Friday, December 30, 2005

End of the year

I have a laptop now. It was a christmas gift from my mother.

Now I can write here more often and undisturbed any time I want, Which is kind of nice. Today I sat down and went through a lot of blogs that I had fallen behind in. I caught up. I noticed that a lot of people are looking back at the year 2005 and making resolutions for the New Years.

Looking back at this year in my life. I realize that so much has changed. I turned 21, I met Michael, I met Luke. I got engaged, I broke off the engagement. I moved out of my flat, I was broke. I was down and out and lost. I moved in with Stacey, then I moved in with Michael. The biggest event was getting together with him. I also had a complete breakdown and had to build myself up again. I went through a number of jobs, the only one that didn't change was my bartending job. I've worked in the photo department of Walmart, T.G.I. Fridays, A deli and Starbucks.

What a job resume to brag about, let me tell you.

I also lost my cat. This is something I didn't write about because I was so upset about it. I left the window open and he climbed down the fire escape or something. I put out flyers, but he's gone. This happened last month.

Not that I blame my cat for wanting to leave. What kind of life did I offer him? He wasn't the same after my last move. He just hid under the sofa and hissed at everyone. He was a stray cat in the beginning when I first found him, it was his nature to be free. But it hurt so bad and I felt distraught when it happened.

Other people are graduating college, getting married, having successful jobs and traveling around the world. They're having children and sharing photos of their beautiful lives. They have friends, tons of friends. What do I have? This entire year I stayed in the same place. Just moving from one crappy situation to the next. I have no accomplishments to speak of.

I noticed that many people were doing this in their blogs, I'm seeing it everywhere. I thought I would try it too. You just copy the first sentence from the first diary post of every month. This is what I came up with.

February: So what's the verdict? Is there such thing as true love that lasts forever?

March: I met him at work, He was the guy with dark piercing eyes and hair hanging over his face that was at the end of the bar nursing a vodka tonic.

April: Michael was there at work today.He was actually there.

May: I haven't updated in a while.

June: The days have been empty and passing slowly

July: Last night at work, I saw him.

August: Okay, there has been a major development in my life that occured in the past 17 hours.

September: I'm nervous about living with Michael.

October: I'm really nervous right now.

November: Michael didn't come home last night.

December: I removed the previous post from public view because it was a little too personal and painful to keep out there.

I noticed that most of my entries deal with my confusion, feeling nervous about something, a relationship struggle or with Michael. In fact, this entire year was just about Michael. That is pathetic. I need to change that. I can't depend on a man to make me happy. I have to find that happiness within myself.

So that's my New Years resolution.

Find out who I am. ME.

And drink less.

There's more to say, but I have to sign off and get ready for work.
posted by Iris at 12:37 PM