Sunday, September 25, 2005

miserable

It seems like my life is just a series of meaningless tragedies and near escapes. I keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again. It's like a rollercoaster with extreme highs and lows. I always end up in the same place.

Something has to change.

I'm sitting in Stacey's livingroom, and I hear her laughing in the kitchen with her boyfriend. I can't stay here much longer, I just don't know where else to go.

I want to call Michael, but I'm afraid. Everytime the phone rings my heart stops and I involuntarily hold my breath. I keep hoping it's him and he would say:"come home, Iris..I miss you. I'm sorry".

It was such a stupid fight and it's all my fault. I know it. It always is.

It's hard to even describe, I guess I'll start at the beginning.

On thursday I had returned from my morning shift at Starbucks and the doorbell rang. When I opened it, some incredibly BLOND girl was standing there with an expectant look on her face. When she saw me, Her expression visibly darkened.

"Who are you?"

(nice way to greet someone). "I'm Iris, I'm living here"

"Where's Michael?"

"He's at work"

"How long have you been living here, Iris?"

"A few weeks..Do you want me to tell Michael you came by?"

She just glared at me, then looked past me. She crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't believe this", she muttered "I can't fucking believe this.."

I just stared at her.

"No. don't bother" and she walked away. I slowly closed the door.

This encounter bothered me, but I didn't mention it to Michael. I didn't want to sound like an insecure jealous girlfriend and I just pushed it away. I couldn't stop thinking about it though.

On Friday Luke called me. He sounded upset. His voice was broken and ragged. There was a certain sadness in his tone, He sounded so lost and alone. It broke my heart. The thing is, even though we broke up and our engagement is over. I still care about him. You just don't stop CARING about people. He loved me when no one else did. He was there for me during some of my darkest hours. We didn't fit as a couple, but in all fairness..he was a wonderful friend to me.

He said he needed to see me. I didn't have money for subway fare and I didn't feel like walking over to his apartment. I was really tired from work. So I told him to just come over and I gave him the address.

Yes. Very stupid. I know. Stupid stupid stupid. I know it doesn't even make sense, because I was so pissed off at him earlier this week. I do stupid things. I wasn't thinking clearly.

So he came over and sat with me on the sofa. He started talking about how he feels his life has lost all meaning, how he just goes from work to home. How he feels like he's falling apart. How it's not my fault or anything but he just needed to see my face. He just needed to talk to someone. I listened and understood. I feel that way too. I know the emotions he's expressing.

Then Michael came in with his bestfriend and Kristin. Then the shit hit the roof.

He just stood there and stared at the two of us on his sofa. He didn't say anything for a full minute. You know those uncomfortable scenes in the movies where you yell at the main character? "Say something! If you just explain it wont be a big deal. Just explain the situation. Damn it! Don't just sit there looking GUILTY. You didn't DO anything." It was one of those moments, the problem is I felt like I lost my voice. This is the first time Luke and Michael were ever in the same room together in over six months.

"I want you both to get the hell out of my apartment right now",

He actually said that. His voice was so cold.

I told him "it's not what it looks like..Luke was just having a hard day and.."

"How many times have you brought him to my apartment while I was gone? Is this a fucking game you're playing and I'm in the dark? I knew this shit was going to happen..etc"

Luke walked out, I started crying and pleading with Michael to just listen. But he just shut off to me and looked over my head.

Then I brought out the situation with that girl at the door and started demanding to know who SHE was! We started yelling at eachother. Then I pushed him and left the apartment. I slammed the door.

I went to Stacey's, she wasn't home..so I talked with her boyfriend for a while. When she came in, she told me I could stay with her for as long as I needed and that everything was going to be okay. I got piss drunk with her and when she fell asleep I called Carl. I sobbed on the phone..

Now here I am.

That's the story. This is my fucked up life. I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I keep thinking that Michael is going to call, and that it's going to go back to how it was. If it doesn't. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even want to contemplate it. I can't, because when I do..I start crying again.
posted by Iris at 1:23 PM