Thursday, August 18, 2005

Taking it slow

Luke took me out to dinner last night.

I sat there in the nice restaurant, I looked around and felt guilty, weird, torn apart and confused.

The big difference between Luke and Michael is that Luke actually talks about his feelings. He wants to put everything on the table and is really open about what's going on in his head. This is what he said to me:

He told me "I'm sorry, I didn't listen to you last month. You told me you weren't ready to get married right away and I didn't want to hear it. I kept pushing you and pushing you.."

I nodded.

"When you told me about that other guy.."


"Whatever his name is. I just wanted to crush him. I wanted to find him, beat the shit out of him and twist his neck until it snapped..I was so pissed off and angry. For a week, I thought I hated you"


"But now it's different. I'm here. I'm listening. I'm willing to take it slow and do this right."

We talked a lot, it was more like he spoke and I just listened. He seemed so sincere. I could almost see a future with him again, I remembered what it was that attracted me to him in the beginning of our relationship. His sense of humor and his intellect. The problem is the chemistry between us, I don't feel a strong desire for him, I don't feel lust like with Michael. It feels sterile.

But on the other hand, it feels safe.

When he brought me home, he just gave me a soft kiss on the cheek and held me close. While he held me, I just felt these tears well up in my eyes because I felt his love for me. I can FEEL it so strongly.

It feels so good to be wanted, to be loved, to have someone that wants to commit to a real relationship with me. I was sitting in my room tonight just thinking about this. If we got back together, my mother would accept me again, and my sister. I wouldn't be the outcast anymore. I could get out of this apartment..

But do I want to be with him for the wrong reasons? Is Michael right? Is this just about having safety and security. Is this just because I want so badly to get out of this tiny little closet-sized bedroom? Because I'm so fucking tired of struggling all the time? because I want to escape this life I'm living? Because I'm just so damn tired of being alone? Is this just the easy way out?

I'm going to be entirely honest, and admit that YES. Yes, the fact that Luke is offering me so much makes him really attractive to me right now...

Is that the right reason to marry someone?

I don't know what to think..or what to feel..
posted by Iris at 12:31 AM