Friday, June 30, 2006

Anticipation

Tomorrow is my date with Jonas!

He called this afternoon

At first I didn't pick up because I thought it was Michael. When I heard Jonas's voice on the machine, I quickly grabbed the phone.

"Hi! Sorry... I just stepped in"

"Iris?"

"Yes"

"It's Jonas, I'm just calling about tomorrow. Are we still on for the beach?"

"Yes, What time? Are we going to meet there?"

"That's what I was going to ask you. Is it okay if I pick you up at 11 A.M."

"Sure"

"I need your address"

"Right... I live... (insert address)"

"Great"

"So I'll see you tomorrow then"

"I'm looking forward to it", He said

"Me too", I hesitated because I wanted to say more. I realized my hand was trembling slightly. I was nervous. His voice causes this reaction and this anticipation to build in my stomach. I wish I had more control over this response. I wish I could be more relaxed. "Good night"

He hesitated "okay, Goodnight Iris"

I smiled and put down the phone carefully. Then fell over onto my futon happily. I'm so excited about seeing him again. This week seemed to stretch on for eternity...

Michael called an hour afterwards and I didn't pick up. I'm sober now and thinking clearly. My relationship with Michael is over and I'm not going back.

This is a new beginning.
posted by Iris at 10:07 PM | link

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Trying to escape the past

Why does the past keep creeping up on me the minute I start to feel like I've regained control over my life? Is it always going to be like this? Am I always going to feel overwhelmed, and confused?

I'm such a mess right now and I'm on the verge of doing something potentially stupid. Something I will regret tomorrow.

So I'm going to write in my diary instead.

I just spoke to Michael. He called and we were on the phone for about an hour. The first part of the phone call was basically just him trying to convince me to get back together with him. He tried a number of angles.

For example: "Stacey told me that you wanted to go to college. I know you can't afford to live alone in that apartment so move back in with me. I'll help you, I'll support you and you wont have any rent to pay. You left without explaining, lets try to make this work. Lets start again"

Another person offering to "help me" -- but there's always conditions involved.

I tried to explain to him how empty I was feeling, how much I hated his drug use, how I couldn't trust him and how I felt that he didn't truly love me.

That's when the conversation became more intense, confusing and complex for me

Michael started pouring out all these feelings.: "Iris, I do love you. I always loved you and I never stopped loving you"

"You're just saying that"

"I wanted you from the first moment I saw you. You honestly changed my life. "

I just sighed.

"It was never easy for me to say these things to you. I was afraid."

"I want to believe you, Michael...I just can't anymore. It's different now."

"It doesn't have to be. When we're together it just falls into place again. It just feels right. The last time I came over-"

"I don't want to talk about that. Please...It was a mistake..."

"But you wanted it. Iris, I saw it in your eyes. You were so wet, so open to me. You want this too. Just tell me you don't. Tell me that you want me entirely out of your life forever. I'll hang up right now. "

I started to cry. I couldn't stop myself from having that reaction. "Don't do this to me"

"Iris, Do you remember our first shower together?"

"yes" -- Of course I do. It was so amazing I even wrote about it in this diary (HERE) I had opened up myself for him and did something I had never done before. It was a defining moment for us. I was finally free to give myself entirely to him because I had ended my engagement. It was intense. Raw. Real. lust.

Just thinking of that made me want him again. It brings me back to another time and my body responds to simply the memory.

"I remember your lips trembling, your hair wet and your vulnerability. My God you were so beautiful in that moment. I loved you then and it never changed. I want to touch you like that again right now, Iris. I want to see you. "

I wanted to see him too. "No"

"I want to push you gently down on the bed, pull your shirt over your head and kiss your breasts. I want to slip my hands into your panties and feel-"

"Please, Michael.."

"I can come over right now. We don't have to rush this. We can take it slow. We wont do anything you don't want to do. We can just talk. I miss you so much right now, Iris. "

"I have to go, I'm sorry" Then I hung up the phone. I started crying again because I felt like my whole body was aching. It was a mixture of longing, desire and grief.

Right now I feel hot and bothered by the things he said to me. I sicken myself because even though my logical mind tells me not to go back to him, my body wants it. I'm tempted to let him into my life again.

I love him and I hate him. I need to take a cold shower and shake this arousal off. I have to be clearheaded again and remind myself of all the reasons I left him in the first place.

Typing this helped. I'm going to call Stacey and see if she wants to go out tonight. I have the night off and I need to get my mind off this.
posted by Iris at 8:22 AM | link

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

New Bikini

This afternoon, Carl and I went shopping for a new bikini for my date this weekend. It was fun going to the mall with him again, It's been a while since we spent time together. We had iced coffee in the food court and just caught up. He seems so happy and in love with his new boyfriend. I'm really glad he found someone that he really connects with.

