Sunday, August 07, 2005

My fear

Michael hasn't called me and he wasn't at the bar last night.

I don't want to call him.

I know this is due to fear.

I have this fear of being like my mother.

You might have noticed I've never written about my father in this blog. That's because he's not a part of my life. He divorced my mother when I was 12 years old. I watched my mother call him nearly every day for 3 years afterwards, she couldn't let go.

I watched her pace around the phone, walking back and forth looking at her clock. She knew when he got back from work and she knew that there was a few hours inbetween before his new wife came home. I remember sitting in the dining room observing her behavior her and thinking she was so pathetic.

When she called him, He usually cut her off after 15 minutes and hung up..but during that time, she would try to win him back. I heard the desperation in her voice.

After the phonecalls, she would usually cry. Not sobbing on the floor type crying or anything. But lean against the kitchen sink with tears in her eyes and wiping them away with the tips of her fingers all shakily.

It was pitiful.

No. I'm not going to be like that.

ever.
posted by Iris at 7:18 AM