Tuesday, June 13, 2006

"Mommy dearest"

I finally called my mother after weeks of not speaking. It was one of those forced phone calls. You know..... when you KNOW you have to make the call, but you don't want to? So you pick up the phone..then put it down..then reluctantly pick it up again and dial the numbers?

The first thing she said to me was:

"Well, I have some news for you. You screwed up big time when you left Luke last year. It was the biggest mistake of your life. I bumped into Luke's mother at the grocery store on Friday. Do you know what she said?"

*note* She didn't even ask me how I was doing. THAT was her greeting.

I was quiet for a moment, trying to swallow the hurt I began to feel. I instantly regreted calling her, she just puts me down. "No..what?", I asked

"He's getting married"

It's weird, I didn't feel anything. "Well... I'm happy for him"

"Happy for him?! He offered you everything! He was perfect! You destroyed the one good thing you had going for you. I was never more embarrassed and disappointed with you... I don't even want to remember the shame you put on our family's name"

The family name?? What are we back in the 1800's??

"Instead you shacked up with that street Urchin, Are you still living with that piece of scum?"

("Street Urchin?" - who uses lame terms like that?) "If you mean Michael.. No I am not", I responded

"Where are you living then? With your crack dealer?"

"Mom I never did crack", I said "And no... I'm living in an apartment close to the Deli"

"Some roach infested crap hole?"

"No it's actually really nice.. It's..."

"Are you calling me because you need money?", My Mother asked cutting me off

"No.. I'm just saying Hi.."

"you haven't called me in a month..a month. I don't know whether you're dead or alive. When people asked about you, I didn't even know WHAT to say. Do you have any intention of coming over for dinner or seeing your sister? Did you know that she's trying for a child right now? Any day now she is going to be pregnant and where will you be?? You wont even know. You're not a part of our life. You're not a part of the family's life. You don't care how I feel. You're whole purpose is to bring me down. That's all you ever do.....etc etc..."

This is why I don't call my mother.

My rich Republican conservative religious judgmental mother. This is why I'm living in an apartment alone struggling with two jobs.

To get away from her.

I can't believe Luke is getting married. When I hung up with her it really hit me. I looked around the apartment I'm living in and I imagined what my life would have been like if I married him last year. I wouldn't have these problems...

yes, I have regrets. But I wont look back or lose sleep over it. I just have to look forward. I made my choices and that's it. I'm really happy for him. He deserves better than me anyway.

I did go down to the community college this morning and picked up the application forms. There is so much to fill out. All the papers are piled up on the counter. I want to do this, but I don't know if I can. I wanted to bring it up with my Mom and ask for financial help.

But my pride wouldn't let me. I couldn't ask her. I have to figure this out on my own.
posted by Iris at 12:16 AM