Saturday, November 19, 2005

Visiting the ex

I'm typing this entry on Carl's home computer, It's 5 A.M. and I still haven't slept. I'm exhausted, so this might make little sense. I just need to get this out because today was a horrible day and I feel like complete shit.

I screwed up everything.

I don't even know where to start. I just need to get this off my chest, because I can't remember the last time I felt THIS low.

Tonight I was supposed to go out for dinner with Michael.

I was all dressed up and sitting on the livingroom sofa flipping through channels on the television set. I was waiting patiently for him to return home. He was supposed to arrive at 7:30, but at 8:45 he still wasn't there. I kept glancing at my watch and feeling anxious.

My anxiety switched over to anger, I started drinking. I pulled out the bottle of Absolut I have stashed in a bag behind the computer table. I know this makes me sound like an alcoholic. It's probably not healthy to hide alcohol around the house for emergency situations.

Maybe I do have a problem. But I don't want to talk about that right now.

At 9:30 I was standing in the middle of the livingroom drunk and started crying.

WHERE THE HELL WAS HE???

I tried to reach him on his cellphone but he had it shut off. Suddenly I felt foolish, lost and sad. I threw the phone across the room and wanted to start screaming on the top of my lungs. I grabbed my jacket and left the house. I didn't want to be standing there looking like a pathetic idiot when he returned. I wanted him to wonder and worry about him, the way he makes ME wonder and worry.

I walked to Luke's apartment.

I didn't intend to go there, but I ended up infront of his door. I don't know why, I don't know what I was searching for or what I was doing. I just needed to see someone that actually cared about me for a change. I know that visiting your ex-boyfriend when you're drunk and angry at your current boyfriend is a stupid idea. It might have been the dumbest thing I've done in a long long time.

Luke opened the door and when he saw me standing there, his jaw dropped.

I instantly fell in his arms and held him close. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I can't remember everything I said. It was something along the lines of "I'm sorry..I'm so sorry..I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did..I'm sorry for leaving you.. I'm sorry for everything..I'm so so so sorry...."

I was so smashed and I wasn't thinking clearly. I was just filled with so much pain and regret.

He took me into the livingroom and held me in his arms while I cried on the sofa. He stroked my hair and kept whispering that it was "going to be okay". It felt so good just lying there with my head on his lap while he touched my face lovingly and with compassion. I felt like I had come home, I just needed to feel needed. I needed to feel less alone.

We talked a lot..I can't remember everything that was said.

Then at 11, I asked "Can I stay here tonight?", We stared at eachother, I don't know why I asked that or what I wanted from him. I didn't intend on sleeping him. I just wanted to lay in his arms and feel comfort. I also wanted to hurt Michael and make him worry about my whereabouts. I know that makes me sound like a bitch, but I'm being honest, okay? I'm not playing games and I'm writing the truth. Don't crucify me for that. I'm only human, I make mistakes.

This was one of them.

Luke was quiet, then he said "My girlfriend might be dropping by at midnight, but you can sleep here on the sofa", he said quietly "I'll get you some blankets, okay?"

HIS GIRLFRIEND??

I sat up straight and looked at him in horror. Suddenly feeling like a huge idiot. "you have a girlfriend?", I asked

"Yes.. did you think I was just sitting around here waiting for you to come back to me? Of course I moved on, Iris."

"Why didn't you tell me about your girlfriend when I first came in??"

"Why would I do that? You were upset.. I wanted to comfort you!"

I got up off the sofa shakily. "I'm sorry", I started crying "I feel so stupid.. I need to go.."

He begged me not to go and to stay there and talk. But I left his apartment. Then I was back on the street, feeling guilty, stupid, foolish and confused. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I didn't want to return to Michael's apartment. I didn't want to go see my Mom. I knew that Stacey was out with her fiance. So I went to Carl's apartment.

Carl wasn't there, so I sat on the steps of his building in the cold waiting for an hour for him to return. He had gone out dancing and was surprised to see me sitting on his front steps when he returned.

He let me in and I just poured everything out to him. We sat at his kitchen table for hours drinking beers and talking about everything. I'm so grateful for his friendship. He just went to sleep an hour ago and told me I could use his computer to surf the internet until I could fall asleep. He set up the guest bed.

So now here I am.

That was my fucked up night from hell. I don't know what I'm doing. I know I should call Michael and let him know where I am, but I don't want to. I'm going to go to sleep now and see how I feel in the morning.

I already feel better just because I wrote this down. I'll handle the consequences of my actions tomorrow. Right now, I just need to escape into my sleep and make this all just go away.
posted by Iris at 5:10 AM | link

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Closing the door

I haven't had much of an urge to update lately. I've been feeling depressed and lethargic. The days are kind of blending into eachother. It's all just a gray trail of meaningless events.

