Friday, December 30, 2005

End of the year

I have a laptop now. It was a christmas gift from my mother.

Now I can write here more often and undisturbed any time I want, Which is kind of nice. Today I sat down and went through a lot of blogs that I had fallen behind in. I caught up. I noticed that a lot of people are looking back at the year 2005 and making resolutions for the New Years.

Looking back at this year in my life. I realize that so much has changed. I turned 21, I met Michael, I met Luke. I got engaged, I broke off the engagement. I moved out of my flat, I was broke. I was down and out and lost. I moved in with Stacey, then I moved in with Michael. The biggest event was getting together with him. I also had a complete breakdown and had to build myself up again. I went through a number of jobs, the only one that didn't change was my bartending job. I've worked in the photo department of Walmart, T.G.I. Fridays, A deli and Starbucks.

What a job resume to brag about, let me tell you.

I also lost my cat. This is something I didn't write about because I was so upset about it. I left the window open and he climbed down the fire escape or something. I put out flyers, but he's gone. This happened last month.

Not that I blame my cat for wanting to leave. What kind of life did I offer him? He wasn't the same after my last move. He just hid under the sofa and hissed at everyone. He was a stray cat in the beginning when I first found him, it was his nature to be free. But it hurt so bad and I felt distraught when it happened.

Other people are graduating college, getting married, having successful jobs and traveling around the world. They're having children and sharing photos of their beautiful lives. They have friends, tons of friends. What do I have? This entire year I stayed in the same place. Just moving from one crappy situation to the next. I have no accomplishments to speak of.

I noticed that many people were doing this in their blogs, I'm seeing it everywhere. I thought I would try it too. You just copy the first sentence from the first diary post of every month. This is what I came up with.

February: So what's the verdict? Is there such thing as true love that lasts forever?

March: I met him at work, He was the guy with dark piercing eyes and hair hanging over his face that was at the end of the bar nursing a vodka tonic.

April: Michael was there at work today.He was actually there.

May: I haven't updated in a while.

June: The days have been empty and passing slowly

July: Last night at work, I saw him.

August: Okay, there has been a major development in my life that occured in the past 17 hours.

September: I'm nervous about living with Michael.

October: I'm really nervous right now.

November: Michael didn't come home last night.

December: I removed the previous post from public view because it was a little too personal and painful to keep out there.

I noticed that most of my entries deal with my confusion, feeling nervous about something, a relationship struggle or with Michael. In fact, this entire year was just about Michael. That is pathetic. I need to change that. I can't depend on a man to make me happy. I have to find that happiness within myself.

So that's my New Years resolution.

Find out who I am. ME.

And drink less.

There's more to say, but I have to sign off and get ready for work.
posted by Iris at 12:37 PM | link

Friday, December 23, 2005

Not feeling the Christmas spirit

I haven't updated in a while because I couldn't.

My computer broke down and Michael had moved his home computer into the bedroom. So escaping to the office room in the middle of the night to type an entry is now impossible. I would have to type it while he laid in bed across the room with a full view of the screen.

Right now it's really important to me that he doesn't discover this diary. I would have to shut down and I need this outlet. I need to type out my feelings, it calms me and I'm able to go back and look at the stuff I'm dealing with more objectively later on. It doesn't all just pile up in my head and cause complete angst.

I have a new job at a Deli, It's family-owned with 3 other employees. The father, Mother and daughter (who is 2 years younger than me and Mormon). I can't relate to anyone there or show my true self. I have to smile and dress very conservative. I have to be pleasant with all the customers to an insane degree so that they return because we have a larger chain across the street that we're competing with.

I hate it. But I need this job right now. After having doors slammed in my face, I'll take what I can get. I also still have my night time bartending job, so I'm tired all the time.

Michael has been moody lately and distant. For the past few nights he's been coming home later than usual and going straight to bed. I don't know if it's the stress of the company failing or if he's having an affair. All I know is that it's leaving me feeling very lost and very alone.

My Mother wants me to come home for Christmas, But I don't want to see her right now. Luke brought over a gift that's been lying on my coffee table for two days because I'm afraid to open it. I'm afraid it will bring up all these feelings of guilt inside and I can't handle that right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to spend the holidays with Michael's parents.

I'm dreading Christmas. Right now I'm just downing a bottle of spiked egg nog and trying to make everything a pleasant blur so I can handle it all.

My sister said my mother bought me a laptop for Christmas, while this excites me on one hand, It also makes me feel like I'm going to owe her something in return.

She's not the kind of mother that gives gifts purely out of the goodness of her heart. There are always strings attached.

