Friday, June 23, 2006

It's not healthy for me to feel this way

I just took a shower, and I'm sitting indianstyle my cotton bathrobe next to the livingroom window. I really need a table for my laptop, because propping it up on a cardboard box is really ghetto. My hair is still dripping wet and this room feels suffocating. It's so stifling without air conditioning.

I'm feeling so lost at the moment.

It's Friday night and I have plans with Stacey. We're meeting a group of friends at the local pub. I have the night off and usually I would be excited. But I'm not. This is more or less a goodbye party for Stacey because she's officially quitting her bartending job. I can't help but feeling upset about this. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I feel like she's leaving ME. We were in this together for so long. Now she's advancing to the next stage in her life. I'm staying right where I am.

I don't even feel like getting dressed. I can't find the motivation to get excited about going out. I just want to curl up in a ball on the sofa. I want to be alone. I feel like my life is going nowhere and I have no sense of direction.

I wonder if I'm the only one that lays on the floor staring up the ceiling for 15 minute stretches, just observing the cracks. I wonder if other people step on the walls with their barefeet, just staring at their toes. I wonder if I'm the only one that walks around the apartment naked just to feel the cool air against bare skin.

I was so hot this afternoon. I just ran an icecube over my body and watched the water pool in my bellybutton then spill over. I thought about how much I wanted to be touched by someone, How much I want to be kissed again. I want to be held. I want to feel love. I want to feel passion. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to feel like I'm needed by someone.

I want to wake up in the morning with arms around me. I want to feel secure. I want to know that I wont face the future alone.

Why can't there be a mixture. Why can't I find someone that loves me, but also makes my thighs tremble? Why does it have to be one or the other? Loveless sex...or sexless love....

Jonas didn't come into the deli this morning.

So many times I thought about calling him. I pressed one or two buttons on the phone but then disconnected it. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what I expect from him. I think I've idealized him in my mind to the point where he'll never measure up. I want to call him so badly though and I'm not sure what is stopping me.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I had more courage, strength and confidence.

Nobody would know all this by looking at me. I wonder if people that meet me on the street would view me differently if they read this diary and knew my secrets. Would they look down on me? be shocked at the things I've done in my life? be disgusted? Sometimes it scares me to imagine that happening, but on the other hand writing out my feelings helps.

Somehow thinking that one person out there might relate or understand makes this life a little easier.

I have to get dressed, Stacey will be here in 5 minutes.
posted by Iris at 9:51 PM