Friday, September 30, 2005
Should I tell him?
Passionate nights tangled in sheets, baths, showers together, sex in the livingroom, kitchen and on the floor. It feels like this renewed connection between us.
As though the realization that we could be apart, that we could fight and lose what we have has made our relationship stronger.
I love him
It's hard to think of anything else.
I love everything about him, and it just wells up in my stomach without a release.
I want to tell him, these three words. They're frozen on the tip of my tongue. I want him to know fully how much he means to me..how much this relationship means to me.. How it has changed my life.
But I'm afraid. I'm afraid he'll back away, that it will change things. On the other hand, it could open a new door.
Should I tell him?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
working it out
I'm so relieved right now, I can't even express it in words.
Last night at around 3 A.M., the door bell rang. I was sleeping at the time and it woke me up. I heard Stacey open the front door and I heard voices. I climbed out of cot, and peeked my head out of the room to see what was going on.
Michael was there, and he was visibly drunk. Stacey was arguing with him about something but I couldn't make it out.
"It's okay, Stacey", I told her stepping out in the hallway "Let him in"
I was so happy to see him. It was hard not to start laughing with joy and jump in his arms. My heart was just pounding wildly in my chest and I felt like I couldn't even breath.
He came up to me and pushed me into the bedroom wordlessly. He had me up against the wall and started kissing me. He pulled my T-shirt over my head. We were both completely breathless and just groping at eachother. It was so intense and raw. Michael actually started crying when he pushed inside of me. We had the most amazing make up sex against that wall, I think back to it and feel my whole body heating up again. I can't put it down.. I can't describe it . It was just..passion.
This passion I don't feel with anyone else, that I never felt before Michael. I know there are a few people reading this, and if you think back to the most intense sexual experience in your life. You know what I'm talking about.
Afterwards, we slid down the wall onto the floor and he held me.
"I'm sorry", he said "I'm so fucking sorry..I didn't listen to you, and I was an asshole. I was just fucking scared.."
His voice was slurring slightly, and he leaned his head back up against the wall. He looked so vulnerable, so lost.
"Nothing is happening between me and luke"
Then he started really opening up and he told me a lot. I found out some things I didn't want to know, but I'm glad he told me..even though it hurt. For example:
"That girl you met at the door was Karen. We were having sex for a while..last month"
"What??? While you were having sex with me?"
"No..yes..I don't know. I didn't know what the hell we were doing, Iris"
"So that's why you didn't want to have sex at first..because you were seeing someone else. God..I can't believe this. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Karen and I weren't seeing eachother..I don't know what it was"
"Just like you don't know what THIS is"
"no, I know what this is now"
"What is this then?"
"This is real..this is intense. I feel something when I'm with you that I haven't felt with anyone else. When you left on Friday.. It's been shit for me. These past 5 days have been hell. You challenge me, you intrigue me..you turn me on. I asked you to MOVE IN with me! Iris, I don't DO that..that's huge for me.I've wanted you from the first moment I saw you"
"I wanted you too"
He didn't say he loved me. He didn't define the relationship or call me his girlfriend. But he was honest. He didn't have to tell me all these things..but he did. I respect that.
At 5:30 A.M., we got up off of the floor of Stacey's sewing room. I scribbled a thank you note to Stacey and left it on the kitchen table.
we walked home together
and he held my hand the entire time.
I'm really tired right now..I'm going back to bed. Everythings okay again and I just wanted to type it out.
I'm truly happy.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Something has to change.
I'm sitting in Stacey's livingroom, and I hear her laughing in the kitchen with her boyfriend. I can't stay here much longer, I just don't know where else to go.
I want to call Michael, but I'm afraid. Everytime the phone rings my heart stops and I involuntarily hold my breath. I keep hoping it's him and he would say:"come home, Iris..I miss you. I'm sorry".
It was such a stupid fight and it's all my fault. I know it. It always is.
It's hard to even describe, I guess I'll start at the beginning.
On thursday I had returned from my morning shift at Starbucks and the doorbell rang. When I opened it, some incredibly BLOND girl was standing there with an expectant look on her face. When she saw me, Her expression visibly darkened.
"Who are you?"
(nice way to greet someone). "I'm Iris, I'm living here"
"He's at work"
"How long have you been living here, Iris?"
"A few weeks..Do you want me to tell Michael you came by?"
