Saturday, November 19, 2005

Visiting the ex

I'm typing this entry on Carl's home computer, It's 5 A.M. and I still haven't slept. I'm exhausted, so this might make little sense. I just need to get this out because today was a horrible day and I feel like complete shit.

I screwed up everything.

I don't even know where to start. I just need to get this off my chest, because I can't remember the last time I felt THIS low.

Tonight I was supposed to go out for dinner with Michael.

I was all dressed up and sitting on the livingroom sofa flipping through channels on the television set. I was waiting patiently for him to return home. He was supposed to arrive at 7:30, but at 8:45 he still wasn't there. I kept glancing at my watch and feeling anxious.

My anxiety switched over to anger, I started drinking. I pulled out the bottle of Absolut I have stashed in a bag behind the computer table. I know this makes me sound like an alcoholic. It's probably not healthy to hide alcohol around the house for emergency situations.

Maybe I do have a problem. But I don't want to talk about that right now.

At 9:30 I was standing in the middle of the livingroom drunk and started crying.

WHERE THE HELL WAS HE???

I tried to reach him on his cellphone but he had it shut off. Suddenly I felt foolish, lost and sad. I threw the phone across the room and wanted to start screaming on the top of my lungs. I grabbed my jacket and left the house. I didn't want to be standing there looking like a pathetic idiot when he returned. I wanted him to wonder and worry about him, the way he makes ME wonder and worry.

I walked to Luke's apartment.

I didn't intend to go there, but I ended up infront of his door. I don't know why, I don't know what I was searching for or what I was doing. I just needed to see someone that actually cared about me for a change. I know that visiting your ex-boyfriend when you're drunk and angry at your current boyfriend is a stupid idea. It might have been the dumbest thing I've done in a long long time.

Luke opened the door and when he saw me standing there, his jaw dropped.

I instantly fell in his arms and held him close. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I can't remember everything I said. It was something along the lines of "I'm sorry..I'm so sorry..I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did..I'm sorry for leaving you.. I'm sorry for everything..I'm so so so sorry...."

I was so smashed and I wasn't thinking clearly. I was just filled with so much pain and regret.

He took me into the livingroom and held me in his arms while I cried on the sofa. He stroked my hair and kept whispering that it was "going to be okay". It felt so good just lying there with my head on his lap while he touched my face lovingly and with compassion. I felt like I had come home, I just needed to feel needed. I needed to feel less alone.

We talked a lot..I can't remember everything that was said.

Then at 11, I asked "Can I stay here tonight?", We stared at eachother, I don't know why I asked that or what I wanted from him. I didn't intend on sleeping him. I just wanted to lay in his arms and feel comfort. I also wanted to hurt Michael and make him worry about my whereabouts. I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I'm being honest, okay? I'm not playing games and I'm writing the truth. Don't crucify me for that. I'm only human, I make mistakes.

This was one of them.

Luke was quiet, then he said "My girlfriend might be dropping by at midnight, but you can sleep here on the sofa", he said quietly "I'll get you some blankets, okay?"

HIS GIRLFRIEND??

I sat up straight and looked at him in horror. Suddenly feeling like a huge idiot. "you have a girlfriend?", I asked

"Yes.. did you think I was just sitting around here waiting for you to come back to me? Of course I moved on, Iris."

"Why didn't you tell me about your girlfriend when I first came in??"

"Why would I do that? You were upset.. I wanted to comfort you!"

I got up off the sofa shakily. "I'm sorry", I started crying "I feel so stupid.. I need to go.."

He begged me not to go and to stay there and talk. But I left his apartment. Then I was back on the street, feeling guilty, stupid, foolish and confused. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I didn't want to return to Michael's apartment. I didn't want to go see my Mom. I knew that Stacey was out with her fiance. So I went to Carl's apartment.

Carl wasn't there, so I sat on the steps of his building in the cold waiting for an hour for him to return. He had gone out dancing and was surprised to see me sitting on his front steps when he returned.

He let me in and I just poured everything out to him. We sat at his kitchen table for hours drinking beers and talking about everything. I'm so grateful for his friendship. He just went to sleep an hour ago and told me I could use his computer to surf the internet until I could fall asleep. He set up the guest bed.

So now here I am.

That was my fucked up night from hell. I don't know what I'm doing. I know I should call Michael and let him know where I am, but I don't want to. I'm going to go to sleep now and see how I feel in the morning.

I already feel better just because I wrote this down. I'll handle the consequences of my actions tomorrow. Right now, I just need to escape into my sleep and make this all just go away.
posted by Iris at 5:10 AM