Friday, August 19, 2005

Online Journals

"What motivates Iris to keep an online Journal if she doesn't have her comments section open?"

That was a question asked a while back in someone's comments section in reference to my diary. Today, I felt like answering it.

It's the same thing that motivated people to keep diaries for centuries. I write for myself, I write to record my life experiences and to have something to look back on. I write to clear my head and to put some of my feelings down in words. I write to get it out, and it calms me down.

If you're reading this right now, You're reading something you usually wouldn't be privy to. You're reading a diary that should be locked and hidden in my dresser drawer. It's a window into my life, my feelings, my passions and my desires. I'm leaving it open so you can peer in, if you want..for as long as you want.

I had my comments open for a few weeks and it didn't work for me. I know I have flaws, I know I drink too much, I know I'm confused, I know I don't do things right all the time and I'm struggling...I'm the first to admit it. I don't need to have others tell me this or put me down. I don't need to have people instruct me on how I should or shouldn't live my life. While I appreciate feedback and constructive criticism..the truth is, I'm really insecure, weak and scared. I get hurt easily and I'm way too sensitive. I take negative comments to heart, even ones from perfect strangers.

Sometimes it's easier to just write without thinking of an audience and just for myself.

I know the whole basis of online blogs is to receive feedback, and people want to put in their two cents. It's nice to be able to feel like you can influence the course of someone's life through your comments. That's part of the appeal and that's what makes people keep coming back. For me, I like reading other people's writings..but I rarely leave comments. I'm more of a silent reader.

A lot of times when I'm updating, I've had a few drinks..I know I'm not always the most intelligent, I know my logic isn't always the best, I know I make mistakes and reading this is probably like watching a train wreck unfold. But I'm going to pull it together, it's going to get better.

I know closing my comments cuts me off from any potential support or encouraging words.

I want to believe that some people reading this understand and relate...I want to believe that if you're reading this, it's not to judge..but to get an inside glimpse into something you wouldn't normally be able to. It's not always easy to write about the things that I do, or as openly as I do. But I do it anyway..maybe because it is taboo. Because in a way it's dangerous to expose yourself.

But that's life.

and because no one can reach me. It feels safe. Eventually I'll just stop one day and shut this down entirely. ..but I want to thank those ahead of time..the ones that came a long for the journey. Even if it was only for a short time.

I managed to get two days off from work, and I'm leaving with Luke for the weekend. He's taking me somewhere, to show me something and he says I need a short vacation. He's right. I'm not sure if this is the best idea, but he said he's willing to take it slow. It would be just "as friends"

I'll be back on Monday

posted by Iris at 3:02 AM