She just glared at me, then looked past me. She crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't believe this", she muttered "I can't fucking believe this.."
I just stared at her.
"No. don't bother" and she walked away. I slowly closed the door.
This encounter bothered me, but I didn't mention it to Michael. I didn't want to sound like an insecure jealous girlfriend and I just pushed it away. I couldn't stop thinking about it though.
On Friday Luke called me. He sounded upset. His voice was broken and ragged. There was a certain sadness in his tone, He sounded so lost and alone. It broke my heart. The thing is, even though we broke up and our engagement is over. I still care about him. You just don't stop CARING about people. He loved me when no one else did. He was there for me during some of my darkest hours. We didn't fit as a couple, but in all fairness..he was a wonderful friend to me.
He said he needed to see me. I didn't have money for subway fare and I didn't feel like walking over to his apartment. I was really tired from work. So I told him to just come over and I gave him the address.
Yes. Very stupid. I know. Stupid stupid stupid. I know it doesn't even make sense, because I was so pissed off at him earlier this week. I do stupid things. I wasn't thinking clearly.
So he came over and sat with me on the sofa. He started talking about how he feels his life has lost all meaning, how he just goes from work to home. How he feels like he's falling apart. How it's not my fault or anything but he just needed to see my face. He just needed to talk to someone. I listened and understood. I feel that way too. I know the emotions he's expressing.
Then Michael came in with his bestfriend and Kristin. Then the shit hit the roof.
He just stood there and stared at the two of us on his sofa. He didn't say anything for a full minute. You know those uncomfortable scenes in the movies where you yell at the main character? "Say something! If you just explain it wont be a big deal. Just explain the situation. Damn it! Don't just sit there looking GUILTY. You didn't DO anything." It was one of those moments, the problem is I felt like I lost my voice. This is the first time Luke and Michael were ever in the same room together in over six months.
"I want you both to get the hell out of my apartment right now",
He actually said that. His voice was so cold.
I told him "it's not what it looks like..Luke was just having a hard day and.."
"How many times have you brought him to my apartment while I was gone? Is this a fucking game you're playing and I'm in the dark? I knew this shit was going to happen..etc"
Luke walked out, I started crying and pleading with Michael to just listen. But he just shut off to me and looked over my head.
Then I brought out the situation with that girl at the door and started demanding to know who SHE was! We started yelling at eachother. Then I pushed him and left the apartment. I slammed the door.
I went to Stacey's, she wasn't home..so I talked with her boyfriend for a while. When she came in, she told me I could stay with her for as long as I needed and that everything was going to be okay. I got piss drunk with her and when she fell asleep I called Carl. I sobbed on the phone..
Now here I am.
That's the story. This is my fucked up life. I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I keep thinking that Michael is going to call, and that it's going to go back to how it was. If it doesn't. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even want to contemplate it. I can't, because when I do..I start crying again.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
I'm writing this from Staceys computer in the livingroom. I came here because I had nowhere else to go.
I'm too drunk to type more about this.
I just need sleep. i've been up all night talking about this on the phone with carl
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I just found Michael's porn stash.
I was going through his DVD collection today looking for a movie to watch. I didn't have a morning shift at starbucks, and I had nothing to do. All my friends are at work during these hours and I found myself strolling aimlessly through an empy apartment.
He had a number of independent films and foreign films, which was surprising. But I don't really get into movies with subtitles. He had "Six Feet Under" boxset of season 1 and 2, but I've already seen all of those. I dug into the back, and then I saw a number of porns.
I was curious immediately. Most people would probably just put them away, but I had to see what he watched. It was too tempting. Plus, to be entirely honest..I've never watched porn before.
I know that seems unbelievable considering the fact that I'm 21 years old. I was raised in a conservative household and my mother didn't even want us watching anything rated R. as a child or young teenager. Everything I did was behind her back. I never had access to any of those things.
Once I moved out of the house, I never had the courage to enter a porn shop.
So I put it in and sat on his bed..I didn't know what to expect, maybe some kinky fetishes or surprising discoveries about his sexual perversions.
But it was actually incredibly erotic. I was instantly aroused by what I was watching, I couldn't even breathe..
This is embarrassing to admit, but I ended up sliding my hand into my panties.
I still can't believe I masturbated to his porn. I put it back and my face felt hot. I wonder what he would say if he found out. I can't believe I'm even WRITING this..