I guess that's what we're all looking for in life. If you're lucky enough to find that person, you don't let go.

I'm kind of jealous. I want that.

I found a great bikini on clearance at Victorias Secret. This is what it looks like:



I tried it on in the dressing room. It's strange how open it was. It was just one huge room with mirrors on all sides. There were 5 other woman trying on outfits. I get self-conscious about removing my clothing in front of strangers. I wonder if I'm the only one that subconsciously compares my body to everyone else's. The woman next to me was a few years older and very confident. She just pulled off her top, revealing perfect breasts. Then she played with her hair in front of the mirror, whipping her long blond hair past her shoulders and peering at her reflection. She seemed to comand attention and I couldn't help looking.

I tried on the bikini and she smiled at me.

"That looks good on you", she said "you have a nice body"

For some reason that made my day. It was like Julia Roberts telling you that you're good looking. A compliment from a stranger really makes a difference if you're as insecure as I am. I walked out of the dressing room to get Carl's opinion. He gave a low whistle and nodded. He gave me a thumbs up. Carl is great to go shopping with. He might not be heterosexual, but he has an eye for fashion. I can always trust his judgment.

When I got home, I took the bikini out of the bag, tried it on again and spread a blanket on the fire escape. The sunlight was streaming in and the skies were blue. I was hoping to get some sun before my beach trip. I'm so pale right now. It was relaxing, the warmth on my body and the sounds of the city below. I felt at peace, for a moment. Everything was okay.

I closed my eyes and thought about Jonas. I imagined us making out on the warm sand. I imagined what his lips would feel on mine. I'm looking forward to Saturday. I'm wondering if I should call him, just to say "hi". It's tempting, I want to just hear his voice again. I've been hoping that he would show up at the Deli again, but he didn't.

I'll just wait until this weekend. I don't want to jinx it. I have to take this slow and be patient. I don't want him to start taking me for granted and getting sick of me. I have to play it cool.

Tonight is Stacey's last night working a the bar. We're going to throw her a going-away party. Posted by Picasa
posted by Iris at 5:58 PM | link

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My Mother the witch

I should have been suspicious when my mother called me out of the blue after my morning shift at the deli and invited me over for lunch.

She sounded too friendly and too sweet. She said she "missed" spending time with me and told me that my sister would be coming over too. She usually doesn't stage spontaneous lunch gatherings.

I didn't really want to go, but I thought this might give me to the opportunity to talk about college. I thought that maybe my mother could help me out.

When I arrived, I saw immediately what this was all about.

Luke was there.

What kind of mother DOES that? He's my ex-fiance! We broke up last year, we left on unstable terms. My last encounter with him was embarrassing to the say the least. Why would she try to push us into an uncomfortable encounter?? The least she could have done was warn me ahead of time.

I hate the fact that my mother has pushed her way into my personal business and formed a friendship with my ex-boyfriend's family. I hate how she rubs our break-up in my face and causes dramatic scenes. I hate how she takes HIS side over mine when I'm her fucking daughter! It's not her business and it's not her place.

Luke looked surprised and uneasy. Apparently she didn't tell him I was coming either.

He didn't say anything during lunch. He just looked down and pushed his food nervously around on his plate. Meanwhile my mother drilled me about my life, my plans and put me down. I brought up the subject of college and she started on her usual rant.

Mom: "I'll help you if you move back home. I have connections with a nice college and I can enroll you in a promising major. I wont support your ideas of art, writing or drama. That will get you nowhere. I also wont support your wanton lifestyle. You'll be under my roof and under my rules. I can get you back on the right track like your sister. We'll fix up your room and I'll get you a car. I'm offering you everything you need. You would be a fool not to take this offer and continue living a life of sin"

I had to hold my tongue. Luke avoided my eyes.

Then she and my sister left the table so Luke and I could have "alone time".

It's obvious that she thinks we can "work things out" even though he's currently engaged to someone else. This is how twisted my mother is.

I was polite and asked him how he was doing. He said he was "fine". He asked me about my life. I told him I was seeing someone named Jonas. Okay so it's not entirely the truth, but it's not a full blown lie. Jonas and I have potential after all and a date on Saturday. I told him I was enrolling in a community college, I just needed to figure out the financial situation.

"If I can help in anyway, Iris... just let me know", Luke said "I'll do anything I can. I know things were hard for you after our break up"

"I've got everything under control" (a complete lie) "but thanks for the offer"

Then I excused myself from the table and said I had to go.

"Feel free to call me anytime", Luke said "it would be nice to be friends again and catch up."

Yeah.

Right....

That encounter this afternoon depressed the hell out of me. I don't want to be reminded about the mistakes I made or the people I hurt. I don't want to go back to that time. I'm trying to move on with my life and my mother wont let it go. What the hell is the matter with her?

