Tuesday, June 20, 2006

used

This isn't easy to write about.

I had sex with Michael again.

I hate myself right now.

He found out where I lived and came by at 2 AM. I was drunk and sitting on the windowsill when the doorbell rang. When I opened it and saw him, I started to cry. It was partly tears of anger and partly tears of defeat. I can't pin point the source of my tears. I was just an emotional mess.

I let him kiss me, push me onto the floor, pull up my skirt and enter me without protest. I allowed myself to get caught up in the passion of the moment because I was lonely, because I was filled with desire, because I wanted to escape again.

When it was over, I saw that he was high... I realized what had happened. I told him that he needed to leave. He asked to stay, I begged him to go. He asked me to come home to our old apartment. I told him I would think about it.

But it was only to make him leave.

I have no intention of going back.

I feel so sick.

Jonas never called. Why would he call a slut anyway? I'm so disgusted with myself. I don't feel like writing anymore about this. I need to take a shower to wash the smell of loveless sex off my body. I have a bruise on my shoulder and hipbone. Every part of me aches. He was too rough. I hate him. I hate myself.

It's 6:00 A.M. and I still haven't slept. I've just been sitting in the middle of the livingroom crying. I can't sleep. I'm taking off from work today. I don't feel like leaving the house.

posted by Iris at 6:15 AM