Friday, December 23, 2005

Not feeling the Christmas spirit

I haven't updated in a while because I couldn't.

My computer broke down and Michael had moved his home computer into the bedroom. So escaping to the office room in the middle of the night to type an entry is now impossible. I would have to type it while he laid in bed across the room with a full view of the screen.

Right now it's really important to me that he doesn't discover this diary. I would have to shut down and I need this outlet. I need to type out my feelings, it calms me and I'm able to go back and look at the stuff I'm dealing with more objectively later on. It doesn't all just pile up in my head and cause complete angst.

I have a new job at a Deli, It's family-owned with 3 other employees. The father, Mother and daughter (who is 2 years younger than me and Mormon). I can't relate to anyone there or show my true self. I have to smile and dress very conservative. I have to be pleasant with all the customers to an insane degree so that they return because we have a larger chain across the street that we're competing with.

I hate it. But I need this job right now. After having doors slammed in my face, I'll take what I can get. I also still have my night time bartending job, so I'm tired all the time.

Michael has been moody lately and distant. For the past few nights he's been coming home later than usual and going straight to bed. I don't know if it's the stress of the company failing or if he's having an affair. All I know is that it's leaving me feeling very lost and very alone.

My Mother wants me to come home for Christmas, But I don't want to see her right now. Luke brought over a gift that's been lying on my coffee table for two days because I'm afraid to open it. I'm afraid it will bring up all these feelings of guilt inside and I can't handle that right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend the holidays with Michael's parents.

I'm dreading Christmas. Right now I'm just downing a bottle of spiked egg nog and trying to make everything a pleasant blur so I can handle it all.

My sister said my mother bought me a laptop for Christmas, while this excites me on one hand, It also makes me feel like I'm going to owe her something in return.

She's not the kind of mother that gives gifts purely out of the goodness of her heart. There are always strings attached.

At least I haven't pulled out the business card for the porn site. So I'm still doing pretty good.

Merry Fucking Christmas.
posted by Iris at 1:43 PM