Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Beach

I just got back from a fourth of July party at Carl's house. I'm happy to see that I have wireless internet connection again. I have to throw in an quick diary update. I couldn't get online for days. I should really pay for my own service instead of stealing my neighbors airwaves.

I'm so tired. I need to wash the eyeliner off my face and put down my hair. I want to take a long hot shower and unwind.

My mind is all over the place and there is so much to write about. I can't think straight.

On Saturday, Jonas and I went to the beach. The weather was beautiful and the day was amazing.

I never realized how naked you can feel in a bikini under a certain person's intense observation. It's like stripping down to your bra and panties in public. I felt a little self-conscious when I pulled my shirt over my head and slid my pants down my hips. The bathingsuit I chose exposes everything, especially when it gets wet.

We went into the water, even though it was cold. I laughed and shivered. He held my hand as we entered the water. I loved the feeling of his warm hand gripping mine. I didn't want him to let go. At one point, he pulled me close to go under a wave together.

Unfortunately part of my top came off, revealing my nipple and breast. He politely averted his eyes as I adjusted myself. My face was bright red. I wanted to die...

A wave caused me to brush up against him, I felt an erection in his trunks. It was a strangely intense moment. I wanted to push my body closer and kiss him. A wet trembling kiss in the water. I was so close to doing it, but I stopped myself. We have to take this slow.

The sexual tension was so thick. It overwhelmed me. I know he felt it too and it caused our conversation to come to a complete standstill. We struggled to get back on the playful track we had before. It took a few minutes.

That was the only awkward moment of the night. Afterwards, we lay on the beachblanket and dug our feet into the warm sand while talking about everything. The sun dried our bodies and a cool breeze pushed my hair into my face. I was happy. I felt at peace, at home.

It just felt right... everything. He feels right.

He dropped me off at home at 6 P.M. after we got a bite to eat. I wanted to invite him in, but I want so badly for this to be different from my past two relationships. If I invited him in, we would have had sex. I felt it and I know myself. I would have offered him a few drinks and gotten drunk. My inhibitions would be gone and I would have moved too fast and I DON'T want that this time. I want to really know him, I want him to know me.

He called me on Sunday. He said he was going to spend the Fourth of July at his grandparents Ranch upstate and that he would be back on Wednesday. We talked for a while and hung up.

I have to rid myself of all the fears I have inside. I fear that if I open up too much about myself, I'll scare him away. I'm holding back so much.

I'm too tired to get into all these emotions, I need to crash. I'll write more about this another time.

Happy 4th of July.
posted by Iris at 3:05 AM