Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I feel so alive

Oh god..Last night..

Last night just comes back to me in flashes of images and makes my entire body tingle..I'm just so happy right now, completely giddy and smiling as I type this. I haven't felt this way in so long. These past two days have been like a re-awakening for me.

I brought Michael back here after a night of dancing. He fell on the bed and looked up at me. "I'm sorry", He had said

"for what?"

"For not calling you..I was just fucking scared", I could see only his silhoutte because the room was dark and the light was coming from behind him through the bedroom window. "I just came out of a messed up relationship..a long one. I'm not ready for this. I don't know what I'm doing right now"

"It's okay, I don't know what I'm doing either"

He was quiet. I just watched him..He's always so quiet. His feelings come out in bursts and then he keeps them in for days. I can't read him sometimes.

I realize I keep a lot in too. Sometimes I want to just pour it all out. Just tell him how scared I am of life, how lost I feel, how much I'm struggling on my own, how much I sometimes hate my life. But I can't.. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I want to remain elusive and perfect in his eyes. I want to remain that beautiful bartender that he makes love to. Not someone he has to worry about. I want this relationship to be different. He is my escape.

He reached out and touched my face, then ran his fingers over my lips..I smiled and then opened his mouth, letting him slide his finger inside and ran my tongue over it. He pulled away.

"My God..", He whispered "Sometimes I can't believe you're real"

I felt that way about him, but I didn't say it. I love hearing him speak..I love the way his words made me feel.

He started to kiss me, and his hands moved down my neck..and over my shirt. He stroked my nipple through the fabric. His other hand moved under my skirt, slowly sliding over the flesh of my inner thigh. He has this way of just building up the anticipation, I can hardly breath.

Sex was different this time. When he pushed inside of me, He did it so slowly..and then would pull out. He was teasing me deliberately..I was actually trembling, He would push in so deeply and just hold it there. It wasn't fast, or was just intense..

Please, I hope this never ends..I feel so alive right now.

posted by Iris at 5:10 PM