Monday, October 31, 2005

Hating my mother

I've always hated introducing my boyfriend's to my mother.

She's this weird mixture between conservative and really crass. She sits up straight, and looks down at people with her nose up. She acts all pious, judgmental, Religious and incredibly Republican. Then after a few drinks, she starts making really lame suggestive jokes to my boyfriends. They're not even funny, and my boyfriend's would pretend to laugh. I know they really wanted to gag at this middle-aged woman sporting a Hilary Clinton hair-do putting her hands on their knees. Leaning in too close and almost spilling her martini glass all over the table.

My Mother embarrasses me on so many levels. My entire goal in life is to be the complete opposite of her in every way. That's all I know. I think back and I cringe at some of the things I've witnessed her do.

Michael met her this weekend, and the worst part about the encounter was how she couldn't stop talking about LUKE.

"Luke said..."

"When Iris was engaged to Luke..."

"Luke was going to buy a house for the two of them.."

I stared at this woman that I call my mother and I realized that in all honesty I DO NOT LIKE HER. In fact, it's possible that I hate her.

Is it horrible to hate your mother? I know she gave birth to me, but I can't help but feel this way. Sometimes I have an urge to hit, kick her shin hard, and pull her hair. I know I sound like a complete psychopath by admitting this. It's just this urge I have, It started recently. Maybe it was the realization of how quickly she turns her back on me when I don't do things her way. In my mind, that's not how a mother is SUPPOSED to behave. What happened to "unconditionally loving your children".?

Michael was really polite and nodded. He glanced at me a few times and I avoided his gaze. I just wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

When we left Michael made a comment "I didn't realize your family was so loaded - Maybe you should ask your mother for financial help. She would probably pay your rent if you asked her to."

"no, she wouldn't"

"But why don't you just ASK her?"

Why is money all of a sudden so important to him right now? He doesn't understand that the only way My Mother will give me money is if I do what she wants with it. period. I can't just say "Mommy, give me money". It doesn't work that way. As soon as she hands over the money, I have to play by her rules.

I hate writing about this, I hate thinking about this. I hate money. I hate how money has been making me feel lately, I have this knot in my stomach. This ongoing stress... I hate this so much.

At least it's Halloween. Michael will be home in 45 minutes and I have the night off from work. We're going to a Halloween party in a club that his bestfriend is DeeJaying. I have a very cool costume this year. Stacey sewed it for me out of strips of white cloth.

It's this. Milla J. from "The Fifth Element"


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I have to make sure it's tight enough over my breasts, otherwise I'm going to be popping out on the dance floor. That is something I DON'T want.. Also I wish I had more fabric over the rear area..

But I know Michael is going to love it when he gets home and sees me in this. But it can't be removed without tearing it. So he's going to have to wait until we get home from the club to unwrap me. It took nearly an hour of me standing in the center of the room, while Stacey adjusted it and sewed together certain parts to make it fit.
posted by Iris at 2:31 PM | link

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Conquering fears

It's funny.

I was so overwhelmed, confused, scared, uncertain about whether or not I should keep this diary open to the public or whether I should close down after temporarily opening my comments.

But once I stepped away for a few days, all those fears dissolved.

I realized how stupid it was to be intimidated by what other people think, or to be afraid of other people reading my inner thoughts.

So what?

I read an entry by my cousin and she had written how life is so short. She wrote about the billions of people on this planet and how she is just one person. One insignificant person. It all doesn't matter.

Some day I will die, just like all of you. So maybe I do have a lot of flaws, maybe I don't have my life together, maybe I make a lot of foolish decisions. Maybe people will read this and judge me. Maybe someone from my life will find this and think less of me.

But at least I was honest with myself. I said it how it was and I lived life the best way. I could write this in just a word doc and hide it away. But if ONE person out there reads this and feels less alone in the world with their struggles.. Than it's worth it. Besides. All I see is a text box in front me, and it's just me and my computer. This is my space, my outlet. My little place in this huge world to write my feelings. My small voice.

****

This past week has passed by in a complete blur, A mixture of early morning sex with Michael.. running from table to table at T.G.I. fridays..and then making drinks at night. I've been coming home late, and passing out from exhaustion.

I was so tired last night, I couldn't even respond to Michael's advances. I couldn't even move..I asked him to make love to me but gently, slowly and not expecting anything in return. He did..

I keep waiting for him to say those three words again, but he hasn't. It's stupid how I put so much weight on three words.

I'm seeing my mother tonight for the first time since...I was engaged with Luke. Which feels like a century ago. She wants to meet Michael now. She sounded accepting on the phone, and nicer than usual. I'm not sure whether I'm going to ask Michael to come along. Right now he's out having lunch with his bestfriend. I'll see what his mood is like when he returns.

