Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Passing notes

Yesterday morning I didn't go to work. I called off sick and slept in. I was feeling better in the afternoon and I went to my bartending job at night. It was a slow and depressing shift. Stacey said she's thinking about quitting her job. Her husband got a raise at his job and they don't need the income as much as they used to. We've been working together for years and she's my bestfriend. She makes this job bearable. I hope she doesn't leave. I know it's selfish of me feel this way.

Something MAJOR happened this morning though!

Jonas came to the Deli today.

His hair is longer and blonder than I remembered. he was wearing a faded gray shirt and blue jeans. It was such a shock to see him again. I had already written off the possibility of him showing up.

I looked like crap, was utterly hungover and down on myself. When I saw him enter the shop, I just froze. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't ready. I expected a phone call... a letter...

But a face to face encounter after that embarrassing note at 9 A.M?

It was too much.

I escaped into the backroom. I know he saw me but I didn't care. I bumped into my co-worker

"Could you take care of the next customer, I'm not feeling well. I need to go to the bathroom..."

She nodded and I escaped. I went into the small bathroom, leaned against the wall and took a deep breath.

When I came back out, Jonas was gone. My Co-worker handed me a piece of paper wordlessly and went into the backroom. She gave me a curious look, like she thought I was insane. I'm sure she's wondering what all this note passing between me and a customer is all about.

It was written on the blank side of the take-out menu. That means he must have scribbled it while he ordered his bagel at the counter. I opened it.

It read:

"Thanks for the note. It would be cool to hang out some time.

****his phone number****

Hope to hear from you

-Jonas"

Now it's in my ballpark. I wont call him tonight though. I have to wait. I feel oddly giddy, but also depressed about what happened with Michael. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I feel like I fell off the wagon and I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak. I'm ashamed at myself for opening that door and letting Michael in again. I had been so strong.

I'm weak. weak. weak.

I keep reading over his short note, tracing the writing with my finger..

How am I supposed to interpret what he wrote anyway? Maybe he was just being polite. I'm falling into the same obsessive track that I had with Michael. Falling for some stranger I don't even know. I'll just end up making the same mistakes as last time. I don't want that. I don't need a guy. I bet he has a girlfriend. What is the matter with me anyway? I can't believe I'm making such a big deal about this. I'm an adult.

Regardless, I'm in a better mood than yesterday. I'm struggling to keep the right perspective. Somehow this response from Jonas gave me hope. The real question is whether I'll call him or not.

Am I really ready for another relationship...with anyone?
posted by Iris at 4:37 PM