Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ex boyfriends

I realized fully today that you can NOT be "just friends" with your ex-boyfriends. It's impossible, I was stupid to think that it was.

I finally decided to tell Luke that I had moved out of Stacey's flat and where I was living. I couldn't do it over the phone. So after my morning shift at Starbucks yesterday I took the subway to his apartment.

When I told him, he was upset. Incredibly upset.

"What the FUCK is wrong with you?!"

I just stared at him.

"I want to marry you, I love you and you just keep hurting me and treating me like complete shit. What was our weekend trip about?! Why did you kiss me?!"

I could only shake my head.

"You're making a big mistake, you don't even know this asshole and you're living with him now?? What the fuck?! Iris are you insane?? Is that it?? Did I fall in love with someone that was insane??"

Then he started crying, I didn't know what to do or what to say. I felt like such shit, like such scum. I tried to reach out and touch his shoulder to comfort him. He shoved my hand away.

"Could you just leave?"

I did and as I was walking out he said "You're going to regret this and I'm not going to be around when you come to your senses."

I realize he might be right, but I don't care. I'm not torn anymore, I know what I want. I knew it from the beginning and I let it go to far. I feel like I've come clean. I never said I was a good person and I'm not the girl he imagines me to be.

I've never heard him curse before, or saw him look so coldly at me. It hurt..I also never saw him cry so hard.

You go through your life trying to do what's right..but someone always gets hurt when you aren't honest. I haven't been honest with him and I saw him objectively. I saw him as that other guy, the one that wanted to marry me..like some movie character, instead of a human being. I thought since he had everything going for him..it wouldn't matter.

I fucked up, I know it and writing about this isn't easy. Anyone that bothers to read my journal probably thinks I'm a bitch and a complete utter loser. I'm just writing what I feel, and how I'm struggling. I'm not trying to paint a pretty picture of my existance, I'm not trying to make anyone like me. I'm just telling it like it is. If you don't like me, you don't have to read this. Noone has to read this. Most people show their good sides in online blogs because they have their comments open and they want to make friends. That's not what I'm out to do. This is just my outlet.

But if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize that you're not perfect either. No one is perfect.

I'm defensive because I feel like shit right now..and I've been pacing around the apartment aimlessly trying to make my heart stop pounding so loudly in my chest. I keep going through the past events in my life..and wishing I had done it all differently.

But I can't go back.
posted by Iris at 11:24 AM