Saturday, October 29, 2005

Conquering fears

It's funny.

I was so overwhelmed, confused, scared, uncertain about whether or not I should keep this diary open to the public or whether I should close down after temporarily opening my comments.

But once I stepped away for a few days, all those fears dissolved.

I realized how stupid it was to be intimidated by what other people think, or to be afraid of other people reading my inner thoughts.

So what?

I read an entry by my cousin and she had written how life is so short. She wrote about the billions of people on this planet and how she is just one person. One insignificant person. It all doesn't matter.

Some day I will die, just like all of you. So maybe I do have a lot of flaws, maybe I don't have my life together, maybe I make a lot of foolish decisions. Maybe people will read this and judge me. Maybe someone from my life will find this and think less of me.

But at least I was honest with myself. I said it how it was and I lived life the best way. I could write this in just a word doc and hide it away. But if ONE person out there reads this and feels less alone in the world with their struggles.. Than it's worth it. Besides. All I see is a text box in front me, and it's just me and my computer. This is my space, my outlet. My little place in this huge world to write my feelings. My small voice.

****

This past week has passed by in a complete blur, A mixture of early morning sex with Michael.. running from table to table at T.G.I. fridays..and then making drinks at night. I've been coming home late, and passing out from exhaustion.

I was so tired last night, I couldn't even respond to Michael's advances. I couldn't even move..I asked him to make love to me but gently, slowly and not expecting anything in return. He did..

I keep waiting for him to say those three words again, but he hasn't. It's stupid how I put so much weight on three words.

I'm seeing my mother tonight for the first time since...I was engaged with Luke. Which feels like a century ago. She wants to meet Michael now. She sounded accepting on the phone, and nicer than usual. I'm not sure whether I'm going to ask Michael to come along. Right now he's out having lunch with his bestfriend. I'll see what his mood is like when he returns.

On a negative note: Michael asked me if I could start paying for half of the rent. Before I was just contributing to groceries, and house purchases. I gave him money here and there to help out. I know I can't expect him to support me or anything.

I don't know why it hurt so much when he asked me. It was so random, out of the blue..and his flat is expensive. It's going to wipe me out financially to pay half of it. Even working two jobs. He has a well-paying job and I don't.

For some reason I feel like he's growing tired of me. I'm feeling scared. It's this uneasy fear that's starting to build up inside my chest. I just have to take a deep breath and push it away.
posted by Iris at 2:05 PM