Today at T.G.I. fridays, A man I was serving suddenly reached out and grabbed my arm.

"You're a model right?", He asked "Or part time actress..waitressing on the side for extra money?"

I stared at him. I was tempted to be honest and admit that I'm not. Admit that this is all I've got, I'm not doing anything with my life..on the side.

But instead I froze and than nodded. It made me sound like I had something going on. What an appealing thought. The struggling actress forced to be a waitress while she pursues her dream. There was a time when I believed I could be on stage, there was a time that I believed I could be famous. I wanted to study dramatic arts in a nice college and someday perform on stage. Those childhood dreams are over.

The man handed me his card. "I have a modeling agency, we could use your face", He said "feel free to call me"

I took the card in my hand, turned it over a few times and then shoved it in my apron. I nodded politely and went to fill his order.

But later I pulled it out and ran my finger over the laminated words. Should I call him? Could this be the break that famous actresses talk about?

I showed it to Michael, He just laughed and tossed it on the coffee table.

"It's a scam, they do this all the time", He said "Next thing you know he'll be asking you to take off your clothing in a photo shoot for chunk change. Don't fall for it, Iris. I know how people like this work. They take a pretty girl and promise her the world. It's bullshit"

I taped the business card it into my scrapbook and closed it.

I wasn't just closing the scrapbook, I've officially closed the door on all my dreams.

It's Saturday night, Michael left to go pick up some friends. I need to get dressed. I don't feel like going out, but I don't feel like staying home and staring at this flickering computer screen either.
posted by Iris at 8:32 PM | link

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Getting old

Last night after Michael and I had sex I felt strangely depressed. I listened to the sound of his breathing while he slept and felt the weight of his arm draped over my shoulder. I stared at the reflections that were being cast around the dark room from the light coming in from the bedroom window. I heard the creaking of the radiator, and some laughter from a party going on in the apartment downstairs.

I felt like I couldn't breath all of a sudden and I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. It was like a panic attack hit. I felt like the bed was engulfing me and the room was closing in.

I got out of bed and walked across the hardwood floor with my barefeet to the bathroom.

I turned on the lights and stared at my reflection in the full-length mirror.

I just gazed at my naked body..

I stared at my eyes..with the mascara smudged slightly underneath my eyelid..I searched for the first sign of wrinkles. My cheeks were flushed and my lips looked redder than usual. I had 2 new hickies on my neck..and a scratch above my bellybutton. I looked at my breasts..

I wondered when they would start to sag..when my arms would start to jiggle. I turned around and looked critically at my rear..

I realized that my body was okay. That this was it. As good as it's going to get. From this point on, it was only going to go downhill.

But none of this matters.

My body isn't going to get me a good job, or a college education. It's not going to change anything. Some people put so much emphasis on body image, and weight. I wish that was all I had to worry about.

I worry that I'm going to end up nowhere and a nobody. This girl that was "pretty" once, but did absolutely shit with her life.

This realization scares me. I'm alone. I'm completely alone. No one is going to help me, I just have to help myself. I don't even know where to start. It's so much easier to just drown these thoughts away with alcohol. After a few shots, these feelings become fuzzy.

Which is what I did. I pulled the tequila out of the kitchen cabinet and sat naked on the counter. I just drank it out of the bottle. Once I felt good ..I woke up Michael, and we had sex again. He was rough and it was passionate. The sheets ended up on the floor..It felt so good I cried.

Or maybe it was because It felt so bad.

I don't know anymore.
posted by Iris at 10:11 PM | link

Monday, November 07, 2005

Jealousy

Have you ever felt happy for a friend and jealous..at the same time?

On Saturday I went to help Stacey pick out the fabric for her wedding gown. She's going to make it herself from scratch. She was so excited and so alive. Her face was flushed and she spoke about how deeply she was in love. She has found the one she wants to be with and she knows it in her heart. She's in her 30's, but she looked about 21 years old while she spoke. It was like this new youthfulness from being so damn happy.

I can't believe she's engaged.. I met her boyfriend and although we didn't exactly hit it off. He seems like a good guy in general.

"Do you think Michael will ever ask me to marry him?", I asked while we strolled past rolls and rolls of fabric. (I haven't got a clue when it comes to sewing, fabric..or anything. I wasn't much help)

Stacey didn't answer.

"I mean, we're living together now..", I continued. "I know I love him..and.."

Then she said something that was really hurtful.

