Monday, September 05, 2005

Living with Michael.

Before you make a big transition in your life, there's always fear. You imagine all the scenarios and how they could unfold. You obsess over it and think about it constantly. The nervousness builds in your stomach and you have doubts.

But I had nothing to be afraid of, Once I actually moved in with Michael...It felt strangely normal.

A lot of people didn't "approve" of my decision to move in with him, including Stacey.

She said: "How much do you actually know about Michael? Be careful... I'm afraid for you. This is really fast and I think you're going to get hurt. Don't rush into this, you could be making a mistake..blah blah blah.."

On Friday afternoon I did it anyway. The truth is, I have nothing to lose. It's not like I have all these great options in life .

It was either move back home with my mother or move in the Michael.

Everyone thinks they can plan their life, every detail of it and not have to explore the unknown. They can be safe at all times and know what tomorrow is going to bring.

but you DON'T.

I finally got my internet service back up. I'm sitting in Michael's computer room. My computer is on a table across from his laptop. I'm still in my pajama's because I have the day off from work. He's visiting his family for Labor Day.

He invited me to come, but I could tell that he was not ready to introduce me to his parents. He just said it because he felt bad about leaving me alone. I lied and told him I had plans with my mother.

It's a lie because my mother isn't talking to me right now.

My Cat is here, Michael had no problem with it. She's still hiding somewhere in the apartment. I guess it will take her some time to adjust to the change..from my old flat, to Carl's apartment and now this place. I hope my cat isn't fucked up for life from all this.

Luke doesn't know about this yet, I haven't been able to tell him. I don't know how he's going to respond or how he's going to take it. Honestly, I'm a little afraid.

The first moments in Michael's house were strange. We brought in all the boxes and then sat down on his sofa. I looked around at the apartment that I was going to call home..and I felt like I was intruding on his space. He sat across from me and was looking down at his hands. I didn't know what he was thinking. I was afraid he was having doubts about his decision, that he was scared.

It was the middle of the afternoon, we weren't drunk or having sex. We were just sitting there in the daylight seeing eachother clearly for the first time. I noticed that his eyes were a shade of green with yellow specks..the freckles around his nose..the redness of his lips..the hair on his arms. All of our encounters had been intense..in nightclubs, bars, in a darkened room, in bed.

This is so hard to describe in words, the emotions I felt. It was a feeling of love for him that overwhelmed me..and I know I have to push it away but I can't help it. Not every guy would do this for me. It's a huge step to let some girl you're just sleeping with suddenly move in with you.. WITH HER CAT.

But it's not like he's making a commitment to me or this is leading to marriage. He made that clear. He's just helping me out.

We had a lot of sex this weekend..

I'll write more about this later, there's so much to say and not enough time. I'm meeting Carl in a half an hour. I have to take a shower and get dressed. I just felt the need to update....To type out some thoughts.

Despite what everyone thinks in my life, this wasn't a mistake. This was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like I'm growing up...I feel like I'm living my own life.

Fuck, it feels good. I don't care who judges me because of it.
posted by Iris at 2:24 PM