Monday, July 24, 2006

Ashamed

I had two dates with Jonas this weekend. One on Saturday and one on Sunday.

We had a lot of fun. We laughed, joked around and had dinner together. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and most like myself.

The only problem is that I really like him. The more time I spend with him, the more I want a relationship with him. The sexual tension is there and the desire for closeness. I feel it on his end so strongly and he wont act on it.

We come so close... When he said goodbye yesterday afternoon, he kissed me on the forehead. Then his kissed me on the cheek... then his lips grazed over mine... only to move over to the other cheek. I felt like I could barely breath. He squeezed my hand tightly, looked into my eyes and said "good night"

I was so aroused afterwards, I didn't even know what to do with myself. Lisa was out for the night with this guy that she's seeing and she told me that she would most likely crash at his apartment. I was alone.

I paced around feeling sexual frustration and wanting more. I picked up the phone to call Jonas and express these feelings but I just put it back on the receiver without dialing the numbers. I want this to be different. I like him too much to screw it up.

So I went online and Luke was signed in. For some reason I said "hello". I know chatting with an Ex is foolish, but I wasn't clearheaded. I was also drinking alone. I started opening up to him a bit, and he started telling me about his new fiance.

The conversation started edging into the danger zone. He made sexual suggestions and it turned me on. Next thing I knew I was pulling my shirt over my head and sliding my panties down over my thighs.

I've never done anything like that before. It's weird that we had no sexual chemistry in person at all, but in words...

It was different.

At 4 A.M., I started questioning my sanity.

Once I experienced a relief, I felt extreme guilt over what had happened. I closed my laptop and curled up in bed...I covered my face with my pillow.

On one hand, nothing happened. I mean, it's just words. Just an online chat conversation. We didn't touch eachother, it didn't mean anything. I'm not going to do it again and he's engaged to someone else. Is that cheating? Where do you draw the line?

I wonder how many people out there have done something like this and kept it a dirty secret. Is this something to be ashamed of or is it really no big deal? Is it really any different from reading a few paragraphs from an erotic novel and touching yourself? I don't know and it's bothering me...

I can't ignore the fact that he's engaged to be married and I feel ashamed. Why were we even chatting again in the first place?

posted by Iris at 3:58 PM