But after my parents got divorced, she changed. Suddenly she was Mom's little henchman. She was distant and entirely involved in being "the model straight A student" "the perfect cheerleader" "the college bound prodigy" "the beautiful one". She started judging me with my mother and she used the bible as a weapon against my lifestyle.

So all I could muster up in response to her tearful confession. (If you can even call it that) was "I'm really sorry"

I think she sensed my insincerity because her expression hardened and she went off on me again. "You know, You're killing Mom. She worries sick about you. Why don't you call her once and a while? Why don't you just TRY? Why do you always have to go against her and hurt her? It's like you just don't give a shit about our family. You know that Mom is hurting, yet you persist in being like this. Living like this. ...etc. ..etc"

Lisa came in during her lecture. She was wearing a bikini with a towel wrapped around her waist. She had a guy with dark hair behind her. A guy I've never seen before. The way she stumbled and giggled was a clear indication that she was pretty drunk -- In the middle of the day. When I introduced her to my sister, she screamed and hugged her "Oh my god! Iris's Sis! Hey!!... then she turned to me and added "I didn't even know you had a sister!"

At that point my sister excused herself and left. Lisa thought this was hysterical and started asking if she said something wrong. I didn't like the way the guy she was with was scoping out our flat. I imagined him stealing everything we owned or something. (paranoid, much?)

I felt like I had no control. I can't explain the feeling. It was just this heaviness on my chest. Lisa and the guy were messing around in the kitchen and whispering things to eachother. I could see that there was sexual tension between them and she wanted me to leave. She obviously wanted "private time" with this guy.

So I unplugged my laptop, packed it up and told her I was going to Starbucks. Which is where I am now. I called Jonas to see if he would join me. But I just got his voice mail I've been here for about 2 hours now, so I'll save this in a word doc and post it later when I have the time. It's getting late and I need to eat dinner.

Another crappy day of my life.
posted by Iris at 8:09 PM