Wednesday, May 31, 2006

SHAME

I'm probably going to delete my last entry because I feel so much damn shame inside. Reading that over made my face feel hot, my cheeks burning and made this prickling feeling crawl down my spine. I want to pretend it wasn't me. That I didn't do it. I can try to look at my experience objectively... Nothing happened. I just took off my clothing in front a camera. I didn't have sex with anyone. It's a private website, only paid members can see it. I needed the money to get into that studio apartment. I had no other options. The ends justified the means.

But the more I think about what I did, the more I want to erase the memory. The more fear I have that someone I know is going to find. This fear that it's going to resurface. I don't want to be blackmailed by some pervert in 20 years. Last night I couldn't sleep. I imagined my mother discovering what I did.

She would disown me. I would sicken her... I sicken myself. I keep remembering that man masturbating into his pants..his heavy breathing and the lights. Every time I think about this, I have to clench something. the sofa cushion, the corner of my shirt, a piece of paper. Last night in bed, I was tossing and turning. Michael didn't respond to my movement. He just mumbled in his sleep. Half the time he's too stoned to notice me at all.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was going to love me and we were going to live happily ever after. God, I sound so fucking pitiful.

I'm turning this all around. I'm going to turn my whole life around. I'm not going to look back at the mistakes I made. I'm just going to look forward. I put down the rent money for the flat and secured my spot. The landlord said I have to wait until June 6th before I can move in.

I have nothing to my name but the laptop I got for Christmas, 3 boxes full of random shit and suitcase of clothing. I'm starting over. It's a new beginning. I'm going to update my diary more because my life spiralled into insanity and every day blended into eachother when I had stopped.

I'll start up again the night I move into my new place. I'm so scared right now of everything. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I so afraid of leaving Michael's? I'm afraid of letting go of the fantasy that I treasured, my dreams and everything that he represented to me. I have to admit that I was wrong and officially move on.

It's not easy to let go of a relationship with someone. Even when you know it's going nowhere and it only brings you misery.
posted by Iris at 7:36 AM