On a negative note: Michael asked me if I could start paying for half of the rent. Before I was just contributing to groceries, and house purchases. I gave him money here and there to help out. I know I can't expect him to support me or anything.

I don't know why it hurt so much when he asked me. It was so random, out of the blue..and his flat is expensive. It's going to wipe me out financially to pay half of it. Even working two jobs. He has a well-paying job and I don't.

For some reason I feel like he's growing tired of me. I'm feeling scared. It's this uneasy fear that's starting to build up inside my chest. I just have to take a deep breath and push it away.
posted by Iris at 2:05 PM | link

Sunday, October 23, 2005

I love you

This morning he said it.

I woke up this morning to the sensation of a hand running up my thigh. I shifted slightly..and felt Michael's body move against mine. I smiled.

"Good morning..", I mumbled

"Good morning"

He slid his hand into my panties..

I love the way he touches me..I love the feel of his legs entwined in mine..the warmth of his chest against my back..the feeling of his lips grazing against my shoulder and the sound of his breath quickening. I love how wet he makes me without even the slightest pressure from his finger.. I love the taste of his skin..

It's those early morning moments with him that I love the most. When the light is coming through from the blinds and spilling over the sheets.. How slow it is because we're just waking up. I love feeling him push inside of me from behind..while his hand is cupping my breast.

This is too graphic.

When it was over, and we were both lying there naked..the sheets were on the floor. He pulled me against him, and then took my hand. He kissed the back of my neck and whispered against my skin..his breath tickling the small hairs..

"I love you"

I can't describe how it made me feel to hear those words, I felt like crying..like my chest expanded and the whole world opened up for me. I just wanted and needed to hear that so badly.

I whispered "I love you too"

Then he released me and climbed out of bed. I heard him go into the bathroom and close the door. I lay there, and smiled. I squeezed the corner of the mattress..and then buried my face in the pillow.

He just left 15 minutes ago to visit his father, and I had to come on and write this.

I know this isn't going to change my life..It's possible he just said it because the sex was really great this morning and he was caught up in the moment. It doesn't matter. I'm on a cloud.

I wish I could say everything in life is going this well..but it's not. I called my mother yesterday after work and It was horrible. I feel more alienated from my family than ever. I'm also having trouble with one of my co-workers in T.G.I. fridays. She keeps stealing my tables. She has some kind of issue with me because her boyfriend also works in the restaurant. She was upset that the first day I came into the job I took a cigarette break outside with him and we hit it off. (AS FRIENDS). I didn't even know that he was dating her, or their history on the first day of work. Ever since that moment, She has been trying to get rid of me . I need this job though. I don't even speak to her boyfriend anymore.

But none of this really matters because this morning Michael said he loved me.

He loves me....
posted by Iris at 5:04 PM | link

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Gossip

Ever since I was young, I was the victim of gossip.

Kids can be so cruel. When I was 8 years old a rumor went around the playground that I was actually adopted and from Russia.

This wasn't true, I actually cried about it and told people to stop saying it. but for some reason they believed it for years.

When my parents got divorced, someone spread a rumor that my mother was having an affair with the school principal and that my father had walked in on them. They labeled my mother a "Gold digger" and that she had only married my father for his money.

That wasn't true either.

In highschool people spread rumors that I was sleeping around. I had only slept with one boy at that point. Girls would whisper behind my back, guys would nudge eachother as I passed by and raise their eyebrows.

I had a large group of friends, but I also had a few enemies.

Maybe it was because my family was pretty wealthy, Maybe it's because I can be distant when I don't know someone. I didn't open up as quickly as everyone else and remained elusive. When you don't laugh right away at superficial nonsense..you are labeled a bitch. If you don't answer someone's question right away..they create their own answers. Then they whisper and gossip amoungst each other. Everyone needs to speculate about someone they don't fully understand or can't reach. It's almost like they forget that the person they are discussing is an actual human being.

But it doesn't stop after highschool.

And we're all guilty of it on some level.

Just open Entertainment magazine...Is Katie really Pregnant? What's up with Brad and Angelina?..Well Jennifer was probably bad in bed anyway.. Did you hear about...?

*sigh*

Today was a rough day, It's 1 nearly A.M., Michael is already asleep and I just crawled out of bed for a glass of vermouth with olives. Somehow I ended up in front of this flickering computer screen.
posted by Iris at 3:39 AM | link

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Fears and Expectations

When I don't update my diary..my days seem to just seep between my fingers like sand. I forget events that happened, and the feelings I experienced.

