Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Would you even consider this?

At 11 A.M., I pushed the buzzer on the apartment that matched the address the photographer had given me. I decided to go for a more classy look. I pulled my hair up in a loose bun, wore a bit of make up and a turtle-kneck sweater. I was pretty damn nervous though, and my hand was shaking.

He buzzed me in and I went up the stairs.

I was hoping to see a studio of some sort or a professional atmosphere. Instead I was confronted with an average apartment. There were model shots all over the walls and in the livingroom a backdrop with 3 separate cameras set up. It was fairly small and not so impressive. I began to feel uneasy. I wondered if maybe Michael was right. Maybe this guy WAS a sleazeball.

The photographer was really friendly, He offered me something to drink. "Water, juice, Beer, White wine?"

I took the white wine.

We sat in the livingroom just talking, I explained very openly my life situation and my financial standings. He listened closely and nodded sympathetically. It was good to get some of it out and he was really receptive.

"Okay, Here's how we'll start", He said "I need you to go to the bathroom, take down your hair and remove your make-up. I need clear shots with natural lighting. We need to see what you really look like, the glamour shots come later. That's not what a potential client wants to see"

So I went into his small bathroom, and washed my face. I stared at my reflection uneasily, and took down my hair.

"I can tell you right now, that the color of your hair might be an issue. It's very bright red, and I think something more natural might be appropriate or perhaps a blond.", He said "That's my two cents, you can take it or leave it. You have a nice facial structure, beautiful eyes and lips, a nice nose. Your cheek bones are very good too. You have a fresh youthful alluring face that is appealing. It really stands out. You wear too much mascara and eyeliner though."

I have to confess that some of what he was saying made me feel a bit defensive and uneasy.

"you're a good height, plus weight for this field though. Also very nice long legs"


It's weird being judged on your appearance, like it's a product to sell. It's not what you can do or what you think. Its how you look apparently.

He took a few shots, Some with a serious expression, from the front and side and also a smiling shot.

"Okay, I'm going to develop these and show these shots to some people. If we go on to do professional glamour shots, it WILL cost money. The money can be removed from your paycheck IF you get a job. But I can not promise you anything. You know this is, though. There are hundreds of people out there that want to break into modeling."

"I know, I just need money, I don't care what I do" I felt myself panicking.

He was quiet.

Now here's the part I'm not sure whether I should write about here, but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't care anymore. If you're going to judge me or get shocked. Just stop reading, please.

"I have an option for you, but I don't know if you would ever be willing to consider it or if bringing this up with offend you."

"just say it"

"Okay, I know someone that runs a pornographic website."

Oh god. I looked away uncomfortably.

"just hear me out", he continued. "He hires girls between 18-26. It's a private paying site so your pictures will not be availabe to anyone but members. I can show it to you first"

He logged on to the internet, while I stood there with my arms crossed. I wanted to escape.

"As you can see the girls are beautiful and it's tasteful. You would not have to engage in any form of sexual intercourse. he would ask you to remove your clothing and maybe touch yourself in some way. But no one would actually physically touch you in anyway. You would be completely safe. It's a professional film maker and this is a reputable business. This is not shady.", He said, He showed a brief clip of a girl in a room talking to the director and removing her clothing.

"I don't think so", I said shortly.

Then he told me how much I would make for one sitting. My jaw dropped. That was a lot more than I thought.

"Their very picky and particular about the kind of girl they are looking for, but you would be chosen, I can guarantee it. They don't pick heroin addicts off the street or anything. They're looking for beauty, class and vulnerability."

I sighed.

"Listen, just take this card and sleep on it. If you want to do it, you know who to call.", He said "It's an easy way to make money in only a few hours. I'm just giving you an option, you said you needed money and I'm only trying to help. I sincerely hope this did not offend you."

I told him it was okay, but I needed to go. I put the card in my pocket and left.

Now here's the thing. I didnt tell Michael about this encounter. But the sick part is that I'm actually considering this. Only a small small part of me is. I need the money, I could say it came from my mother. it would solve a great deal of our financial woes and I'm struggling with only the salary from my bartending job.

Believe me, this is not the ideal situation. But unless you live a day in my shoes. You have no right to judge me for considering it.

I dont' know, I just needed to type this out. This is crazy and makes me feel a bit sick. On the other hand, What if I just did it? It's only my body. If simply taking off my clothing can give me THAT much money...

I don't know.

I just don't have many options right now. I've been to 7 job interviews in the past 2 weeks. If we don't get money soon, we wont be able to pay our rent this month.

Anyway, I'm going to do some more job hunting tomorrow, I'm going to put the business card in my dresser for now. I need to go back to bed.
posted by Iris at 4:11 AM