Thursday, June 29, 2006

Trying to escape the past

Why does the past keep creeping up on me the minute I start to feel like I've regained control over my life? Is it always going to be like this? Am I always going to feel overwhelmed, and confused?

I'm such a mess right now and I'm on the verge of doing something potentially stupid. Something I will regret tomorrow.

So I'm going to write in my diary instead.

I just spoke to Michael. He called and we were on the phone for about an hour. The first part of the phone call was basically just him trying to convince me to get back together with him. He tried a number of angles.

For example: "Stacey told me that you wanted to go to college. I know you can't afford to live alone in that apartment so move back in with me. I'll help you, I'll support you and you wont have any rent to pay. You left without explaining, lets try to make this work. Lets start again"

Another person offering to "help me" -- but there's always conditions involved.

I tried to explain to him how empty I was feeling, how much I hated his drug use, how I couldn't trust him and how I felt that he didn't truly love me.

That's when the conversation became more intense, confusing and complex for me

Michael started pouring out all these feelings.: "Iris, I do love you. I always loved you and I never stopped loving you"

"You're just saying that"

"I wanted you from the first moment I saw you. You honestly changed my life. "

I just sighed.

"It was never easy for me to say these things to you. I was afraid."

"I want to believe you, Michael...I just can't anymore. It's different now."

"It doesn't have to be. When we're together it just falls into place again. It just feels right. The last time I came over-"

"I don't want to talk about that. Please...It was a mistake..."

"But you wanted it. Iris, I saw it in your eyes. You were so wet, so open to me. You want this too. Just tell me you don't. Tell me that you want me entirely out of your life forever. I'll hang up right now. "

I started to cry. I couldn't stop myself from having that reaction. "Don't do this to me"

"Iris, Do you remember our first shower together?"

"yes" -- Of course I do. It was so amazing I even wrote about it in this diary (HERE) I had opened up myself for him and did something I had never done before. It was a defining moment for us. I was finally free to give myself entirely to him because I had ended my engagement. It was intense. Raw. Real. lust.

Just thinking of that made me want him again. It brings me back to another time and my body responds to simply the memory.

"I remember your lips trembling, your hair wet and your vulnerability. My God you were so beautiful in that moment. I loved you then and it never changed. I want to touch you like that again right now, Iris. I want to see you. "

I wanted to see him too. "No"

"I want to push you gently down on the bed, pull your shirt over your head and kiss your breasts. I want to slip my hands into your panties and feel-"

"Please, Michael.."

"I can come over right now. We don't have to rush this. We can take it slow. We wont do anything you don't want to do. We can just talk. I miss you so much right now, Iris. "

"I have to go, I'm sorry" Then I hung up the phone. I started crying again because I felt like my whole body was aching. It was a mixture of longing, desire and grief.

Right now I feel hot and bothered by the things he said to me. I sicken myself because even though my logical mind tells me not to go back to him, my body wants it. I'm tempted to let him into my life again.

I love him and I hate him. I need to take a cold shower and shake this arousal off. I have to be clearheaded again and remind myself of all the reasons I left him in the first place.

Typing this helped. I'm going to call Stacey and see if she wants to go out tonight. I have the night off and I need to get my mind off this.
posted by Iris at 8:22 AM