It was just kind of exciting and new.
There was something I saw that I'm going to try on him tonight.
To dramatically switch topics, Stacey might be able to get me a job at TGI Fridays. I'd make more money than at Starbucks and have better hours.
My sister called. After only 15 minutes we got into a huge fight about Luke and she hung up on me. Apparently Luke is visiting my family now on a regular basis and moaning about the breakup to them. He's trying to use my sister as a way of getting us back together.
I can't understand why he's doing this..and I can't believe it either. I've gone from feeling guilty to feeling angry.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Everything has been so crazy lately, I feel like my life is changing at a pace so fast I can hardly keep up. When I think back to where I was only 2 months ago it amazes me.
I can't believe I'm living with Michael. I have these moments where I just stop and digest the fact. It overwhelms me. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up either alone in my own apartment struggling with the rent again or back in Stacey's closet sized sewing room wondering how the hell I got there.
Sometimes I wonder where my relationship with Michael is going and how long it's going to last. I'm afraid to get too comfortable here. Most of my boxes are in his basement storage room still unpacked.
Despite the fact that I made a really bad first impression on Michael's father earlier this week, things are okay between us.
"I don't care what my father thinks", Michael had explained later on that evening "he doesn't know you or the situation. When the time is right I'll take you to meet my family the right way. It's just too early"
"They're going to ask too many questions..Questions I can't answer yet"
"It's not that.."
"You don't have to explain, it's cool"
Last night I didn't have to work, so Michael and I met some of his friends at the ________ club. This was the first time I met his friends, They're really awesome. At first I felt out of place and it was a little awkward. After a few drinks I felt at home and we were all laughing. I particularly connected with Kristin. (a girlfriend of his bestfriend). We got drunk and shared so much with eachother. We were like old friends by the end of the night.
I wish I didn't have to work tonight, I'm going to meet the same group as yesterday after my shift is over at 1:30 A.M.
Alright, I have to sign off and take a shower.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
meeting the father
I should write a book:
"How to make the worst first impression with your boyfriend's parents" - by Iris
I'm sure it would be a bestseller
I woke up this morning to the sensation of my panties being slid down my thighs, I saw Michael leaning over me smiling. Truly the best way to wake up.
Afterwards I went into the kitchen with only an almost see-through tank top and thin white panties to make breakfast while Michael took a shower.
As I was breaking open the eggs, I heard the lock on the front door click open and the sound of someone entering the apartment. I froze. Then a strange man in his fifties entered the kitchen!
I panicked and automatically ducked under the counter. I hid there, sitting on the floor with my back against the cabinet. I didn't dare to make a sound or even breathe. There was silence, then I heard.
"Hello? Michael? Who's there? Hello??"
I didn't answer.
Then the man emerged around the corner and stared down at me crouched on the floor in confusion.
"Hi", I muttered. Feeling sheepish and incredibly embarrassed. I WANTED TO DIE.
The man quickly averted his eyes. "Oh..I'm sorry..I..Is Michael here?"
"He's taking a shower"
"Right..I'm Michael's father..I'll just go into the bedroom then" He said
He disappeared around the corner. I sat there feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. I walked over to the bedroom door and listened in our their conversation..
"Who is that girl?", I heard his father asking.
"That's Iris", I heard Michael say "she's living with me"
"I wasn't informed about this", His father said "I never even met this girl..I just walked in on her practically half-naked. I don't know what's going on and it's your life. You can at least tell me these things!"
"I meant to"
"We'll discuss this later"
What the fuck?? Michael is in his 20's..he's not five years old. It's his apartment, why would he have to tell his father all the details of his life. Like it's his business!?
Then the door opened and I ran into the hallway bathroom. I slammed the door and hid. God, that was so embarrassing.
Yeah, that went well. I made a great first impression.
Michael left with his father without saying goodbye.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I finally decided to tell Luke that I had moved out of Stacey's flat and where I was living. I couldn't do it over the phone. So after my morning shift at Starbucks yesterday I took the subway to his apartment.
When I told him, he was upset. Incredibly upset.
"What the FUCK is wrong with you?!"
I just stared at him.
"I want to marry you, I love you and you just keep hurting me and treating me like complete shit. What was our weekend trip about?! Why did you kiss me?!"
I could only shake my head.
"You're making a big mistake, you don't even know this asshole and you're living with him now?? What the fuck?! Iris are you insane?? Is that it?? Did I fall in love with someone that was insane??"