To make matters worse, Michael called while I was away. I listened to his voice on the answering machine and pressed delete. Attack of the ex-boyfriends. This was an all-around bad day.

I have so much emotional baggage, I wonder how Jonas would reacte if he knew all this.

I feel so confused inside and I'm not sure what path I should take. Am I really a fool for not agreeing to my mother's terms? I'm 22 years old, Don't I have every right in the world to live my life the way I see fit?? Why can't she support me instead of being a controlling wench?

End of rant.

I need a drink
posted by Iris at 11:47 PM | link

Monday, June 26, 2006

First Date

First dates have a potential to be really weird. They can go any which way and you never know what to expect. I'm always nervous before a first date.

I don't even know if you can call it a "Date"

But it went really well with Jonas today. I met him this afternoon for coffee. I have to go to work in 15 minutes, But I needed to log on and write about it. I'm kind of giddy and happy.

Sometimes people feel like strangers and you're struggling to make conversation. That wasn't the case with Jonas. The words just flowed.

He wasn't there when I arrived and I sat alone in the front area of Starbucks with a Frappucino. I kept pushing the straw nervously up and down, tapping my feet and glancing around the room. I thought he was going to stand me up but he appeared 5 minutes late.

His blond hair was pulled back in a David Beckham style pony tale. He had on a blue shirt and slacks. When he saw me, he eased into the seat next to me and smiled. (he has the most beautiful smile!)

The first thing he said was: "Sorry I'm late"

I just smiled. God I was nervous.

"Sorry I was so short on the phone yesterday", I said "I just.."

"Don't worry about it", He said "I was thrilled when I got that note from you last week. It took me a few days to get back to you because I had to visit my father in New Jersey over that weekend for Father's day."

"oh..."

"Did you do anything for Father's day?"

"I don't really talk to my father anymore", I said "so..not really"

"Oh" He said. "So, Iris..tell me about yourself"

"I don't know where to start?", I shrugged and laughed nervously.

"Okay, I'll start by telling you about me. My name is Jonas and I'm 26 years old"

I smiled "My name is Iris and I'm 22"

He reached across the table to shake my hand and we started laughing.

He made me feel so good! He has such a warm smile and alluring eyes. He's so down to earth and real. He's an assistant art director for a local cable station. He graduated from college a few years ago. He plays guitar. He's so perfect, almost too good to be true.

He told me I was beautiful. I didn't know how to respond. I just rubbed more forehead, looked down and smiled. My face felt hot and my cheeks were burning. I don't want to screw this up. I want to take it slow and yet I already want more than just friendship.

He invited me to the beach on Saturday. I said "Yes".

It's so comfortable and normal. I'm not used to this. I let him do most of the talking and just listened. I didn't really open up about myself too much because I was afraid of scaring him away. When he realizes how messed up I am, he might go running in the opposite direction.

I look forward to going to the beach this weekend. I have to buy a new bathingsuit this week. I lost the bottom part of mine during my move and this will be my first time going to the beach this summer.

We didn't talk about past relationships or current relationships. I didn't want to ask him because it would be implying too much. I'm just going to take this day by day.

No expectations, No disappointment.

He paid for my coffee. He insisted. He's a real gentleman. I'm not used to this at all.

I'm late for work now.
posted by Iris at 7:18 PM | link

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Making the call

I did it.

I called Jonas!

I was so nervous before the phone call. I kept pacing back and forth in my apartment and twisting the phone around in my hand. I finally just dialed the numbers he left on the note. I waited while the phone rang five times.

Then I heard his voice. At first I didn't even speak. He said "Hello?" again.

This is how the conversation went:

"Hi, Is this Jonas?"

"Yes, Who's this?"

"It's Iris, from the Deli"

"hey..."

"Sorry about Thursday.... I was having a bad day"

"That's okay, what's up?"

He sounded so distant and I felt like I was losing my nerve. "Well, I wanted to know if you wanted to get together some time. I have tomorrow morning off from work so..."

He was silent. "That sounds great. Where should we meet? I have to work but I have a lunch break between 12 and 2"

"I don't know, Maybe at Starbucks, the one on...(insert address)"

"Alright, I'll see you there. Is 12 okay?"

"Yes. Okay, bye"

He hesitated "Alright, see you tomorrow then"

I quickly hung up and dropped the phone on the sofa. Then I buried my face in the sofa cushion. That was so awkward!!! What am I DOING?!

Okay, So that's it. I'm seeing Jonas tomorrow. I did it. I called him. Now I have to build up the nerve to show up. I don't know how I should dress. What if we just sit there with nothing to say to eachother?? What if it's uncomfortable? We don't know KNOW eachother!!

