Monday, August 22, 2005

A weekend away

I love the smell of hotel rooms.

The only fun memories I have with my family were during vacations. I remember jumping on the hotel bed with my sister and the two of us excitedly tearing open the packages for the fancy soaps. We played with the little bottles of complimentary lotion, shampoo, conditioner and hairspray. My parents were still together at that time, and they were happy.

But somehow entering an expensive hotel room suite with my Ex-fiance felt incredibly wrong. Especially when I looked at the king sized bed in the center of the room.

The bed we were going to share.

On one hand I was excited because I had a lot of cocktails and we had been re-connecting. On the other hand, It felt strange...uncomfortable all of sudden.

Lying next to Luke again was odd. He ran his hand down my back slowly while I pretended to be asleep. I felt his finger playing with the corner of my panties and I heard his breath quickening. Instead of arousal, I felt nausea. I suddenly felt trapped.

I had let him drive me to his hometown for the weekend, I had let him pay for a pricey dinner and for the drinks. Suddenly I began to feel this pressure in my chest. I was afraid he expected something from me. Something I wasn't ready to give him.

He moved his body against mine for a moment, so I could feel that he was aroused. I continued to pretend to be asleep, he stopped.

Beside that one moment, the weekend was nice. We went to the beach, and we also played tennis.

He showed me a house for sale that he had been eyeing and he wanted my "opinion". He said that he wanted to move into that house someday with his "future wife". I couldn't look at him.

I can't be that "future wife" and I'm afraid that the entire weekend I gave him the impression that I could. I hate myself for that. I hate that I led him on, I didn't mean to. I was just trying to rebuild our friendship and let him know how sorry I was for hurting him the way I did. I thought this weekend would be a chance for me to open up to him about my feelings for Michael and all the confusion I feel.

But it wasn't. In fact, Saturday night we kissed in a beach hut after a few shots of tequila. I was drunk and caught up in the moment, but I instantly regretted it. I cringe just typing that..

I feel confused. At one point during the weekend, Luke's Cellphone rang and it was my mother.

I only heard his end of the conversation. When he offered me the phone, I just shook my head.

Why is my mother calling Luke on his cellphone? When did they get so close?

This weekend wasn't terrible, but it was a mistake.

Stacey told me this morning that Michael called while I was away. Maybe that's why I feel this way..because I'm not ready to let my relationship with Michael go. Hearing that he called me..changed things. I want to see him, I need to talk to him.

I feel like I'm walking on a thin line right now..a line that could lead me ultimately alone and despised. By both of them. I feel like shit.

I have to go to work.
posted by Iris at 11:46 AM