"He's not going to marry you, Iris. It's about sex and lust. You have chemistry and that's great. But you knew what you were getting into. You made the decision to leave Luke, who was ready to commit the rest of his life to you and be with Michael who obviously isn't. Probably never will"

ouch.

"You should have stayed with Luke. I told you from the beginning that a man like him comes once in a lifetime. They are few and far between."

"But you TOLD me to pursue my desires for Michael!"

"Yeah..to get it out of your SYSTEM without it affecting your relationship and engagement with luke"

"But that's fucked up! How could I have done that??"

"I'm sorry, lets change the subject"

Afterwards, I told her I was tired and I left to go home. I wasn't tired, I was just pissed off. I kept thinking of what she said.. and it just kept going over and over in my head. The more I thought about it..the more it bothered me. What I've always loved about Stacey is how frank she is and honest about what she thinks. But that honesty can hurt.

Yesterday afternoon after work, I came home to Michael lounging on the sofa reading a magazine. I stood in front of him and unbuttoned my shirt. He watched me as I pulled it off and unlatched my bra. Then I pulled down my skirt, standing there only in my panties. I looked at his dilated pupils, the way his breathing changed and the bulge in his pants.

We had sex on the livingroom floor.

Afterwards, I whispered "I love you" looking directly in his eyes. He just kissed me and then hugged me tightly. We just lay there in silence, my head on his chest..

He didn't say it back.

Why didn't he say it back??

Am I becoming neurotic in putting so much weight in those three words? He said it once..why wont he say it again? What if he doesn't love me? What if Stacey is right? This is all about sex and that's it. It's just lust..not love. What if I was a fool for leaving an engagement with a future..for a dead end relationship?? What if I'm just a stupid stupid dumb slut that was motivated by the urging inbetween my legs instead of logic??

I hate the way I sound right now.

I'm just terrified that I made a big mistake.

I don't even have the urge to write about my recent negative experience at T.G.I. Fridays.. I'm just too tired right now. I feel like I never have anything positive to write about, I don't even know why I update. Do I really want to remember feeling this way?
posted by Iris at 1:13 PM | link

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Feeling confused

It's so hard to know how to behave in certain situations. I wish I had a handbook on this.

"Chapter 24 - What to do when your boyfriend doesn't come home"

When Michael returned home from work last night. I was really quiet. I was making pasta and I didn't even greet him. He went into the shower and then came out.

He gave me a kiss on the cheek and made a joke about "the good wife cooking dinner for the husband"

I didn't laugh.

He asked me what was wrong.

"Where were you last night?"

He was quiet and just stared at me for a moment. Then he said "I was with Keith. We got drunk and I crashed at his house"

"Oh"

"Is that a problem?", He asked.

"No."

I was quiet.

"It's just..you could have called me" I said finally.

"I passed out"

"Okay..."

"What are you ...my mother now?"

"No..I was worried"

"I'll call next time, Okay?"

"okay"

We were both quiet. "This is weird"

"What?"

"This"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know..forget it"

Then he left the room. I realized I had overcooked the pasta. I had to dump it out and start over again. My hands were shaking and I felt like crying.

I don't know why. Why does everything feel so wrong all of a sudden. When did things go sour? This is probably all in my head. I'm overreacting as usual.

Well, on further news.. Stacey just announced her engagement. I'm so excited for her. Michael left to run some errands. I have to get dressed..Yeah, I'm still lazying around the house in my panties and a tank-top because I don't have work today. Then I'm going to go visit her to celebrate the news.
posted by Iris at 2:00 PM | link

Friday, November 04, 2005

Where was he?

Michael didn't come home last night.

I came home from work at 1:30 A.M. and the house was empty. I sat by the window drinking shots of Absolut vodka and smoked nearly an entire pack of Marlboro lights. At 5:30 A.M., I fell asleep on top of the blankets with my work uniform still on.

I woke up to the sound of Michael bustling into the room at 8 A.M., he grabbed a jacket out of the closet and exited the room wordlessly.

Then I heard the front door close.

That was all I've seen of him all day. Now I have to head to work.

I want to know where he was all night, but I don't want to sound like a nagging wife. He is free to do as he pleases. It just hurts..

I would tell HIM if I wasn't planning on coming home.

God, Listen to how I sound?

I don't know how to feel or how to behave. I'm his roommate..not his wife. This is complex. I hate this feeling in my stomach, this feeling like it's all out of control and slipping away. I feel like I have to hold on to a relationship that's crumbling. I know it's all in my mind.. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation. Maybe he just crashed at his bestfriend's house.

Halloween was fun though..I was going to write about it. But right now all I can think about is Michael and speculate on where the hell he WAS last night...
posted by Iris at 11:06 AM | link