I'm a bundle of nerves about this. I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I have to focus and get ready for work.

P.S. A message to someone that left me a caring E-mail. Thank you for reaching out.
posted by Iris at 6:21 PM | link

Friday, June 23, 2006

It's not healthy for me to feel this way

I just took a shower, and I'm sitting indianstyle my cotton bathrobe next to the livingroom window. I really need a table for my laptop, because propping it up on a cardboard box is really ghetto. My hair is still dripping wet and this room feels suffocating. It's so stifling without air conditioning.

I'm feeling so lost at the moment.

It's Friday night and I have plans with Stacey. We're meeting a group of friends at the local pub. I have the night off and usually I would be excited. But I'm not. This is more or less a goodbye party for Stacey because she's officially quitting her bartending job. I can't help but feeling upset about this. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I feel like she's leaving ME. We were in this together for so long. Now she's advancing to the next stage in her life. I'm staying right where I am.

I don't even feel like getting dressed. I can't find the motivation to get excited about going out. I just want to curl up in a ball on the sofa. I want to be alone. I feel like my life is going nowhere and I have no sense of direction.

I wonder if I'm the only one that lays on the floor staring up the ceiling for 15 minute stretches, just observing the cracks. I wonder if other people step on the walls with their barefeet, just staring at their toes. I wonder if I'm the only one that walks around the apartment naked just to feel the cool air against bare skin.

I was so hot this afternoon. I just ran an icecube over my body and watched the water pool in my bellybutton then spill over. I thought about how much I wanted to be touched by someone, How much I want to be kissed again. I want to be held. I want to feel love. I want to feel passion. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I want to feel like I'm needed by someone.

I want to wake up in the morning with arms around me. I want to feel secure. I want to know that I wont face the future alone.

Why can't there be a mixture. Why can't I find someone that loves me, but also makes my thighs tremble? Why does it have to be one or the other? Loveless sex...or sexless love....

Jonas didn't come into the deli this morning.

So many times I thought about calling him. I pressed one or two buttons on the phone but then disconnected it. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what I expect from him. I think I've idealized him in my mind to the point where he'll never measure up. I want to call him so badly though and I'm not sure what is stopping me.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I had more courage, strength and confidence.

Nobody would know all this by looking at me. I wonder if people that meet me on the street would view me differently if they read this diary and knew my secrets. Would they look down on me? be shocked at the things I've done in my life? be disgusted? Sometimes it scares me to imagine that happening, but on the other hand writing out my feelings helps.

Somehow thinking that one person out there might relate or understand makes this life a little easier.

I have to get dressed, Stacey will be here in 5 minutes.
posted by Iris at 9:51 PM | link

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Another meeting

Jonas came into the store again this morning. I couldn't escape him this time so I just gave him a polite smile and asked him what he'd like to order. I'm so tired of being the girl behind the counter. I want the roles to be reversed for a change. I'm always the one serving.

He seemed to think about it for a second, than asked "did you get my note?"

I only nodded, but I didn't look at him.

There was a long silence. "Okay I'll have a plain bagel"

I heated it up and wrapped it for him.

He stared at me for a moment. He looked like he was going to say something, but he didn't.

"Bye", He said finally taking his bagel off the counter and he was gone.

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!! I stared up at the ceiling in frustration and a slew of curses ran through my head. Why do I get like this when I like someone?? Why wasn't I friendly? Why didn't I open up and talk to him? What the hell is the matter with me?

I like him so much, just seeing him again up close and personal brought back a rush of feelings. There was this excitment in the pit of my stomach, this anticipation and this desire to talk to him.

Instead I acted cold and nonchalant. I was just so NERVOUS. He'll probably never come again during my morning shift and I don't blame him.

At least I have his phone number so it's up to me to make the next move. I just need time.

I shouldn't obsess about this. I just can't stop thinking about this morning. I wish I had behaved differently.

This afternoon I filled out some of the college forms. I'm not sure about some of the financial questions. I have to get some forms from my boss and I need recommendations! Who is going to give me recommendations? Am I going to bug my old highschool teachers after 5 years? I'm also unsure about what to write in the essay. I really want this, but it seems so unattainable right now.

I can't do this alone. I envy people that have parents that help and care. I don't have anyone to turn to.
posted by Iris at 4:00 PM | link

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Passing notes

Yesterday morning I didn't go to work. I called off sick and slept in. I was feeling better in the afternoon and I went to my bartending job at night. It was a slow and depressing shift. Stacey said she's thinking about quitting her job. Her husband got a raise at his job and they don't need the income as much as they used to. We've been working together for years and she's my bestfriend. She makes this job bearable. I hope she doesn't leave. I know it's selfish of me feel this way.