At least I haven't pulled out the business card for the porn site. So I'm still doing pretty good.

Merry Fucking Christmas.
posted by Iris at 1:43 PM | link

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Would you even consider this?

At 11 A.M., I pushed the buzzer on the apartment that matched the address the photographer had given me. I decided to go for a more classy look. I pulled my hair up in a loose bun, wore a bit of make up and a turtle-kneck sweater. I was pretty damn nervous though, and my hand was shaking.

He buzzed me in and I went up the stairs.

I was hoping to see a studio of some sort or a professional atmosphere. Instead I was confronted with an average apartment. There were model shots all over the walls and in the livingroom a backdrop with 3 separate cameras set up. It was fairly small and not so impressive. I began to feel uneasy. I wondered if maybe Michael was right. Maybe this guy WAS a sleazeball.

The photographer was really friendly, He offered me something to drink. "Water, juice, Beer, White wine?"

I took the white wine.

We sat in the livingroom just talking, I explained very openly my life situation and my financial standings. He listened closely and nodded sympathetically. It was good to get some of it out and he was really receptive.

"Okay, Here's how we'll start", He said "I need you to go to the bathroom, take down your hair and remove your make-up. I need clear shots with natural lighting. We need to see what you really look like, the glamour shots come later. That's not what a potential client wants to see"

So I went into his small bathroom, and washed my face. I stared at my reflection uneasily, and took down my hair.

"I can tell you right now, that the color of your hair might be an issue. It's very bright red, and I think something more natural might be appropriate or perhaps a blond.", He said "That's my two cents, you can take it or leave it. You have a nice facial structure, beautiful eyes and lips, a nice nose. Your cheek bones are very good too. You have a fresh youthful alluring face that is appealing. It really stands out. You wear too much mascara and eyeliner though."

I have to confess that some of what he was saying made me feel a bit defensive and uneasy.

"you're a good height, plus weight for this field though. Also very nice long legs"


It's weird being judged on your appearance, like it's a product to sell. It's not what you can do or what you think. Its how you look apparently.

He took a few shots, Some with a serious expression, from the front and side and also a smiling shot.

"Okay, I'm going to develop these and show these shots to some people. If we go on to do professional glamour shots, it WILL cost money. The money can be removed from your paycheck IF you get a job. But I can not promise you anything. You know this is, though. There are hundreds of people out there that want to break into modeling."

"I know, I just need money, I don't care what I do" I felt myself panicking.

He was quiet.

Now here's the part I'm not sure whether I should write about here, but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't care anymore. If you're going to judge me or get shocked. Just stop reading, please.

"I have an option for you, but I don't know if you would ever be willing to consider it or if bringing this up with offend you."

"just say it"

"Okay, I know someone that runs a pornographic website."

Oh god. I looked away uncomfortably.

"just hear me out", he continued. "He hires girls between 18-26. It's a private paying site so your pictures will not be availabe to anyone but members. I can show it to you first"

He logged on to the internet, while I stood there with my arms crossed. I wanted to escape.

"As you can see the girls are beautiful and it's tasteful. You would not have to engage in any form of sexual intercourse. he would ask you to remove your clothing and maybe touch yourself in some way. But no one would actually physically touch you in anyway. You would be completely safe. It's a professional film maker and this is a reputable business. This is not shady.", He said, He showed a brief clip of a girl in a room talking to the director and removing her clothing.

"I don't think so", I said shortly.

Then he told me how much I would make for one sitting. My jaw dropped. That was a lot more than I thought.

"Their very picky and particular about the kind of girl they are looking for, but you would be chosen, I can guarantee it. They don't pick heroin addicts off the street or anything. They're looking for beauty, class and vulnerability."

I sighed.

"Listen, just take this card and sleep on it. If you want to do it, you know who to call.", He said "It's an easy way to make money in only a few hours. I'm just giving you an option, you said you needed money and I'm only trying to help. I sincerely hope this did not offend you."

I told him it was okay, but I needed to go. I put the card in my pocket and left.

Now here's the thing. I didnt tell Michael about this encounter. But the sick part is that I'm actually considering this. Only a small small part of me is. I need the money, I could say it came from my mother. it would solve a great deal of our financial woes and I'm struggling with only the salary from my bartending job.

Believe me, this is not the ideal situation. But unless you live a day in my shoes. You have no right to judge me for considering it.

I dont' know, I just needed to type this out. This is crazy and makes me feel a bit sick. On the other hand, What if I just did it? It's only my body. If simply taking off my clothing can give me THAT much money...

I don't know.

I just don't have many options right now. I've been to 7 job interviews in the past 2 weeks. If we don't get money soon, we wont be able to pay our rent this month.