Then he started crying, I didn't know what to do or what to say. I felt like such shit, like such scum. I tried to reach out and touch his shoulder to comfort him. He shoved my hand away.
"Could you just leave?"
I did and as I was walking out he said "You're going to regret this and I'm not going to be around when you come to your senses."
I realize he might be right, but I don't care. I'm not torn anymore, I know what I want. I knew it from the beginning and I let it go to far. I feel like I've come clean. I never said I was a good person and I'm not the girl he imagines me to be.
I've never heard him curse before, or saw him look so coldly at me. It hurt..I also never saw him cry so hard.
You go through your life trying to do what's right..but someone always gets hurt when you aren't honest. I haven't been honest with him and I saw him objectively. I saw him as that other guy, the one that wanted to marry me..like some movie character, instead of a human being. I thought since he had everything going for him..it wouldn't matter.
I fucked up, I know it and writing about this isn't easy. Anyone that bothers to read my journal probably thinks I'm a bitch and a complete utter loser. I'm just writing what I feel, and how I'm struggling. I'm not trying to paint a pretty picture of my existance, I'm not trying to make anyone like me. I'm just telling it like it is. If you don't like me, you don't have to read this. Noone has to read this. Most people show their good sides in online blogs because they have their comments open and they want to make friends. That's not what I'm out to do. This is just my outlet.
But if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize that you're not perfect either. No one is perfect.
I'm defensive because I feel like shit right now..and I've been pacing around the apartment aimlessly trying to make my heart stop pounding so loudly in my chest. I keep going through the past events in my life..and wishing I had done it all differently.
But I can't go back.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I finally got the courage to tell Stacey about what our boss did Friday night. It came out while we were having a cigarette break tonight at work. I was just so filled with rage when I saw our boss tonight, that I had to tell someone.
"Iris, that's incredibly fucked up what he did", she told me "You have to tell someone about this"
"I'd rather just forget it"
"Do you want me to handle this? I know someone that can help you fight him and we can.."
"I'd prefer not to"
"So that's it, you're just going to let him pull something like that and get away with it. He's a bastard"
"I know, but it's over"
Stacey just sighed "Whatever, But.I wouldn't let him get away with it if I were you."
"Forget I told you"
Stacey just shook her head and walked inside the building. She left me standing outside alone with my cigarette.
I hate my life sometimes, I don't feel like Stacey understands me anymore either. There's a certain distance between us since I've moved in with Michael. I can't describe it in words, but it's there. I don't feel like I have any real friends, except for Carl. But ever since Carl started dating some guy named "Jett" (I have serious doubts that his REAL name is Jett..but whatever), He hasn't been around much either. My mother isn't talking to me or my sister.
The only person who keeps calling is Luke. Stacey said she called her flat 10 times last week asking for me. She keeps telling him that "I'm out" because she doesn't want to be the one to tell him that I moved in with Michael. I'm surprised my mother hasn't told him yet, since they seemed to be "so close"
I know I have to call him and clear things up, I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of everything. I'm aware of the fact that this makes me a very pathetic and weak person.
The only time I'm really happy is at night with Michael, those are the moments I live for.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
I haven't told anyone about this because look at how that sentence sounds. They're going to think
a. I'm making this up for attention
b. I'm an idiot for letting myself get in a situation like that in the first place.
This whole situation makes me sick, I'm going to write about it just to get it off my chest because it keeps playing over and over in my mind. Sometimes writing things down helps clear my mind. Things don't look nearly as terrible in print and life is too short to get disturbed over every negative experience in life. I usually can just push it back into the recesses of my mind and let it go. Maybe I shouldn't just LET IT GO..on the other hand, maybe I SHOULD.
It's not like he raped me or anything. I might be overreacting, but I hate him right now. I don't want to go to work monday night.
Friday night my boss called me into his office during my cigarette break.
He told me that he had ordered some new uniforms for all the employees and he wanted me to try one of them on for me. He wanted to see how it fits and how it looks.
He pulled a uniform out of a box that was neatly folded and wrapped in plastic.
"You can try it on in my office bathroom, it would only take a minute"
I sighed, took it into my hands and unwrapped it. I looked at the size on the label. "This is size 3, I'm a size 5. This is going to be too tight", I said "Do you have a different one for me to try on?"