Something MAJOR happened this morning though!

Jonas came to the Deli today.

His hair is longer and blonder than I remembered. he was wearing a faded gray shirt and blue jeans. It was such a shock to see him again. I had already written off the possibility of him showing up.

I looked like crap, was utterly hungover and down on myself. When I saw him enter the shop, I just froze. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't ready. I expected a phone call... a letter...

But a face to face encounter after that embarrassing note at 9 A.M?

It was too much.

I escaped into the backroom. I know he saw me but I didn't care. I bumped into my co-worker

"Could you take care of the next customer, I'm not feeling well. I need to go to the bathroom..."

She nodded and I escaped. I went into the small bathroom, leaned against the wall and took a deep breath.

When I came back out, Jonas was gone. My Co-worker handed me a piece of paper wordlessly and went into the backroom. She gave me a curious look, like she thought I was insane. I'm sure she's wondering what all this note passing between me and a customer is all about.

It was written on the blank side of the take-out menu. That means he must have scribbled it while he ordered his bagel at the counter. I opened it.

It read:

"Thanks for the note. It would be cool to hang out some time.

****his phone number****

Hope to hear from you

-Jonas"

Now it's in my ballpark. I wont call him tonight though. I have to wait. I feel oddly giddy, but also depressed about what happened with Michael. I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I feel like I fell off the wagon and I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak. I'm ashamed at myself for opening that door and letting Michael in again. I had been so strong.

I'm weak. weak. weak.

I keep reading over his short note, tracing the writing with my finger..

How am I supposed to interpret what he wrote anyway? Maybe he was just being polite. I'm falling into the same obsessive track that I had with Michael. Falling for some stranger I don't even know. I'll just end up making the same mistakes as last time. I don't want that. I don't need a guy. I bet he has a girlfriend. What is the matter with me anyway? I can't believe I'm making such a big deal about this. I'm an adult.

Regardless, I'm in a better mood than yesterday. I'm struggling to keep the right perspective. Somehow this response from Jonas gave me hope. The real question is whether I'll call him or not.

Am I really ready for another relationship...with anyone?
posted by Iris at 4:37 PM | link

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

used

This isn't easy to write about.

I had sex with Michael again.

I hate myself right now.

He found out where I lived and came by at 2 AM. I was drunk and sitting on the windowsill when the doorbell rang. When I opened it and saw him, I started to cry. It was partly tears of anger and partly tears of defeat. I can't pin point the source of my tears. I was just an emotional mess.

I let him kiss me, push me onto the floor, pull up my skirt and enter me without protest. I allowed myself to get caught up in the passion of the moment because I was lonely, because I was filled with desire, because I wanted to escape again.

When it was over, I saw that he was high... I realized what had happened. I told him that he needed to leave. He asked to stay, I begged him to go. He asked me to come home to our old apartment. I told him I would think about it.

But it was only to make him leave.

I have no intention of going back.

I feel so sick.

Jonas never called. Why would he call a slut anyway? I'm so disgusted with myself. I don't feel like writing anymore about this. I need to take a shower to wash the smell of loveless sex off my body. I have a bruise on my shoulder and hipbone. Every part of me aches. He was too rough. I hate him. I hate myself.

It's 6:00 A.M. and I still haven't slept. I've just been sitting in the middle of the livingroom crying. I can't sleep. I'm taking off from work today. I don't feel like leaving the house.

posted by Iris at 6:15 AM | link

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Rejection

He didn't write back.

He didn't call.

He didn't show up at the Deli.

I asked my co-worker if she gave Jonas the note I wrote.

"Yes", she responded.

"Did you tell him who it was from?"

"Yes"

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. He just nodded and put it in his pocket"

"Then what?"

"He ordered a bagel. What I supposed to give him a message?.... I thought you just wanted me to hand him the note?.."

"no..no..that's fine. I just..that's fine"

It's been two days.

Two days of feeling a jolt of anticipation every time the phone rang and looking up from the counter with expectation every time the door opened with a jingle at the Deli.

I'm just an idiot. I'm going to get drunk tonight with Carl. I have the night off from work. Time to get dressed. I'm not going to think about this too much. It just makes me want to bang my head into a wall repeatedly.
posted by Iris at 6:29 PM | link

Friday, June 16, 2006

Stupid girl

I feel like a huge ass right now.

I wrote Jonas a note. I wrote a note to some customer I only met once and gave it to my co-worker this afternoon.

It was kind of awkward and I wasn't sure how to explain what I was handing to her. We're not that close, so I can't open up about the contents. I put it in a sealed envelope.

"Can you give this to Jonas if he comes into the Deli today?", I asked

She looked down at the note curiously. "What is this?"

"It's just a note"

"Do you know him personally?"

