Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Michael and I just had a fight.

Michael was at the bar tonight. I invited him back to my room after my shift and then I told him that Luke had come over and how he wanted to get back together.

Michael was silent. He did this thing where he clenched his jaw and didn't look at me. I just watched him closely, trying to read his expression. I have to remind myself that this is the man that had said: "I don't know how long I'm going to be around" "I can't offer you anything, I can't give you anything, I can't promise you a future" "I think we're moving too fast!"

"What do you want, Iris?" He finally asked me

I was quiet. "I don't know". Which wasn't entirely true. I wanted him to LOVE me, to say that he wanted to commit to me.

"Well, You need to figure that out then", He said. His voice was really cold.

He said nothing after that. I just sat there. I looked around the small room ..all the boxes..My life is a mess. My eyes filled with tears. I feel so lost. "Look at where I'm living, Michael!", I said finally "Look at my life.."

"Oh I see what this is about now. This isn't about love. This is about living in the Upper East side with Luke and attending dinner parties with his wealthy parents! This is about security, money, having everything taken care of. You want to be a princess!"

A princess????

At that point I was really upset "That's not fair..you don't know..you don't know how hard I struggle.."

"Well that's all going to change now, isn't it?", He walked out of the room and slammed the door.

I've just been sitting here crying. I have all these feelings for Michael and I don't even know if he feels them back. I don't even know if we're heading anywhere. I don't know if he's just going to hurt me next week and disappear. All he does he says how he can't give me anything and how scared he is!!

Now he's not even willing to talk to me about this! He just fucking walks out on me and slams the door on me!

He's really good at that!

Walking away!! The fucking coward prick!!!!!!!! Why don't you just fuck me again and than not call me for another week?!?!?!?

Alright, I've been drinking. That's all. I'll write again when my head is clear, I'm just a fucked up emotional mess right now. I don't know anymore..I don't know what marriage means, I don't know what love means, I don't know what I want, I just know that I'm hurting and I hate my life. It has to change, because I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

The pathetic thing is..if Michael came back right now and pushed me on the bed, I would willingly open my body for him and enjoy it. I desire him that much..I can't describe in words our physical attraction or what he does to me..It makes me shake and cry.

Tonight I'm going to get shitfaced

But tomorrow is going to be a new beginning, I'm going to turn it all around.
posted by Iris at 4:36 AM