"Can you just do it?", He asked. He said this with annoyance and a slight slur in his voice. I could tell he had been drinking again and I didn't want to fight with the man that pays my wages. I knew my job was hanging on a thread. Fuck it, I'd try on the stupid uniform. Whatever.
In the bathroom I pulled the short tight skirt over my hips and buttoned up the white top, I had to take off my bra because it refused to button up otherwise. I felt uncomfortable stepping out into his office with this get-up. I thought the uniform was ridiculous and I hoped he would realize that. There was no way in hell anyone working at the bar would wear it.
I stepped out and crossed my arms over my chest. "It's too tight, and it's ugly and it's revealing", I told him honestly. "Can I take it off now please". I felt so uncomfortable and I know my face was red.
He just watched me. He moved around to the front of his desk and sat on the edge. He motioned for me to come closer "Let me just see the cut"
I shook my head.
"Could you stop behaving like this?", He asked "I'm asking you for a simple god damn favor, Iris. Could you just do this for me and stop acting like a five year old?"
Acting like a five year old?????
I walked up to him.
"turn around", He said
I turned around.
"Could you uncross your arms please",
I did it reluctantly.
He looked me over, then he licked his lips in this nasty way that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and made me wonder how on earth I ended up standing there in front of him in his locked office in a revealing outfit way too tight. He rubbed the front of his pants with the back of his hands.
I looked down at what he was doing.
"Yeah, you gave me a boner..you like that?"
I didn't answer.
"You probably do, but you must be used to jerking guys around like that, aren't you?"
Jerking guys around? He sounded pissed off as though I had done something intentionally to turn him on and now I was playing hard to get. This is what a sick loser he is.
"Your panty line is showing through the back, can you take them off for a minute?"
"No", I started heading back to the bathroom.
He stood up and grabbed my hand "Look, I have a lot of girls that want this job and with your work performance as of late it would be pretty damn easy to let you go. If you can just cooperate for a few minutes, you'll be included when I hand out the bonus's next week"
So I did. I know if anyone is even reading this, you're thinking why would I do what this man says, Why would I go along, why don't I just kick him in the balls and quit?
Because I need this job, because you don't know how you'd handle a situation unless you're in it. If the stupid jerk wants to get his rocks off by watching me remove my panties out from under my skirt. If it means I'll get a bonus and wont have to live off other people for my survival. Then fuck it, I'll do it.
I stood there with my panties crumpled up in my hands and just stared at him. I was nearly at the point of tears, But I didn't want him to see that. I didn't want him to think he was getting to me. At that point, I was someone else in this situation and not myself.
"You are hot" He reached out, touched my chest and tweaked one of my nipples. Then he smiled. "Thank you"
"Can I go change now?"
"Yes and then get back to work. It's a busy night and start getting to work on time. You were late 3 times this month"
"I work two jobs"
He made a motion with his hand, like a mouth opening and closing. Then he looked me over. He reached his hands into his pants, rubbing himself for a moment and then walked out of the office.
I changed in the bathroom, threw the outfit on his desk without folding them and went back to work.
I didn't tell anyone, I felt sick and pissed off. At first it didn't even fully hit me what had just happened until later on when I started really thinking about it.
I could report him for something like this. If I could afford a lawyer, I would sue him. I'm just afraid that the bastard would find a way to turn it around on me.
No one got hurt, I still have my job and I'm not going to think about it anymore. I'm only writing about it because if anyone else out there has gone through something similiar and never told anyone.
Well guess what?, you're not alone.
It's 7 A.M. Sunday morning, Michael will be waking up soon, I'm going to make him breakfast. I'm putting this whole thing behind me.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Something I dont know if I can write about, but I'm upset about it. I drank too much to collect my, I'll just type this tomororw
I hate my boss
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Are we together..or are we not together? Am I his "live-in girlfriend" or am I just "the roommate that he's sleeping with"?
I wonder if anyone else had a situation like this..it makes me want to open up my comments for feedback. I feel so confused. I don't want to feel jealousy and insecurity when another girl calls. I don't want to be irrational.
On the other hand, I don't want to be used. I want to be special.
God, I want so badly to hear him say: "I love you, Iris"
I don't need him to marry me or pledge a lifetime commitment. I just want to hear that I mean something to him.
