Monday, January 23, 2006

Struggling

These past few weeks have been stressful. I've been working long hours and spending a lot of time with Carl and Stacey. I'm helping Stacey plan for her wedding and getting drunk with Carl.

I'm avoiding the flat because I can't deal with the fact that I'm not happy in my current relationship. I can't face the fact that I need to end it. I can't do it, it's too hard. I don't know what I want or how I feel.

When I step away from Michael and I look at our relationship. I see that it's not heading anywhere. I see that I need to move on. I see that he isn't capable of giving me the commitment I yearn for or love me the way I want. He's only going to hurt me. I know this.

It's just so hard to verbalize it.

Last night I tried to tell Michael how I was feeling. We were watching television together in the livingroom, and I said "We need to talk"

"About what?", He asked. He was still looking at the screen.

"About our relationship"

That made him turn off the television and finally look at me. "What about it?"

"I don't know how you feel about me, I don't know how to define what we have. I don't know what we're doing or where we're heading. I feel lost here. My whole life is a mess and I need.."

While I was saying this. He started running his hands over my ankles and calves. I had my feet draped over his lap. Just the feeling of his hands on me already caused me to tremble and I lose track of my words. He moved his hands up my legs, under my skirt and inner thighs. He just stroked the edge of my panties and I was already wet. I can't control how my body responds to him. It's like this heat rises up my entire body and my ears are ringing. I just give in to him and desire him.

I hate how he plays with me sometimes..just slipping a finger inside..then pulling away.. He looks at me so innocently, but he sees the need in my eyes. I see the bulge in his pants. We toy with eachother and feed off this yearning.

"Go on", He urged "I'm listening"

But by then I just wanted to feel his lips on mine, I wanted to feel him pushing inside of me. We were kissing and had sex on the sofa.

Afterwards, I felt empty.

How do I end this relationship? How do I fix up my life? How do I get out of this rut..this cycle... I love this and I hate this. I'm going nowhere.
posted by Iris at 8:29 AM