Wednesday, May 31, 2006

SHAME

I'm probably going to delete my last entry because I feel so much damn shame inside. Reading that over made my face feel hot, my cheeks burning and made this prickling feeling crawl down my spine. I want to pretend it wasn't me. That I didn't do it. I can try to look at my experience objectively... Nothing happened. I just took off my clothing in front a camera. I didn't have sex with anyone. It's a private website, only paid members can see it. I needed the money to get into that studio apartment. I had no other options. The ends justified the means.

But the more I think about what I did, the more I want to erase the memory. The more fear I have that someone I know is going to find. This fear that it's going to resurface. I don't want to be blackmailed by some pervert in 20 years. Last night I couldn't sleep. I imagined my mother discovering what I did.

She would disown me. I would sicken her... I sicken myself. I keep remembering that man masturbating into his pants..his heavy breathing and the lights. Every time I think about this, I have to clench something. the sofa cushion, the corner of my shirt, a piece of paper. Last night in bed, I was tossing and turning. Michael didn't respond to my movement. He just mumbled in his sleep. Half the time he's too stoned to notice me at all.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was going to love me and we were going to live happily ever after. God, I sound so fucking pitiful.

I'm turning this all around. I'm going to turn my whole life around. I'm not going to look back at the mistakes I made. I'm just going to look forward. I put down the rent money for the flat and secured my spot. The landlord said I have to wait until June 6th before I can move in.

I have nothing to my name but the laptop I got for Christmas, 3 boxes full of random shit and suitcase of clothing. I'm starting over. It's a new beginning. I'm going to update my diary more because my life spiralled into insanity and every day blended into eachother when I had stopped.

I'll start up again the night I move into my new place. I'm so scared right now of everything. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I so afraid of leaving Michael's? I'm afraid of letting go of the fantasy that I treasured, my dreams and everything that he represented to me. I have to admit that I was wrong and officially move on.

It's not easy to let go of a relationship with someone. Even when you know it's going nowhere and it only brings you misery.
posted by Iris at 7:36 AM | link

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Rock bottom

Have you ever done something that you never imagined you were capable of doing? Something you never imagined you would end up doing?

I feel so dirty, I feel sick. I can't believe what I did. I need to get this out because it's eating me up inside. I haven't updated here in a while but this is my outlet. I need to write about this to stop myself from trembling uncontrollably. I need to type this in order to collect myself.. I feel like I'm losing my mind. If you read this. don't judge me. Please, I'm already judging myself.

I made a lot of money today, but I did something I never thought I could do.

I got desperate and called that man that runs that adult website, The Man that the photographer told me about months ago. I took out the business card this morning and made the call. I was so nervous, I was trembling and I thought I was going to throw up. I just didn't know what else to do. Things have been so bad lately. I left Michael for a while, but I ended up moving back in with him because I had nowhere else to go! I can't live with my mother, it's too hard for me.

I got his secretary, she said he was away from the office but he would call me back when he returned. She took down my contact information.

2 hours later I received a phonecall.

I explained who I was and how I heard about him. Apparently the photographer had talked with him already because he seemed to know who I was. He said he could see me today, and made an appointment for 5 p.m.

I don't want to get into all the conflicting emotions I was experiencing as I waited, I contemplated calling him back 5 times and cancelling. I picked up the phone and then put it back down. I took a few shots of Vodka to relax and tried to breath deeply to calm down. I knew it would be over in a few hours, then just a memory and I would have money. That's it, in and out.

Ugh, I feel sick even writing about this.

I took the subway to the address he provided me with.

I ended up in an apartment with 2 different guys and a series of cameras, 3 computers and a big living room.

"I'm nervous", I confessed "I've never done this before... I don't know what I'm doing. I feel a little sick, I don't know if I can do this"

One guy who was around 30 comforted me. "A lot of people feel that way, but it's very easy and really fine. Nothing will happen to you, no one will touch you. Do you want a drink?"

I nodded.

"I'm going to turn on the Camera now, just relax and be yourself, okay?"

"Is there anything I need to say? do?"

"No we'll instruct you"

The Camera went on and I sat down on a chair. They started asking me questions. They started off innocent but got increasingly uncomfortable and a little bit kinky. I tried to relax and just laugh when he made a joke.

"So this is your first time doing this?", the man asked

I nodded.

"You're nervous?"

I nodded looking down.

"Can you take down your hair please"

I did.

"You're very beautiful, Iris"

"thank you". God. I felt sick. sick. sick. I was actually shaking.

"It's okay, no one is going to hurt you and you wont have to do anything you don't want to do"

"Okay"

I asked him to turn down the lighting a bit, because it was hurting my eyes. He redirected it to face the ceiling and reflect off. I drank some more.

"Can you unbutton your shirt a bit."

I started to do that.

"And open your legs a bit..pull up your skirt, so we can see your panties"

I did.

They asked me some more sexual questions. I saw the guy had a hard on and it was making me uncomfortable, the room felt too hot. I can't describe adequately what this was like.

They asked me to pull off my shirt entirely and I did. I was wearing a bra. Then I pulled down my shirt. I was sitting there in my bra and panties. At this point, I went somewhere else in my mind. I thought about Michael, I imagined him there with me. I imagined this was okay.

"Can you pull off your bra?"

"Can you touch your breast.."

"Can you slip your hand into your panties..yes like that"

"touch yourself slowly..does that feel good"

I just nodded, and chose to close my eyes.

I don't want to talk about the rest. It was over after an hour. No one touched me at any point. Although at one point, I saw the guy behind the camera masturbating into his pants while he watched me...His heavy breathing was hard to ignore.

He gave me the money and his business card again. He said he would like to see me again and thanked me. I didn't answer. I walked home, took a long hot shower and put it away.

It's like It didn't happen. It's over. I'm going to use the money I made to put down the deposit on a new studio apartment I found last week. I can afford the first and last months rent. I might not update for a few days, I need to work through a few of my feelings about this by myself.

I just hope this doesn't come back to haunt me later on in life. I already feel like it may have been the biggest mistake I ever made in my entire existance.. Everytime I think about this, I clench my hands and I feel like I can't breath. I want to start screaming.

But it's over. It's already in the past. I'm going to have a drink and forget this. I feel more calm now that I've typed this out, it's off my chest and it's out in the open. No one probably reads this anymore and that's fine. I just didn't realize how much I needed this place as an outlet until I went so long without writing in this diary.


This could be quite possibly the lowest point in my existance but it can only go up from here.

posted by Iris at 11:43 PM | link