Monday, October 31, 2005

Hating my mother

I've always hated introducing my boyfriend's to my mother.

She's this weird mixture between conservative and really crass. She sits up straight, and looks down at people with her nose up. She acts all pious, judgmental, Religious and incredibly Republican. Then after a few drinks, she starts making really lame suggestive jokes to my boyfriends. They're not even funny, and my boyfriend's would pretend to laugh. I know they really wanted to gag at this middle-aged woman sporting a Hilary Clinton hair-do putting her hands on their knees. Leaning in too close and almost spilling her martini glass all over the table.

My Mother embarrasses me on so many levels. My entire goal in life is to be the complete opposite of her in every way. That's all I know. I think back and I cringe at some of the things I've witnessed her do.

Michael met her this weekend, and the worst part about the encounter was how she couldn't stop talking about LUKE.

"Luke said..."

"When Iris was engaged to Luke..."

"Luke was going to buy a house for the two of them.."

I stared at this woman that I call my mother and I realized that in all honesty I DO NOT LIKE HER. In fact, it's possible that I hate her.

Is it horrible to hate your mother? I know she gave birth to me, but I can't help but feel this way. Sometimes I have an urge to hit, kick her shin hard, and pull her hair. I know I sound like a complete psychopath by admitting this. It's just this urge I have, It started recently. Maybe it was the realization of how quickly she turns her back on me when I don't do things her way. In my mind, that's not how a mother is SUPPOSED to behave. What happened to "unconditionally loving your children".?

Michael was really polite and nodded. He glanced at me a few times and I avoided his gaze. I just wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

When we left Michael made a comment "I didn't realize your family was so loaded - Maybe you should ask your mother for financial help. She would probably pay your rent if you asked her to."

"no, she wouldn't"

"But why don't you just ASK her?"

Why is money all of a sudden so important to him right now? He doesn't understand that the only way My Mother will give me money is if I do what she wants with it. period. I can't just say "Mommy, give me money". It doesn't work that way. As soon as she hands over the money, I have to play by her rules.

I hate writing about this, I hate thinking about this. I hate money. I hate how money has been making me feel lately, I have this knot in my stomach. This ongoing stress... I hate this so much.

At least it's Halloween. Michael will be home in 45 minutes and I have the night off from work. We're going to a Halloween party in a club that his bestfriend is DeeJaying. I have a very cool costume this year. Stacey sewed it for me out of strips of white cloth.

It's this. Milla J. from "The Fifth Element"

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I have to make sure it's tight enough over my breasts, otherwise I'm going to be popping out on the dance floor. That is something I DON'T want.. Also I wish I had more fabric over the rear area..

But I know Michael is going to love it when he gets home and sees me in this. But it can't be removed without tearing it. So he's going to have to wait until we get home from the club to unwrap me. It took nearly an hour of me standing in the center of the room, while Stacey adjusted it and sewed together certain parts to make it fit.
posted by Iris at 2:31 PM