Thursday, December 08, 2005

still alive

Alright, I'm still alive.

I realize it's been a while since I've written, It's just hard to collect my thoughts and put it into the written form lately. I've just been trying to pull the pieces of my life together and get everything to start feeling normal again.

Michael and I are back together. I came to the flat just before he left for work. When he saw me at the front door, He lifted me up and hugged me. Then he started crying and kissing me.

He kept whispering "Don't ever fucking do that again...Don't ever fucking do that again"

I promised him I wouldn't. He pulled me into the bedroom and started tearing off my clothing. I felt like he wasn't even making love to me, but trying to devour me. To feel every inch of me as close as possible, perhaps to reassure himself that I was there. I can't describe it.

But our relationship has been really intense..since all that stuff happened. The stuff I'm not going to write about ever again. I just want to pretend it didn't happen. There's this stigma attached to it, and it doesn't fit who I am. I don't want to die, I want to live. I want my life to get better. I'm not out to end it all. Trust me.

For a while Stacey and Carl were treating me strangely, as though I was made of glass. Like, if they made one wrong move, I would turn around and slit my wrists. I told them to cut it out.

I haven't seen Luke yet.

I found out why Michael has been so caught up in finances lately and asking me for rent money. The company that he runs with his father is going bankrupt, He might need to move to a cheaper flat. Which is why he needed my financial help, and he was too proud to explain why.

I've been looking for a new job and I've run into nothing but dead ends. I need money.

Today I'm going to call that man that gave me a business card a few weeks ago when I was working at TGI Fridays. I know Michael was wary of that and said that this person might be potentially shady. But truly, what is the worst that can happen?

He asks me to take nude photos and I say "No" and leave. Maybe he has a potential job for me, maybe he can help me out. Maybe he can get my foot in the door. I can't just be a bartender for the rest of my life. I'm NOT going to beg my mother for cash, and I don't want us to have to move into a cheaper flat.

I'll try to write in my diary on a daily basis again, It really is an outlet for me. I miss it.
posted by Iris at 10:35 AM