Friday, July 28, 2006

Beginnings and endings

I think I should stop keeping this diary once I start college. This thought just came to me. It might be time.

My life is changing rapidly and the idea of one of my classmates discovering this kind of scares me. He or she would have a full glimpse of my private thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes and my struggles. It's just too intimate.

One of the pluses of going to college is that I'll be starting off in a new environment with a clean slate. It will be a fresh beginning and no one there will know who I am. No one will know my past. I can re-invent myself. I can be confident, self-assured, and happy. All of what I used to be can be brushed away and forgotten. This is something that I need.

On the other hand, I've been writing in this diary for a long time and it helps me. I put everything I feel down in writing and reflect on it later. I can look back at the events that occured and see my mistakes in black and white. Before that, everything was just a blur. Now I can remember where I was 5 weeks ago, 4 months ago or a year ago.

I've changed a lot in the past year and a half. I can see that when I look back at my first entries.

I'll see how I feel when I start school. The first class is on August 30th. Orientation begins on the 28th. I told my boss at the deli that I would have to cut my hours to weekend only. He was really understanding and actually congratulated me.

Jonas and I are meeting for a date in one hour. I really shouldn't call this "Dating" anymore. It's pretty clear that he wants to be just friends. It's time for me to surrender the fantasy that it could be or ever will be anything more than that. I love our friendship and I'm growing really close to him. I feel like I can trust him and I feel so safe. This is the first time I've had a male friend and it didn't lead to sex. (except for Carl, But he's gay...) I've resolved to enjoy the connection I have with Jonas and stop wanting more than that.

Lisa is watching "9 and 1/2 weeks" right now. (her favorite movie -- this is the second time we've seen it this week) It's intensely erotic and everytime I view certain scene heat rises up to my face, I have to shift in my seat. I wonder if I'm the only one that has that reaction. On Saturday Lisa is taking me out to meet an OLDER MAN. She can gain access to a nice classy after hours club for a more "mature crowd". We're going to go clothes shopping before hand. I want to get a sexy outfit and she offered to style my hair.

I'm both excited and nervous about Saturday night. It will be an entirely new experience for me, I hope this place is as "great" as Lisa claims it is. I hope I don't stick out like a sore thumb and feel out of place.

or worse... get kicked out.
posted by Iris at 8:08 PM