Saturday, August 27, 2005

letting go and opening up

I did it.

Last night, I called Michael

I feel really good right now..that's something I haven't felt in a while. Just amazing.. I guess I should write what happened, because the memory of last night has been twisting and turning in my head all day..I could barely focus at work, I screwed up so many orders at Starbucks and I couldn't stop smiling at the bar tonight.

When I first picked up the phone, dialed his number and heard his voice. I thought I had made a huge mistake. He sounded exhausted.. The time on my alarm clock was 2:15 A.M.

"Did I wake you?" (no shit)

"Yes..Who is this?"

"It's..Iris"

"Iris..(pause)..Hi" (his voice was neutral, he didn't sound excited or happy..that made me insecure)

"hey..I'm sorry I called you so late"

(silence)

"I just wanted to see how you've been.."

He cleared his throat, I could hear it..then he asked "So how's Luke?"

"Is that why you haven't called me?"

"you didn't answer my question, Iris"

I sighed. "I need you..can you come over?"

He didn't say anything for an entire minute. I sat there listening to just his breathing on the other end of the phone. I felt foolish, desperate, stupid..

But he said "I'll be there in 20 minutes" and he hung up.

I ran around my room, cleaning up the bottles, clothing and crap all over the place. I tried to make the place look decent.. I didn't know what to wear and I was still trying to figure that out when he buzzed the front door. I was worried about Stacey waking up and I ran across the flat, slipped on the rug..hit the wall and started cursing.

But none of that mattered when I opened the door. He came in, we just stood there and stared at eachother.. Then we started kissing. I had a few shots, so my inhibitions were non-existant. He had me up against the wall and his lips were crushing down on mine. I was so happy, it was like coming to life again.

I can't even describe it..it's like I see everything in color again. My heart is pounding so fast and I'm just in this euphoric state. I'm entirely in the moment..nothing else is there. Everything fades away.

We backed up into the bedroom, he tugged my tanktop over my head, and slid down my panties..he pushed me down on the bed, began to kiss my breasts..his hands moving frantically down my body and inbetween my legs. It was so hard and fast..When we had sex, it was so rough..we ended up on the floor. I bit his shoulder hard, and he dug the nails of his hands into my back. I felt like he couldn't be deep enough inside, it was strangely animalistic. So much need, mixed with anger and passion. I can't explain it in words..

Afterwards. He let his body fall on top of me, and his head was on my chest...His hair falling over my neck. He was breathless and he held me tightly.

Then he asked me "What are you doing, Iris.."

I didn't know how to answer that.

"I don't know what to think..when I met you you were engaged..and we messed around, then you broke off the engagement..now that guy is back and now you're calling me up.. for this.. I don't know if you're just fucking with me. If this is some game to you"

Then it came out. I opened up for the first time. I started crying and I told him everything. I told him about my mother, I told him about my jobs, my money situation, the living situation with Stacey, my feelings for Luke and the history of our relationship, how scared I was, how much I'm struggling and how I'm a fucked up mess..basically.

He listened. He listened to everything I said, afterwards he held me and stroked my hair. He didn't say much, it was 5 A.M. at that point. We fell asleep.

When I woke up for work, he was gone. He left a note on the dresser saying that he had to go away with his little brother upstate to help him move into College for the first time, that he'd be back on Monday. He said he would call me then.

I lay there..looking at his handwriting, tracing the words with my finger. I only had 3 hours of sleep before my shift at work, but it didn't matter. It's weird, this feels like a new beginning. I feel alive..I feel happy..

I opened up to him, If he doesn't call on Monday.. fine.

But at least I know that I told him how I felt, I let him see who I really was, I took off my mask. I did it. I know this isn't huge in the big scheme of things, there are more important issues in this world.

but for me.

this is huge.

..and I'm actually sober while I type this.
posted by Iris at 5:43 AM