I see something in his eyes, last night when we were in bed..we had the lights on and he was drawing designs on my stomach. He moved his finger over my breasts and my neck..then he touched my cheek. He looked into my eyes so intensely and his lips crushed down on mine. The kiss was so beautiful, so raw..
He was so gentle last night.
I love the way he feels inside me, I love so much about him. I know I'm in love with him..I've been feeling this for a long time. I turned my back on my family and broke up with Luke. Just for this..
for these moments together..to feel the way I do.
I shouldn't want any more. I should just appreciate it for what it is.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
It's not about success or failure, jobs or money, politics or fame. I don't know why we have all these goals that we strive for and measure our worth by. It's all crap.
Right now I'm happy.
I'm happy because I'm in love..or maybe I'm "in lust", but it feels so damn good. It's something I've wanted for so long.
This..what I'm experiencing right now.
It's what I've seen only in my dreams, only in movies and books. I didn't think it would happen to me, and it did. I want to hold on to every second of it because I don't know how long it's going to last. I'm not so naive to think this will last forever, or that anything in life does. There is no security, there are no guarantees.
But the way I felt last night was amazing, I wish I could bottle it up and re-experience it over and over again...
Michael has a bathtub, and last night I was taking a bath. I poured in a little bit of shampoo to make bubbles form and eased my body in the warm water. I loved the way it lapped around my knees pulled up against my chest..and the way it lapped around my breasts..the water felt like it was kissing my nipples. I let my head fall back and just enjoyed the feeling.
I heard the front door open and I knew it was Michael. I listened to him put the keys on the counter, the sound of drawers opening in the kitchen. This anticipation in my stomach.. Just the thought of him entering made me aroused. I moved my hand between my legs..touching myself and shifting in the water.
He came in and looked down at me in the bath with a smile.
"Now this is what I like to come home to", He said kneeling down next to the tub, He pushed the wet strands of hair behind my ear and touched the side of my face "I've been thinking about you all fucking day.."
I closed my eyes.
"What are you doing down there..", He motioned to my hand hidden under the soapy water
I smiled, "What do you think", My voice was choked because I was so turned on and I know he saw it in my face. My cheeks felt hot and I looked away.
"Oh god..", He moaned, He moved his hand over my shoulder blade and over my shoulders..then across my breasts slowly..pushing away the suds..then touched my knee..the slid his hands down my inner thigh and it disappeared under the water...I opened my eyes and saw that his were closed while he touched me there. His lips partly open, and his breath quickening.
The intensity of my own response to his touch frightens me, I feel like I lose all control and everything falls away. He stripped down and joined me in the bathtub. He pulled my body on top of him..
We had water and soap all over the floor when it was over..I felt lightheaded..breathless.. like a different person. A happy person.. He pulled my wet body out of the bathtub and started drying me off..he did it so slowly. I loved watching him, I liked seeing him grow hard again. I shouldn't write about this, it's making me ache for him again..I can't even sit still. I'm a mess.
We didn't need alcohol or drugs..I didn't need to escape. With him, I can be myself. I can be my truest self. I feel this bliss that just moves through me and he makes me feel so beautiful. It's like the ultimate high.
Michael is at work right now, I should be at Starbucks but they called me this morning and told me they were cutting back on my work hours. I asked "Why?", He said something about how I'm always "tired" and I "took on too much". Which is true, working two jobs has been exhausting and I realized I can't handle coming home at 2:30 A.M. some nights, and then leaving at 9:30 A.M. for my second job. I had only a few hours of free time..and only a few hours to sleep. It wasn't working. I need the money though. I have to figure out a way to make more that doesn't require me burning out entirely.
I have the afternoon to look through the classified and find something better. I can only think of Michael right now though, and I can't stop smiling...
Monday, September 05, 2005
Living with Michael.
But I had nothing to be afraid of, Once I actually moved in with Michael...It felt strangely normal.
A lot of people didn't "approve" of my decision to move in with him, including Stacey.
She said: "How much do you actually know about Michael? Be careful... I'm afraid for you. This is really fast and I think you're going to get hurt. Don't rush into this, you could be making a mistake..blah blah blah.."
On Friday afternoon I did it anyway. The truth is, I have nothing to lose. It's not like I have all these great options in life .
It was either move back home with my mother or move in the Michael.
Everyone thinks they can plan their life, every detail of it and not have to explore the unknown. They can be safe at all times and know what tomorrow is going to bring.
but you DON'T.
