Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Fears and Expectations

When I don't update my diary..my days seem to just seep between my fingers like sand. I forget events that happened, and the feelings I experienced.

Almost as though they never happened. Writing them down validates them for me..it becomes a part of my actual history. I can't pretend it didn't occur or block it out. Some day I'll have to look back and face the things I've done, the emotions I felt and the incidences in my life.

I hope that in 10 years I'll be in a better place, I hope I'll look back and shake my head at all this. I hope I'm married to Michael and I have this as a documentation of how our relationship began. How I wanted him from the moment I met him and the rocky road towards us getting together.

A part of me believes that might actually happen, that I'll marry Michael and start attending college classes. I'll get a job doing something I love. Maybe we'll have a child and move out of the city.

But another part of me knows that is incredibly stupid and unrealistic. That if I said these thoughts to him it would scare him so far away..I would never be able to bring him back. A part of me knows that all I have is this moment and it can be gone in a blink of an eye.

Meeting his parents gave me false expectations on this relationship. There I was in a fancy restaurant in a nice outfit making small talk inbetween Michael and his folks. At first I was nervous, and I spilled a glass of water on my lap. (I reached for it while his father was talking to me and knocked it to far over with my hand because I was looking directly at him intently.. actually I was just thinking of what I was going to say next. *My potential witty intelligent response*. As a result I ended up just looking like a huge klutz)

I also cursed at the table.. "Well that would be a fucking shame!" I don't even want to describe the context. But no one laughed with me when I laughed.

But by the end of the night, after a few glasses of wine..I relaxed. Michael's mother was nice the entire time. She is one of those very polite, kind and sweet women. At one point, she put a comforting hand over mine. Michael's father is incredibly real, honest and blunt. It took some time getting used to.

Afterwards in bed, Michael climbed above me and began pulling up my shirt, while kissing my stomach. His lips moved up my body and he mumbled into my skin "they loved you"

I was so happy...

Something changed in Michael after the meeting with his parents, He's opening up more. He's talking about his childhood and he showed me his baby pictures. He's sharing more stories with me about his life and history.

The sex has gone down a little bit though..I don't know if I should be concerned about this. Maybe I'm not as desirable as I once was. He isn't tearing off my clothes the minute he steps in the front door. He used to do that.

I brought some of my boxes upstairs from the basement, and unpacked some of my stuff in the bedroom. His apartment is slowly starting to feel like home. I know I shouldn't get too comfortable.

I'm just taking it day by day.. I just hate this fear in my stomach. I can't describe it. It's this fear of growing older..this fear of not becoming anything..this fear of losing this relationship with Michael..this fear of not having a family..(It's been weeks since I've even spoken to my mom on the phone)..this fear of losing my friends..This fear of being alone..

When this anxiety starts to hit, I usually just take a shot and have a cigarette sitting on the windowsill. I wait for Michael to return home and then it subsides.

I have to leave for work.

posted by Iris at 11:47 PM