Almost as though they never happened. Writing them down validates them for me..it becomes a part of my actual history. I can't pretend it didn't occur or block it out. Some day I'll have to look back and face the things I've done, the emotions I felt and the incidences in my life.

I hope that in 10 years I'll be in a better place, I hope I'll look back and shake my head at all this. I hope I'm married to Michael and I have this as a documentation of how our relationship began. How I wanted him from the moment I met him and the rocky road towards us getting together.

A part of me believes that might actually happen, that I'll marry Michael and start attending college classes. I'll get a job doing something I love. Maybe we'll have a child and move out of the city.

But another part of me knows that is incredibly stupid and unrealistic. That if I said these thoughts to him it would scare him so far away..I would never be able to bring him back. A part of me knows that all I have is this moment and it can be gone in a blink of an eye.

Meeting his parents gave me false expectations on this relationship. There I was in a fancy restaurant in a nice outfit making small talk inbetween Michael and his folks. At first I was nervous, and I spilled a glass of water on my lap. (I reached for it while his father was talking to me and knocked it to far over with my hand because I was looking directly at him intently.. actually I was just thinking of what I was going to say next. *My potential witty intelligent response*. As a result I ended up just looking like a huge klutz)

I also cursed at the table.. "Well that would be a fucking shame!" I don't even want to describe the context. But no one laughed with me when I laughed.

But by the end of the night, after a few glasses of wine..I relaxed. Michael's mother was nice the entire time. She is one of those very polite, kind and sweet women. At one point, she put a comforting hand over mine. Michael's father is incredibly real, honest and blunt. It took some time getting used to.

Afterwards in bed, Michael climbed above me and began pulling up my shirt, while kissing my stomach. His lips moved up my body and he mumbled into my skin "they loved you"

I was so happy...

Something changed in Michael after the meeting with his parents, He's opening up more. He's talking about his childhood and he showed me his baby pictures. He's sharing more stories with me about his life and history.

The sex has gone down a little bit though..I don't know if I should be concerned about this. Maybe I'm not as desirable as I once was. He isn't tearing off my clothes the minute he steps in the front door. He used to do that.

I brought some of my boxes upstairs from the basement, and unpacked some of my stuff in the bedroom. His apartment is slowly starting to feel like home. I know I shouldn't get too comfortable.

I'm just taking it day by day.. I just hate this fear in my stomach. I can't describe it. It's this fear of growing older..this fear of not becoming anything..this fear of losing this relationship with Michael..this fear of not having a family..(It's been weeks since I've even spoken to my mom on the phone)..this fear of losing my friends..This fear of being alone..

When this anxiety starts to hit, I usually just take a shot and have a cigarette sitting on the windowsill. I wait for Michael to return home and then it subsides.

I have to leave for work.

posted by Iris at 11:47 PM | link

Friday, October 14, 2005

Still alive

I'm typing this from an Internet cafe, I just got off from work and thought I would stop in.

This is my first time in a place like this. There are dozens of computers lined up and everyone's face is lit up by the bluish glow from the screens. Other than that, this room is very dark. The man next to me is chuckling at some website he's in, and another man across from me is just staring directly at me. It's kind of freaking me out. He has pock-marks on his face and a big thick black jacket.

I'm in an internet cafe because Michael's internet service was shut down temporarily due to some technical problems. Which is why I haven't been able to update in such a long time.

Someone is coming in on Monday to fix the problem, so I'll be back then.

Life is going well, I quit my job at Starbucks and I have a new job at T.G.I. Fridays. Unfortunately it's for the lunch shift, so the tips aren't anything to write home about. I'm still working my bartender job at night.

The visit with Michael's parents went well..

I'll write more about all of this on Monday, Time for me to log off and get out of this creepy place. Just felt like dropping in with a quick update..to let the few people that might read this out there know that I am..in fact..still alive.
posted by Iris at 5:57 PM | link

Thursday, October 06, 2005

meeting the parents

I'm really nervous right now.

In an 3 hours, I'm going to meet Michael's parents for the first time.

Well..I met his father once while I was half-naked and hiding behind the kitchen counter on the floor. But I'd prefer not to think of that.

Of course, that's all I CAN think about. How his father saw me like that. It's going to be hard to look him in the eyes tonight.

I wonder what his mother is like Michael says she's a complete "sweetheart" and that she's going to "love" me.

It's really important to me that they like me. I'm in the middle of washing my nicest outfit, and I already took a shower. I have to do up my hair. I want to look presentable and classy. Not like some girl that works as a bartender and at Starbucks.

But someone that went to college, someone that works as an accountant or a lawyer. Someone that has a future.

I'm feeling myself getting depressed. I have to get off this track.
posted by Iris at 5:19 PM | link