"Sort of. I just have a question for him"

She raised her eyebrows, looked at me closely. Then she had this little knowing smile that was more than a little embarrassing and put it into her apron. "Okay"

I walked out of the deli feeling so stupid and awkward. I rolled my eyes upwards and groaned.

Anyhow, this is what I wrote:

"Jonas,

Hi, This is Iris. We met a while back at this Deli. I work here in the mornings. You sang that goo goo dolls song to me and I sang that Weezer song.

This is going to seem really strange. So feel free to ignore this note entirely, but I just thought about you the other day and I was wondering if you'd like to get together for a cup of coffee someday.

Just an idea, if you're bored with nothing better to do. Feel free to give me a call. (insert phone number)

Take care

-Iris"

I know that if anyone is out there reading this diary, you're embarrassed for me. I know that was lame. I KNOW. I'm just not good with letters. I'm better face to face. I really regret writing it at all.

I hope I don't see him again. I have a feeling it will only be weird and forced. I shouldn't have written that. It's too late to take it back. Chances are, I'll never hear from him.

I'll forget I wrote it after a week and move on with my life.

But at least I made an effort and I wont always wonder..."What if"..

I feel like a 14 year old girl again that just wrote a note asking out some boy she had a crush on. This is so stupid. I can't believe I did that.
posted by Iris at 8:34 PM | link

Thursday, June 15, 2006

His name was Jonas....

I'm feeling better today.

A number of months ago I met someone named Jonas at the deli I work at. The encounter left such an impression on me that I came home and wrote an entire diary entry about it. (HERE)

A lot of time has passed since that short meeting, but for some reason he keeps entering my thoughts. At the weirdest times I just think about him, wonder about him and make up stories in my mind about what it would be like to talk to him more. I don't know why I do this and I never told anyone about this. During my lowest moments, I take comfort in these thoughts.

I meet a lot of people through my job every day, but he was the only one I ever cared enough to write about. He just made me feel something inside. I felt like a door was opening, I felt alive, I felt happy. I can't fully explain it in words. It was such a simple encounter.

Today at work, I thought about him again.

And no..he didn't just magically show up at the Deli.

But I asked my co-worker about him during lunch break. The wife of the Deli Owner. She's in her forties, with graying hair pulled back into a ponytale and two gold dangling earings. She never wears any make up except for a smudge of lipstick. She's nice, but we're not very close. She's very religious and her life revolves around church gatherings.

"Oh..Jonas. Yes. He's been a customer for about 4 years. He comes in and orders a bagel nearly every afternoon. I believe he works around this area. It's usually after your work shift ends. It's rare to see him in the morning."

"What is he like?"

"He's a nice boy. Friendly, polite and makes pleasant conversations. Very nice. Why do you ask?"

"no...I was just curious. No reason."

For some reason, this information made me so happy. It gave me this weird inkling of hope that I could meet him again. I started contemplating possible ways of making this happen.

I started thinking about writing him a note and asking my co-worker to give it to him when she sees him again. I don't know what the note would say.. what would I write?

"Hi... we met once and I can't stop thinking about you. Here's my phone number..."

no.

I don't want to give him the wrong impression, I don't even KNOW him. It might come off all wrong and I'll scare him away. I don't even know what I want from him. Maybe just coffee...and a conversation... Someone to talk to... Someone that would listen. I don't know why I think he could give this to me. Chances are he has a girlfriend and will only be weirded out. Who writes notes anymore? It's not like this is elementary school? If you received a note from a strange Deli employee that you met ONCE a long time ago...how would you reacte??

He'll just stare at it strangely and toss it in the trash. I'm so afraid of rejection, but really..what difference does it make? What have I got to lose?

I'm just so lonely.

It's not like I'm all alone in the world or anything. I have Stacey and Carl. (who dropped by this afternoon and gave me some stuff for my flat) But they're both so absorbed with their relationships. Stacey hasn't had much time since she got married and Carl is obsessed with his new boyfriend. I just want a new friend. Someone to take my mind off Michael, because it's the empty pockets of time in the middle of the night that are the worst. I sit on the windowsill smoking a marlboro ultra light and trying to resist the urge to get drunk. Just so that I can pass out...

I'm going to write a note to him.

I'll start working on a draft later on tonight...anything to get my mind off my messed up past. It might be lame and lead to nothing... But who cares?

I didn't fill out any of the college application forms. They're still resting on the counter in the kitchen. I don't know if I ever will. It's probably not going to happen. How am I going to balance 2 jobs and college?

Right now I have to get dressed for my night shift at the bar. I'm so tired, I wish I could call off tonight.
posted by Iris at 8:29 PM | link

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Sick Day

"Can you pull off your bra?"

"Can you touch your breast?.."

