Thursday, June 08, 2006

feeling lonely

This afternoon I sat down and read my entire diary over again. Starting with the first entry. I've been documenting my every day life for about a year and a half now.

It was so depressing to read through. I have the most depressing and fucked up diary. I've been through countless jobs, I've always been struggling with money. I'm 22 now (another birthday passed on April 17th...I was too miserable to even celebrate) with no college education, prospects or future. Last June I had received a wedding proposal from Luke. He was offering me a future, he was offering me financial security.

Instead I broke his heart and ran off with Michael.

One of the reasons I turned off my comments section back then was because I was receiving so much judgment and it hurt. It's hard enough keeping an open diary and sometimes it's easier not knowing who reads this . I thought I knew what I was doing with my life... but apparently I didn't. I just didn't want to hear anyone tell me otherwise.

If my life were a movie, I would have lived happily ever after. I would have been congratulated for following my heart and not my head. I went after passion and threw caution in the wind. Michael was supposed to fall in love with me and marry me. I actually believed that was going to happen. I thought great sex meant something deeper than just great sex. I thought if I loved him, somewhere deep inside he must love me too.

Yet reading over my journal made me remember those intense moments with the shower, in bed, on the livingfloor... I felt those familiar feelings rush over me, I remembered how I felt. How good I felt. I thought it meant something. I really did. I wanted to believe it did. I still want to believe it did.

I'm hurting right now, I'm not as strong as I sound. Michael called Stacey two times and asked her for the phone number of my new flat. She told him "no"

The truth is, I didn't even hook up my phone yet! I've been too busy. I'm still working at the deli during the day and bartending at night. Nothing has changed on the job front. I'm still tired as ever.

I have these moments when I miss Michael and I think of letting him come over. Just for a night, just for one last night. Then I remember the emptiness afterwards and I drop the idea quickly. I'm not going to cave in and be stupid again. I wont.

I don't know if I believe in love anymore. I don't know if I can trust another person with my heart.

I have to get dressed for my night shift. At least I'm getting free wireless internet, so the location is good. I just need to get some furniture for this apartment when I get a day off. My life is embarrassing right now. I hope I can look back at these diary entries and laugh in 5 years.

Right now I feel utterly lost and entirely alone. I'm also scared and I don't even know exactly what I'm afraid of.
posted by Iris at 8:40 PM