Thursday, September 01, 2005

a little nervous

I'm nervous about living with Michael.

I've lived alone for the past 3 and a half years, Stacey is the first roommate I ever had. I've never lived with a man before, especially not one that I was sleeping with.

I don't know what to expect, I don't know much about Michael. I've only been to his apartment two times. Technically I've known him for six months, but we've only been involved.. (if you can call it that) for a month. This seems crazy..but on the other hand, I couldn't be happier.

I have no idea what this is going to be like.

I worry about stupid things..like him seeing me when I look like shit in the morning, or realizing how grumpy I am before my coffee. I'll be wearing my not-so-sexy panties at some point and he'll see me when my hair is all messed up, no make up, blemishes and all. We'll be sharing a bedroom..like an actual couple even though we don't have a title. I wont have any private space, we'll be cooking meals together... I wont be able to write drunken entries on my computer at 2 A.M. because he'll be there. I wont have a door to close and a computer in my bedroom like I do here.

At some point I'll meet his family and his friends.. I'll see what his life is like. I realized I don't know anything about what he does on his free time, or his hobbies, musical interests..etc.

I'm nervous.. I'm afraid he'll grow tired of me or regret his decision. I'm worried it might be too fast to make a move like this. He seems really casual and calm about it though. I don't think he sees this as a huge step in our relationship, but merely as a way of helping me out when I'm in need.

But I can't control this feeling of excitment in my stomach at the realization of how my situation is going to change.. I just imagine waking up in his arms every morning..taking showers together..Our bodies tangled..walking naked through the flat after sex..living together.

Actually living together.

I told my mother yesterday afternoon. She didn't take it well. She went off on me. She said how disappointed and embarrassed she was of my life and my behavior. She can't believe I would go off and live with "Some guy you picked up at a bar", She also was upset about the situation with Luke and she can't let go of the hope that we were going to get engaged again.

For a while I thought Luke and I had a future but at this point, I'm going to follow my heart and NOT my head.

I've honestly stopped giving a shit about what my mother thinks of me. She never has and never will accept me for who I am. I'm tired of trying to be something that I'm not just to please her. This is my life.

I'm going to start moving out friday afternoon once I get off from Starbucks. I still can't believe this is happening. It feels like a strange dream.

But I'm really nervous
posted by Iris at 12:35 PM