"Can you slip your hand into your panties?...yes like that"

"touch yourself slowly...mmmm...does that feel good?"

It haunts me in my dreams. I wont be able to live this down. Even if I go to college, even if I get a nice job, even when I get married and have kids. It's not going to go away. These nightmares are going to follow me and the memory of what I did to get into this apartment aren't going to just disappear. I can't just erase it.

Last night, I woke up in a sweat... and I leaned over the toilet bowl. Nothing came out. I just stared at my wavering reflection in the toilet water...my hair falling over my face...feelign sick. feeling scared.

I hate my life sometimes. I hate this so much.

I'm going to have a cup of coffee and head to work. I'm running late and I'm not even motivated to get dressed.
posted by Iris at 7:51 AM | link

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

"Mommy dearest"

I finally called my mother after weeks of not speaking. It was one of those forced phone calls. You know..... when you KNOW you have to make the call, but you don't want to? So you pick up the phone..then put it down..then reluctantly pick it up again and dial the numbers?

The first thing she said to me was:

"Well, I have some news for you. You screwed up big time when you left Luke last year. It was the biggest mistake of your life. I bumped into Luke's mother at the grocery store on Friday. Do you know what she said?"

*note* She didn't even ask me how I was doing. THAT was her greeting.

I was quiet for a moment, trying to swallow the hurt I began to feel. I instantly regreted calling her, she just puts me down. "No..what?", I asked

"He's getting married"

It's weird, I didn't feel anything. "Well... I'm happy for him"

"Happy for him?! He offered you everything! He was perfect! You destroyed the one good thing you had going for you. I was never more embarrassed and disappointed with you... I don't even want to remember the shame you put on our family's name"

The family name?? What are we back in the 1800's??

"Instead you shacked up with that street Urchin, Are you still living with that piece of scum?"

("Street Urchin?" - who uses lame terms like that?) "If you mean Michael.. No I am not", I responded

"Where are you living then? With your crack dealer?"

"Mom I never did crack", I said "And no... I'm living in an apartment close to the Deli"

"Some roach infested crap hole?"

"No it's actually really nice.. It's..."

"Are you calling me because you need money?", My Mother asked cutting me off

"No.. I'm just saying Hi.."

"you haven't called me in a month..a month. I don't know whether you're dead or alive. When people asked about you, I didn't even know WHAT to say. Do you have any intention of coming over for dinner or seeing your sister? Did you know that she's trying for a child right now? Any day now she is going to be pregnant and where will you be?? You wont even know. You're not a part of our life. You're not a part of the family's life. You don't care how I feel. You're whole purpose is to bring me down. That's all you ever do.....etc etc..."

This is why I don't call my mother.

My rich Republican conservative religious judgmental mother. This is why I'm living in an apartment alone struggling with two jobs.

To get away from her.

I can't believe Luke is getting married. When I hung up with her it really hit me. I looked around the apartment I'm living in and I imagined what my life would have been like if I married him last year. I wouldn't have these problems...

yes, I have regrets. But I wont look back or lose sleep over it. I just have to look forward. I made my choices and that's it. I'm really happy for him. He deserves better than me anyway.

I did go down to the community college this morning and picked up the application forms. There is so much to fill out. All the papers are piled up on the counter. I want to do this, but I don't know if I can. I wanted to bring it up with my Mom and ask for financial help.

But my pride wouldn't let me. I couldn't ask her. I have to figure this out on my own.
posted by Iris at 12:16 AM | link

Monday, June 12, 2006

Turn Turn Turn

I just got back from working at the bar, so I'm a little bit drunk.

But things are looking up for me, finally....

Stacey gave me her old futon and I hooked up the telephone line. I have some food in the fridge and my cabinets. I even have a potted plant on the window sill.

I feel better. I don't feel as empty and scared as I did before. New beginnings are scary as hell. Starting over is scary but I have a grasp on it now. I worked all weekend, but I have Monday off.

I'm thinking of applying to a community college and taking some classes.

Crazy, I know. Me...in college. I was talking to a girl that came in the Deli. She said it's not to late to apply for the fall semester and that I'd be eligible for financial aid...etc..etc.

I don't know how I would squeeze in school with two jobs. I need both jobs unless I find a roommate to split the cost of this flat.

All of this is all a pipe dream. It probably wont happen, but writing about it is the first step towards making it happen.

I haven't spoken to my Mom in over 3 weeks. She doesn't even know where I'm living. My life is still a mess and every day blends into the next. I managed to stop obsessing over Michael and this break up. I haven't contacted him, or returned his calls. This is a clean break and I want to keep it that way.

