Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Getting old

Last night after Michael and I had sex I felt strangely depressed. I listened to the sound of his breathing while he slept and felt the weight of his arm draped over my shoulder. I stared at the reflections that were being cast around the dark room from the light coming in from the bedroom window. I heard the creaking of the radiator, and some laughter from a party going on in the apartment downstairs.

I felt like I couldn't breath all of a sudden and I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. It was like a panic attack hit. I felt like the bed was engulfing me and the room was closing in.

I got out of bed and walked across the hardwood floor with my barefeet to the bathroom.

I turned on the lights and stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror.

I just gazed at my naked body..

I stared at my eyes..with the mascara smudged slightly underneath my eyelid..I searched for the first sign of wrinkles. My cheeks were flushed and my lips looked redder than usual. I had 2 new hickies on my neck..and a scratch above my bellybutton. I looked at my breasts..

I wondered when they would start to sag..when my arms would start to jiggle. I turned around and looked critically at my rear..

I realized that my body was okay. That this was it. As good as it's going to get. From this point on, it was only going to go downhill.

But none of this matters.

My body isn't going to get me a good job, or a college education. It's not going to change anything. Some people put so much emphasis on body image, and weight. I wish that was all I had to worry about.

I worry that I'm going to end up nowhere and a nobody. This girl that was "pretty" once, but did absolutely shit with her life.

This realization scares me. I'm alone. I'm completely alone. No one is going to help me, I just have to help myself. I don't even know where to start. It's so much easier to just drown these thoughts away with alcohol. After a few shots, these feelings become fuzzy.

Which is what I did. I pulled the tequila out of the kitchen cabinet and sat naked on the counter. I just drank it out of the bottle. Once I felt good ..I woke up Michael, and we had sex again. He was rough and it was passionate. The sheets ended up on the floor..It felt so good I cried.

Or maybe it was because It felt so bad.

I don't know anymore.
posted by Iris at 10:11 PM