Anyway, I'm going to do some more job hunting tomorrow, I'm going to put the business card in my dresser for now. I need to go back to bed.
posted by Iris at 4:11 AM | link

Monday, December 12, 2005

an appointment

I love when Michael cups my breasts in his hand and pushes inside of me from behind. He's so gentle and it's so intense. I just get lost in the feeling and everything bad fades away. It's just us, in that moment.

The taste of his skin, the feel of his lips, his hands..

I think our bodies were made for eachother..

When I think back to last night I feel myself tremble and I want more. I probably shouldn't write about this, it's not helping.

Besides, I have other things I have to think about..

On Friday, I called the man from the business card, I don't want to write his name. So I'll just call him "Mr. Photographer.",

He wants to meet with me today, at 11 A.M., He gave me the address over the phone. I explained to him that I wasn't actually a model and that I really don't have any experience, but that I'm interested. Also that I need money. He was really friendly.

I'm not sure what to wear. Should I try to look modern and Classy? Like a black turtle neck and my hair pulled up? Or should I try to look trendy? A skirt with knee-high boots with my hair down? What about make-up? Do I go for the natural look, or should I accentuate certain features? I'm clueless.

I'm also nervous because I didn't tell Michael about this. I knew he would disapprove and try to talk me out of the meeting.

But I'll feel it out myself and if it goes well..THEN I'll tell him. Otherwise he'll just worry and get bent out of shape.

I'm sure it'll be fine. I know it's not going to be like a bad television drama where the girl finds out that the photographer is a sleazy bastard wants her to remove all of her clothing and have sex with her.
posted by Iris at 8:35 AM | link

Thursday, December 08, 2005

still alive

Alright, I'm still alive.

I realize it's been a while since I've written, It's just hard to collect my thoughts and put it into the written form lately. I've just been trying to pull the pieces of my life together and get everything to start feeling normal again.

Michael and I are back together. I came to the flat just before he left for work. When he saw me at the front door, He lifted me up and hugged me. Then he started crying and kissing me.

He kept whispering "Don't ever fucking do that again...Don't ever fucking do that again"

I promised him I wouldn't. He pulled me into the bedroom and started tearing off my clothing. I felt like he wasn't even making love to me, but trying to devour me. To feel every inch of me as close as possible, perhaps to reassure himself that I was there. I can't describe it.

But our relationship has been really intense..since all that stuff happened. The stuff I'm not going to write about ever again. I just want to pretend it didn't happen. There's this stigma attached to it, and it doesn't fit who I am. I don't want to die, I want to live. I want my life to get better. I'm not out to end it all. Trust me.

For a while Stacey and Carl were treating me strangely, as though I was made of glass. Like, if they made one wrong move, I would turn around and slit my wrists. I told them to cut it out.

I haven't seen Luke yet.

I found out why Michael has been so caught up in finances lately and asking me for rent money. The company that he runs with his father is going bankrupt, He might need to move to a cheaper flat. Which is why he needed my financial help, and he was too proud to explain why.

I've been looking for a new job and I've run into nothing but dead ends. I need money.

Today I'm going to call that man that gave me a business card a few weeks ago when I was working at TGI Fridays. I know Michael was wary of that and said that this person might be potentially shady. But truly, what is the worst that can happen?

He asks me to take nude photos and I say "No" and leave. Maybe he has a potential job for me, maybe he can help me out. Maybe he can get my foot in the door. I can't just be a bartender for the rest of my life. I'm NOT going to beg my mother for cash, and I don't want us to have to move into a cheaper flat.

I'll try to write in my diary on a daily basis again, It really is an outlet for me. I miss it.
posted by Iris at 10:35 AM | link

Thursday, December 01, 2005

A new beginning

I removed the previous post from public view because it was a little too personal and painful to keep out there. I didn't feel comfortable at the thought of anyone from my life finding it.

The truth is, I don't want to look back on last week's events. I just want to look forward now.

I have my bags packed, I'm leaving my Mom's house and returning to Michael.

We're going to work it all out, we just need to have a long talk. I haven't seen him since I went into the hospital last week.

I lost my job at TGI Fridays, but that's not a great loss. (or surprise). My boss wasn't very understanding and hired a new employee to replace me during my absense. I still have my bartending job. I'm going to start going through the classified section for a new part time job this week.

I'm trying to keep the right perspective. It's going to get better. I just know it. It's really early morning, surprisingly I had a full night's sleep.

I'm ready to face the day. It's time to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself. It's not getting me anywhere.
posted by Iris at 5:16 AM | link