Thursday, June 15, 2006

His name was Jonas....

I'm feeling better today.

A number of months ago I met someone named Jonas at the deli I work at. The encounter left such an impression on me that I came home and wrote an entire diary entry about it. (HERE)

A lot of time has passed since that short meeting, but for some reason he keeps entering my thoughts. At the weirdest times I just think about him, wonder about him and make up stories in my mind about what it would be like to talk to him more. I don't know why I do this and I never told anyone about this. During my lowest moments, I take comfort in these thoughts.

I meet a lot of people through my job every day, but he was the only one I ever cared enough to write about. He just made me feel something inside. I felt like a door was opening, I felt alive, I felt happy. I can't fully explain it in words. It was such a simple encounter.

Today at work, I thought about him again.

And no..he didn't just magically show up at the Deli.

But I asked my co-worker about him during lunch break. The wife of the Deli Owner. She's in her forties, with graying hair pulled back into a ponytale and two gold dangling earings. She never wears any make up except for a smudge of lipstick. She's nice, but we're not very close. She's very religious and her life revolves around church gatherings.

"Oh..Jonas. Yes. He's been a customer for about 4 years. He comes in and orders a bagel nearly every afternoon. I believe he works around this area. It's usually after your work shift ends. It's rare to see him in the morning."

"What is he like?"

"He's a nice boy. Friendly, polite and makes pleasant conversations. Very nice. Why do you ask?"

"no...I was just curious. No reason."

For some reason, this information made me so happy. It gave me this weird inkling of hope that I could meet him again. I started contemplating possible ways of making this happen.

I started thinking about writing him a note and asking my co-worker to give it to him when she sees him again. I don't know what the note would say.. what would I write?

"Hi... we met once and I can't stop thinking about you. Here's my phone number..."

no.

I don't want to give him the wrong impression, I don't even KNOW him. It might come off all wrong and I'll scare him away. I don't even know what I want from him. Maybe just coffee...and a conversation... Someone to talk to... Someone that would listen. I don't know why I think he could give this to me. Chances are he has a girlfriend and will only be weirded out. Who writes notes anymore? It's not like this is elementary school? If you received a note from a strange Deli employee that you met ONCE a long time ago...how would you reacte??

He'll just stare at it strangely and toss it in the trash. I'm so afraid of rejection, but really..what difference does it make? What have I got to lose?

I'm just so lonely.

It's not like I'm all alone in the world or anything. I have Stacey and Carl. (who dropped by this afternoon and gave me some stuff for my flat) But they're both so absorbed with their relationships. Stacey hasn't had much time since she got married and Carl is obsessed with his new boyfriend. I just want a new friend. Someone to take my mind off Michael, because it's the empty pockets of time in the middle of the night that are the worst. I sit on the windowsill smoking a marlboro ultra light and trying to resist the urge to get drunk. Just so that I can pass out...

I'm going to write a note to him.

I'll start working on a draft later on tonight...anything to get my mind off my messed up past. It might be lame and lead to nothing... But who cares?

I didn't fill out any of the college application forms. They're still resting on the counter in the kitchen. I don't know if I ever will. It's probably not going to happen. How am I going to balance 2 jobs and college?

Right now I have to get dressed for my night shift at the bar. I'm so tired, I wish I could call off tonight.
posted by Iris at 8:29 PM