I finally got my internet service back up. I'm sitting in Michael's computer room. My computer is on a table across from his laptop. I'm still in my pajama's because I have the day off from work. He's visiting his family for Labor Day.
He invited me to come, but I could tell that he was not ready to introduce me to his parents. He just said it because he felt bad about leaving me alone. I lied and told him I had plans with my mother.
It's a lie because my mother isn't talking to me right now.
My Cat is here, Michael had no problem with it. She's still hiding somewhere in the apartment. I guess it will take her some time to adjust to the change..from my old flat, to Carl's apartment and now this place. I hope my cat isn't fucked up for life from all this.
Luke doesn't know about this yet, I haven't been able to tell him. I don't know how he's going to respond or how he's going to take it. Honestly, I'm a little afraid.
The first moments in Michael's house were strange. We brought in all the boxes and then sat down on his sofa. I looked around at the apartment that I was going to call home..and I felt like I was intruding on his space. He sat across from me and was looking down at his hands. I didn't know what he was thinking. I was afraid he was having doubts about his decision, that he was scared.
It was the middle of the afternoon, we weren't drunk or having sex. We were just sitting there in the daylight seeing eachother clearly for the first time. I noticed that his eyes were a shade of green with yellow specks..the freckles around his nose..the redness of his lips..the hair on his arms. All of our encounters had been intense..in nightclubs, bars, in a darkened room, in bed.
This is so hard to describe in words, the emotions I felt. It was a feeling of love for him that overwhelmed me..and I know I have to push it away but I can't help it. Not every guy would do this for me. It's a huge step to let some girl you're just sleeping with suddenly move in with you.. WITH HER CAT.
But it's not like he's making a commitment to me or this is leading to marriage. He made that clear. He's just helping me out.
We had a lot of sex this weekend..
I'll write more about this later, there's so much to say and not enough time. I'm meeting Carl in a half an hour. I have to take a shower and get dressed. I just felt the need to update....To type out some thoughts.
Despite what everyone thinks in my life, this wasn't a mistake. This was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like I'm growing up...I feel like I'm living my own life.
Fuck, it feels good. I don't care who judges me because of it.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
a little nervous
I've lived alone for the past 3 and a half years, Stacey is the first roommate I ever had. I've never lived with a man before, especially not one that I was sleeping with.
I don't know what to expect, I don't know much about Michael. I've only been to his apartment two times. Technically I've known him for six months, but we've only been involved.. (if you can call it that) for a month. This seems crazy..but on the other hand, I couldn't be happier.
I have no idea what this is going to be like.
I worry about stupid things..like him seeing me when I look like shit in the morning, or realizing how grumpy I am before my coffee. I'll be wearing my not-so-sexy panties at some point and he'll see me when my hair is all messed up, no make up, blemishes and all. We'll be sharing a bedroom..like an actual couple even though we don't have a title. I wont have any private space, we'll be cooking meals together... I wont be able to write drunken entries on my computer at 2 A.M. because he'll be there. I wont have a door to close and a computer in my bedroom like I do here.
At some point I'll meet his family and his friends.. I'll see what his life is like. I realized I don't know anything about what he does on his free time, or his hobbies, musical interests..etc.
I'm nervous.. I'm afraid he'll grow tired of me or regret his decision. I'm worried it might be too fast to make a move like this. He seems really casual and calm about it though. I don't think he sees this as a huge step in our relationship, but merely as a way of helping me out when I'm in need.
But I can't control this feeling of excitment in my stomach at the realization of how my situation is going to change.. I just imagine waking up in his arms every morning..taking showers together..Our bodies tangled..walking naked through the flat after sex..living together.
Actually living together.
I told my mother yesterday afternoon. She didn't take it well. She went off on me. She said how disappointed and embarrassed she was of my life and my behavior. She can't believe I would go off and live with "Some guy you picked up at a bar", She also was upset about the situation with Luke and she can't let go of the hope that we were going to get engaged again.
For a while I thought Luke and I had a future but at this point, I'm going to follow my heart and NOT my head.
I've honestly stopped giving a shit about what my mother thinks of me. She never has and never will accept me for who I am. I'm tired of trying to be something that I'm not just to please her. This is my life.
I'm going to start moving out friday afternoon once I get off from Starbucks. I still can't believe this is happening. It feels like a strange dream.
But I'm really nervous