I'm too tired to type anymore. My eyelids feel so heavy and my head is pounding.
posted by Iris at 1:50 AM | link

Thursday, June 08, 2006

feeling lonely

This afternoon I sat down and read my entire diary over again. Starting with the first entry. I've been documenting my every day life for about a year and a half now.

It was so depressing to read through. I have the most depressing and fucked up diary. I've been through countless jobs, I've always been struggling with money. I'm 22 now (another birthday passed on April 17th...I was too miserable to even celebrate) with no college education, prospects or future. Last June I had received a wedding proposal from Luke. He was offering me a future, he was offering me financial security.

Instead I broke his heart and ran off with Michael.

One of the reasons I turned off my comments section back then was because I was receiving so much judgment and it hurt. It's hard enough keeping an open diary and sometimes it's easier not knowing who reads this . I thought I knew what I was doing with my life... but apparently I didn't. I just didn't want to hear anyone tell me otherwise.

If my life were a movie, I would have lived happily ever after. I would have been congratulated for following my heart and not my head. I went after passion and threw caution in the wind. Michael was supposed to fall in love with me and marry me. I actually believed that was going to happen. I thought great sex meant something deeper than just great sex. I thought if I loved him, somewhere deep inside he must love me too.

Yet reading over my journal made me remember those intense moments with him..in the shower, in bed, on the livingfloor... I felt those familiar feelings rush over me, I remembered how I felt. How good I felt. I thought it meant something. I really did. I wanted to believe it did. I still want to believe it did.

I'm hurting right now, I'm not as strong as I sound. Michael called Stacey two times and asked her for the phone number of my new flat. She told him "no"

The truth is, I didn't even hook up my phone yet! I've been too busy. I'm still working at the deli during the day and bartending at night. Nothing has changed on the job front. I'm still tired as ever.

I have these moments when I miss Michael and I think of letting him come over. Just for a night, just for one last night. Then I remember the emptiness afterwards and I drop the idea quickly. I'm not going to cave in and be stupid again. I wont.

I don't know if I believe in love anymore. I don't know if I can trust another person with my heart.

I have to get dressed for my night shift. At least I'm getting free wireless internet, so the location is good. I just need to get some furniture for this apartment when I get a day off. My life is embarrassing right now. I hope I can look back at these diary entries and laugh in 5 years.

Right now I feel utterly lost and entirely alone. I'm also scared and I don't even know exactly what I'm afraid of.
posted by Iris at 8:40 PM | link

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My new place

I'm sitting indian style on the hardwood floor next to an open window, I have my laptop propped up on a cardboard box right now, and I'm receiving wireless internet service from the next door neighbors.

I'm in my new apartment.

YES!! MY OWN APARTMENT!!

My refridgerator is empty and I have no furniture. It's a studio, so it's basically one big room with a kitchen attached. The bathroom is pretty microscopic. when I'm on the toilet, my knees are up against the door. The shower doesn't have a curtain yet. The walls need to be repainted.

But it's mine.

This is the greatest feeling in the world.

It wasn't easy to get to this point. Michael wouldn't accept that I was leaving. We started crying. He grabbed my arm and twisted it. He pushed me up against the wall. This passion and intensity used to turn me on. It would usually end up with him tearing off my clothes and us falling into bed together.

Not this time. I'm finished. I'm finished with him. I'm finished with his inability to commit to me and his drug use. I can't play this game anymore. I wont. I can't.

This is it, my new beginning. It starts here.

In this studio apartment, with no air conditioning and wearing only a tanktop and panties. I'm going to spread out a blanket and sleep on the floor.

It's going to be the greatest sleep I've had in a long long time. I'm free! I had to do some messed up things to get to this point, but now I'm cleaning the slate. This is my second chance. I'm not going to look back.

I'm so damn happy right now. I just needed to put it down in writing.

Today... 6.6.06. Is when I turned it all around. Figures...666. Creepy, but at least I wont forget the date.

more tomorrow, it's time to sleep...
posted by Iris at 11:52 PM | link

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Not this time

It's amazing how you can lie to yourself. ..for such a long time

I can't handle this. I can't handle what happened on Tuesday. I thought I could just write about it here and go on my way.

I can't. I'm freaking out because I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person I've become.

I told Stacey about what happened and in the middle of the explanation, I just started sobbing. It was the look in her eyes. It was a mixture of pity and shock. It had been a month since we last saw eachother. A month after her wedding.

This was a wake up call. I'm not just going to talk about changing my life and than simply fall back into bed with Michael. Not this time.

This morning, he reached for me when I was coming out of bed. He pulled on the edge of my panties... forcing me to fall back onto the mattress. He slid his hand in my tanktop. I felt his clumsy hand reaching for my breasts. He thought he could just arouse me like he used to. Seduce me into staying with him.

I shoved him away.

This is really it.
posted by Iris at 4:40 PM | link