Monday, November 07, 2005

Jealousy

Have you ever felt happy for a friend and jealous..at the same time?

On Saturday I went to help Stacey pick out the fabric for her wedding gown. She's going to make it herself from scratch. She was so excited and so alive. Her face was flushed and she spoke about how deeply she was in love. She has found the one she wants to be with and she knows it in her heart. She's in her 30's, but she looked about 21 years old while she spoke. It was like this new youthfulness from being so damn happy.

I can't believe she's engaged.. I met her boyfriend and although we didn't exactly hit it off. He seems like a good guy in general.

"Do you think Michael will ever ask me to marry him?", I asked while we strolled past rolls and rolls of fabric. (I haven't got a clue when it comes to sewing, fabric..or anything. I wasn't much help)

Stacey didn't answer.

"I mean, we're living together now..", I continued. "I know I love him..and.."

Then she said something that was really hurtful.

"He's not going to marry you, Iris. It's about sex and lust. You have chemistry and that's great. But you knew what you were getting into. You made the decision to leave Luke, who was ready to commit the rest of his life to you and be with Michael who obviously isn't. Probably never will"

ouch.

"You should have stayed with Luke. I told you from the beginning that a man like him comes once in a lifetime. They are few and far between."

"But you TOLD me to pursue my desires for Michael!"

"Yeah..to get it out of your SYSTEM without it affecting your relationship and engagement with luke"

"But that's fucked up! How could I have done that??"

"I'm sorry, lets change the subject"

Afterwards, I told her I was tired and I left to go home. I wasn't tired, I was just pissed off. I kept thinking of what she said.. and it just kept going over and over in my head. The more I thought about it..the more it bothered me. What I've always loved about Stacey is how frank she is and honest about what she thinks. But that honesty can hurt.

Yesterday afternoon after work, I came home to Michael lounging on the sofa reading a magazine. I stood in front of him and unbuttoned my shirt. He watched me as I pulled it off and unlatched my bra. Then I pulled down my skirt, standing there only in my panties. I looked at his dilated pupils, the way his breathing changed and the bulge in his pants.

We had sex on the livingroom floor.

Afterwards, I whispered "I love you" looking directly in his eyes. He just kissed me and then hugged me tightly. We just lay there in silence, my head on his chest..

He didn't say it back.

Why didn't he say it back??

Am I becoming neurotic in putting so much weight in those three words? He said it once..why wont he say it again? What if he doesn't love me? What if Stacey is right? This is all about sex and that's it. It's just lust..not love. What if I was a fool for leaving an engagement with a future..for a dead end relationship?? What if I'm just a stupid stupid dumb slut that was motivated by the urging inbetween my legs instead of logic??

I hate the way I sound right now.

I'm just terrified that I made a big mistake.

I don't even have the urge to write about my recent negative experience at T.G.I. Fridays.. I'm just too tired right now. I feel like I never have anything positive to write about, I don't even know why I update. Do I really want to remember feeling this way?
posted by Iris at 1:13 PM