Monday, January 23, 2006

Struggling

These past few weeks have been stressful. I've been working long hours and spending a lot of time with Carl and Stacey. I'm helping Stacey plan for her wedding and getting drunk with Carl.

I'm avoiding the flat because I can't deal with the fact that I'm not happy in my current relationship. I can't face the fact that I need to end it. I can't do it, it's too hard. I don't know what I want or how I feel.

When I step away from Michael and I look at our relationship. I see that it's not heading anywhere. I see that I need to move on. I see that he isn't capable of giving me the commitment I yearn for or love me the way I want. He's only going to hurt me. I know this.

It's just so hard to verbalize it.

Last night I tried to tell Michael how I was feeling. We were watching television together in the livingroom, and I said "We need to talk"

"About what?", He asked. He was still looking at the screen.

"About our relationship"

That made him turn off the television and finally look at me. "What about it?"

"I don't know how you feel about me, I don't know how to define what we have. I don't know what we're doing or where we're heading. I feel lost here. My whole life is a mess and I need.."

While I was saying this. He started running his hands over my ankles and calves. I had my feet draped over his lap. Just the feeling of his hands on me already caused me to tremble and I lose track of my words. He moved his hands up my legs, under my skirt and inner thighs. He just stroked the edge of my panties and I was already wet. I can't control how my body responds to him. It's like this heat rises up my entire body and my ears are ringing. I just give in to him and desire him.

I hate how he plays with me sometimes..just slipping a finger inside..then pulling away.. He looks at me so innocently, but he sees the need in my eyes. I see the bulge in his pants. We toy with eachother and feed off this yearning.

"Go on", He urged "I'm listening"

But by then I just wanted to feel his lips on mine, I wanted to feel him pushing inside of me. We were kissing and had sex on the sofa.

Afterwards, I felt empty.

How do I end this relationship? How do I fix up my life? How do I get out of this rut..this cycle... I love this and I hate this. I'm going nowhere.
posted by Iris at 8:29 AM | link

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Skeleton key

I'm watching "The Skeleton Key", some crappy film with Kate Hudson. I took the day off from work because I have a stomach virus.

While I was watching a scene with Kate Hudson and this realization hit me. Note: This has nothing to do with the movie or with Kate Hudson.

I want to break up with Michael.

This is the first time I've seriously thought of about this.

I felt like I needed him for so long. But I don't. I don't need him and I'm not even sure if he loves me. I'm not even sure if he ever loved me.

I'm staying in this relationship because of the sex.

That was what pulled us together in the first place, the sexual desire, the anticipation, the need, the passion.

But suddenly I'm sitting here on a sofa that belongs to him, in his apartment... alone, watching this movie that is supposed to be scary but isn't... and I'm wondering, .what the hell am I doing with my life?

My life is what's scary. I need to make a change.

It's not like typing this out is going to make it suddenly happen or anything. But at least I know it has to start at some fucking point.
posted by Iris at 4:27 PM | link

Saturday, January 07, 2006

A discovery

It's weird how you think you know someone and then you see them doing something that you never imagined. It just throws you off guard and you realize you didn't know that person at ALL.

Tonight, I came home early from work and I saw Michael leaning over the coffee table. His hair was spilling over his face, so I could see what he was doing. The music was blasting and he didn't even hear me come in.

"Hey.." I said entering the livingroom "HEY!"

He looked up in surprise. There was a mirror on the coffee table..and he was holding up a rolled up dollar bill.

I just thought "No..come on, you've got to be shitting me."

It just felt like those bad "Don't Do Drugs" commercials I remembered from my youth in the late 80's. It could have been in slow motion, with dramatic music. I was kind of shocked for a moment.

I didn't know that he did coke.

"What are you doing?", I asked

He just shrugged. He looked uneasy though.

"How long have you been snorting that stuff?", I asked, trying to keep my voice neutral.

"On and off, It's not a big deal", He patted the spot next to him on the sofa "Join me"

I hesitated. I was tired and I didn't feel up to drug experimentation. Plus I'm not into hard core stuff like that, I just avoid it. Drinking is one thing.. but that is another. I saw a friend spiral into an uncontrollable addiction in highschool. She was put in Rehab and was then transferred to a Mental Institution. It's not something I've had the desire to dabble in.

"No thanks", I muttered "I'm tired"

I walked past him into the bedroom. Then I sat there on the edge of the bed digesting what I just saw. It's too weird. I don't like it.. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know. I just didn't know he was into that. I know it's not a big deal, I've never seen him doing that before so it's not like he has a problem. Otherwise I would have noticed, He's not a junkie.

I don't know. It just..

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal about this. I don't even know why I'm writing about it.
posted by Iris at 12:57 AM | link

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A connection

Oh my god, I just had the most surreal experience..It wasn't even surreal. It just feels surreal.

You know, when you just connect with someone on a deeper level? You can't describe it, but it just makes you feel alive. We're all strangers on this planet, going about our business and living in our own heads. Then someone comes and rips you out of this for a moment. You just look into their eyes and you connect. It's not sexual, but something else. It's just for a moment, you feel like someone GETS you..

I was working at the deli this morning, the early shift from only 7:30-10:30. I was slicing meat absently when he entered.

A guy that was around twenty-something, Hair that was bleached on the tips, or maybe just grown out dye-job. Maybe he was out in the sun in California. I couldn't tell. He had warm eyes, a nice tan and wearing a gray sweater. Not my usual type, He wasn't dark and handsome, But he wasn't clean-cut either. Kind of a grungy mixture that is hard to place, or maybe I don't need to place. I don't know why we feel the need to put people into stereo-type cut-out description anyways.

He came up to the counter and asked for the standard bagel

"hold the creamcheese, just a bagel", He said

"Okay", I turned around to heat it up when he started singing.

"...And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
because I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

I turned around and just stared at him.

"Iris", He said "The goo goo dolls"

"How do you know my name?", I asked

He pointed to my name tag. I laughed and rolled my eyes. But something about having a song sung to me by a complete stranger threw me off guard and I couldn't focus. I was blushing, which is weird and kind of embarrassing to admit. The words also hit home for me...

"What's your name?", I asked

"Jonas"

I laughed and started singing my favorite weezer song from Middle school

"My name is Jonas!
I'm carrying the wheel.
Thanks for all you've shown us.
But this is how we feel.

and he joined in, We were singing this together and laughing at the same time...

Come sit next to me, pour yourself some tea.
Just like grandma made, when we couldn't find sleep.
Things were better then.
Once but never again..."

We stopped in the middle of the verse at the same time.

We looked at eachother and I looked down, because I felt like I had shared such a dorky moment with someone I didn't know and it felt odd. But good..really good. Like for a moment everything wasn't so gray and the sun was shining again. Like I woke up out of some weird depressive coma.

My boss came out of the backroom and I wrapped up the bagel for him. Then I rang it up. Another customer came in. Jonas said goodbye and walked out.

I bit my lip and smiled.

I'll probably never see him again, and I'm not going to get obsessed about this encounter.

1. I have a boyfriend
2. I love him.

But it just felt good and I wanted to write about it. I don't know..it just felt like a great way to start off the year. Yes, Random and not that earth shattering.

Michael and I went to a big party on New years, we got very very drunk and I passed out at 7 a.m. on the sofa. naked.

I woke up and saw Michael on the floor.

I have to confess something, but I don't feel the same stirring inside of me at the sight of his naked body. Not like I used to. I want to regain that passion again.
posted by Iris at 10:33 AM | link